I have to get this out here

Regular Poster
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 08:06 am
I realize I can not make him do anything. And I have begun the " we need to change" talks, process and work a while ago.
I also know that it starts with me since I am the one who is feeling uncomfortable. That is where my therapist came from. I have been seeing her for a while and she has helped a lot.

I have suggested he go see one too. But I can not drag him and I can not make him.

There is a lot going on that I have not posted yet.. and though I want to vent everything , Im afraid of it sounding like a pile on.
So lets just say that I have taken the reins in everything because of lack of responsibility on his half. Especially money. House cleaning. Bill paying, car repair, day care, etc. There is not a thing that he is responsible for because when he has something, it falls to the wayside. We cant have that right now.

That too comes from my need to have superb balance. And my fear of failure. So the biggest problems in our marriage are almost exactly 50%.
Half him, half me.

Im only now coming to see this. For a long time I just sat back and quietly allowed it to go on, slowly etching a notch in my victim post for ammo against him. I mean.. really... the more notches I had, the more I am validated right?
Ehh... that mindset has killed me, and killed this relationship.

And I see that.
And that is just the tip of MY ice burg.
his is just as big, but one he has to tackle himself and I really , really doubt him when it comes to thinking he will do it, and do it right(?) I guess is the word..
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Regular Poster
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 08:09 am
sozobe wrote:
"We are having such a hard time and I think we need to get some help to solve it. Right now I don't feel like I can stay in this marriage. But I don't want to walk away until I have tried my hardest to make things work, and that includes going to therapy with you."


I have had this conversation in my head several times and it always comes out just like that.

I dont want to just walk up to him and say " hasta la pasta babe. thanks for the ride" But I do need to drive home the " things are not going to go this way anymore" .

The problem is that we have had 'similar' conversations, and the results never stick. 3 days.........4 days.. and then he falls right backinto pattern.
I have changed many patterns and have worked on my perception of many things and this is why it is so frustrating.
I feel as though he should go forward WITH me.. but I forget that he needs to move at his own pace. He isnt me. And there may be times he passes me in the forward movement..

Im learning to slow down and see the big picture and that is hard as well
0 Replies
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 08:23 am
Regular Poster wrote:
That is where my therapist came from. I have been seeing her for a while and she has helped a lot.

I have suggested he go see one too. But I can not drag him and I can not make him.

I think you get this but just to clarify -- I think what most of us are talking about (I am, anyway) is couples therapy/ relationship counseling/ whatever. Where both of you are in a room at the same time, talking to a counselor and to each other...
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Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 08:57 am
Yes. Joint counseling is what I meant, too.
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Regular Poster
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 09:10 am
yes joint is ideal and what should be happening.

i would like to see him have therapy for himself as well y aknow.

He acknowledges personal issues and not all issues of his need to be worked out with me around. He deserves SOME privacy..

but I agree, and one goal is to get therapy for both of us, at the same time.
Im going by myself now to take care of myself. And that is a big piece of it as well. I have a LOT of issues.. >snort
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Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 03:28 pm
We all have issues...

I was doing couple therapy for awhile (we stopped when we started working too much again.)
Our counselor was starting to suggest separate counseling because we were starting to delve into our separate baggage. IE, why we react to each other the way we do.
So we started off together before even thinking about going separately.

My suggestion, get another counselor maybe? to do the joint thing with? So's Mister doesn't feel ganged up on? By the fact that this is someone you have already been seeing?

Another suggestion, Talk seriously with him. Let him know what's going on. Don't make up your mind alone, or sound like you've already made up your mind when you talk to him.

And ask yourself, can you give him the chance (even if he takes longer at things than you do) to make a change if he decides to try? What would it take at this point for you to stay? Are you already gone?

And one other thing from what you've said....
If you are taking care of things because he doesn't.... Remember that because you do take care of it and have been taking care of it, he doesn't need too. And knows you'll do it when he doesn't.


0 Replies
Reply Mon 28 Jul, 2008 02:59 pm
Ummm, howsit goin'??
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