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Wed 2 Jul, 2008 04:59 am
Hi. This is my first post so apologies if its seen as rude to just come on here asking for advice or opinions, there is really no one I can talk to about this
I basically have the chance to have an affair with gorgeous women and am trying to resist but its getting difficult. I think she is a bit bored and wants to inject a bit of excitement into her life. We have known each other a long time but she recently revealed she has liked me in other ways for some time.
I was pretty surprised at this but at the same time excited as I always fancied her but block that stuff out if someone is in a relationship, especially married! Now she has expressed a desire to take things further I really am wrestling with my conscience. She has kids and the husband is a good guy, I must admit, if he was a nasty piece of work and treated her like trash I would be able to justify this but its not like that. She has a need and I seem to fit the bill
We have actually kissed and things got very intense at one point but it went no further. To people who are about to call me a scumbag, put yourself in this situation, its not as clean cut as you think. I am in no way the type of guy who gets pleasure sleeping with another mans wife but when temptation is there in front of you, the opportunity to have an amazing experience almost overwhelms you. I have no illusions, I know I would be to blame as much as her for being part of this, I could stop it now.
We talked about it and both know the situation, she would never leave the husband, and I wouldn't want her to. My feelings being hurt are not the concern either, if I was to fall for her that would be my punishment, in getting over it. My problem is being involved in possibly damaging a family but she is so attractive and sexy she makes it so difficult. And they may also never find out, but I would know, that would bother me
So should we have a few sessions and get over ourselves or should I say I cant do it and stop the whole thing now. Also bear in mind that she is a lovely person as well, she could never leave or hurt the husband or her children so don't judge, just look at the situation as two people being really attracted to each other but complicated circumstances being involved. Are painless affairs possible, could we both get what we want and leave it there? I don't know if my conscience will allow it to go further to be honest, I feel like a rat as it is. Thanks for any opinions on this
In my opinion, and it is certainly not the only one, but it would not be worth the sexual gratification, knowing that you hurt a "good guy", as you say he is and their children if they found out about it. I am thinking it is not worth it to take a chance even. What if her family crumbled because of all of this and she no longer wanted anything to do with you and the children were hurt. Just what if? Think of the good guy and the kids...focus there. Well that and it is just wrong.
I am weighing in and saying don't do it.
It's simple..............just don't go there.
Having a few sessions and getting over it won't work either..................it won't stop!!!
I personally couldn't do it to a family especially with kids. Did you have a stable family upbringing? If not.................then why cause that instability on some other kids and if you did shame on you for taking away what you had............
I have a close male friend and he made it clear what he wanted..............I stopped it. I say down very carefully and imagined what it might be like after and it didn't look good. Sure the attention from a man in that way seemingly willing to risk it all for me felt good, but my moral conscience said a definite NO!!!!
I just didn't want to become that kind of person.
I think what your woman friend needs to do is seek some kind of marriage guidance etc. You might be getting in the way and making things worse.......................
listen up! you are going to be in the dog-heap of emotions if you get started with her. try to not get involved (easier said than done).
Just to add this............................
THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN......................
AND
give a poor, innocent guy who is married to her a BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!
The good guys always get crapped on!!!!
If you are both responsible ( no new babies out of this
) and you are aware of the fact that you are not first in her life..
You are two adults, aware of the situation... eh
steve1, welcome to A2K.
The only person you have to face in the mirror in the morning is yourself. It sounds as though you'd have a hard time doing that if you started an affair with this woman. By becoming involved in her family (yes, it involves all of them to some extent) you're helping her be deceptive and live a lie. You aren't breaking any vows, you aren't taking time and energies away from others, you aren't having to tell people who trust you that you're doing one thing when you're really doing something else. Those are all things she's going to end up doing.
You become the reason.
You sound like a nice guy. You also sound like the kind of guy who cares about what kind of person he is.
If you won't respect yourself in the morning then don't go out at night.
see, what shewolf said is the best possible scenario...and i agree. but...whenever anyone submits this lengthy an explanation about a dilemma they are not heading into it with a light heart.
this is the kind of stuff that can occupy your waking and sleeping energy and it seems to me this fellow is a candidate to overthink it. this does not bode well once the reality of the affair (ie she really isn't going to leave her hubby, her time limitations, etc) kicks in.
Or the possibility that she screws up her life and ends up hating Steve for it. Steve got sexual gratification but her husband, her kids and her life is screwed up and may take time, and possibly professional help to get it back to some semblance of normalcy...Not worth someone's own selfish desires to screw up a family. Even though she is greatly to blame for this - I would not want that on my conscience....Steve do you work with her?
You said, "I could stop it now". So why not just do that?
I don't mean
own selfish desires harshly but you know it's just a "wouldn't it be great to do her?" kind of thing.
Oh by the way...welcome to A2K...
i see what you're saying mismi, but so what if she ends up hating him? my concern is steve will be the lone person in the row boat surrounded by a vast ocean everytime she says, "no i can't...i'm going on a family vacation...no, i can't i have to go to function with my husband", etc.
do you work with her, steve? cause if you do, that's really messing with trouble.
He doesn't sound emotionally involved yet...so he should be okay when she is having to say all those things...though I am sure if they do decide to go ahead and have an affair he will become more and more emotionally invested and it would be hard wanting to be with her but her putting him off. So I see that he could well be on his own there and it would be frustrating I am sure. I get your point Gala...
yeah..if you work with her it could make for a whole lot of ick Steve.
Steve, I want to ask you something.
When your neighbor is out of town, do you sneak over and drive his car?
Why not...
yeah, right, Rockhead-- It might work for you, you know, you can go and have a little poke and beat your chest to all your friends and anyone who's in earshot.
Sweetheart--Trust me. You'll regret it later.
Be glad you aren't in love with her--and stop it before it goes further. I know it's terribly enticing--but, after that first few times having sex with her--it gets ugly and painful--and you won't ever be quite the same person you were before.
This isn't so much about doing the right thing--as it is an attempt to save you probably emotional upheaval, guilt and self-esteem issues.
Gala's just so raaaaaandom!!!
Steve - hey you forgot Rule Number 1: Don't mess with married men/women.
Just keep repeating this Rule to yourself. - over and over, if needed. She is not free to mess around with you and God knows, there are plenty of single gals around.
You DO have a Rule 1, don't you?
It's as good as a cold shower.
Erm yep we work together. The more I think about it the more I just don't think I am capable of doing this, not because I'm some good guy, its just not who I am, I treat people how they would treat me so I really cant deal with screwing someone over like that, I wouldn't like myself. Its just difficult as its what she really wants and I have a lot of affection for her and find her attractive, but funnily enough she is becoming less attractive the more I think about the damage I could cause.
Rockhead, your comment is dum by the way, you simply cant judge as you don't know the full situation, the comment is patronising. Opinions are fine but pointing something like that out doesn't make me think wow, yeah I wouldn't steal a car so why a woman, great problem solved! If that's what you meant that is
And yes sullyfish that is a number one rule of mine, that's why I find this so difficult. Its easy to say these rules to yourself but to follow them when a direct temptation is there, my god this woman is gorgeous you know, it pretty hard to resist. I think it would be the biggest show of strength in my life not to go through with this, pathetic as that sounds!
Thanks for the comments, its been really helpful getting other peoples views on this, its pretty clear cut isn't it!
No, Steve, you missed the point.
There is an analogy in there somewhere, but I don't draw maps.
I am glad you are making a responsible decision, nonetheless.
Rock
Hey Steve - it does take huge strength to walk away from temptation. You sound as tho you have that strength. Hold onto it and walk in the opposite direction. You sound emotional - you really don't sound as tho you are the wham bam thanku maam sorta guy. Keep your respect and your beliefs in who and what you are. Stay true to YOU.
You would need bucketloads of strength to deal with the consequences if you do go through with an affair, when it is clear cut her family is first.
Which is how is should be.
NOT JUDING. WILL NOT JUDGE YOU....or her....
just my opinion, for what it's worth
every situation/relationship is different.
Good luck!
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