Sexual satisfaction and quality of life

A common place:

- If sex is good, it's 1% of a relationship.
- If sex is bad, it's 99% of it.

People forget to tell about the other 256 shades of grey.

Would sex influence my relationship?

- Well, no sex, no relationship.
- Actually, no compatibility in sexual temperament means poor relationship, which I would avoid.

The other questions are private matters to me....

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Ditto what Frances said.

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titia wrote:

1. How important is sex in your overall satisfaction of life?

VERY important. Is there really anything else in life that can make you feel as good as sex? During AND after?

titia wrote:

Do you think it would influence your relationship strongly if there was no compatibility between your and your partner's sexual temperament?

I'm with Francis on that. No sex - No relationship. BUT....I would just like to add that if something physical happened during our relationship to cause an unbalance in our sex life ... I would deal with that because I loved that person. As a couple we would just change how we did things, is all. On the flip sideif my partner suddenly didn't desire me, I would probably stop feeling sexy. Men and women both need to feel sexy for the relationship to be in top form.

titia wrote:

2. How often would you prefer to have sex?

Morning and night.....most definitely. If it can be squeezed in somewhere throughout the day....that's a plus!

titia wrote:

How often do you actually have it?

I'm single ......so not nearly enough. Exclamation

And at the present moment, one might think I have turned into a nun.

titia wrote:

And, finally, how do you react upon the difference between the bewished and actual quantity (if any)?

Hmmmmm, well .....being single there are ways to get around it all by myself. However.... I have grown totally bored with self pleasure these days. Sooooo.....I keep busy with life stuff and time just floats along till I realize I'm cranky and I do what I gotta do.

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I have known quite a few guys that are in marriages with no sex or little sex or all low quality sex. I think that all of them are in shallow relationships, though few of these guys would agree with me. Many find a way to deal with the situation, to be reasonably happy, but I think they turn a part of themselves off.

I don't think that it is possible to be in a good relationship that does not include good sex at least now and then. I would not stay in a non sexual relationship, and in a bad sex relationship I would not be quiet until the problem got fixed. I think that sexual problems are both the cause and the result of relationship problems.

FREQ: once a day min, it must be high quality at least a few times a month. high quality = at least of half hour with both really getting into it. We do this usually.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

FREQ: once a day min, it must be high quality at least a few times a month. high quality = at least of half hour with both really getting into it. We do this usually.

"once a day min." I hope that includes self-service.

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Well, depends on how old you are.

As the years go by, there does not have to be the "hot" sex like we used to have A.

Just holding each other and touching each other is important. BUT, we have a good marriage. We have like temperments and give each other lots of space. We have like interests and the same values.

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Francis wrote:

A common place:

- If sex is good, it's 1% of a relationship.
- If sex is bad, it's 99% of it.

Ha!

I knew that sounded familiar
I have used that line many times..

but it couldn't BE a truer statement..

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What if there is a physical reason sex can longer be be performed?

I would hope that would not end the relationship.

Your intitial post states "FACT"

Show your sources.

I was under the impression finances were a much more telling factor of problems in a marriage.

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Chai wrote:

What if there is a physical reason sex can longer be be performed?

I would hope that would not end the relationship.

.

For me a physical cause for nonexistent sex would not cause me to leave. An identifiable mental cause would be a maybe.

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Chai wrote:

Your intitial post states "FACT"

Show your sources.

I was under the impression finances were a much more telling factor of problems in a marriage.

I got the figure recently while reading magazine on psychology. This was stated in the relationship column, and was followed by comments how and where the poll was accomplished, but I guess I was so overwhelmed with the figure itself that I paid little attention to those comments.

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1) No sexual compatability would mean no sexual relationship (for me)
(I could still be friends though)

2) I'm not happy in my life when the physical contact I need is not
consistent with the physical contact I get.
(But as I'm not having any physical contact with anyone here - I don't
think it's important that anyone know how much or often that is).

3) I don't agree at ALL that a good sexual relationship is 1% of a good relationship and a bad sexual relationship is 99% of a bad one - on either end of the spectrum.

I think a good sexual relationship can color everything else pretty positively and a bad sexual relationship (depending on the people and how important sex is to those people) doesn't necessarily have to color everything else negatively. I think it's an innately individual formula and can only be measured and applied individually to individual couples.

In terms of sticking with someone who's incapacitated, I've often wondered - even before I was having sex- how people cope when a loved partner develops a disability and can no longer be an active participant.

I remember watching this Donahue segment when I was about fifteen and the guy couldn't have sex for some reason - I don't remember why- and the woman went outside the relationship for sex (with the man's permission). But they were sitting there explaining it both from his point of view (loving her and wanting her to have what she needed to be happy) and from hers.

I hadn't even HAD sex at the time and I remember thinking that I thought it'd be hard to want sex and not be able to have it - even if you loved the other person- or maybe ESPECIALLY if you really loved the other person.
Because as Ogionik related on another thread - the physical expression of love and affection is a biological need (more intense and strong for some people than others) and its lack can cause real emotional distress and physical stress.
I'd want to be a loving, giving, unselfish person - but I don't know if I could forego the opportunity for expressing and/or receiving the physical expression of that love and affection for the rest of my life because my partner became incapacitated. I think I'd find that too frustrating to allow for a very happy relationship.
So I really have no idea how I'd be able to cope with that.

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Just to come back to what JustBrooke said:

Quote:

On the flip sideif my partner suddenly didn't desire me, I would probably stop feeling sexy. Men and women both need to feel sexy for the relationship to be in top form.

I think that's very well put -- feeling sexy, or feeling desired appears to be extremely important to me. Otherwise you end up feeling something, as put in that song by Roxette, "Half a woman, half a shadow" Wink

Other than that... when there are differences in sexual temperament, I've noticed that usually (and now this is totally my personal opinion) men are the ones that "want more", and women are usually "the passive side". That is not necessarily true, but anyhow -- do you think relationship would be worse if it was vice versa? I.e., do you think it is worse if the female side is more demanding than the male side, compared to a "classical" situation where the male partner has higher temperament?

The reason for this afterthought, I suppose, is that traditionally the hunter instinct of the male is emphasised, while it is thought that women prefer to be "chased". Thus, would you think higher sexual temperament on the female side would cause an imbalance to the traditional roles (in addition to the already-poor-relationship due to sexual temperament incompatibility)?

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Instead of the whole hunter/prey metaphor- which I think is a cultural construct - maybe it also illustrates another cultural construct which you touched upon when you said that women want to feel 'desired'.

If the male wants to have sex more often than the female that illustrates the mechanism of him 'desiring' her - whether it's true or not- it at least appears that way.

On the other hand, if a female wants to have sex more often than the male (or more often than he is capable of) I would think that would have a somewhat demasculizing effect- which yes- I think would be harder on the relationship than if it were the other way around.

That's why if the male were the disabled person, I think it might infuse the entire partnership with more stress than if the female was the disabled partner. There are expectations in terms of performance that are placed on males in this society moreso than females.

(I would be interested to know what the actual figures are on the breakdown of differing levels of desire by gender though- because I bet they change with age.)

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hawkeye10 wrote:

Chai wrote:
What if there is a physical reason sex can longer be be performed?

I would hope that would not end the relationship.

.

For me a physical cause for nonexistent sex would not cause me to leave. An identifiable mental cause would be a maybe.

So, an identifiable physical cause is a good enough reason, but an identifiable mental one is not?

Why?

Are you thinking someone should be able to "do" something about a mental reason, and quickly?

Why would you stand by someone having a physical illness/condition, but not one that is emotional/mental with the same devotion?

One is just as real as the other.

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titia wrote:

Chai wrote:
Your intitial post states "FACT"

Show your sources.

I was under the impression finances were a much more telling factor of problems in a marriage.

I got the figure recently while reading magazine on psychology. This was stated in the relationship column, and was followed by comments how and where the poll was accomplished, but I guess I was so overwhelmed with the figure itself that I paid little attention to those comments.

IMO you started this entire thread with no basis other than wanting to know how much others enjoyed/did not enjoy sex.

Your reading a relationship column in some unnamed psychology magazine is hardly a scientific study.

What age group responded to this thoroughly unscientific question? What fiancial status? Children? Education? Work ethic? Spiritual beliefs? Extended family issues? How long had the marriage lasted already? Newly married?

"State your sources" does not equate to "some phychology magazine" that so overwhelmed you with with figures that you can't apparantly remember its name.

As far as the statements made of "no sex, no relationship" or "what can make you feel better than sex", well good luck as life goes along.

When I was quite young, I had a bf I was quite in love with, and had great sex with. I didn't love him more deeply because of the sex, but as a bi-product of the love.

One of the things that cemented by love for him was the fact he voluntarily took care of a friend of his who was incapable of washing/feeding himself, and had a lot of physical deformaties. He wasn't even a best friend, just someone he met along the way. I knew I would still be loved by this person if something happened to me. I knew I would do the same for him.

Since then, I've based my interpretation of a good relationship with the question "Would this person wipe my ass for me? Would I wipe his ass for him?"

If I can answer yes to both those questions, sex is not going to be a problem.

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Quote:

IMO you started this entire thread with no basis other than wanting to know how much others enjoyed/did not enjoy sex.

Your reading a relationship column in some unnamed psychology magazine is hardly a scientific study.

What age group responded to this thoroughly unscientific question? What fiancial status? Children? Education? Work ethic? Spiritual beliefs? Extended family issues? How long had the marriage lasted already? Newly married?

"State your sources" does not equate to "some phychology magazine" that so overwhelmed you with with figures that you can't apparantly remember its name.

I can't see why I should defend myself for willing to start a discussion that I find interesting. Moreover, if you've noticed, I started the threat as an open discussion under "Relationships & Marriage" and not as some scientific announcement in a place dedicated for it. If you want figures and comparisons of different studies, maybe go read threats in "Science & Mathematics" or so?

Anyhow, if you care so much about it -- the magazine has a website and I could gladly forward you there if that made you happy.

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Quote:

Since then, I've based my interpretation of a good relationship with the question "Would this person wipe my ass for me? Would I wipe his ass for him?"

If I can answer yes to both those questions, sex is not going to be a problem.

Not to put too fine a point on it - but I've wiped asses I would never have wanted to have a romantic relationship with. And that might make a wonderful relationship of one sort or another - but probably not the most condusive for the most rewarding partnership relationship (unless you're into that ****... Laughing

).
It's apples and oranges (in my opinion).

Compassion and caring are wonderful - and can be very, very sexy characteristics actually.
I myself would be much more likely to find a kind, compassionate caring person sexier and more desireable than a selfish sarcastic smartass- but for me, that's not what would end up causing or defining my relationship with that person.
I know I don't love people because of what they can or will do for me - I love them because of who they are.

And I think it all comes back to how important sex is or isn't to the participants in the relationship. Because how much you love to be with or spend time with someone WILL influence how much you end up loving them or whether you continue to love them over the course of years.

And honestly - if I ever get in the situation where someone has to wipe my ass for me - I'd rather have someone other than my sexual partner do it. Why? Because I'd like for him to be able to at least try to retain some of his sexual feelings for me - and I think if he's wiping my ass every day - he probably won't want to be doing much else with it - know what I mean? That's a hard and dirty job to do all day and I think it'd be going over and above to then expect someone to go that extra mile when the mood happens to strike - if it ever would again.

As I said, I'd do my best...even to the point of wiping someone's ass for them, but I don't know that I could live up to my own ideals....just being honest. I've never been tested in that way. God bless the ones who have and have passed the test with flying colors- and I say that with nothing but sincerity and admiration.

I think these are interesting questions whatever inspired them.

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Chai wrote:

As far as the statements made of "no sex, no relationship" or "what can make you feel better than sex", well good luck as life goes along.

Since you are directing that at me, since I'm the one that said "what can make you feel better than sex," ....let me clarify what it was that I'm saying. And of course......I am only speaking for myself.

What I really said was "What can make you feel better than sex...BOTH during and after. The physical is the during and the emotional is the after.

The physical, of course, does feel great. But add the emotional to that and for me it feel's over the top of any euphoric high I have ever experienced. Mind you.....I can't go there if the love's not there. Just plain sex isn't going to give me the after. And the physical is just.....well, just a "fix." So my statement was geared towards loving sex. The kind that can and does cause the tears to pour down your cheek during the actual act because of the sheer power of the love. And when you crawl into that person's arms afterwards.......is pure bliss for me.

If something happened so that person could not perform sexually .... I would never leave that person. The sex does not dictate the love I already have for him.

However.....if I meet someone and we begin a relationship and he doesn't like sex (for whatever reason) ....the relationship will be short lived and non-existent in a hurry.

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titia wrote:

Quote:
IMO you started this entire thread with no basis other than wanting to know how much others enjoyed/did not enjoy sex.

Your reading a relationship column in some unnamed psychology magazine is hardly a scientific study.

What age group responded to this thoroughly unscientific question? What fiancial status? Children? Education? Work ethic? Spiritual beliefs? Extended family issues? How long had the marriage lasted already? Newly married?

"State your sources" does not equate to "some phychology magazine" that so overwhelmed you with with figures that you can't apparantly remember its name.

I can't see why I should defend myself for willing to start a discussion that I find interesting. Moreover, if you've noticed, I started the threat as an open discussion under "Relationships & Marriage" and not as some scientific announcement in a place dedicated for it. If you want figures and comparisons of different studies, maybe go read threats in "Science & Mathematics" or so?

Anyhow, if you care so much about it -- the magazine has a website and I could gladly forward you there if that made you happy.

When one starts their thread with the word FACT, I assume they have some backup in case it is questioned, and don't expect people to swallow whatever comes after the word without proof.

Yes actually, providing a link would go a long way in establishing your credibility.

I'm not so much asking you to defend yourself, but to not expect people to believe something just because the word FACT is written in front of it.

In "fact" I find it more interesting to discover what actually is the biggest problem that causes marriages to break up.

I'm sure it's not sex.

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