Help torn between two

You know what I think.

You know what's right but....

You'll be doing the wrong thing within two days.

PROVE ME WRONG!

bite me craven

Listen to the alarm bells going off in your head, because these traits he is showing you now in the 'new' stage, will be a whole lot worse later on.

Get on your bike and get out of it, you dont need to ask permission to leave this guy and go back to your ex.
And I agree with Craven, you know whats right but...
I think you should try to prove us wrong, gives you the strength to get out of something you shouldnt be in.
You would move pretty quick if you saw smoke coming out from the kitchen....right?

Whoa.

Okay, let's start with the current boyfriend. He sounds an awful lot like someone who engages or has the potential to engage in emotional if not physical abuse. I know that sounds harsh but you're saying things like:



This sounds like a classic abusive relationship or that it has the potential to become one. You are setting yourself up for a very bad situation here. The fact that you notice this already is good. Now's the time to do something about it. Don't wait until an arm is broken, your self-esteem is down the tubes, you've been cut off from your friends and family, or you're seriously considering a restraining order.

And, it's not a failure if you do something about it. There are, as they say, many other fish in the sea. Great sex can be found in a lot of other places, with a lot of men who won't treat you like dirt. I am sure you are an appealing person who can find other men. You don't need this guy.

Now for the ex. He sounds like a nice guy but no law says you must, absolutely, have to go back with him if you drop the current guy. I have no doubt that there are way more than 2 eligible/suitable men in your town. Before considering returning to the older relationship, ask yourself why you were there in the first place, why you were bored, and why you left.

In the meantime, I strongly suggest finding other guys to date. See what else is out there - good, bad and indifferent. Maybe don't jump right into a deep, intense relationship immediately. It's not necessary to be in a super-committed relationship in order to date, have fun and be happy. Play the field a little. I'm not suggesting being slutty - rather, I'm suggesting, go out and have fun and see how it goes. You may find your ex was the greatest person ever and you can't live without him. You may find he was good for you at a particular time in your life, but that time has now passed. You may find someone else who will be wonderful and magical and fantastic for you. You may find that no one right now is wonderful and magical and fantastic, but that you don't care because you're enjoying yourself.

It doesn't have to be black or white, all or nothing. But do, please, get out of the current relationship. From what you've written, it sounds as if no good can possibly come from it.

Best of luck to you.

Sheesh, I don't want to further complicate the issue.

Look, I'm serious about proving me wrong. Put what you want to do in writing. Then do it. Because even you are tired of hearing it now.

Be by yourself for a while. If you still are interested in the ex after all of that, and he is still interested in you, maybe go the counseling route. But the best cure I have found for this "him or him??" stuff is to choose door # 3 -- nobody. The "him or him?" stuff often comes from a fear of being alone, and therefore choosing someone unsuitable.

If being alone is a viable option -- "him or nobody?" vs. "him or him" -- it is more likely that you will find someone truly worth your time.

My

I gotta agree with sozobe on that last one. But since I know that being by yourself is harder for you than walking on coals all I care about is that you ditch the loser.

You haven't even touched on all the crap he's put you through and so far the members here have got his number. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what kind of guy he is. You've known for a few weeks now and the signals are getting worse.

IMO you shouldn't be asking about the decision so much as how you are going to go about keeping yourself to it.

Thanks everyone, I really needed to hear other opinions.

I know what I should do and craven is right being alone for me is hard. I have been in an abusive relationship before, which is why all of my warning danger, signals have been going off.

But I just cant seem to say no to this loser. The relationship is only 3 months old and it has gotten physical. I keep telling myself to walk away, but he wont let me. He keeps calling my cell, I mean constantly, so I finally just answer to shut him up.

So I know what to do, but it how to do it. I tell him its over but he just acts like nothing is wrong. Then of course hes sweet until he wins me over.

I am not a wimp, I can defend myself and stand up for myself. But why am I so at a loss now.

justabrat

I've said it before and I'll say it again. It doesn't matter if he doesn't accept you ending the relationship. It's not one of those mutual agreement things.

Yeah. Just end it.

Are you actually concerned for your safety once you've ended it? Like, that he will show up on your doorstep unannounced, be menacing, maybe worse? That probably does call for further measures than just being firm.

But if it's just that he "acts like nothing is wrong," just don't let him get away with it. Say, "I'm serious, I'm not continuing with this relationship" as many times as is necessary. Be a broken record. Refuse to meet him.

Since you've already told him it's over and then gone along with things regardless, it probably WILL take some broken-record repetitions before he really gets it. (I.e. you've said it before but didn't mean it, so no reason for him to take you seriously now.)

Sorry if this is harsh, but your description of him gives me the creeps.

Good luck!

I agree with all of the above. The hardest part is, these guys are always so damned manipulative. They make it very difficult to get out.

As Noddy would say, "Hold your dominion."

Stop answering your cell phone. Turn it off for a few days. Let him leave voicemails on your home phone. Leave town for a few days and don't tell him where you're going. Be nice if you can, but if he won't take it any other way, be blunt. Just make the break. And make it soon. It's only going to get more difficult the longer you wait.

Get out. Period. This is sounding bad enough already. Cool off, make amends with the ex who treats you right, and get over your feelings of feeling like a 'roommate' or a 'daughter'. Can I guess the ex is older than you? What would you prefer to be, a firecracker, burning hot, but burning out quickly, or a giant scented candle, slow to start, but ultimately longer-lasting, and more satisfying? Also, if I may, making a long-term relationship work with the ex is not 'the easy way out', it's the challenge. Letting it fall apart and descending into past life patterns (abusive and what not) is the easy way out. Good luck!

[quote="justabrat"]But I just cant seem to say no to this loser. The relationship is only 3 months old and it has gotten physical. I keep telling myself to walk away, but he wont let me. He keeps calling my cell, I mean constantly, so I finally just answer to shut him up. [/quote]

Classic abusive manipulator! I don't mean to be offensive, you can see the writing on the wall as well as we can, so picture that phrase on your headstone: "I just couldn't so no to the loser!" That's the same as saying "I had the right of way" after you've been hit by a car ... what good does it do, you're dead!

So, you can either stand up tall, do what's right for you, and go solo for a time until you find out who you are. It would not be fair to go back to your old boyfriend, as he seems to love you but you don't think you love him. You could maintain your friendship with him, but it would not be right to mislead him into thinking you're "in love" with him.

As for the loser you're with now, if you don't value your own life enough to end it, then it is going to get worse, and you may not be around to tell the tale.

Good luck!

This new boyfriend sounds exactly like one of my ex's who use to like to use my face as a punching bag. Please, get out while you still can!!! If you stay with this abuser it's going to get much, much worse!

If you were abused before, then you know what you have to do.

Ah, yes, the inevitable draw to the possessive stalker. If you stay in the relationship it will be even more fun trying to get rid of it - changing phone numbers, restraining orders.... He tracks you down now - can you imagine what he'll be like if he thinks you don't want to talk to him anymore? Yep. Fun, fun, fun.

Going back to the ex is even a better idea. Get back into a relationship you really didn't seem to happy with in the first place and let him hang around until you dump him for someone else again. That really is the perfect way to treat someone that "treats you wonderfully". So wonderfully that you ditched him for someone that's "possessive and demanding".

Isn't this screwed up enough as it is? Call it a wash and move on. Whatever you do, please don't go back to your ex - leave him be to find someone that he doesn't treat wonderfully just so they can ditch him for someone else and still be treated like a parachute.

He's VERY posessive. I told him as much (I'd called justabrat and he told me I was "Cramping his style", I told him that posessive and insecure are not a style sso much as a problem).

Anywho, she made it through one night! Woo hoo. Let's see if she can prove me wrong and make it through 2 days.

Yay justabrat! Good start.

Go justabrat!

I think that because being alone is so scary for you that that is exactly what you should do next.

Now I seem to have made a move in the right direction, thanks everyone I needed to hear other opinions.

Even though I could see exactly what I was walking into I was having a real hard time actually doing it. Anyway so I didn't respond to his 25 text messages and 20 vm messages, but the idiot is now trying to made me go broke.

He text messaged me last night with this "text = $ cash". In other words he knows what my cell phone plan is and now is going to make me PAY.

Of course immediately after he sends another that says "I love you and am so sorry, you are my world"

I'm not sure that I can change my phone number on my phone. I have a contract for 1 year. But hopefully if I explain they might give me one?

Any ideas.

justabrat