Personal Thread

Heck, I'll even call if that'd help. (Cheap long distance plan.)

Everyone gets scared. For different ~ but very real ~ reasons. You're not alone. I'll repeat that.

You're not alone.

Applause to sozobe ~ your scenario is exactly the reason I keep to myself when I'm very upset. Do not tell me that everything will be okay because my heart isn't listening at all. Yeah, things pass eventually, but if the human brain and heart don't grieve for a period, things can get uglier.

Encore to cav ~ your arguing strategy is terrific advise. (My ex hubby should be so wise.) The great thing about cav's strategy though is that it only takes one person to use it. Yes, two are better, but what if you can't convince the second person?

Dejavu ~ heard someone speaking a few days ago and thought the statement worthy of writing down.....

'When facing decisions, if you don't know what to do, don't do anything until you do know'.

You and Anastasia are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Rae....thank you, and thanks for bringing up that point. If only one accepts the advice, give the other space, also very important. Most folks facing emotional crises can get over them, if they communicate, and I mean really communicate...not talk, not discuss, but communicate, which requires a whole lot of listening, not just 'hearing the words', and proper, adult responses. Man, that took me a long time to learn, and I'm still working on it. I wish you both well...I hate to see sad couples who clearly belong together break up. Let us know....you both seem like great people. :wink:

Cav, I've also seen great people break up who really, really didn't belong together... they can each be great, no fault per se, just shouldn't be together. And I've seen these great people go on to find other, more compatible great people.

There are definitely relationships that can't and shouldn't be banged into shape. Just hard to figure out when it's one (tough to deal with, but worth it) or the other (even with enormous amounts of work, will never happen.)

I hear ya soz, but I don't know nimh or anastasia personally, so I'm just putting out my experiential advice, that's all. It worked for me, but I can't say it will work for everybody. That would make me preachy, and I won't have that . Also, you are right, sometimes people just don't belong together. It's a judgement call, and a tough one. However, I agree, relationships should not be "banged into shape", as that implies a battle for dominance, which is wrong. "Fine tuning" would be my approach, i.e., responsive communication, and a hightened awareness of each other's needs. If that does not work, well...I dunno. Then I would say the couple thing will not work.

One day at a time, nimh. Baby steps. Deep breaths.

ditto rae..both on the dont do until and baby steps with deep breath

nimh and stasia...big hug

People. Hi.

<cautious smile>

I dont want to seem ungrateful, and i may, perhaps - cause of not having come back here when i've been posting on all these bull political threads, an' all. But its not the same thing. I hope you understand.

Reading all your posts was very, very comforting. It helped a lot. Thank you all. Sozobe the first one here, again, of course <smiles> - feels like with a friend. Rae's heartwarming care, made me smile when I felt alone. MassCass, little k - haven't seen you in ages, hi. All cav's advice.

It's good advice, cav, i know ... familiar advice, though, too. I've tried so hard to implement it ... but we could still have done a lot better, i guess <nods>.

There's things where it gets difficult, though ... for example: "being the rock", when you're "on the receiving end" - that bit <nods>. I mean, when you're on the receiving end, always, again (and i felt i was) ... and always unexpected, about the most - unexpected - things ...
I really tried, that - i mean, thats what i gave myself as job description, kinda; but it also pretty much drove me to collapse (she didn't - note - the 'job description' i'd given myself did). (I was even on partial disability a few months, work & home stress coalescing.) I'm left with this deep-seated, internalised fear/distrust/insecurity: its never going to be good enough ... any moment, it might turn bad again ... <cuts himself short>. I just want to be myself again, and trust that ... that'll be OK. Thats all i want. <nods>.

Ironically, she seems to be holding up better now than i am. Might only seem so. Perhaps because her belief is stronger. But i'm trying to force myself to get a grip again too. It doesnt quite work - work's been a mess. But at least, every time i find myself talking to myself (not necessarily out loud like little boy lost, i remind myself i'm a big guy - and i shouldnt allow myself to - fall. And then sometimes, I don't.

Tomorrow, I'm going to visit a friend, in Germany. Not a very close friend (well, she was very close, but she doesnt know all this). I'm very scared - I'll have to be "ok". But perhaps it'll be good.

Thanks again.

ENJOY the visit with your friend, nimh. And if you find solace in telling her about the happenings of late, then do it. Maybe she'll be able to give you the hug we all wish WE could do.

By the way, and this comes from my very wise Dad ~ there's nothing wrong with talking to yourself. It's when you start answering yourself that you ought to go with the nice men in white coats.

{habibi} I can't think of you any other way than habibi. If you don't mind my sharing my experience, maybe you can find some comfort in it. My husband and I separated after 22 years of marriage. (We are reunited now , but that's not the point.) He left me and my world came crashing down around me. What got me through it was allowing myself two indugences. 1. Crying time. I allowed myself some self-pity. Usually I got tired of it after a hour or so and got on to doing something else. 2. Reaching out to friends. My friends were rocks. I tried not to take advantage of them, but if they were willing to listen, I talked and talked.

Breaking up is hell. There is no getting around it. Keep as busy as you can, especially doing things that don't take a lot of thought. My house was spotless and the yard perfectly manicured! (Wish I could say that now.) Eventually, you will feel like yourself again. In the meantime, don't feel ashamed, treat yourself well. We're here for you.

I've been neglectful in keeping up with people I truly care about.....please forgive me.

nimh ~ how are you, love? You and anastasia are always in my thoughts and prayers.....as tumultuous as your relationship has been, I still want to see the two of you together.

Much love. Rae.

Thanks Rae ... that is very sweet of you ... <smiles>

You were gone for a little while (from A2K, I mean), I think? I hope it was because you were out having fun ... :-)

As for nimh - nimh is still feeling lousy - sad and confused. <nods>.

<shrugs>

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

nimh- I don't know either you or Anastasia very well, but if I might give some insight borne of experience..........

Often what a relationship needs is time and distance. When a couple has reached a point where they are banging heads, they both need time alone....to recoup, to evaluate, to figure out what comes next.

In the beginning, the separation is difficult. All the emotional stuff is pouring out, and it is difficult to get back on track. If a couple has been together for awhile, and done most things together, each party to the partnership needs to define themself as an individual, instead of a couple .......... and that is a formidable job in and of itself.

Once that happens, each person can decide who he or she is, with or without the partner. It is then and only then that the two people can decide whether is is better to be apart or together.

To this end, I have found that it is better for the couple to see as little as possible of the other, at least at the beginning of the separation. You can't have time to recoup, when all the old issues are again and again staring you in the face.

Whichever way it goes, I wish you both the best!

Sorry you're still feeling lousy, nimh. It's to be expected, for sure, but sorry nonetheless.

hey sozobe! i havent seen you around for a few days either, i think. and i havent been in the mood to write PMs or e-mails or anything for quuuiiite a while now ...

Yeah. No hurry. (There was a bit of news that I was kind of concerned whether you had an adverse reaction to, but no hurry.)

no no no - no adverse reaction to anyone else's messages - love to find someone writing me. But - and I know that the practical effect is akin to sheer egoism - I just find myself just ... unable to sit down and write anyone. Even call them - the odd friend called several times, and they really just had to catch me at home to get to talk to me, because the whole thing of ... starting a letter, starting a conversation ... i dont want to talk about "how i'm feeling". Well, somewhere I do, of course - but starting the whole exercise of it - I dread it. So I've been somewhat of a loner these past few weeks.

Sometimes its good - one day, I was out somewhere, telling myself to just finally call someone, a friend in that town, get some help, some company - and then I realised I didnt want to, and that I was fine with that ... and I spent the evening in bliss, by myself, overlooking the most beautiful river-view from a nice terrace ... but sometimes, of course, its really bad, and I'm just stumbling around by myself without a clue.

Anyway. Thats why. Somehow posting on a (this) board is different, and costs me no trouble at all - trouble is stopping in time, mostly. I dunno what it is. Different buttons that it pushes or that need to be pushed for it. But so, thats why. Dont worry about that bit of news, no problem! ;-)

Oh, and I found you back, btw - you were just in different threads than me these last few days ('s come to be a big place, this, hasnt it? . I just joined one of 'em, an' all <nods>.

nimh, a loner is okay..you really must get through this and like yourself before you can accept someone else..corny I know..but, very true.
Finding bliss in tranquility sounds good and you know life is filled with hills and valleys...its all about the approach and descent.
Keep your head up and when you can find it in you to spend time with others you really should, you dont have to talk about how you're feeling any good friend will simply make sure that you are and hope to make you smile once or twice at the least.
<hugs>
those help too!

After a month away I just dropped in for a casual read and .....

We generally want more than we need and often we confuse the two. I am at the opposite end of the spectrum from you. I carry an emotional knife and when relationships end I cutr their emotional throats. It's over. A childhood in foster homes, etc, taught me that. I don't do trial seperations. I don't do forgivness for infidelity and, I don't do extended pain. I came back from Korea and my wife had built a nest elsewhere. At first I had to hjave her back. I needed to have her back. In 2 weeks I wanted her back. In 3, I couldn't remember her name.

I somehow feel feel that the answer for you will be found somewhere between the depths of despiration and the slashing of all emotional bonds.

Your notes as to what you can't do begged that I respond that you can. Your sorrow in being lost should beseech you to take up the quest to find yourself. We often take on agony as we think we should when we overlook joy which we could.

Good luck and best thoughts from someone at the other end.

<bm>