Eric Estrada says, "He's gay!".
Kitkat - ask him out. I know, it's hard, but it's apparently just as hard for him. This aint no easier for shy guys than for shy girls; in fact, it's harder because they know they're supposed to make the first move, and because a shy girl can (almost) always find another guy who will ask her out first, even if he's not such a nice guy, while a shy guy is, in comparison, basically f*cked.
Ask me about it... :wink:
Really. It could be that he really just wants to be friends; it could even be that he's gay. You dont know. There's always a risk. But all the neanderthalers' gay-crying notwithstanding, as a shy guy myself, I can tell you it sure dont sound like that.
So ask him out for something, anything - you have the perfect excuse now. Like you say, you wont meet him for a while now just by fate of work, so that means that it's the perfect timing to contact him and say, hey - we've been having so much fun, I cant stand the thought of not meeting up with you for months suddenly now - let's meet!
It'll be easier outside work context anyway, for one thing, who knows, he might be afraid of all the rules and codes they got now in the workplace. And then, yes, I'm afraid that's not even the end of it, not just will you have to contact him to meet up, at some point you'll probably also have to be the first to make a move. All those moments at the elevator, for example - at some point they were ripe for an attempted kiss... even if he wasnt going to be the one trying.
I dont really know what's best to ask him out to - normally I'd say take it easy, if you're nervous about contacting him in the first place just start off with asking to meet for a coffee or something. On the other hand the whole point is that you're all settled in this really comfortable and close friendship kind of mode, which he knows how to do and which is safe, so then going for a coffee will likely just kind of perpetuate/repeat the way you're interacting now. I mean, he'll likely just take that as a sign that you know, you wanna keep hanging out as friends even if you're not meeting trough work anymore now. If you ask him out (or over) for dinner, at least the signal will be clearer... maybe enough with the mixed messaging.
boomerang wrote:roger, your post reminded me of this old best of craigslist one:
Quote:"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-11-19, 3:52AM PST
I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.
What happened to all the nice guys?
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were **** treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.
Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"
Well, once again, you did.
You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an **** than he ever wanted to be.
Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.
So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:
1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.
I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.
If you were five years younger.
So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've **** yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't **** want you, now.
Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy
Ooooooooooh that one is goood!
Been there done that.. It all turned out good, but damn I remember what it felt like -
You tell 'em, recovering nice guy! You tell 'em
nimh wrote:Kitkat - ask him out. I know, it's hard, but it's apparently just as hard for him. This aint no easier for shy guys than for shy girls; in fact, it's harder because they know they're supposed to make the first move, and because a shy girl can (almost) always find another guy who will ask her out first, even if he's not such a nice guy, while a shy guy is, in comparison, basically f*cked.
Ask me about it... :wink:
Really. It could be that he really just wants to be friends; it could even be that he's gay. You dont know. There's always a risk. But all the neanderthalers' gay-crying notwithstanding, as a shy guy myself, I can tell you it sure dont sound like that.
So ask him out for something, anything - you have the perfect excuse now. Like you say, you wont meet him for a while now just by fate of work, so that means that it's the perfect timing to contact him and say, hey - we've been having so much fun, I cant stand the thought of not meeting up with you for months suddenly now - let's meet!
It'll be easier outside work context anyway, for one thing, who knows, he might be afraid of all the rules and codes they got now in the workplace. And then, yes, I'm afraid that's not even the end of it, not just will you have to contact him to meet up, at some point you'll probably also have to be the first to make a move. All those moments at the elevator, for example - at some point they were ripe for an attempted kiss... even if he wasnt going to be the one trying.
I dont really know what's best to ask him out to - normally I'd say take it easy, if you're nervous about contacting him in the first place just start off with asking to meet for a coffee or something. On the other hand the whole point is that you're all settled in this really comfortable and close friendship kind of mode, which he knows how to do and which is safe, so then going for a coffee will likely just kind of perpetuate/repeat the way you're interacting now. I mean, he'll likely just take that as a sign that you know, you wanna keep hanging out as friends even if you're not meeting trough work anymore now. If you ask him out (or over) for dinner, at least the signal will be clearer... maybe enough with the mixed messaging.
Thank you for your post. It really put some things in perspective for me. Especially when you mentioned the shy guy waits too long while the shy girl will take the first guy that comes her way even if he's meaner. I am guilty of this act. Since I posted last, we have actually been talking every day through Myspace and text messages, which isn't much but its good enough of a start for me. I'm attempting to get him to come out with me, we are both really into dogs and dog walking as well as both being very into physical activities such as sports and outdoors.
As for him being gay, I'd say thats a real far stretch. I've seen his other girl friends in person and in photo. He knows how to pick em. The only difference between myself and the other incredibly attractive women he choses to date, is that I am much younger than them. I'm not a vain person nor do I "toot my own horn" but I know how I look. I know I turn heads. Ive spent some time with him and I really don't believe him to be gay. He's a shy guy and I am a shy girl, but I've learned to be a little more extroverted when it comes to getting what I want. If I wasn't then we would just be two shy people never making a move forever.
Whew... ok... I know what I have to do. I just have to face my fears and ask him. I'm just so bad at it!
jesus christ, just lean over and give the guy a kiss.
criminy, you kids today....
Things are actually going well, slow, but well. We have talked everyday since we were in Vegas either through phone or text message. Still nothing to show that he's interested in taking our relationship to a more personal level, we are just more like good friends right now.
I need to make a call on this guy and I don't know if I have thought through all the facts on both sides very well in order to make that decision. Here are some key facts about this guy that I should point out:
1. He's 13 years older than me. This doesn't bother me because he is quite attractive and doesn't look 38 in the least. Plus, it is not unusual for girls my age to be attracted to an older male.
2. He has some baggage. Also, doesn't really bother me. He was married once before and got divorced, just as I did, only he had two kids with her. A boy and a girl who are very close, and very beautiful. The girl is 11 and the boy is 9.
Those are the two biggest facts I could think of. I've thought about both the above facts and nither of them bother me. I mean, just look at Katie Holms and Tom Cruise's relationship. She's much younger than him with no kids, and he is divorced with two kids from a previous marriage. So things like this are not uncommon. Ive never been in a situation where the guy I am with has kids so I have no way of knowing if getting into a relationship is a huge mistake or not.
Just when I though he wasn't going to call me again, he calls me up yesturday and invites me out to go bowling with him and his kids. Is that a big deal? I don't know! So I go and we have a great time. Of course there was flirting, but we kept it minimal because kids are smart these days. And they are just adorable and well mannered and get along so well. He is a very good father to them.
All those things above pull me closer to him because I know thats what I am deeply attracted to, I just want to make sure I make the right decision for the right reasons.
kit kat, way to go so far.
So is the mother the primary care taker, and how long since his divorce?
Questions, questions, and you might not even know the answers yet but it's all things to think about.
I've never been involved with a divorced man with children, not beyond some casual dating. I do remember the questions in my head at that time though.
And the age difference, that too, it's more a matter of compatibility and whether you are on the same page in life. It looks pretty good from that end so far.
Take it as it comes, good luck and just see what happens.
nimh wrote: while a shy guy is, in comparison, basically f*cked.
Ask me about it... :wink:
I ask you out all the time..
you keep turning me down
muttering something about airfare..
shewolfnm wrote:you keep turning me down
muttering something about airfare..
well that and, you know, husbands...
