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Mon 19 May, 2008 10:15 pm
Would someone please try to help me understand this white boy Nice Guy approach? Why does it take so much longer for the Nice Guy's to make a move? I mean, if all the signals are there, the connection between the two of you is phenomenal, and every time you're around each other you smile a little brighter and you both "glow" like nothing else in the world matters but what the two of you are doing, why continue to wait? What are they waiting for?
I've known this guy for six months now. I think it's pretty safe for me to admit I do have a major attraction to him. We are teammates together and the connection between us is incredible, well he may not think the same, but at least that's how it feels to me. When we are together we rarely leave each others side. I knew that he and I would be in Vegas together the same weekend for the league vacation and I was hoping something more would happen between us, but I am a little disappointed to say nothing did. Lord knows I tired. I mean, we went out dancing, we spent every moment together. We went to the pool and I showed off my bikini and my new sexy beach body that I worked very hard to get with diet and exercise. He took me on the roller coaster; I took him to the M&M Factory. We laughed the whole time together and smiles were always on our faces. Every third stranger we ran into either asked us if we were married or were boyfriend girlfriend. At the dance club, when I left to use the restroom, a man sitting behind our table leaned over and told him, "You should take your girl out on the dance floor." They all referred to me as "his girl". Every night I'd find a way to be closer to him and every night we parted ways on the elevator.
The deal is, the last nice guy I went after took me three years of being his bestest best friend for him to finally ask me out. Not that I am impatient or anything, but I really don't feel like wasting three more years of my life chasing after him while he tortures me with never making a move. Everyone is telling me to pursue him, even my own grandparents, and I really don't want to let him go. But I have no way of knowing how interested he is. I'm not sure what signals to look out for.
...I never waited for the nice guy...they made me impatient. Something alluring about a mischevious man...but let me warn you - whatever you find attractive about them while you are dating may very well become a burden once you are married. If I were you and this guy is as nice as you say he is - find a way to make it happen sooner.
Sorry I have no idea how to make that happen though...
Good Luck :wink:
Wimmen! Treat 'em with respect, and value them for themselves, and what do the want? Charley Animal! Treat them otherwise and we're pigs. Ya'll please make up your minds.
Dang it, mismi. I saw a reply that soon, and was dragging out my flamethrower (for defensive use only). I'm kind of in a sour mood tonight, and should probably head for bed.
<cleans and stores flamethrower>
Re: The "Nice Guy" Approach
kitkat_bar wrote:Every night I'd find a way to be closer to him and every night we parted ways on the elevator.
And this for six months?
What about if he is as clueless as yourself on these matters?
kitkat_bar wrote:I'm not sure what signals to look out for.
Then you should look what signals you are sending out, perhaps...
Re: The "Nice Guy" Approach
Francis wrote:kitkat_bar wrote:Every night I'd find a way to be closer to him and every night we parted ways on the elevator.
And this for six months?
What about if he is as clueless as yourself on these matters?
kitkat_bar wrote:I'm not sure what signals to look out for.
Then you should look what signals you are sending out, perhaps...
No no, the elevator thing was only this weekend in Vegas. I have known the guy for six months and this weekend we were alone in Vegas and nothing happened. But this weekend is the closest we've ever gotten. Since we are on the same team I only get to see him once a week.
Well, I live in a different world.
Around here, if a guy goes out with a girl for longer than a week and nothing* happens, he is a friend and sees no further than that.
Nothing* - no kisses, no caresses, ...
But, as I said, the situation can be complicated by erroneous signs sent out by one of them.
Then, it's up to the other to make the first step...
We do live in the 21st century and it is acceptable for a woman to make the first move.
Why don't you?
Not making a move on a girl you are majorly attracted to, and who you are quite certain likes you isn't called being a nice guy.
There's other words that can desribe the reasons someone is not willing to take the 'risk'.
Why don't you let him know directly that you'd like more?
roger wrote:Wimmen! Treat 'em with respect, and value them for themselves, and what do the want? Charley Animal! Treat them otherwise and we're pigs. Ya'll please make up your minds.
Funny. I used to work with an eccentric, sometimes infuriating nice guy, who was a millionaire by inheritance, who would recycle this story every two weeks or so-- by this time he was getting a little senile-- he'd always complain how rigid the 1950s were and how women didn't want to date nice guys. Practically every female he went out with immediately took him home to meet her parents. As he put it, "this was the kiss of death."
Ask him, "are you gay, or just dense?"
I guess I'm just not sure how to make a move myself. Lord knows how many failed attempts I've had with trying to make moves on a guy. The thing is, is that with this nice guy, I can't tell if he's just being overly friendly or if he's playing it extreamly safe. Most nice guys I know wait forever to make a move because they spend so long trying to be the perfect friends first. They don't want to make a move too suddenly because they don't want to ruin the friendship they have with the girl.
Now that Vegas has passed and we are both back home, the only way we will see each other again is if we are on the same league again. But that doesn't start until October. The only other way is for one of us to call up or myspace the other and invite them out somewhere.
If it is up to me to call him up, I don't want to sound desperate because I'm not, I just don't want to F this up. I'm sure that if he feels the same way he wouldn't want to ruin things either.
Ok, you are not listening, are you?
You had your opinion of this previously and nothing we can say will change that.
If such is your choice, why not?
roger, your post reminded me of this old best of craigslist one:
Quote:"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-11-19, 3:52AM PST
I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.
What happened to all the nice guys?
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were ******* treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.
Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"
Well, once again, you did.
You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.
Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.
So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:
1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.
I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.
If you were five years younger.
So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't ******* want you, now.
Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy
Gala wrote:
Maybe he's just boring.
Good point.
Francis, exactly what am I NOT listening to? I was commenting on another posters response to the fact that maybe it was me who should make the move and saying it's possible I've gone my whole life thinking it is the man who is supposed to make the first move.
Or are you just really pissed at the fact that I didn't GLORIFY your response first?
Because I think I'm listening pretty damn well to these people...
boomerang, Nice post. Very interesting. I see the point of vew of the male here, there are a lot of girls out there looking for the handsomly dashing guy who turns out to be a c%$k and turns down the nerd because of peer pressure. Of course, on both sides there are always exceptions to every "rule".
The thing is, is I think we want both. We say we want the nice guy and really mean we want the c%k guy but I think we most of us really want an equal moderation of both. I don't see why any of the guys in the article posted above feel they need to make a complete 180 degree change forever and blame it all on women. Why not meet them half way?
I just don't understand why men think, when us females want someone who isn't a geek or socially unacceptable together, that we somehow want to be called a bitch and either slapped around or talked down to lie piss. Sorry for the word usage. Women are attracted to a rough and tough male when it means she is protected and being taken care of. And we want the nice guy to love us and cherrish us like there isn't other women out there. Men find it easier to be one or the other because it's more difficult to juggle a personality change than it is for a women who tend to go through them daily.
Just ask him if he would like to do coffee some time.
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