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Wed 23 Apr, 2008 06:00 am
Someone who I used to work with and haven't seen in 7 years will be in town for a few days. But, I don't want to visit with him.
Here's why: when we worked together we were friends, bound by the sheer frustration of the environment we worked in. I got out, and moved far away. We kept in contact more in the beginning, but as time went on I noticed he'd never turned down the drama of his work and life.
So this means if I see him, I'm going to have to hear about all the people I used to work with, who I found depressing-- you know, who's family members have died, who's acting up (predictable players), who's on medication, who gained weight, who's ailing etc.
And, if I see him, it means he'll go back to the former workplace and give a report on me. That makes me especially uncomfortable. I'm so much better off now, but I just don't want those people knowing my business.
Okay, y'all, I'd appreciate a little input on this and please feel free to share your stories of people who return to your life and your feelings are mixed about it.
Yeah, I can relate to what you're saying.
How this recently came up for me is that I've had one of my emails forever, and used it when I worked in L.A. (About 8 years ago now.) One of my former staff members unexpectedly came up on the "who's online" list (as in, available to chat). My first thought was "wow hi!" and my second thought was "ugh, don't want to have that conversation right now..." (My staff was extremely emotional about my departure, and the person who took over after me -- who I knew wasn't perfect but who was the best I could find in an extensive search -- ran the place into the ground.)
Huh, sozobe. That was my reaction when I initially read his email saying he'd be in town: "Wow, this is exciting." And then I thought about it and realized, nuh-uh. This guy has a great sense of humor, which made the workplace tolerable. He would come up with the most outrageous statements about people or situations.
That's kind of bittersweet-- your successor ran the place into the ground...
Don't meet with him. Make other plans, always have something else to do, and when he calls, tell him that something else came up, etc. Don't be available. You don't have to meet with this person. You don't owe them anything, do you?
On the other hand, if you meet with him, look terrific, be terrific and steer the conversation away from the things you don't want to talk about towards the stuff that you do want to talk about. If there's nothing else to talk about, if you have nothing else in common, why meet with him anyway?
eoe wrote:Don't meet with him. Make other plans, always have something else to do, and when he calls, tell him that something else came up, etc. Don't be available. You don't have to meet with this person. You don't owe them anything, do you?
On the other hand, if you meet with him, look terrific, be terrific and steer the conversation away from the things you don't want to talk about towards the stuff that you do want to talk about. If there's nothing else to talk about, if you have nothing else in common, why meet with him anyway?
Thanks eoe.
I haven't gotten to the point of answering his email. And, he doesn't have my phone number because it's new-- that will give you some idea of how limited our contact has been. I don't owe him squat.
You've brought up an interesting point about if I choose to see him. I am going through a more difficult patch at the moment and I wouldn't fake being terrific very well. You know how it is? when you don't feel your best...
Then don't see him. He'll probably badmouth you back at the old job but who cares? Move on baby! Move on.
eoe wrote:Then don't see him. He'll probably badmouth you back at the old job but who cares? Move on baby! Move on.
Ha. You are so right. I'm just going to let the email slip into the ether.
Glad you came to that conclusion!
Hey Gala, mind if I piggyback?
Maybe I should start a new thread...
Anyone here on Facebook?
I started an account when a friend invited me, haven't spent a lot of time on it. Far-flung people have been discovering me, it's weird but mostly cool so far. One of my former staff members (again) contacted me -- she's someone I was especially close to and we've been in touch sporadically since I left, (as opposed to email guy above), so I went ahead and accepted her request and chatted with her a bit.
Well, now one of my former *clients* has sent a friend request. She was a handful, not someone I'm particularly interested in renewing contact with. But I'm not sure of Facebook etiquette -- is it terribly rude to refuse a request? Just not worth it?
I too have that same problem with facebook.
A group that I belong too here, EVERYONE seems to jump on the bandwagon of tagging anyones profile as a friend that is even remotely related to someone in the group.
I truly only KNOW about 5 or 6 people on facebook..
Yet, I get 6 or 7 a week from other women in the group that I have no clue who they are.
( mind you.. this group is about 1000 stong..)
I just dont do anything with the friend requests.
If I am ever confronted by someone, my simple answer would be that I was not sure HOW to do it.. so I left it alone.
sozobe wrote:Hey Gala, mind if I piggyback?
Maybe I should start a new thread...
Anyone here on Facebook?
I started an account when a friend invited me, haven't spent a lot of time on it. Far-flung people have been discovering me, it's weird but mostly cool so far. One of my former staff members (again) contacted me -- she's someone I was especially close to and we've been in touch sporadically since I left, (as opposed to email guy above), so I went ahead and accepted her request and chatted with her a bit.
Well, now one of my former *clients* has sent a friend request. She was a handful, not someone I'm particularly interested in renewing contact with. But I'm not sure of Facebook etiquette -- is it terribly rude to refuse a request? Just not worth it?
Nope, don't mind if you piggyback at all. I do not know the etiquette of socal networks like Facebook, but I would think refusing a request is about the most polite thing you can do for yourself and eventually for the other person.
It's an interesting point you raise, especially because we are supposed to spare hurting people as much as possible. However, the Internet is different. As soon as you politiely decline making contact with her, she'll be off trying to make contact with someone else.
shewolfnm wrote:I too have that same problem with facebook.
A group that I belong too here, EVERYONE seems to jump on the bandwagon of tagging anyones profile as a friend that is even remotely related to someone in the group.
I truly only KNOW about 5 or 6 people on facebook..
Yet, I get 6 or 7 a week from other women in the group that I have no clue who they are.
( mind you.. this group is about 1000 stong..)
I just dont do anything with the friend requests.
If I am ever confronted by someone, my simple answer would be that I was not sure HOW to do it.. so I left it alone.
shewolf, you know better than me. I didn't realize ignoring someone was an option. Maybe that's the kinder thing to do?
Yeah, ignoring is what I'm doing now. (As in, I just haven't taken action one way or another -- haven't accepted the request, haven't declined it.) I can keep doing that I guess but it feels a little weird.
sozobe,
Here I am telling you to politely decline when I am ignoring the email of a former co-worker who will be in town. Eeesh.
Heh!
Hey, it's been a while, he doesn't know that the email address is still active... right?
sozobe wrote:Anyone here on Facebook?
Yes.
A lot. Edgarb and I spend too much time there sending each other pies and racing cars together
You can ignore. You can refuse. You can block (sometimes the best option - though more obvious than ignore).
If you have your security settings right and simply ignore their requests, people can't actually tell that you're there and active.
ebeth, if you block someone will they know it? Let's say you block me from contacting you, will it send me a notice saying so?
Gala, no it will not send you a notice saying so. I've blocked people on FB so they won't even see me if they look at my friends' friend list. I think FB works well that way.
Some annoying folk who I *have* to accept (certain family, so current co-workers & such), I put them on my 'limited profile access' list. That way they can only see the stuff on my page that I want them to see e.g. they can only see basic contact info and silly stuff like status updates, etc. They cannot see my pics, my friends list and a whole bunch of other stuff.
I like FB, it's the *single* social networking Web site I've gotten suckered into and I'm enjoying it.
_Heatwave_ wrote:Gala, no it will not send you a notice saying so. I've blocked people on FB so they won't even see me if they look at my friends' friend list. I think FB works well that way.
Some annoying folk who I *have* to accept (certain family, so current co-workers & such), I put them on my 'limited profile access' list. That way they can only see the stuff on my page that I want them to see e.g. they can only see basic contact info and silly stuff like status updates, etc. They cannot see my pics, my friends list and a whole bunch of other stuff.
I like FB, it's the *single* social networking Web site I've gotten suckered into and I'm enjoying it.
Thanks for the explanation, Heatwave. It sounds as if they've set it up intelligently, no wonder why it's such a success.
So, let's say, I block you and you try to contact me, what happens on your end once you think you've contacted me?
I understand the part about your being able to hide your online status.
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