2 Weeks before W-Day and All Hell Breaks Loose

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About 6 months ago I started planning my wedding to be held on Saturday 04/26. Well up until sunday night things were moving along nicely with the wedding day plans and then all heck broke loose!

In Feb my fiance and I went to our favorite hotel in a small town near us and happened to view the 'Grand Suite' We thought it would be prefect for our wedding reception. At the time the guest list was 20 people and we mentioned this to the hotel clerk when we booked the room for the weekend. We booked the ceremony location (outdoors) with a back up for inclement weather to have the ceremony in the Grand Suite.

We planned to have cold food trays, drinks, and cake for the reception in the Suite. Well as most guests lists do it began to grow in size. With some standing firm on my part, we were able to keep the guest list to no more than 30. Seeing as how we were changing the number of people in the Suite, I decided it would probably be a good idea to check with hotel management again just to be sure there were no issues. This is where everything went awry.

Apparently the hotel clerk who booked our room was not aware of the supposed fire code for the room was only 10 people. (It sleeps 5 easily and is roughtly the size of a large 2 bedroom apartment with a full kitchen, living room, dining room, and TV rooms) When the owners of the hotel were notified of our plan to have 30 people in the Suite they came back with the fact that they had gone to extreme expense to furnish the suite with antiques and that they just could not condone the thought of 30 people in the Suite (even if 25 of them were hotel guests and ALL are responsible adults with nice houses of their own).

Needless to say I was quite angry and immediately began to think of way to resolve the situation. Invitations have already been sent and responses recieved so there is no option of reducing the number of people on our guest list at this point.

Well needless to say my fiance was not happy with this and the moment he found out he became unglued and said some not very nice things to me because I had not followed up with the hotel sooner. ("I TOLD YOU SO!") and said that we should just cancel everything. Well, I tried to maintain focus on the 'real' event which is the ceremony itself and reassure him, the plans for that are still ground solid and that perhaps we could find some place else nearby to have the reception. (minor change for our guests who had to take time off and made hotel reservations for the night).

Since most of our guests have hotel rooms on the same floor of the hotel, and mine and my fiance's room is off the "sun porch". I said that perhaps we can simply have the reception on the 3rd floor. Open up all the rooms and have people mingle throughout the floor for the short time of the reception (2 hours max). (This would create a natural rotation in and out of the Suite so that the fire code would still be considered.)

My other options are to extend the time frame on our ceremony site (but the weather is likely to be quite hot and the venue is outdoors) or to see if I can find an alternate site for the reception in the (very) small town for the 2 hour reception.

This is where I ask for the experts help... What would you do in this situation? Would you see about finding an alternate reception site or do you think I can manage to pull off the reception in the suite?

Also, needless to say as the bride my feelings were incredibly hurt by the my fiances reaction as he seemed to be more concerned with the after party sucess than the fact that were getting married. Up until this happened I was a happy bride and very excited, now reality has hit me upside the head and I've been in tears for two days trying to think of a good alternative and forget the fact that the groom is more concerned about other things than my hurt feelings and lack of support in coming up with an alternate solution. I even considered last night calling everything off I was so hurt Sad

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Whoa! You're freaked out and he's freaked out. You're getting married. Freaked out is a natural state.

Has he apologized for rubbing the blunder in your face? Is he aware of how much he's hurt you? This is a small thing, really, but his behavior and how he rectifies things with you is very important. Good husbands are kind. They don't hurt your feelings knowingly and not give a **** about it. No matter how freaked out they may be.

On the other hand, do you get caught in situations like this often? Not being thorough in your plans? If so, and he warned you, and you dismissed him, then that's another thing. It can get tiresome watching someone make the same mistakes over and over. Especially if you're about to marry that person.

As far as your reception, I'd definitely look for another location. The hotel already has a sore spot with you so I wouldn't try them. They'll be on the lookout. And besides, do you really want to run around during your own reception shooing people out of the room if the number exceeds fire code?

Do you live in a city with location options?

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head out for patron and grudge fling sex on the down low. release some endorphins and look at things in the morning with a clearer and more level headed perspective. Do it for you... do it for you husband... do it for the sake of your marriage.

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Go find a different venue for your reception. If the hotel doesn't have a meeting room or hall you can rent for the time then start looking at local civic organizations. The VFW, American Legion, Lions Clubs, etc... usually rent their halls out for such things pretty cheap.

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eoe: Thank you for your response. You are right. I am freaking out but I am also trying to maintain perspective. Normally I am on top of things like this so it's quite unusual for something unplanned to happen in events that I coordinate. Definately not the norm.

On the other hand my fiance was given the task of getting a photographer for us (he is a photogrpaher himself) adn has not even talked to one yet. >.< I knew this would be the case as he often procrastinates to the very last moment on most everything. We have been together for 11 years so these types of things so it's no surprise to me he hasn't done it yet which is fine with me. If we don't end up with a professional photographer no biggie. He knew this particular thing was still on my to do list and he offered to do it himself so I don't entirely undestand why it was such a suprise to him. Additionally, all the people we added to the list, are HIS family. Of the 30 people I have 4 of my family, 13 of his and then some additional friends of both of ours so I guess I really don't understand why he's freaking out so bad. They would all understand with a slight change in plans.

I think the thing that hurts me the most is the fact that he has not apologized to me for rubbing it quite so much. We have been to a couples counselor to help us with communicating with each other but he doesn't seem to understand at this point the degree of my hurt. I'm hoping that if I give it a few days he will see how harsh he was and truly apologize instead of adding the "I told you so." at the end of his supposed apology.

Finding a new reception site is going to be quite tricky. Looks like I might have to take a day off work to travel to look at the place. I certainly don't want to end up in a hole in the wall type place. I'd probably have to rent chairs and tables as well and I'm not sure what I can get on such short notice.

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Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

head out for patron and grudge fling sex on the down low. release some endorphins and look at things in the morning with a clearer and more level headed perspective. Do it for you... do it for you husband... do it for the sake of your marriage.

LOL - that sounds like a load of fun! Thanks Bear!

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fishin wrote:

Go find a different venue for your reception. If the hotel doesn't have a meeting room or hall you can rent for the time then start looking at local civic organizations. The VFW, American Legion, Lions Clubs, etc... usually rent their halls out for such things pretty cheap.

It's a very small historic mining town. I'm not sure they have those places there. I suppose I could check into places in the nearest bigger city which is about 15 minutes drive away...?

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MagicBlackCat wrote:

fishin wrote:
Go find a different venue for your reception. If the hotel doesn't have a meeting room or hall you can rent for the time then start looking at local civic organizations. The VFW, American Legion, Lions Clubs, etc... usually rent their halls out for such things pretty cheap.

It's a very small historic mining town. I'm not sure they have those places there. I suppose I could check into places in the nearest bigger city which is about 15 minutes drive away...?

It's not Cripple Creek is it? Cool

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fishin wrote:

It's not Cripple Creek is it?

No...it's Jerome, AZ... Smile

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Does the hotel show any interest in resolving a problem which is partly of their making?

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They have said that they are 'sorry'. I do not think at this point they even realize the hotel clerk was informed when we booked the room that we anticipated 20 people. The clerk was very thrilled to have us since this meant we would be filling up rooms at a time which is otherwise quite slow for them. I honestly believe they said the fire code of 10 people is made up and highly doubt they confirmed this with the fire department since the resturant they have directly below is exactly the same size but have a sign posted no more than 60.

As I further think on this, I may decide to call the owner and speak with them directly to reassure them that the 'reception' really is a very quiet event (with none of the normal wedding dancing bouquest toss, etc) It's just a get together for people to mingle for a couple of hours and eat cake.

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MagicBlackCat wrote:

I honestly believe they said the fire code of 10 people is made up and highly doubt they confirmed this with the fire department since the resturant they have directly below is exactly the same size but have a sign posted no more than 60.

errr.. They shouldn't need to confirm the max. occupancy.

When a building that will be open to the public is built they have a fire inspection just before they are allowed to open for business. The Fire Dept. tells them what the Max occupancy is for each room when they do that inspection. (This gets recalcualted any time they pull a building permit to do any modifications to the building too!) Fire Deptartments are usually supposed to pull random inspections and ensure employees are aware of things like occupancy rates, fire exits, etc... In most hotels the occupancy rate for each room is posted at the entry/exit ways of the door to each room/suite.

A 2nd or 3rd story suite intended for sleeping will have different occupancy rates than a resturant area on a ground floor. Floor space might be the same and is used in the calculation for determining occupancy but it doesn't override things like the number of available exists (including ground floor windows) or the time it takes to clear the room and get everyone to the outside of the building.

(More/larger exits + fewer stairs/stairwells = faster to clear the building = higher max occupancy.)

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fishin wrote:

errr.. They shouldn't need to confirm the max. occupancy.

When a building that will be open to the public is built they have a fire inspection just before they are allowed to open for business. The Fire Dept. tells them what the Max occupancy is for each room when they do that inspection. (This gets recalcualted any time they pull a building permit to do any modifications to the building too!) Fire Deptartments are usually supposed to pull random inspections and ensure employees are aware of things like occupancy rates, fire exits, etc... In most hotels the occupancy rate for each room is posted at the entry/exit ways of the door to each room/suite.

A 2nd or 3rd story suite intended for sleeping will have different occupancy rates than a resturant area on a ground floor. Floor space might be the same and is used in the calculation for determining occupancy but it doesn't override things like the number of available exists (including ground floor windows) or the time it takes to clear the room and get everyone to the outside of the building.

(More/larger exits + fewer stairs/stairwells = faster to clear the building = higher max occupancy.)

Thanks for setting me straight on that! There is only one exit to the room where the resturant below has two.

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Magic Black Cat--

Since the wedding is so close, I'd try to see what can be worked out with the hotel. After all, you're giving them considerable business in what you say is a slow season.

As for your fiance's fondness for the Blame Game.... Surely this isn't the first time he's blown his stack, hurt your feelings and felt better? Is this a pattern of coping that he learned from his parents?

Did he mean to humiliate you--or was your heartache an unexpected (for him) part of his venting? Has he pulled this sort of caustic venting in the past?

Is he basically a conventional sort of man who feels he will be judged on his non-standard wedding arrangements? Does he usually worry about other people think--whether he admits he does or not? Is he having his own form of Wedding Jitters?

Think. The guy comes with come coping techniques that can hurt. Is the rest of him worth this flaw?

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A good post from Noddy, as always.

There really seems to be two separate questions here.

1.) How can the wedding reception issue best be resolved?

2.) Are you absolutely certain you want to marry this guy?

To answer #2, put aside the annoyance and embarrassment of canceling a wedding so close to the date. That would be unpleasant, but far less unpleasant than getting married to someone who isn't right for you.

I've said before that I think that the first test of marriage is getting through wedding planning, especially if you're a d-it-yourself-er. It's a stressful time, to be sure.

Noddy makes a good point about how your fiance deals with stress, though. This will not be your last stressful situation, by a long shot.

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I would look for an alternate site. For 30 people you should be able to find something that could accommodate you all. Ask the hotel for some suggestions as well. Perhaps they have a small function room or can allow you an area of their restaurant if they have one. If not, I would have to imagine they would be able to make good alternative suggestions.

As an aside, the location of my wedding reception (for 100 guests) closed two months before our wedding. We had people coming for all areas of the country that had bought plane tickets, hotel reservations and everything. So instead of getting all upset, focus on what needs to be done and do it. Then send out quick notes - I wrote up on the computer a small 3 x 5 cards in nice quality paper, simply that the location of the reception had changed. Our situation had many more people and was on a holiday weekend. We were fortunate and were able to make an excellent alternative location and everyone in the end loved the reception.

Good luck to you and remember the most important aspect is your ready; the party afterwards is just a bonus! I bet your fiancé is probably just as stressed as you about the situation and didn't really mean anything. I'm sure if you talked about or once it is all settled and you let him know how you are hurt, you can resolve it. I've been through a tough situation like yours and the most important thing is just to keep your head about it. (I also know it is much easier for me know after being through it).

By the way - I did take a day off of work when this happened to me. I cried at first and then the next morning, my future husband and I set off and focused to find an alternative. We had people at other reception venues, the library and many others helping us. Just ask for help and people can be very nice and helpful.

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Jerome Winery's lovely European setting veranda overlooks the colorful town of Jerome. With a stunning view of the red rocks of Sedona, it is available for a variety of events. Engagements include company outings, private parties, corporate and executive meetings, weddings, and our popular food and wine pairing events. All functions are offered as a formal sit down or a casual buffet
http://www.jeromewinery.com/

City of Jerome Tourism Website
928-300-1234
[email protected]
http://azjerome.com/

Jerome chamber of commerce
http://www.jeromechamber.com/

Ask for help from the good people of Jerome. I bet the'd be happy to help.

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Noddy: I called the hotel this morning and they gave me a suggestion of a particular hall. As luck has it I got the same clerk who booked the room for us and he apologized for not clarifying with me the occupancy rate for the room at that time. Apparently his mother owns some other buidlings in the town and he has said he will see what he can find for me. Yay! I'm not counting on him finding anything for me but it was very sweet of him to offer considering some of this was brought on by his mistake.

As for my fiance, you are right. This is not the first time he has done this although it seems to have gotten worse since his heart attack last September. I'm not sure weather the medication he is on makes him more this way or his upbringing (he was kicked out of the house at age 15). Part of our couples counseling included me specifically stating his behavior when he would get angry and unreasonable. It not only helps me to focus on the fact that he's not really angry *at me* just at the situation and the paraphrasing back of what he is angry about helps to keep it from escalating. There are times I take a time out from him though because he gets worked up and I find myself not able to contain my own anger. Working on it....

I don't think he meant to humilate me. Thankfully we had some time last night to talk about it and he admitted he was harsh and apologized sincerely for hurting me. He is the youngest child of four in his family but really is considered the 'rebel' because he likes to have things *his* way most of the time. His family is not judgemental in my book but at times I do think he is very concerned with what his family thinks of him *shrugs*. I do think he is having wedding jitters as well.

Sozobe: Thanks for your reply! Let me tell you I get a lot of chuckles from the sozlet stories you share with us.

1) I am going to take the suggestion made by several of the people here and find an alternate location for the reception.

2) Yes. We have been together 11 years already. We have been through a lot together. Most of the time he is very supportive and is often the one to make up first when we argue. I often have difficulty letting things go. This is something I am working on as well with the aide of antidepressants and axiety medication. He has flaws..and so do I. We have worked through many of our control issues and the last six months with counseling help and working on it and just in the last few months we have grown closer to each other. Smile

We are doing all the planning ourselves and I felt quite lucky that things were going so well. I suppose it was ineveitable something would go wrong eventually! Maybe *crosses fingers* this will be the biggest issue of it all.

Linkat:Thank you for sharing your story with me. I definately needed some perspective to bring me back on track. I have scheduled Friday to take off work so that I can go look at the leads I am able to generate today and tomorrow. I'm feeling much better now that there is 'somewhere' in this small town that we can fit 30 people for a couple of hours. I just hope now I can find a place with tables and chairs.

Dadpad: How very sweet! Thank you for this information. A great starting point and I will probably widen my search into the Sedona area which is well known spot for venues such as this. I only hope they don't cost too much. We are paying cash for everything ourselves and although I set aside some extra for emergency, it is quickly being used up.

Update for Bear: Your idea worked like a charm! Very Happy

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Did you try a restaurant in the area? Even if they don't have a function room, they may be willing to sort of set up an area for you. We did this for our rehearsel dinner. Instead of getting a function room we went to the nearby Bertuccis. They were so accomdating. There was an open area that was away from the main dining room, that they set up for us. We were able to order from their catering menu as well. They did not charge us a separate hall/function rental fee either - all they charged us for was the food/drinks.

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MagicBlackCat--

Good. After eleven years you should know both each other and how to survive with each other.

Arizona has lots of sun.

Quote:

Something old, something new
Something, borrowed, something blue
And a sixpence in her shoe
(In the States, a dime will do)
Happy is the bride that the sun shines on.

Best wishes to you and to the groom.

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2 Weeks before W-Day and All Hell Breaks Loose

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