How do we make this work (Peacefully)?

alot of advice is only relevant here when you know what type of personalities are involved.

Is the MIL the type who is overbearing and butting into everything? Is she healthy or frail?

Personally, if my mother was alone and in her 70's, i wouldn't want her living alone. I think one of the worst things in the world is to be alone, and yes, old people can have friends and even new relationships, but let's face it, it ain't easy. How many 20 or 30 year olds do you know who go out all the time and still can't find a partner?

I knew a couple who bought a new house, and the woman's parents moved with them. There was a little apartment that was added onto the house, so the parents were there, but they had their own seperate space. The family could have dinner together, the grandparents helped watch the kids while mom and dad were at a work (a big relief!) and at night the grandparents retreat to their own quarters and the couple had their house.

honestly, if the woman still had her husband, i would say she shouldnt be living with her son, but she's old, and she's alone.

I, personally, would not be able to kick my own mother out, nor would I want her living alone. Let's face it, even if you live in the same city yo can't visit all the time. People get busy.

if it was some small apartment i would say it might be tough, but its a big house, why can't she just have her own room, her own space?

Just tell her you prefer to do things like cooking and cleaning (god knows why, but if you like it kudos for you) and maybe split chores like that. encourage her to have friends and go out once in a while. Play BINGO or whatever it is old people like to do. Ha.

i don't know if you plan on having children, but i would think tht if you do have kids, and one day you grow old, and maybe your spouse dies and you are all alone, that your kids would not want you to be alone either.

If she was some bitchy, overbearing mother in law that's another story. Sometimes there realyl are monsters-in-law.

Just my two cents.

It's me again, we'll this is just not an easy situation. I have to children from a previous marriage (12 & 10 yr old girls). We are just one big happy family and my partner has a 21 year old son who comes and goes and has a room in the house.

Ok, I know everyone will have some feedback on this

So, now we are looking at a 4 bedroom home inwhich one room is my partners, the other is his mothers, their is a guessroom and his son's room. When we marry, and mom stays, it has already been said and agreed that his son will always has his room. So that leaves the guess room for my daughters who are nearing teenage years. So possibly no problem, except, maybe years down the line starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

I don't know, everything in the house is his mothers, very cluttery. Clean, but a lot of stuff, some things that I would like to see moved....and I just feel as a woman that maybe I will end up not being able to make some changes to the house that should be "our home". If anyone can understand all this.

I will stop writing now, because one thing I do know, is that we are no where near solving these thoughts.....and there are many things to think about, from finances, to the house, to mom, to living arrangements, to re-decorating. UGH! Why is this so hard? You find your perfect mate, but there are perfect obstacles.

And to answer your question, she is not frail, she still drives, and gets around. She still wants to work (in=home care for seniors) but those jobs come and go. Right now she is currently out of work and feeling bad. She has friends, but don't like to go out or socialize with any of them. She just likes to be at home (if not working) and do little things around the house and do things for her son and spoil her grandson. She can be mean when she wants to, but everyone can.

Thanks all.

I think you need to consider that "our home" is actually his mother's home. Doesn't really matter what it "should" be.

Have you discussed getting an apartment with your partner? Starting out your lives together fresh?

I think so too that a place of your own would be the best solution.
Leave Mom where she is now, grandson can stay too if he's inclined to do so,
and you and your partner move into a place of your own along with
your two daughters.

If this arrangement makes everyone happy, and you have no problems six months from now, then you could talk about marriage.

Or you get an apartment with your two daughters for yourself and have
your partner move in on a trial basis. If it works out, you'll move from
there, if it doesn't, he stays with Mom.

"If this arrangement makes everyone happy, and you have no problems six months from now, then you could talk about marriage."

I agree with Jane; try living with him WITHOUT HIS MOTHER outside of that house, and see how it all unfolds.

Good luck. There's no rushing into this. You sound like you've been on your own for a while and know what you want.

Listen and trust your gut feeling.

My partner doesn't want to move out of the house. He feels he is entitled. I have asked him to move in with me and he opposed. But I have lived with him and his mother with my two daughters for about 8 months (about 2 years ago) and that wasn't that great.

The problem is his mother can't afford to live in the house should he move out, and she doesn't like to be alone. She has friends who have asked her to stay with them and she refuses.

This is when love really hurts.

Oy, that's an entire new aspect here: If your partner is not willing to
move and his Mom neither, then you got your answer right there.
Either you're with them or you're against them.

If I were you, I'd take this as a sign and move on.

I have kind of a different perspective on this...

My mom (who is about the same age as your MIL) lived with my sister and her husband for a while after my father died (it's a long story about how it all came about but it was mutually beneficial for everyone).

It was a gorgeous, huge house. My mom had the "MIL suite". She was hugely welcome.

And she was really unhappy, though I think I'm the only person she confided that in. She felt like a guest and she made up for that by doing everything around the house that she could possibly think of. Which annoyed the heck out of my sister.

They just weren't communicating.

My mom finally pulled rank and moved out and she is happy now.

She probably would have felt like a guest if she had gone to stay with any of her friends too so the whole cycle would have repeated itself.

Maybe you all should look not into a retirement home but a retirement community. Maybe get her involved in volunteering somewhere. Boy would that ever help her feel needed! Maybe find her a boyfriend.

She might not want to live with you and her son but doesn't really know how to go about it.

I think it's great that you all are talking about it the way you are. I don't get the feeling that you're trying to "get rid of mom" at all. Best of luck to all of you.

And welcome to A2K.

If I have given anyone the impression that I don't want "mom" around, that's not entirely true. I love her. I am starting to think that I am in the middle of an issue that my partner and his mother need to work out.

We know we want to be married and move forward, just don't want to cause conflict. This is a decision that we will have to make, and I thank all of you for your support and thoughts. I will keep you posted on how things eventuallly work out. And if some new information arises, that I may need to share.

Thank you

I don't get the impression that you don't want her around at all. I think the issue of ownership is bothering you the most. You want to enter into married life into a house that is yours, with your family. You want to decorate the way you want to, to get rid of things that bother you, that sort of thing. And you feel like if you are just moving into your mother-in-law's house, you won't have that kind of freedom. Is that about it?

I understand that it's a really tricky situation. I agree that it's good that it's being talked about openly, and I hope that everyone can light upon some solution that works...

Is there any rush in terms of getting married? Is there a major reason why you can't keep up your current, separate-household situation for a while yet?

Thank you so much.....you "hit it right on." That is it! Right now, if we get married and we move in, we move in with everything belonging to her. If I want to change something or invite my style into the home (which is traditional with a modern twist) it would cause friction. It is her home, and her things ( a lot of history).

There really is no huge rush to get married, but we would like to. We are currently planning, as this is a part of the planning. Which is causing most of the anxiety. My partner is currenly supporting the household and it would be nice to come together to make things a little easier. We see each other spending thousands of dollars to live separately when we could come together, sort of makes sense.