How do we make this work (Peacefully)?

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Hello everyone, first time to this forum. I hope that I receive kind and great insight from you all here in this area. I am a black woman in a 5 year relationship with a white man. We are deeply in love. Both of our families have received our relationship with open arms.

The confusion that i am finding myself in is this:

He wants to marry me, we've disscussed this, and I want to marry him. BUT, his mother who is 74yrs old lives with him and has since his first marriage (after the divorce and the passing of her husband)....so for about 20 years or so.

As a woman, he knows that I want to build and have things. I also told him my feelings regarding "mom". Those feelings are, I can't marry him and move into the house and live there and mom live there. My reason is because she wants to do everything. Wash everyone's clothes, cook dinner, just everything. BUT, I feel that this is a decision that he needs to make, by himself and not I. He is wanting me to help him figure out what to do with his mother......I can't do that, because I don't want things to backfire and I am said to be the one who wanted her out of the house.

Before, you ask some of the these questions, I'll try to help you out with the basics:

Our goal is to pay off the mortgage on the house $23,000 and keep the house in the family. It's a nice home. Selling as we all know may not be a good thing right now.

His thought is to move mom into a Senior Citizens Apartment Complex and pay her rent which will leave her with her Social Security income.

Our problem is, mom may not be happy, which would cause me not to be happy, because we get along very very well, she treats me like a daughter, and has said, I am like a daughter to her. But with all that said, we both know that it would be challenging with starting a new marriage.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any can offer advice please?

Thank you

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Who owns the house?

(is she living with him, or is he living with her?)

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Oops - welcome to Able2know, interracialheart

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Hello

Thanks for the greeting. It's nice to be welcomed. Becuase he married at a very young age,, his parents purchased the home for him and his wife. As of 1 year ago, the everytihing was "changed over" to him. So he now does.

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Has your partner discussed things with his mother - asked her what her plans were after your marriage?

Two things could (at the very least) come out of it - his mother would recognize that there was some expectation for her to have a plan, and perhaps information that she does have a plan.

Without knowing her, she does sound young to be going to a seniors complex?

~~~

Do you have a sense of whether she feels her son is living with her, or the other way around?

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Hi- We had a roundtable before the holidays last year, and she was very emotional....she felt it was the perfect time to say that she wanted to see us married before she left this earth....but she also said that she didn't want to leave the house when we get married because she fears being alone.

That day was very sad for me, because I don't want her to feel that way, and I expressed that, (we) expressed that,..but she just wants to be with us and in the house and not on her own. So I take that as she does not have a plan.

I do sense that she believes that it is her house, since she is the woman of the house.

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It sounds to me, based only on what you have written, that you have two problems, and one of them is with yourself.

His mom may be doing what she is doing so she can feel "needed" by someone.
Since her spouse died, she has been taking care of her son because some people, depending on how long they were married,need to feel needed.

Also, it sounds to me like you feel somewhat threatened by her actions, because you want it to be "your" house.
Is there any way you can work out any sort of compromise?
Something like you alternate days cooking, or get his mom to show you how to cook some of his favorite dishes?

Is there a separate part of the house that you can turn into "her house", with its own kitchen?

If the two of you are planning on getting maried, you will need to sit down (the 3 of you) and work something out?

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Interesting. I don't have any bright ideas just yet, so I'll just talk.

I agree with Mysteryman's views, definitely that his mother needs to be needed. Depending on her age and frailty or non-frailty, she needs to get going on her own life, but may not be, ah, culturally primed for that - not having to do with race, but having to do with women's changing roles and senses of themselves.

I don't see this as an interracial problem per se, but a common problem for some family situations. I do figure that while she knew she was signing over the house, she is invested in it emotionally, very understandable.

I also see your point of view, IRheart, wanting your own place.

Like I said, no immediate bright ideas from me. Will be interested in what others say.

An obvious idea is separate quarters, what they used to call a Mother in Law addition. But, given housing issues, zoning, and money considerations, not to mention her possible feeling shunted aside, that isn't so easy either. Be interesting if you could just trade houses to one with a studio/cottage..

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Mysteryman put it very well.

Reading your post, I get the impression that you have not looked at what you've said/are feeling :

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He wants to marry me, we've disscussed this, and I want to marry him.

This is a basic feeling of yours (if not, then don't marry him). The rest entails complicating factors/feelings.

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BUT, his mother who is 74yrs old lives with him and has since his first marriage (after the divorce and the passing of her husband)....so for about 20 years or so.

Interpretation : you don't want his mother there.

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As a woman, he knows that I want to build and have things.

This part is an oddity in the post because it seems to be an objection, but it is an isolated sentence with no explanation for it - is there an ownership issue for you, regarding the house? Or some other reason for this sentence?

Quote:

I also told him my feelings regarding "mom". Those feelings are, I can't marry him and move into the house and live there and mom live there.

You've given him the choice of you or his mom, and made it clear you don't want her living in the same house as the two of you.

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My reason is because she wants to do everything. Wash everyone's clothes, cook dinner, just everything.

This shouldn't be too difficult to negotiate with the mother if you approach her respectfully but firmly, and be open about your needs, fears and concerns. Perhaps you could divide up the chores. Have you tried approaching her about this? (it isn't stated).

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BUT, I feel that this is a decision that he needs to make, by himself and not I. He is wanting me to help him figure out what to do with his mother

Haven't you already said you will not marry him if his mother stays?

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......I can't do that, because I don't want things to backfire and I am said to be the one who wanted her out of the house.

It would seem that you have given him the choice of marry you and move the mother out, or don't marry you. In what way, if he has regrets, will this not be reflected on you?

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Our problem is, mom may not be happy, which would cause me not to be happy, because we get along very very well, she treats me like a daughter, and has said, I am like a daughter to her.

May not be happy? Or will not be happy?

These may seem harsh questions, but it seems you are engaging in selective self deception about the ultimatum you have given him, how it will affect the mother, and your own part in all of this. I would ask that you consider letting the deception go...and see what happens.

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I just snapped to, that's she's seventy-four. Hard time to be retraining re own life, I'll get off of that horse. I will agree that she can possibly develop some of own interests. The likelihood is not all that great, depends on the person. Some of us elders are feistier than others. But.. ah, this was her house. She signed it over to son, wants to have him happy and be helpful, but the paper transfer doesn't wipe memory.

So, I'll move over to thinking you reaaaaalllly don't want to volunteer for her running the house. But can't you give her a role? Lots to talk about, including at length with your possible fiancee.

I'm somewhat on the other side as well, that she should get a little place and let the lovebirds be.

A fellow that cares to take care of his mother - a gem, a good man; further, he might help you when you are down too.
A mother's boy? A guy who just wanted mom's house?

Hard to tell from here.

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Is a granny flat an option?

a small unit built in the backyard. Her own space to retreat to when you and your hubby want to have time alone.

My wife would love a situation where she come home from work and the floors are clean, dishes done, a meal nearing completion and the bathroom and toilet clean and shiny.

I don't for a moment mean you should treat MIL as a domestic servant but some help around the home could be appreciated.

Extended co-habiting families once were the norm and still are in many countries. there are many benefits to this type of arrangement from child care to emotional support.

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I am loving this forum.....so far I have been enlighten on everyone's views. We'll as hard as this may be, I guess I need to get better at communicating my words in detail online, because how I feel...the words are not coming out right.

First, I don't understand why I may be the one with the problem. Because I my partner and I would like to live together and start a life together? I am 36, he is 42, and has always had his mom to take care of almost everything. It's not just me who wants this life, but also my partner.

As for me I don't want ownership of his home, I would like to purchase a new home together...but he would like to keep his house, and I am supportive of that.

You are right, his mom wants to be needed. I never looked at it that way. It's not all that bad, I just think of being married and starting a life with someone on our own, you know you never grow up thinking that you will marry and have your mother-in-law living with you. But if that's what the outcome will be or has to be, I love him enough to sacrifice.

Why am I feeling sad, why do I feel like I am compromising my beliefs of a "happy start to a marriage?"

I just want all of us to be happy or close to it without conflict, and I don't want him to feel like he has to choose his mother other me.

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Excuse me, every couple has the right to live their own life without
Mom being present 24/7.

Mom had her life with her husband and I am sure they were not living
with anyone but themselves. Mom lost her husband, she's old now
and wants to feel needed, who doesn't? Fact is, she should step aside
and have her son and her new daughter-in-law make a life for
themselves without having feelings of guilt.

Her son has had a failed marriage already while Mom was around,
and who knows what contributing role she played in the previous break-up.
If she (Mom) were less selfish, she would not insist on living with her
newly wed son and daughter-in-law. She might be a sweet lady, but
she is also very selfish.

Hello IRHeart and welcome to a2k. Smile

I have no advice for you, just for your future husband. It is his
job to cut the umbilical cord with Mom and tell her that he's all grown up
now with a new wife and you both deserve to make a living of your own.
Being in a senior home close by doesn't mean you're out of her life,
it just means that your MIL will have her own place to live and you will
too - just like it is intended to be.

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Hello again. Do you understand that people often have competing desires within themselves? It helps if we acknowledge there are times in our lives when we experience competing interests, and that life is made up of imperfect decisions.

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First, I don't understand why I may be the one with the problem.

From what you said :

It would be more accurate to phrase it as "You have a problem with his mother living with the two of you. Since she is already living with him, you have a problem."

It would also be accurate to say that you have a problem with her doing all the housework (which is just paraphrasing what you said)

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Because I my partner and I would like to live together and start a life together? I am 36, he is 42, and has always had his mom to take care of almost everything. It's not just me who wants this life, but also my partner.

What you want is rather normal. What isn't normal (ie usual) is his mother living with him.

He wants this life with you, but does he want it at the expense of his mother, or does he want his mother to move out?

Quote:

You are right, his mom wants to be needed. I never looked at it that way. It's not all that bad, I just think of being married and starting a life with someone on our own, you know you never grow up thinking that you will marry and have your mother-in-law living with you. But if that's what the outcome will be or has to be, I love him enough to sacrifice.

Quote:

Why am I feeling sad, why do I feel like I am compromising my beliefs of a "happy start to a marriage?"

See above, regarding you loving him enough to sacrifice.

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I just want all of us to be happy or close to it without conflict,

Have you had conflict? Or do you see conflict coming? And why? (really only a question for you to answer for yourself)

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and I don't want him to feel like he has to choose his mother other me.

How so, when you have already told him that's the way its got to be?

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Hmmm, a double posting plethora.

I agreed with dadpad, back there, though also being an adult who likes control of my own space - though have shared successfully - I get the other side too. But maybe we have no argument there.

Will now go back and read IRheart and CJane.

And, by the way, welcome, IRheart.

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Here's the tough love: you two need your own home - without mom.

Don't let this woman blackmail you, emotionally. At 74 she should know that her son needs to have his own home, with his wife. Having said that, if she wants to stay in that building (home), then you two move into an apartment and start off your marriage there.

Mom should pay a little rent, too.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I have seen too many marriages wrecked by an elderly in-law in the house - especially the husband's mother!

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interracialheart wrote:

his parents purchased the home for him and his wife. As of 1 year ago, the everytihing was "changed over" to him. So he now does.

So the house really belonged to his parents. I'd echo Sully's suggestion that you and your husband-to-be consider getting an apartment of your own and letting his mother keep her home under some sort of lifetime tenancy agreement.

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I can see that, ehBeth. Cuts out some of the avarice quotient.

But maybe other problems will pop up, as she needs help.

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I have been trying to put myself in your situation and I can see, what you are saying...
I can see, you and your partner wanting to start YOUR OWN life.
His mother is 74 and may still be with you for another 20...

On the other hand, the thought that you could ask the mother to move out seems pretty shocking.
After all, somehow it is HER house if she has bought it and lived in it for the last 20 years.

You never comented if it would be possible to separate a flat for the mother within the house.
That sounds like one of the best suggestions so far.

I think my parents were in a similar situation when they got married.
My mother was living with her parents in her father's house.
My father moved in and my grandfather died shortly after.

My grandmother had her part of the house and my parents (later with us children) had their.
There were boundaries and they were respected from both sides.
We would all eat together, usually it was my mother cooking, sometimes my grandmother.
For us it really was an enrichment of our lives.

The question is: Even if you can separate a part of the house for your future mother-in-law, would she be able to accept your new role in the house.
So far she has done everything, so of course, it will be hard for her to accept, that somebody else will be rearranging the furniture, do the cooking and cleaning, etc. but hard does not mean impossible.

If you don't think this is going to work, I would suggest, you find a flat for the two of you and leave the house to the mother, while she is still able to care for herself.

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Hello-all sorry for late reponse different time zone etc... ok, I am going to try and recap some of your response/questions.

In reference to adding a "flat or some addition to the home, that's not possible because of zoning issues I believe. It's also a corner lot at an intercession. Not sure if he wants to sale because of the market....but would be open to purchasing a a new home with a MIL quarters if affordable.

Hopefully this can help clear up some things or help others to help us sort out some reasons why things are happening the way they are. My partners father died when he was 16. My partner has two other siblings, ages 54 and 52. He is 42. He married when his high school sweetheart when he was 21 and divorced at 23. (She inconsistanly held jobs and mother-in-law moved in). So "mom" has been in the home for ever, and there has been no support from any of the siblings...we'll the daughter has told mom "don't ever contact me again". And the son does visits. But it appears to me that everyone has adjusted to My partner being the one to take care of "mom". Which I find a blessing, and I am sure God is smiling down on him, but

My partner wanting to finally start a life should not be a crime. I do know that we are also trying to figure out how to save and merge together as a unit. Currently, we live separately and he wants to come together financially, and I have never done that before. So I am open to suggestions on how to do that in a relationship that is moving towards marriage with this othe situation as well.

Thank you

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