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Mon 24 Mar, 2008 09:10 am
I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year now. When we first started dating we had some great sex! She lived about 7 hours from me so part of it could have been from the, "I've been missing you" feeling since we were seeing each other about every other week.
After about 6 months she moved to where I live and the sex kind of stopped. She told me that she wants to wait until she is married to have sex. Keep in mind that she is 28 and I am 32 years old. I've talked to her many times about my want/need to have sex but it seems like she is determined to not have it until marriage. I told her when she initially told me this (about 5 months ago) that I would try to not have sex, but will need to do, "other things (e.g. foreplay, etc.)" to make up for it. I understand from a religious point of view not having sex. I am not going to try and persuade her if she does not want too have full intercourse.
The problem here is when we first met, she was having sex with me on a regular basis (even went on birth control), and then pulled the sex card after the fact. If she would have told me in the beginning when we first met that sex is something she wanted to wait for, why have it initially? I am very upset about this as I feel I was jaded. If she would have told me this upfront, I could have concisely made the decision to date her or leave without spending so much time and her moving to be near me. Sex is an important part of a relationship for me. Since I was married before (for 4 years) and I had a sexless marriage, I don't want to be in that predicament again.
Anyhow, she always hints talks of being married with me, basically making expectations about our future together. I really care about her and could see a marriage with her in the future, but based on the way things are going I don't want to repeat history thus leading to a second divorce. Thoughts?
I don't think this has anything to do with religion and everything to do with you proposing.
She wants you to propose hence the "no sex til marriage" deal. I can pretty much guarantee that if you were engaged, the sex would begin again.
Lose her! If she's into playing games, she's not mature enough to be
married. Regardless of her reasoning to withhold sex, to me it would be
an indication that this is a precursor for your future life with her.
Run, and run fast!!
It could well be that she is trying to force your hand where marriage is concerned. After all, she has demonstrated her commitment to the relationship by packing up and moving to be closer tol you. Maybe she believes that she deserves some demonstrable commitment from you in the form of a marriage proposal.
However, another thought I had could be in play here. Is she very religious? It could be that she has been feeling guilty because she has been having sex outside of marriage which goes against her faith/religious upbringing. So she has decided to repent from what she believes is sin and wait until marriage.
In either case, you are left with a decision. Do you love her enough to wait until marriage. If you say no, then quite frankly (in my opinion) you don't love her. You love the idea of sex with her. And that is a totally different thing.
CalamityJane wrote:Lose her! If she's into playing games, she's not mature enough to be
married. Regardless of her reasoning to withhold sex, to me it would be
an indication that this is a precursor for your future life with her.
Run, and run fast!!
This is my opinion as well.
If she's this manipulative
now, think of how she'll act once you reward the behavior....
First of all, the term is "playing" the sex card, not "pulling" ---
And that's exactly what she's doing , . . . . "playing" with you.
She's being a hypocrite about the whole thing. This is not an issue where people "back down" or go back to first base. If anything, you two should be revving up.
Somethings not right - I wonder if something is wrong with her physically. Does intercourse hurt for her. Have you both been tested for STD's, etc.? Is she afraid of getting pregnant?
You two need a real honest talk. Find out why she doesn't want to do something she enjoyed so much just a few months ago.
P.S. Getting married just to have sex is not a good thing. Ask about a million couples that got married in the 50's . . .
I take a slightly different view, I think that it is likely that she has a deep seeded sexual dysfunction. RUN!!
As if you needed another person to tell you, but it sounds to me as if she is trying to force you into something as well.
If you have not even proposed, why is she saying " not until marriage?"
Would you feel the same if she said ' NOt until you buy me a car?" What about if she were asking for a large sum of money? Or to get her a job?
What she is doing is not fair, mature, or acceptable.
She is telling you on no certain terms that you are onlyabout sex and that she thinks she can control you by simply saying ' no sex for you' As if your life only revolves around sex and that there is no one else in the WORLD who would give it to you..
To with hold sex is to manipulate someone in a very immature way. Dont let her do that.
Thanks everyone for the replies. To answer a few questions posted by some of you, she is religious, but not a fanatic. For example, she does not attend church every Sunday. She is a Christian (so am I) but never made the point in the beginning that she was trying to be a born again virgin until marriage.
I agree with a lot of your responses related to a marriage proposal. I've noticed a lot how she is watching bride shows and making small comments about future things (e.g. are we going to have a SUV, etc) between us.
I do love her and care about her a lot, but to me dating/being in a relationship is a preview of what marriage could/would be like. Do you agree? I know that everything will not be known before marrying someone.
I agree with your response SullyFish66 as I think that we should not be going "backwards" as it's starting to make me want to stop the relationship. I've talked with her about it (she basically was stating that she did not know how to answer, but knows how she feels about being true to her reasoning to no sex before marriage) and will most likely have one more talk about this issue, before I make a decision to move on.
Thanks a lot for the responses, I wanted to make sure that I was not thinking abnormal about this situation.
Your not over thinking this at all.
If you have to question something THIS important, chances are it is wrong.
And if her wanting to not have sex with you makes you want to question the relationship.. then it has a good chance of being wrong.
Good luck to ya
zanter wrote:
I agree with a lot of your responses related to a marriage proposal. I've noticed a lot how she is watching bride shows and making small comments about future things (e.g. are we going to have a SUV, etc) between us.
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OK, I change my vote then, I go with manipulation.
zanter wrote:
I do love her and care about her a lot, but to me dating/being in a relationship is a preview of what marriage could/would be like. Do you agree? I know that everything will not be known before marrying someone.
Sort of.
The courting male and the being courted female are way different from husband and wife. Only because the honeymoon is over, so to speak, and people let their hair down.
She won't completely change, if that's what your asking, but if there are little things about her the bug you now, I can promise you that they will soon become big things that make you insane. Unless you are willing to overlook those things and just let them be, and let her be as she is. It's tough to do sometimes but when we marry someone, we accept them for all of them, not just the good parts.
Have you asked her 'what's changed for you since you moved in with me, that you used to have sex with me, and you now don't want to have sex until you are married?"
The answer is probably something you will need to explore.
If she is withholding sex NOW, you can expect this to repeat itself in the future.
No sex until there's a house . . .
No sex until there's a new car . . .
No sex until there's new furniture . . .
Be VERY careful here.
You have one of two scenerios. Her decision is based upon a desire to live in a way God says is best (no sex outside of marriage) and she has decided that the earlier sex with you was wrong, or she is trying now to manipulate you into marriage by withholding sex.
In the first scenerio, you are telling her that you love her as long as she is putting out for you. But when she decides not to put out until the two of you are married, which as Christians (as you claim to be) is the proper way to go, then the love evaporates and you consider walking away. Seems you want this relationship to be all about what you want and not what she wants. Of course, you could decide that you do indeed love her and you love her enough to honor her decision to wait until marriage. If not, then run and run fast. She'll thank you for it one day.
In the second scenerio, if she is doing this to simply manipulate you into marriage, then she doesn't really love you. So then my advise is as follows. Run, and run away fast. You'll thank yourself for it one day.
CoastalRat wrote:In the first scenerio, you are telling her that you love her as long as she is putting out for you. But when she decides not to put out until the two of you are married, which as Christians (as you claim to be) is the proper way to go, then the love evaporates and you consider walking away. Seems you want this relationship to be all about what you want and not what she wants. Of course, you could decide that you do indeed love her and you love her enough to honor her decision to wait until marriage. If not, then run and run fast. She'll thank you for it one day.
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Short of a born again experience separating the time when she sexed him up and the time that she has shut down it does not seem that your argument works. The sin is already on her permanent record.
Well, the thing is I think she has a guilty feeling with some manipulation thrown in. She had sex before me and she told me that the next time she got into a serious relationship, she was going to not have sex until marriage. She told me this after 4 or so months of having sex w/ me. If she would have told me this upfront, then I would have known and could have made a decision to date her or not.
I am not trying to control the relationship via sex, that's why I agreed to, "try" and not have sex before marriage. I've tried now for about 6 or so months and its very difficult to do and continue down this path. I did see marriage potential before all this, but honestly its made me view things differently now. I personally believe that I've grown away, instead of getting closer to her after we stopped having sex.
I want that one person I can connect too both emotionally and physically and to me dating is the pre-req before marriage to determine if this person is the one for you.
I agree with SULLYFISH66 about withholding sex now being a repeat thing. I do NOT want to have someone playing the sex card on me in a dating or marriage relationship.
Based on the responses (both male and female) here I think the consensus is to run/get out of it. Like I said before, if she would have told me all this upfront, then things would be different. But to tell someone this after 4 or so months of sex, then something is not right. I feel jaded...
Zanter--
You have my sympathy. Choices are difficult.
I would like to point out that "jaded" means "world weary", "numbed by experience", "a bit bored with it all".
It does not mean "used".
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