Not all the time , but most of the time drinking has to do with bottle up emotions. Or something left behind. Your mother might be suffering and not just by drinking. You should always try your best to care for someone you love no matter what they are doing.
You must have enough strength to stop them at the same times as heal them. Your mother might be feeling something much deeper then the effects of alchol. Something that need special time between you and your mother.
Talk to her try to understand how she feels.
My mom and step dad were alcoholics for my entire childhood. As the only child I saw it as my responsibility to look after my mother when she was heavily drinking. I'd beg her to not to drive, to leave the absusive relationship she had with my step dad and generally look after her to make sure she was eating properly and got medical care.
When I turned 21 I moved to AZ and she followed me out here shortly thereafter. I had thought that since she was away from my step-father she would be able to quit so she came to live with me in my apartment This turned out to be some of the most trying times in my life
She would begin the day with sipping vodka straight out of the bottle on a Saturday morning and it would continue throughout the weekend until she was so blitzed she would pass out. When she woke up it would start all over again. Needless to say it was not a very healthy environment for either of us. No matter how hard I tried to get her to stop, the more determined she became to continue. She would call me all sorts of nasty names, flirt with my boyfriends and other such drunken activities. I don't think she ever realized how bad she was because most times she didn't remember anything. It wasn't until she passed out in the bathroom one day and split her head wide open that I called family to come and help me with her. We took her to the hospital emergency room and FINALLY some how my aunt got her to realize what a problem she had and was admitted into a 60 day rehab program. When she was finished with the program my mother went to live with my infirmed grandparents (who don't drink at all). Thankfully the enviornment she was in at that point allowed her to quit drinking altogether. It has been over 15 years now and she is still not drinking. Yay!
A couple of years ago my mother and I were shopping and she opened up out of the blue to talk about her past drinking and she apologized for all the years of heartache she had put me through.
I guess what I 'm trying to say by giving this whole story, is that I understand completely what you are going through Mushy. Time will heal the wounds and fade the memories but your mother may take quite a bit longer than you think to work through why she drank in the first place. Try not to force it, it will come when she is ready and if it doesn't at least you have the opportunity to spend time with her now.
My mother currently has many health problems related to years of drinking...I can only hope that she takes better care of herself now....
Thank you for sharing that with me, MagicBlackCat. *hug*
That helps me.
My heart skipped a beat reading how your mom opened up to you years down the line, out of the blue, and actually APOLOGIZED. Wow. I can completely feel how emotional that must have been for you. How sweet and painful at the same time.
It's ok for me. Of course there is a part of me that would be so pleased and would cry my little eyes out if that ever were to happen.
But with some years apart from mum, and a lot of different things including the work I've done for myself and recent events....it's ok whatever happens now.
I'm finally back in tune with myself, and can look after myself. I remember the love for mom that was hidden under all the pain for so long. And that it is hers to choose, her life.
It means a lot to hear from people who understand though. A whole lot.
thanks .
You're welcome!
The funny thing about it all is that when my mom finally opened up about it all, I pretty much already worked through the issues so that it was sort of anticlimatic really. I don't have any bothers or sisters so I had to be quite independent as I grew up. What made the most difference in my life was working as a nanny for a family that had the right values so that I could see what a normal loving home environment was like. It was so very rewarding to have the unconditional love of the children and be able to provide them with fun and love as they grew up, something which I rarely got to do with my mom.
I am so happy your mom is coming around!
Your comment about "it's ok whatever happen now" is the best way to think. You're on your way to healing through some of the pain. *hugs* and good luck to you. Keep me posted on how things are going!
Well, mom got taken into the hospital again. AGAIN I had no clue until she got home.
I have a cell phone - no one calls! Fuk. That hurts like hell. Just fing call me please, like I asked people.
She lives an hour away from me so it's not like it is THAT far to zoom in but obviously I can't be there every day, every minute.
Or should I be? With her ill?
I've got work, a life, friends, a bf. Tonnes on my plate already. No, no, I won't feel guilty on top of it!
Anyone could call, and she could return my calls ...couldn't she?!
It's not another stroke, or related to her stroke (they don't say) thank god.
But it's something I've gotten vague details about concerning her lungs, and a "virus" and inflammation of the sac surrounding her lung. ?
What is it? Why won't anyone tell me?
Yeah, this has me very upset. Is it weird that I only feel comfortable telling how upset I am here...with everyone else, my voice goes all flat and it's hard to get it out.
Bf , friends understand and at least know me enough to wait for me to spill, and they are great.
It's just that I'm so terrified I can't even let myself totally feel all this all the time.
What if it's lung cancer, too? Or something equally as bad?
All I know is she is in a lot of pain, and I'm worried about her, and she will let me call to "check up" but nothing more.
She's blocking me out. That hurts. I love her! I want to be there for her. I want to show her. I want to help her. I want her to let me.
I've been walking around for all these years feeling half dead inside and now that it's been brought back to life - it fuking sucks. It sucks to hurt. Now I remember why I put those walls up in the first place.
God, this is so childish. I just don't want to lose her. And I want her to not have to suffer, be in pain.
Why can't I be strong now. I feel very weak. An emotional retard.
MP--
First I dealt with my father, then my mother, now my husband.
Some people have a need to be in control. When serious illness strikes, they feel weak and helpless. They can't change the illness, but they can choose those people they will notify.
"I didn't want to worry you," is the "excuse". No matter how many times I explained to my parents that I'd like to be worried, they insisted on "protecting" me from bad news.
Mr. Noddy is doing the same thing with his kids.
You're being shut out because your mother is a bit of a Control Freak--and you feel it deeply and painfully because you're also a bit of a Control Freak.
Hold your dominion--and make a few rules about your behavior when you reach your mother's age.
I know things are hard right now, it may be a good time to remember all those good things you've done in your life and focus on providing support to those around you. Be sure to let your mom know you are there for her if she needs anything. She may not take you up on it but it can help to ensure the communication lines remain open...
*hugs and support*
Thank you. Thanks so much for taking some time for that. Means a lot.
I'm taking your advice to heart. I think it's dead on.
It's so strange you mentioned what you did, Noddy. Lately it's dawned on me how much like my mom I am in those things that have never quite sit right with me.
Addictive behaviors, wanting to control, shutting people out when it suits me and to deal.
The only thing I can do now is to resolve to face that and to do better. It's up to me to be who I'm going to be.
Love my mom but don't want to carry her burdens anymore.
Came across this, it struck such a deep chord with me at this time in my life
"I was supposed to become her, if I had turned out according to plan.
I was trained to repeat her life, daughter becoming wife becoming mother.
I carry her fears and limitations in weights around my wrists and ankles.
My body was molded first by her own body and then by the words she wrapped around my feelings. "
The mother I carry
Gotta give myself credit sometimes for even turning out as good as I have.
They are major accomplishments that I am even alive, haven't got addicted to any heavy drugs nor an alcoholic, can support myself and have a job, and didn't become a mother before I was ready to raise a child as they truly deserve.
MP--
Give yourself lots of credit. You've earned it.
I'm updating, mostly for myself. A lot has happened in a short amount of time here.
Firstly, we had a really nice mother's day though we didn't celebrate on mother's day. A gathering, and mom and I did a bit of shopping together just us two.
Secondly, and this has mostly to do with me, a few weeks ago I celebrated with a few of the closest to me that my therapy is officially ended. The time with my psychiatrist. That was over a year of some pretty intense therapy, tapering off and now it is goodbye. It felt like an achievement. I did what I had set out to do, and am happy with it.
There was a wedding in the family, and I didn't end up going as I had this sense that family drama would go down. In the past, I would have went anyways. And put up with it, the drunkeness and fighting and dysfunction. Just because it's family and that's what we do - show up no matter what.
Then, I'd be sick with feelings and after crap and it would weight me down.
So that in itself was an accomplishment. Drama did go down. Amongst other things, such as family members fighting right into physical, and drunkeness and this person that had abused me in the past showing up, amongst all that too mom got very drunk and got very sick bc of it. Her medication and all means she is not to be drinking if she wants to stay well, it has bad effect.
So I heard about it all afterwards and had a night there of being very upset, panicked, old anxiety attack and feeling paralyzed and totally horrible. It was horrible. But something got resolved that day too. I took the night off work and dealt with it.
I resolved to not get involved, to work through my feelings, and let her do her thing. Let all of them do their thing. That it is not going to impact my life anymore.
So that was that. And it has stuck on a whole new level. That it doesn't have to do with me at all. unless I allow it to.
The biggest thing is that it has dawned on me how much of this is really due to missing my father, and how much that affected my life.
I've been very angry for a very long time, and a lot of that got dumped on my mom when I was growing up and even as an adult.
Yes, she has some serious problems and she has her things to work through if and when she wants. Yes, she made a whole lot of mistakes.
But this mother's day I was able to give her finally the gift of looking at her as herself and to be a grown woman before her. Not just physically but emotionally too now.
I made my mistakes, and rarely cut her a break in all those years she was forced to be a single mother.
She had more to deal with than most people will ever know, and she did her best.
My childhood was wonderful and my memories of that time are of feeling loved, cared for, and being someone important. I always knew that my parents wanted me. They took time for us. I knew our family was the number one priority growing up for them and that has never left me. It means so much to me.
So basically what was obvious to those who know me is becoming real to me. Of how hard it has been for me to accept how hard life got after dad passed away. Of how much I've missed him and been angry about not having him in my life. Of all the things that happened after he was gone. It was like night and day. Everything changed, and I changed, and lost myself too.
So I'm writing this mostly for myself bc this is the time when i can finally lay to rest all that anger, and am finding acceptance. That it took so long makes me sad, but I know too that it probably couldn't be much any other way. There was a lot I've had to do in the meantime, and I'm pretty proud of who I've become despite it all.
So now is my time to enjoy it, and enjoy the people who are here to share it with and to share their lives with me.
It's a rather good year for me. A good life up yet ahead.
Be very proud of you MP. You have taken huge steps and they have not been easy ones. Keep going forward and stay focused. It's not easy - but you will do it and there are people who can help you too along the way.
You should be very proud at what you have achieved. Well done. Keep strong
MushyPeas, that was an amazing post by an amazing woman.
Truly.
I'm in awe of what you've been able to do.
I chime in here and congratulate you, mushy. You've come a long way,
babe. I especially liked reading this passage
Quote:But this mother's day I was able to give her finally the gift of looking at her as herself and to be a grown woman before her. Not just physically but emotionally too now.
I made my mistakes, and rarely cut her a break in all those years she was forced to be a single mother.
She had more to deal with than most people will ever know, and she did her best.
MP--
You have become a formidable woman--and formidable women are made, not born.
Congratulations. You're a survivor.
Keep holding.
Thank you.
Today I'm 29. This is the first birthday I've been happy about in a long time.
It feels so good to be able to enjoy it.
And mom called this morning to wish me a good one. That's another thing she is good at - remembering and calling on birthdays.
OH MP - VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY
Happy Birthday, Mushy. I'm glad you've gotten to where you are on this birthday. You're quite advanced in working a lot of this out. Not all women have big troubles with their mothers but it's not unusual, even without the addictive behavior difficulty. I commend you for your reach, and your success at getting to your sense of self.
MP--
Happy Birthday and Happy Future Days.
