Me and my Mom

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Maybe some of you will remember how my mom and I have had a umm rocky relationship. Mostly due to her drinking, and my ways of dealing with her drinking.
Things were on a mend of sorts. Slowly have been letting her more into my life, keeping in more consistent contact, and being involved in hers.
Recently, last month, my mom had a stroke.

There was a small amount of fighting between us because of how it was all handled, her resistance to taking it seriously, amongst other things that mostly had to do with me. Basically was scared shitless of losing her and a whole bunch of resentment came to the surface too.

In the last few weeks, she's been trying very hard. At my hard insistence that she arrange with her regular doc for a follow up and to get the proper tests done, get a proper nutrional and exercise plan, learn all she can to prevent something more severe, she finally did go after some bucking and prolonging.

So she has done a lot. The stroke was a mild one and since she received care very quickly, it has left no long term damage as far as we know yet. Still waiting for some of her test results. One of the big ones being the scan of her brain.

I am really worried about that one. Talked here before about my concern for my mom's brain after so much heavy drinking. So this will tell us what is what.

This has been pretty much one of my worst fears come true. That the drinking and her not taking very good care of herself over the years would result in a stroke, or worse.
I am so grateful it is not worse than it is, and that she is still here.

Not sure exactly what I am looking for here. Mostly needed to share. I've always worried about her to excess, as most people who have had a hard drinking parent have. Now the worry is of a different kind.

She really is trying. I have this weird mixture in me all the time of being afraid for her and at the same time very proud. She seems to be taking it seriously now. She seems to try to listen to me too now.

thanks. Has anyone gone through something similar or simply have any comments? My mom is still young, only 50. I just want a long healthy life for her and the opportunity for us to have the sort of relationship we deserved to have together all along. Half of that is her, the other half is me changing too.

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Wow, that's a lot to be dealing with. I can only imagine how strong of a person you must be. As far as the CT scan goes, some time must pass between the stroke event and the scan to truely show what damage the stroke did. Fresh stroke doesn't show on a scan. A PET scan would show more information regarding the long term effects of the drinking I believe.

I work with a lady who's father was verbally abusive and overall a not so nice person. His stroke affected his personality in a positive way. She renewed her friendship with her father after his stroke as he became a more reasonable person.

I wish you and your mother the best.

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mushypancakes- The problem with situations like these is that the onlooker is often frustrated, and helpless to assist the person who is going off the deep end.

It is good that you are encouraging you mom to take steps that will maximize her health potential. This is, that is all that you can do. It is not your responsibility to follow her around doggedly. She is an adult, and many adults resent being told what to do.

So be there for her. Offer advice when appropriate, but be careful about becoming too involved in her own, personal drama. That will not do you any good, and may strain your relationship with your mother.

Right now you are on a tightrope. It is very important to maintain the balance between being helpful, and becoming too intrusive.

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marty, thanks for the medical info about the scan. Ok, so that is why they have been waiting!
It is a CAT scan (she had one the night of the stroke, and on last week).
No PET scan as far I know.

Phoenix,
Right now you are on a tightrope. It is very important to maintain the balance between being helpful, and becoming too intrusive.

That's exactly it. And I know I can tend to the intrusive, aggressive side so I need to be really careful about that.

Sometimes even asking questions I get the feeling she doesn't really want to answer. Maybe that's ok, and I just need to back off. Back off more often than push forward.

Most of it is coming from fear. This feels like a second chance. Maybe I am getting my hopes up way too much.

Guess there is a part of me that still wants so badly to have that special relationship with mom.

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I think that it is important to accept that the relationship you want with your mother might never happen. My dad died at 46, his entire adult life having been consumed by anger, and we never got our relationship anywhere near right. The last two years he tried though, and that brings me a lot of comfort. He cared enough about me and his relationship with me to try.

With difficult relationships we keep hoping and we keep trying, because after all, what else are we going to do?? As with everything else in life the secret is in the balance.....keep hoping, but not too much.

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One more thing I want to tell you about the CT scan(I'm an x-ray tech and worked many years in CT) The scan the day of the event is to see if the neurological changes were from a hemmorhage, since that has been ruled out, the next thing is to do a follow up scan to see where the damaged tissue is.

Can I ask if your mother is a smoker or diabetic? If so, vascular disease could cause plaque to build up in the carotid artery, restricting blood flow to the brain. This is a possible cause for stroke. Also, an arrythmia could cause a small blood clot to dislodge to the brain.

This is just a little information for you to have so the answers the doctors give you may make a little more sense.

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hawkeye, that's good sense.
My brain knows that but sometimes my heart isn't listening. I have a feeling you'll understand that.

marty, I do appreciate that perspective. Yes, my mom has smoked since she was a teen. And her eating habits, bleh. Most anything you can do to increase your risk, she's done.

This week she began an attempt to stop the cigs. She was put on blood thinners, and so far they have told her that her cholesterol is a problem too. So she is now on medication for that as well.

Once her results come back from the scan, would it be alright if I possibly ask you for clarification on it? And what it means? Mom isn't comfortable with me being there - she has refused - and so what I have to go off of is what she chooses to tell me and what research I do myself.

thank you. It helps me to know what is what, that is more how I personally operate. Mom prefers to know as little as possible, which is another area we sometimes have some butting heads over.

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mushypancakes wrote:

Guess there is a part of me that still wants so badly to have that special relationship with mom.

It is never too late for that, mushy. Having a close relationship with your
mother is so rewarding and satisfying. Perhaps you both can work together through the hard times you've had in the past and come to understand
each other better.

I always have had a great understanding with my mother, we are very
close, despite the distance. My mother has a heart condition and I do live
in this fear that it will get worse over time, so I do understand your anxiety
over your mother's health perfectly.

My mother also keeps a lot of her health problems to herself, since she
doesn't want to worry anyone, it is just a typical motherly trait I guess, as I would do the same with my daughter.

So be patient with her, mushy, and I hope you'll be able to leave the past behind and start fresh over with your mother. We don't get too many chances to do so, and mothers are important to our lives, they truly are!

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CJ, that post brought tears to my eyes.

I'm going to do my best. It's been too many years looking backwards. I'm trying my hardest to simply live with what is now.

Thanks for the hopeful reply.

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I sure hope so for you, mushy. It will give you inner peace, and a greater
understanding of your mother. You still have many, many years ahead
of you.

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Have you ever considered going to Alanon, Mushy?

People who love other people who do self-destructive things (like drinking) meet and just talk. They share how they get thru life living with a loved one who has addiction problems.

While I know you are very concerned about your mom, it seems that she has been addicted to some life threatening substances, and is now facing some health consequences. She has some work to do about her own health. You need to let her work all this out.

Please consider going to at least 3 meetings.

Alanon saved my life. Both of my parents were alcoholics, my brother is active alcoholic, and of course, I married one.(first husband) I put my son, one of my three children, into treatment when he was 16. My 40 year old daughter is an abuser and dates an alcoholic. So this has all affected me greatly.

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Sullyfish,

I wanted you to know that I appreciated your post.

It has got me thinking. Yes, I know about Al-Anon. I've 'flirted' with it.

Since reading your post it's been twisting around in my head. Just thinking that hmm maybe 3 meetings ? what's the risk there. What's the worst that can happen?
Nothing really. At the worst I'll get nothing out of it.

At the most, maybe some real support and a chance to talk about this more.

People are getting bored hearing me talk about it. And I'm getting bored carrying it around.

Even now, I'm tempted to rant about how I feel about some of the things my mum is doing, and what she has done, and how I feel about it.

And it always comes back to "It's not fair. This is her problem. Why should I have to do anything different? Change? Anything? "

and it's that bit of me yet that is still on the one hand overly responsible and concerned for everyone else's welfare, and on the other hand is my secret ace in the sleeve excuse for refusing responsibility myself at times.

thanks. Suggestion much appreciated.

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I don't know how al-anon is, never been there. If they are any good they will teach you that being connected to a troubled person will mean that their troubles effect you. We can not have a relationship with a troubled person that is not this way because relationship demands honestly and a pushing/pulling/ and supporting. The only way you can have a normal relationship with such a person is for the relationship to be fake, which would not be good for anyone. Staying connected to a troubled person in any substantial sense will mean that we need to change in ways that we may not want to, it is not fair, but such is our choice....stay anyways, or drop the relationship.

The trick is to have limits to how close you can be, thus how much of the turmoil and changing of yourself you are willing to deal with. It is critical that you decide these limits with full knowledge of what your choices are, that you feel good about where you draw the line, and that you stick to the line.

I generally have a bad attitude about programs that attempt to support loved ones of soul injured people. Many have told me that they are told that they must come first, that they must allow the relationship with the troubled person to become a lower energy relationship or even drop it all together. I think that there is enough up side to sticking with such relationships to make continuing them and even investing in them a valid way to go. We must learn to do it better, without losing ourselves, and this is possible. We must learn very well who we are, and what we are willing to do and not do, even as we bend in order to stay in a difficult relationship.

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MP--

Your mother's stroke is an opportunity for change. Can you accept her if she doesn't change? Or worse, changes and then backslides?

Remember, "forgetting" is much harder than "forgiving". The past is not only prolog, but bedrock to the present.

I think AlAnon might be very helpful--but don't be surprised to find that you are one of the most integrated people at the meeting.

Hold your dominion. Your serenity is worth fighting for.

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I've been invited to the usual Easter feast and gathering that my mum puts on. It'll be the extended family that can make it, some family friends, whoever wants to stop by for this tradition.

Traditionally, there would be a whole lot of wine and bottles at these family get togethers.

Traditionally, mum would start in with a "refresher" beer early in the afternoon when she is starting the cooking, and keep going until the last person is gone or asleep.

This year I'm told will be a bit different. Mum has said she has limited her intake to a glass of wine with dinner, and not every night.

We'll see. I'm nervous about this one. I'll also be meeting her new bf for the first time.
I'll be going in solo myself.

The topic of when the family gets to see and meet the special people in my life is one she's been pushing lately too. I told her he is busy. That's partially true, and it's also partially true that we discussed it and I have a lot of discomfort about bringing him into this situation right now.

Stress and happiness to see the family. So we'll see.

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MP--

How was the family dinner? And your mother at the family dinner?

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Noddy,

thanks so much for asking!

I'm happy to report that it was great.

The meal was fabulous. Mum and I got along very good. She was true to her word, though I wasn't watching her all night, she was sober through out.

I can't tell you how much of a relief and how nice it was that even when I was calling after getting back home to let her know I made home ok, she was lucid and clear and we got to actually chat a bit with each other about the day!!

I got a proper chance to thank her for her beautiful meal, and tell her how much I liked her new beau, and to end with "I love you" s back and forth.

Geez, even getting a bit teary writing about it and remembering. It was a special day. Meant a whole lot to me.

Her new beau seemed very nice, he was polite and showed a great deal of respect, and I'm glad for mum on that.

Got to see some of my favorite aunts, and got lots of hugs and laughs, and that was great.

A very happy easter for me.

Hope yours is a good one too, dear Noddy.

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MP--

Yesterday one of my better stepsons came up and took some large branches off the roof of the house. No shingle damage! Happy Easter.

Your Easter sounds ideal--the sort of family holiday you've been wishing for over many, many years. Good for you--you've earned it.

Hold your dominion.

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Able hands for the holidays are very much appreciated in my neck of the woods.
I'm glad you had a nice one, with family.

If this is as much as I ever get now, the truth is it would be enough.

But I've become more optimistic this last year. Smile

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I'm glad you had such a good time, mushy. You see, it's never too late
to forgive, and in time you might forget too. Having her daughter, and
a considerate man in her life, might be a turning point for your mother,
especially since you didn't turn your back on her and left the door open
for communications. It will do you both good!

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Me and my Mom

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