abusive husband

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I have been married for 10 years. We have 3 Beautiful children. when we got married my husband told me i don't need to work just raise my family and live with his family I said OK because I am from Pakistan and that is the culture. His mom hated me and never helped me with our children, i accepted that although I was cooking and cleaning for them. During this time my husband was supportive of me going back to college and finishing my degree which i did with 2 kids. We planed to have the third child and as soon as i got pregnant my husband's business flopped and we were in financial distress. He started playing games on line and played for 12-16 hours a day. we started to get into arguments and then one day he hit me. I was 8 months pregnant with the 3rd one. i stayed thinking what am i gonna do with 3 kids on my own. After that he hit me 2 other times just little smack on the back of my head. i finally decided to leave because him and his parents were all getting unbearable. Stayed away for 6 months and got the custody for my kids which he didn't even fight for just signed the papers.
He promised to start working and get help so on the promise i came back into our own apartment away from his family. thank God. Good 6 months passed and he finally started to go every day to start his own business. Since 2008 started he has hit me 2 times already once in our room once in the car i was driving. he hit me on the back of my head.
We have 3 kids still no money coming in and he wants to take his time.
I want to leave him sooo bad but i can see my son 9 years old who will be crushed and my 7 year old daughter will cry to sleep every night. he is their father and they know he is a bum but still love him to the end. They have told me many time that they don't want broken family but a family that is together.
He hit me today as well. I told him that i don't expect to come home today...
His father is loaded and he is waiting for his dad to share his wealth with him so he is kissing his dad's ass i don't agree with that.
I have nothing under my name. not even $50.
we are living in his father's house now ....
what do i do????
I am confused???
who do i tell??
I use to talk to my parents and sis in laws about every thing but when i was coming back with him they told me to careful and hey are so loving i can't bare to hurt them any more. My mom and dad won't be able to take the "Me getting abuse". it will crush them.... My brothers have told me to move out .. How do i break the ties with the only man i have ever known and loved????

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I understand you are originally from Pakistan, but what country are you living in now?

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living
Now I am in NYC. Brooklyn to be exact

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Mamaof3, You are not alone. Some of the best help and support for abused women is located in NYC/Brooklyn region. It is free or low cost. I think you need to make an appointment to see a counselor in order to decide what is best for you. Here is where you should start, just click on the blue titles:

The Brooklyn Bar Association
Legal Help for Abused Women
Hotline number: 718 624 3894

Woman's Law
Battered Women's Legal Helpline to help women obtain orders of protection, support, information and referrals.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or
(TTY) 1-800-787-3224

These organizations are very discreet, they understand that you are afraid of what could be happen if your husband finds out you are looking for help. They understand that this is an embarrassing dilemma for you. I really hope you will talk to these professionals. I think it could be the start of a new life for you and your children. Remember this is not the Middle East, as a woman in America you have the same legal rights as a man.

Feel free to return to this forum for moral support. You will find there are other women here who have been exactly where you stand today.

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What are your children seeing?

Dad hitting Mom. Dad not working.

Mom taking it. Mom making excuses for Dad.

Your children must be taught that people do not hit each other to solve problems.

You must teach your children that unless your husband can have a discussion with you about all the stresses in your lives (no work, no money, no relationship) he has lost the right to be with you.

Would you allow your children to be beat up by others? You would call that person "Bully". You would not allow your children to be around that person.

Your husband is a bully.

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Hey Mamaof3 ..... I'm going to pm you some information. I would post it here but it's not something I would want to be on a public forum but it is something that has helped me and something for you to be aware of and I think most shelters will be able to help you with it.

You won't be able to answer my pm because you have so many posts before you are allowed on this forum. But that's ok. But if you like I can give you my phone number if you have any questions.

Please check your forum pm's when you log on. I have my email addy in there too.

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Mammaof3--

Brooke knows whereof she speaks.

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decissions....decissions
wanted to thank every one for posting their opinions. i really appreciate it.
I am numb now. very day that goes by i feel like what am i gonna do by my self with 3 children. So i stay another day... then another day.
I know i have to break this cycle... I talked to one of my other friends, being she is from the same culture she told me to work and even then nothing gets better then at least i would have some money and experience to have th courage to decide on something.
That's where i am at... I just pray that God gives me the courage to go through this process.
In the paki community if you are divorced it is all your fault and no one will even want their kids to be friends with yours....I have a lot to think about...
thanks to all it makes me feel like that i can talk to sone one even though i have never met them

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Mamaof3--

We'll be here. Check in when you feel like talking.

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My heart goes out to you!

You got some good advice already here, I just have one:

Take it!

You will never know how strong you are, until you try!
You are NOT doing your children a favour by staying.
When will your husband start hitting them too?
Do you really want to stay long enough to find out?

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excuses
I know i am still in that stage that i am making excuses for him that he never hit me in front of the kids. they know mom and dad are fighting but never in front of them. I just keep hopping that may be things will trun arounf.
First 6 years of our marriage every thing was fine between us. his family not so much but we were okay. Since he stopped working and we have financial problems it just seems to get out of control really fast.
My son who is 9 years old tells me every time he kisses me that he loves me but the next line would be that he loves his dad too.

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mamaof3

It is normal for your children to love their father as long as he treats them OK. You have to do what is best for you and your children.
You don't want your children to grow up thinking abuse is Ok.
I grew up in an abusive family and have wished a million times that my mother had divorced my father. We children are suffering today because he was so abusive. I have to say he was more mean to my mother that he was to us children.

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PLEASE THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN'S SAFETY!

STOP DREAMING, START ACTING!!!

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Mamaof3--

I'm with Bohne.

He didn't hit you for six years.

Now he hits you regularly when he's angry and frustrated.

You deserve more than being a punching bag for a immature man.

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Mamaof3 - I am not of your culture but I think that in cases like this you need to forget your culture. Not only are you at risk from being hurt by him (physically) but you are teaching your children that this is normal behaviour, and it is NOT.

I believe it's better for kids to be with one happy parent than two unhappy, dysfunctional ones.

You have resources here that people sent you. I would immediately leave and go on welfare if necessary. I really would - anything rather than staying with an abusive and uncaring partner. That is not healthy for any of you, including your husband.

Good luck, stay strong.

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being coward
i am being coward for prolonging the situation but i have no where to go. I have been out of work for 10 years and just had my first interview yesterday and hoping to hear from them again. this is my last attempts to make things right.
As i understood from every one that kids do feel the impact of this situation. How can i make it easier on them and make them strong.

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Re: being coward

mamaof3 wrote:

i am being coward for prolonging the situation but i have no where to go. I have been out of work for 10 years and just had my first interview yesterday and hoping to hear from them again. this is my last attempts to make things right.
As i understood from every one that kids do feel the impact of this situation. How can i make it easier on them and make them strong.

You can help your children by being an example of a strong, independent woman who takes control of her life and does not let a man treat her like dirt. If you contact the agencies I listed, they will find you a place to live and help you find a job. Many women they work with have no money and no education. Some of the women they help cannot even speak or read English.
You are obviously intelligent, you have great possibilities.

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Re: being coward
[quote="mamaof3"]This is my last attempts to make things right.
[/quote]

Giving up is a bad example to your children!
Accepting a bad situation is a bad example to your children!

Why is this your last attempt?
This should be the beginning!!!

If this does not work out, will you just sit back and suffer, and even worse, subject your children to this situation?

This is YOUR LIFE!
YOU have to take it into YOUR HANDS!

And start TODAY, not tomorrow!

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Mamaof3--

I'm with Bohne.

The only way your world will change is if you take steps to change it.

Women may not control bad marriages, but they can control happy endings.

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today's another day
I am so happy that when I get time I can get encouragement by reading your responses. It helps me to think that there is a world out of here. I am an honest person and I realize that I am not afraid of leaving but I am afraid of the responsibility that I will have with my kids. If Ii go to a shelter and any of my kids boy or girls gets a target for the some predator i would never forgive my self. My be the thought process needs to take a break.
Kids love him and they are afraid of mama and dad splitting up and not being in the same house. I don't want them to feel insecure. I am talking to them and working with their teachers who know some of the family situation but not whole. Expect this blog no one knows the truth.
Last Thursday we had a fight again but it was about money and we ended before it escalated to the next level. But he mentioned that If I left him he will burn my parents house because he has access to the oil. "Cause he thinks if i left it will be to my parents house.
I think i am writing this to get things off my heart. feels better afterwards.

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abusive husband

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