Morals of Obligation

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As some of you know, my mothers health has been a roller coaster ride from hell. We started with her seizures to "it's a tumor" to "it's not a tumor" to "ok it really is a tumor" to "it's very small" to "it's doubled in size" to doing brain surgery to "we won't need to do chemo" to "we will have to do chemo". She's lost some of her memory and needs to start over in some areas. Her homework assignments are to look at cartoon pictures of a tree or a chair and write what they are. She came home from surgery and didn't know who anyone was. She just stares at walls all day trying to remember things. She's on so many pills we should start our own pharmacy. She went through a bit of a self-medicating phase where we could no longer keep pills or alcohol around because she would attempt to down the bottle if no one was watching.

As for my part, I have agreed to stay on to help in any way I can. I have put off my career, any job that comes my way, and my life so that I can be with her. Before the surgery I drove her everywhere and helped her do all the errands. I help to clean the house, I feed the animals and clean out the litter box and pick up the dog poop when I can. I also do all the shopping for everyone. I have been here since October and I have no idea how long I still have here. Since I am not allowed to work or to even search for work, my dad has been paying my bills for me.

And you know what? I don't need any recognition. I don't need a pat on the back or even a "thank you". I don't need someone to acknowledge what I do around here because that isn't what is important to me. My mom getting better and making everyones life a little easier is what is important to me. The fact that I get no recognition around here doesn't bother me in the least, what does bother me is someone who sees what I do and proceeds to pack on the requests of me by implying that I don't do anything around here.

I'm not an idiot. I above all completely understand the sacrifices my dad is making on a daily basis to help get my mom better. I understand the stress he is dealing with every day. I see him struggle over having to go to work but being the only one able to help her extreme needs because my mom doesn't trust anyone else because she doesn't really know us yet. My dad is with her all the time and the rest of the time is split up between me and my extended family. I know what stress does to people and I know what happens when they take it out on other people. There is a time when you accept the harsh words from them because you know what they are dealing with, and then there is too far.

For the past two months the only time my dad ever talks to my brother or I is when he is barking orders or giving out chores. That's all he does all day long. I get phone calls everyday from him barking out more orders. I do them because I want to help. But I mean, his barking is relentless. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is or where you are, he will hunt you down and find you. I was in the spa the other night. The first time in months. It took me two and a half hours to heat it. My parents were gone to UCLA all day long so it was kind of like a day off for me. I finally get in the spa and 20 minutes later my parents walk through the door. The first thing my dad does when he walks in the house is find me. He finds me in the spa and the first words out of his mouth is why didn't I notice that there were five cups in the sink and wash them? Then he asked me why I didn't notice the three pieces of dog poop he walked by to get to me. In the five minute conversation we had he had already asked me twice when I was planning on getting out. I had only been in 20 minutes and it took me hours to heat it, so I got out.

All he wants to talk about is my mom or chores. All he wants to say to me is what he needs from me. You can't ask the man even the simplist of questions because somehow he thinks you are challenging him. He tried to start a fight with me yet again this morning. He told me I need to give my mom a certain pill if I see her having a seizure. For those of you that don't know, having a seizure doesn't mean you start shaking. The shaking means the seizure has already passed. You have to catch the seizure WAY before the shaking even occurs. The only way to know for sure is for my mom to say "I think I am having a seizure" or if she stops talking altogether. Since my mom doesn't say much anymore after the surgery making it hard for her to tell me she is experiencing a seizure, I asked him what symptoms I should look out for. Somehow me asking that question set him off and then he starts accusing me of wanting 100% of everything from everyone when they don't know the answer or wanting things 100% my way all the time. I tried to explain to him that he is around her all the time and knows when things are normal or not with her so I figured he could give me some helpful hints on what to look out for...but all he wanted to do was bitch at me some more and act like I am attacking him. I throw up my hands and say "Jesus Christ, Dad! I'm only trying to help here!" But all he does is bitch some more.

What I need to know is not what I should do, because I know what I should do. I should stand up to him and tell him to back off and remind him that he needs me and not to treat me or my brother the way he has been. I've been around my father long enough to know that won't work. And I am not willing to walk out on my mother or the rest of my family because I don't get along with my dad. What I need to know is how to control my emotions. He makes me SO ANGRY. And please don't suggest anger management because being angry at someone when they push you too far and being mad all the time are completely different. My dad is the only one that knows the exact combinations of buttons to press to piss me off. People have gone years trying to push my buttons and only being able to accomplish getting the silent treatment out of me. I need help controlling my anger when he is deliberately trying to get to me. Please help.

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You are pretty well stuck...you know what you need to do for you (stand -up to dad) but you won't. You could defuse the situation by leaving and letting your parents make other arrangements for the work you do, but you won't do that either.

How old are you? at some point you plan to demand to be treated like an adult, right?

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hawkeye10 wrote:

You are pretty well stuck...you know what you need to do for you (stand -up to dad) but you won't. You could defuse the situation by leaving and letting your parents make other arrangements for the work you do, but you won't do that either.

How old are you? at some point you plan to demand to be treated like an adult, right?

You say "I won't" like I refuse. I don't refuse to stand up to my dad. I don't do it because I know nothing but more pain will come out of it. I know my dad very well. You can't tell him things like "I feel this way" or try and let him see your point of view. There is no point of view beyond my dads. There are no feelings other than my dads because he won't let there be. Me standing up to him will only make things worse, I know because I have tried over and over again.

Do you really think I will be able to get away scott free and let someone else take over my job? Just leave all my responsibilities behind for someone else to deal with so that I can go on while everyone else stays behind to help? My family will never look at me the same way again. They will see me leaving as a selfish act and think me a coward. People have come all over for miles to pitch in and help. My grandmother is here almost everyday helping. Her sister drives down almost a hundred miles to help and she has a business to run. Everyone is making sacrifices. What right do I have to just leave when everyone else is making sacrifices?

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if you want to talk about rights fine: don't you have the right to have your sacrifices acknowledged and appreciated? Don't you as a person have the right to be acknowledged and appreciated?

You are in a bad spot, your father runs you over with his will and apparently no one else in the family has come to your aid. You have a lot to loose if you confront your father and maybe the rest of the family, but you have a lot to loose of yourself and your self respect if you don't. Short of some good drugs I don't see anyway to deal with the anger without dealing with the underlying problem in your family that is making you angry.

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Hi, Kitkat. First of all, I'm glad you mom is improving, however slowly.

I see your dad is keeping up his ways.

What are the push pulls you feel? Do you feel like running out the door, but can't? Do you feel like hitting him, but can't? Do you feel helpless in the saying, re any kind of even short self defense put in words?

I think, given you wish to stay for at least a while, that you should be looking at a middle way. Look him in the eye and tell him he is off base and rude. Then don't get into it. Don't let him overwhelm you. I would have stayed in that spa. The frightened pussycat thing can't keep going on and on. You have made progress on this kind of thing before, growing into being your own woman, and you don't have to stop now just because of these circumstances. Demand courtesy, and maybe you'll get it. If not, you'll have stood up - and keep doing it. You know you're dad is a bully and has a family that react as people do to a bully. Stop with that pattern, at least at your end of it. That doesn't mean you have to move, run, or hit. Be courteous, but stand up for yourself.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

if you want to talk about rights fine: don't you have the right to have your sacrifices acknowledged and appreciated? Don't you as a person have the right to be acknowledged and appreciated?

I do feel that the things I do should at least be appreciated, but I understand if they are not verbally recongnized. No body's mind is on me right now. No one is thinking how I feel right now because all they care about is my mom getting better. For that reason is why I do not push to be recognized. I understand that her needs are more important than mine. So I do my best to make sure she is happy and everyone else is at ease.
Here is a perfect example of what I am talking about:

My grandmother is over right now helping out. She is my father's mother. She just walked up the stairs and marched into my room demanding to know when the last time the cat box was cleaned out. I told her I just cleaned it out two days ago. She starts screming at me telling me I need to clean it everyday and that I shouldn't be "making" her clean it out. WTF? "Making" her? Somehow since there are two cats, one of them being mine and the other being my family's, it is my responsibility to clean the cat box...which I HAVE been doing. But since I am not cleaning it out EVERYDAY like my grandmother would like, the fact that I even clean it at all goes out the window. It's the same with the dog poop. There are three dogs here. I have a dog, my family has a dog, and my brother just bought a puppy. But somehow I am the one responsible for cleaning up the poop because I own a dog. My brother is useless...everyone knows this. No one will bother asking him to do anything so EVERYTHING lies on me.

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ossobuco wrote:

Hi, Kitkat. First of all, I'm glad you mom is improving, however slowly.

I see your dad is keeping up his ways.

What are the push pulls you feel? Do you feel like running out the door, but can't? Do you feel like hitting him, but can't? Do you feel helpless in the saying, re any kind of even short self defense put in words?

Sometimes I feel like running away...just taking my savings and running out the door. Sometimes I just want to scream and punch a hole in the wall. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out. Sometimes I just want to cry until I can't breathe anymore. I try to get away but it's all still sitting here when I get back. Nothing ever gets better, it just keeps getting darker and darker until I can't tell the light from the dark anymore. I feel like I hold too much in but I don't know how to express it. I feel my emotions only want to come out in anger or tears. I feel that no matter what I do it is never good enough for anyone else. Everyone makes me feel like everything I do is half-assed when I know all my heart went into doing it. I feel that I am surrounded in darkness when I long to be in the light. No matter what I do, good or bad...it doesn't make a difference. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know what is good and what isn't anymore because I get treated the same either way. I feel like I can't go 10 minutes without someone calling my name to help them with something which is fine but I still get treated the same way once they are satisfied that I helped them. I feel like a god-damned robot sometimes...like a tool that you can let get beat up and not lose any sleep over it. I mean god-damnit...I AM ******* HUMAN BEING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!! I have feelings and emotions too. I hurt too. I'm doing the best I can with what I have left of my life so far. WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT FROM ME!?!?!?!?

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Is your mother eligible for some home nursing assistance, say through the Visiting Nurses Association? I see no reason to be a martyr here if you don't have to be. I don't mean not to help, but not to be stuck all the time. Who cares what your family thinks, when she may be eligible for some therapeutic help that would or could be good for her. (Perhaps you've already checked into that.) UCLA is a pretty good hospital, rated third in the country, I think. You might talk with a social worker there at the hospital re any recommendations they have.

The barking business, I've heard that your father barks for - it seems like - years now. He barks because people let him.

Get out of the victim thing, the wailing about WHAT DO THEY EXPECT OF ME?
Figure out what is best for you to do, do it as nicely as you can, don't let aspholes overwhelm you, and find an outlet to let off steam. Some a2kers take boxing lessons (well, one does), there are jogging/running, swimming, yoga, learning to draw.. any number of things to do that can be restorative to you in the doing.

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Quote:

I understand that her needs are more important than mine. So I do my best to make sure she is happy and everyone else is at ease.

...And you know what? I don't need any recognition. I don't need a pat on the back or even a "thank you". I don't need someone to acknowledge what I do around here because that isn't what is important to me.

...I do feel that the things I do should at least be appreciated, but I understand if they are not verbally recongnized.

...My family will never look at me the same way again. They will see me leaving as a selfish act and think me a coward.

...There is a time when you accept the harsh words from them because you know what they are dealing with, and then there is too far.

Quote:

I understand that her needs are more important than mine. So I do my best to make sure she is happy and everyone else is at ease.

The thing is, your moms needs aren't more important - they are equal to yours, and yours to hers. Your moms needs aren't normal, and they create more difficulty for her and for others, yet they are not one iota more important than yours - they are equal.

We humans, when we subjugate our needs to others, cannot maintain a healthy mental perspective (or process for that matter). We cannot then fully express our love for others, because all our dealings with others are constantly affected by the unmet need of ours. The longer it is unmet, the more it affects us (you are describing this process in one of your posts).

Quote:

What I need to know is how to control my emotions.

This (placing your needs below anothers) is one of the root causes of the loss of control of your emotions, if not the root cause.

If no one else is meeting your needs, then who is going to do so if you don't? In the end, it is up to you to recognise the equality of all peoples needs, including yours, your mothers, and your fathers...and with any other relatives. Not one is an iota more important. Any other way, especially in your circumstances, leads you down a dark and soul destroying path - you need to recognise your self, who you are, and your needs and wants...they don't have to be put first - just equal.

Lets say you just disagree with your dad on who needs to do what (and given that both your opinions/values/needs are equal, then that's okay) - if you disagreed, could you find a way to be respectful to his views/needs, while being respectful to your own (which means being firm, and making you sure meet them if no one else does)?
..
From a practical perspective, have you thought of organizing a roster so that everyone can have a break every now and then.

From what you describe of others - many get a break - you don't. Giving a full day every now and then so that you can have a break (and your father by the sounds of it) shouldn't be that big a sacrifice for them.

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I think you are right, Vikorr. It's very hard to see your own needs past someone's elses more complicated needs. I think it is pretty obvious that I run around in life catering to everyone else and making sure they are happy hoping that one day my good deeds will pay off or I just end up sitting around waiting for good fortune to fall into my lap. I think people look at me and they see someone who will do anything for them and never ask anything in return. It is very easy to take advantage of someone like me. My ex husband has done it, my father has done it, even my best friends who I no longer speak to for that very reason have done it. I rarely ask anything from anyone, I can't even ask my own father for money when I really need it resulting in fees or just digging myself into a deeper financial hole. It has nothing to do with being proud, I just have a fear of burdening people. But I am the first one giving out money to someone who needs it, even though they rarely use it for something they truly need. There were several friends in my life that I would do anything for, there have been friends that I have done anything for even when I really didn't want to do it. But I don't think I can name very many who I could tell you right now would do anything for me. I do feel that I have gotten better now that I am not with my husband anymore. Lately I have been cashing in my good deed tokens that I have been saving up all my life. I recently got rid of a friend who I have known for 3 years because all she did was use and abuse. Things between us started getting rocky when I started learning to use "no" more often. Then the big "NO" came and I made the decision to drop her.

I think I am unhappy because I am not working. I am not doing what it is I love to do. I just graduated from college and I haven't been able to spread my career wings yet. I have found things to do to occupy myself that have something to do with the profession that I am in which seems to help. But I think I just need to get out. I'm going stir crazy here. I see these people every day and I need a break.

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ossobuco wrote:

Is your mother eligible for some home nursing assistance, say through the Visiting Nurses Association? I see no reason to be a martyr here if you don't have to be. I don't mean not to help, but not to be stuck all the time. Who cares what your family thinks, when she may be eligible for some therapeutic help that would or could be good for her. (Perhaps you've already checked into that.) UCLA is a pretty good hospital, rated third in the country, I think. You might talk with a social worker there at the hospital re any recommendations they have.

The problem is finances. God knows how much my mom's hospital bills have cost. So far I think it is around 100,000. Of course we have insurance who pays for everything past the deductible. But if my dad can cut costs by having his family helping to nurse my mom back to health he'll be saving a butt-load. Maybe I can ask if there is any therapy like that covered by insurance, that may help.

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" I just have a fear of burdening people"

Isn't that the same as "I don't value myself very much"? I think it is, and when you give off that vibe it makes it easy for others to take without valuing you very highly as well.

There is nothing wrong with serving others, with not making what you get back a high priority, but all concerned (including you) must value your service. Moving on with your career will help, but you should fix the reason you allowed yourself to get stuck in the first place....how you see yourself.

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Maybe it's time to set aside a chunk of quiet time to yourself so you can come up with a solid plan.

The plan needs to include what you need to stay healthy, sane, and to grow.

I know how situations like this can seem to suck us in and before we know it we are operating in robot-mode. Just trying to get everything done, keep everyone happy, and get by. And the first thing to go forgotten is ourselves and what we need.

That your dad is really crawling under your skin lately is just that warning signal that you've had enough and it is time to adjust what you are doing a bit.

You need to recognize yourself, kat. It takes work, and you are under a lot of pressure so it takes even more work to fit it in. But it's important. You are the base. The base for being able to do all these things you want to do - not just for yourself, but for your mom and family and everyone else.
And if you neglect yourself, they will lose out too.

You obviously love your mom a lot.

If I can help at all, whether you need to vent or to help plot out the details of getting you to where you need to be, let me know.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself right now. And I've been in situations like this before - and in the past, my responses were very much like yourself.
This time around, I know from experience, really deep down experience, that sacrificing myself is not in the interest of anyone in the long run.
My mom is going through a health crisis, and though my first instinct was to drop everything and rush out from my home and my life and my work to be with her 24-7, it's not what I have chosen to do.

I find it very interesting that you titled this the "Morals of Obligation". In the past, that is how I would have thought.
Now, my thoughts are that it has nothing to do with morals or obligation or duty - it is about love. What I do, I do because it is what I genuinely want to do.
That may sound self evident - but it is different than before. There is truly no sacrifice involved.

There is no question you genuinely want to do everything in your power to help your mom and to see your family strong.

There were a lot of times I used to feel real guilty about taking time out for myself. To work, or to relax, or even to go on a date. It used to be always this measure and comparison of importance (idea of it, anyways).
For example, I'd think "How can I be taking time to be with my bf/at work/with friends when my *whoever I felt needed me* is suffering and might need a hand?"

Now I know that the people who love me, really love me, want the best for me too. They don't want me to suffer in any way on their behalf or for their benefit - it isn't in their benefit at all. It is a burden on a person. We are all intertwined - I try to keep that in mind.

You give what you can, genuinely can out of your heart, and that time means a lot.

Perhaps you working, and maybe taking some time to be a young woman outside of the family home - just experiencing, and making time for the silly things too (they are so important! ) is all that you need right now.
Whatever you need - identify it, and work towards a way to do it, and DO IT.

Sorry to run on so long. I hope you are feeling a bit better by the time you read this. And congratulations in all you have accomplished in this last year, kit kat. That's a lot of self growth, and worth fighting for and being proud of .

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Thank you Mushy. It really does help. Its good to hear that there are others that are going through the same thing and are willing to share how they got through it with you. I really don't talk about the bad things that have happened, especially last year, with anyone I know. If they ask me, I will tell them. But other than that I try not to bring it up. I find though that if I do talk about it or I happen to mention something in conversation that people are more willing to open up to you if they have been through it as well.

It's also a very strange place I am in right now in my life. I have had to be a mother to my mother. I have had to tell her "no" or sometimes treat her like a child because she doesn't know any better right now. I have had to take things away from her and be in charge of her nap times. It's like a completely upsidedown world over here. I am trying the best I can but it is so difficult for me to have to be a mother to my mom when I am old enough to understand my responsibilities but young enough to still be under their wing. It's hard on me because I respect my parents (I might not have always got along with them) and being the parent to my parent is a bit surreal. I also brush her hair and put on her make-up and help to dress her and pick out cute things for her to wear. It's like living life backwards.

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kitkat_bar wrote:

It's also a very strange place I am in right now in my life. I have had to be a mother to my mother.

Keep in mind though that even women who are in their fifties finding themsleves taking care of a parent in the way you are often have a rough go of it. It is just hard, nothing changes that.

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It seems to me you are doing a fabulous job in a very tough circumstance.

I think there is something especially hard when it is our moms. The woman we looked for guidance and strength from, even if they had more than their share of faults.

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I'm tryin here...I really am. I am trying so hard not to sound like a victim but no matter how hard I try not to that is how it comes out...but I just don't understand what I am doing wrong. Either way, if I stand up for myself or not I can't get away from being bitched at ALL THE TIME. If I stand up to them I am thought of as selfish and if I just take it then it doesn't matter if I do the deed or not I am still bitched at. I woke up this morning in a good mood and the first thing I do is decide to help out. The first thing I did this morning was go straight to both cat boxes and clean them out. On my way down to throw out the bag of cat poop in the outside trash can, my brother's little puppy runs by me into the garage. I throw away the poop, get the puppy back outside, and continue upstairs to gather more trash around the house to throw away. In the 2 minutes it took me to go back upstairs to get the trash, my dad goes into the garage and notices that a dog has pooped in the garage. I explain to him that it must have been Jon's (my brother) puppy when I wasn't looking. I suppose you can already guess what happened next. He starts bitching at me telling me that since I have a dog (even though there are two others) it is my responsibility to clean up all the poop....that he shouldn't have to walk outside and see poop in the morning right by the door. What the hell does he except? He locks all the dogs on the side of the house every night. Where the hell else are they going to poop if they have to go at night?

And it isn't like he didn't know about me cleaning out cat box. He was standing at the bottom of the stairs when I came down with the poop bag and he asked me what was inside.

So then my grandmother comes over. My dad asks me...no wait...tells me to go to wallgreens and pick up my mom's new medicine. I am still in my pajamas. He tells me I have half an hour to do it. I get ready to go in 5 minutes. Mind you, I am still pretty peeved about the dog poop bitching I just had. I start to head down the stairs when I hear my grandmother leaving to go pick up the same medication I just got dressed to go get.

Two minutes later my dad is in my room bitching at me again. He starts making accusations that my dog is the only one that poops, like he can tell poop apart. He starts screaming at me telling me to damn well do something if he tells me to do it and not give him attitude. I told him I gave attitude for a damn good reason. Then he starts going off about how I am just as bad as my brother...most of you already know about my brother. That's pretty insulting. Now he's bitching at me telling me I don't do enough around here and that he is doing the dishes and the laundry and the cleaning and going to work. I just screamed back at him and said "oh, you mean like mom did for the the past 30 years? That's exactly what mom's do." All I could do is scream back at him and try and defend myself but like I have said a thousand times...it doesn't help. He just makes one bizzare accusation after the next and tries to throw his foot down, expells a few insults, and walks out the door. No one plays victim better than my dad.

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why does it bother you that you are thought of as selfish? You need to get to a place where you know yourself well enough that you know that what you do you need to do for you, even if no one else likes it or agrees with it. You are responsible for what you do, not for what others think about what you do nor how they react.

You can not control what happens in your family, nor can you control how they react to you standing up for yourself and running your life yourself. It may well be that if you ever did stand up for yourself that the entire family would disown you. But what it the cost to you if you continue to let them run you over, to cut you down and make what you want and need worth nothing in the family? What is that going to do to you over time?

Families are supposed to look out for each other, to protect each other. This does not always happen. If nobody is looking out for you then it is all the more important that you look out for you. You should have always been doing this anyways.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

why does it bother you that you are thought of as selfish?

For the same reason I get called a drama seeker or thought of as someone who refuses advice right here on this forum. It bothers me greatly when someone tells me I am something I know deep down that I am not. I am not talking about being in denial. I know deep in my heart what kind of person I am. I know how I feel about people, even strangers on the street. I know where my caring comes from and I know that I don't have a selfish bone in my body. And you are wrong. What people think of you means everything in today's society. If they don't agree with who you are, society can cast you aside, leave you homeless on the streets, soil your good name. It happends every day. You see it in the news. You hear about it on your way to work. The media is real good at making sure what people think is most important. Those people who think otherwise are the ones left to the dogs after we are done with them. Perfectly good people have been ruined for life because of what other people think. I am not only talking about the media either. Ever hear of the "black sheep" of the family? The one no one understands because they don't go with the flow like the rest of society? People fear what they don't understand and they soil each others names to make themselves feel better.

It is so easy for you or I or anyone else on this forum to turn the other cheek to the bad things that our society or our family thinks about us, but it takes an act of pure courage and honor to be able to say you proved them wrong.

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Hi kitkat_bar.

It sure sounds like you're having to try to be the adult for a lot of people around you. Your mother because of her illness and recovery, your brother - just because, your dad because he's stressed and coping less well than usual.

It might be helpful to prepare a written schedule of what you and others need to get done, so that things at least seem to be more organized and under control.

It seems that quite a few people around you are reacting to their inability to really make a difference in your mother's condition.

Perhaps if they can see visually - through a chart/schedule - where they are helping or can help - it might defuse things a tiny bit. It might also make it clearer what you're doing and need to get done. It will also make it obvious to anyone who hasn't noticed, that your brother's not helping.

As the de facto grown-up, you may be the only one who can help manage some of that stress for everyone.

~~~

If your brother's not helping with the pets, I'd suggest having your dad tell him to take his dog back to the providers.

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