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Sun 27 Jan, 2008 05:28 pm
The following is a journal entry that I've decided to post here because I could do with some general advice in response to it, if anyone has any. I'm sorry that it's so long, but hopefully it contains enough information for somebody to give me some useful advice... maybe. It's worth a try, anyway. Skim through it if you like. I should add (since it isn't mentioned in the entry) that I'm 21, male and I live in the UK. Rachel and I were students at the same university, but she's now moved back to her hometown elsewhere in the UK. I asked her out in December 2006 and we went on one date.
Every now and then Rachel has an ongoing conversation with me by text or on facebook. At Christmas I decided that the next time it happened I might just say to her directly that I don't want to have these chats unless there's a decent chance that we're going to meet up or something. I don't know her well enough to notice her flaws, so as far as I'm concerned she's too perfect for us to just be friends. Her messages fill me with far too much romantic excitement (which I really can't help), and it becomes harder and harder to wait for the next message; until eventually they stop coming and I sink back into my solitary life with renewed consciousness of how unsatisfying it really is.
But now she's writing on my facebook wall again, every couple of days, and I can't ask her to stop because I don't want her to. I heard on the radio that the neurophysiology (if that's the right word) of romantic love, or that tingling feeling, is very similar to that of the rush you get from cocaine. They implied that it's addictive in a similar sort of way, and that certainly seems true. I'm not saying I'm in love (I haven't even seen her in a year), but every time she sends me a message I definitely get a rush of something, and the rest of my life ceases to matter for a few moments. This is sort of coming at a good time, because I'm in the middle of belatedly applying for PhD funding and thinking bleakly about my future.
Annoying ambitions and high, unfulfilled (unfulfillable?) expectations keep popping into my head. I keeping getting this ridiculous notion that if I don't become some sort of world-famous genius then my entire life will be a failure. I've been feeling very inadequate, basically, and vaguely thinking about killing myself to avoid the hassle of trying to meet my own demands. But Rachel's messages, and the effect they have on me (even before I read them) put things nicely into perspective, and remind me that there's only one thing that I really care about.
Or so it seems. In reality, this is probably the sort of feeling junkies get when they start to base their lives around a drug habit, and have no ambitions in life beyond getting the next fix. I'm reaching a familiar stage of the exchange of messages where I start to get a big rush from seeing her name in my e-mail inbox, and I sustain the feeling as I write a response, but then I have a nasty come-down when I realise that I'm going to have to wait a few days for the next message. It's starting to take more and more will-power to distract myself and get back to other things, hence the time spent writing this livejournal entry when I have more "important" things to be doing.
Maybe I should be straight with her: tell her that I like her a lot and I really want to see her again, and that if she isn't interested then I'll understand, but that it is probably best if we stop exchanging messages because I'm struggling to get her off my mind. Maybe that's an okay thing to say, I don't know. I suppose I only really want to say it if the response is going to be, "okay, let's get together". But then again, if she's lost whatever interest she had in me when I first asked her out (13 months ago!), I kind of need to know so that I can forget about the whole thing. I might feel capable of just being friendly with her if I know that's all she's after, because my nagging romantic hopes will start to go away.
It may seem fairly sad to be hung up on somebody like this for over a year, but it's not new to me. And it's inevitable. I have sexual and emotional needs just like everybody else, but (apparently) unlike everybody else I don't have many options available to me when it comes to fulfilling them. I'm very shy, I don't get out much and my sexual taste is pretty peculiar. It's rare that I meet somebody that I like who likes me, and when it does happen (and when it stares me in the face long enough for me to be aware of it) I can't seem to do anything about it. I am slowly trying to do something about it (cognitive behavioural therapy), but in the meantime I'm hung up on somebody who lives hundreds of miles away and occasionally sends me messages.
I'm not sure where this is going. This is a good enough place to stop. Help me.
"Maybe I should be straight with her: tell her that I like her a lot and I really want to see her again, and that if she isn't interested then I'll understand, but that it is probably best if we stop exchanging messages because I'm struggling to get her off my mind."
That sounds like pretty good advice. :wink:
Ticomaya wrote:"Maybe I should be straight with her: tell her that I like her a lot and I really want to see her again, and that if she isn't interested then I'll understand, but that it is probably best if we stop exchanging messages because I'm struggling to get her off my mind."
That sounds like pretty good advice. :wink:
Really? You think it's a good idea? Because I'm clueless.
Does anybody else think it's a terrible idea?
No, I don't think it's a terrible idea. I think it's always best to be honest- especially if you want to know what she is truly thinking.
I suggest that you make a decision whether or not you are going to act on this.
It's been over a year!!!
Do you think she will wait for . . . . . (nothing??)
Do you think she is a mind reader . . . . ?
While you are over-analyzing this whole thing, she could be gone!
Get the courage to do what you want - the
act on it.
The Serenity Prayer is better than therapy, and a whole lot cheaper
If it would give you closure, then it's not TERRIBLE. But it's not a great approach either. If she's somewhat on the fence, or not sure, then coming out and telling her that could scare her away. Your odds are better if you can actually see her.
How far away is she? Let's say she was attracted to you, could any kind of relationship work anyway?
I would just drop her a line telling her the emails are fun, but getting old, and ask her when she wants to meet up to continue your interesting coversations and do something fun. And IF you do get to hang with her, try to relax a bit on the "she's perfect" crap. She's not perfect, and you're not in love, you're obsessed. Obsession over a chick who's not your girlfriend is not healthy.
You admitted being insecure, which is why you're so hung up on a female you've only had one date with(and how did that go?) If you weren't so shy & insecure, I'd tell you to date as many women as you can right now.
However, you need to get a handle on your insecurities, make it the top priority in your life. You'll just be a buzzkill in any relationship unless you're happy with yourself first. Can't tell you exactly how to do it, but I used to be pathetic with females because of my own shyness & insecurities too, and you can overcome it in a huge way if you try.
SULLYFISH66 wrote:I suggest that you make a decision whether or not you are going to act on this.
It's been over a year!!!
Do you think she will wait for . . . . . (nothing??)
Do you think she is a mind reader . . . . ?
While you are over-analyzing this whole thing, she could be gone!
Get the courage to do what you want - the
act on it.
The Serenity Prayer is better than therapy, and a whole lot cheaper
Yes, not to get too much into it, but you do have to take control of the situation with her. "Hey, when are we getting together, let's do this...."
Females want a strong guy who will take control and make things happen. The longer you keep emailing back & forth without taking the next step, the less attractive you become...that is, if she's attracted to you at all anyway.
Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:How far away is she? Let's say she was attracted to you, could any kind of relationship work anyway?
Urm, about two hours on the train. I don't know if a relationship would work... I have no experience of relationships at all, let alone long-distance ones. As far as I know, I'd have no trouble holding up my end of the bargain, if you know what I mean. But I probably don't know her well enough to know how she'd cope. All I know is that she is probably as shy as I am, and possibly just as inexperienced.
Quote:IF you do get to hang with her, try to relax a bit on the "she's perfect" crap.
Of course.
Quote:She's not perfect, and you're not in love, you're obsessed. Obsession over a chick who's not your girlfriend is not healthy.
Yes, I do know all of that. The problem is that I don't know what to do about it. It's all very well telling me that I'm obsessed, and I have no inclination to diagree, but can anyone tell me how to become un-obsessed?
Quote:You admitted being insecure, which is why you're so hung up on a female you've only had one date with(and how did that go?).
You're absolutely right. And the date was okay... we went to the pub and chatted. She seemed to be as nervous as I was, so there were some awkward silences after a while. The worst thing was that I didn't know hot to end it, so I waited until the conversation kind of ground to a halt, and then we walked back in half-silence. At her door she gave me a hug and told me she had a good time. We never went on another one because every time I asked her she told me she was busy with work, until I eventually stopped asking. But she carried on sending me messages all year, which leave me confused about whether she actually doesn't fancy me or whether she was just too shy to go out with me again.
Quote:If you weren't so shy & insecure, I'd tell you to date as many women as you can right now.
Yes, I would if I knew how.
Quote:However, you need to get a handle on your insecurities, make it the top priority in your life. You'll just be a buzzkill in any relationship unless you're happy with yourself first. Can't tell you exactly how to do it, but I used to be pathetic with females because of my own shyness & insecurities too, and you can overcome it in a huge way if you try.
Yes, you're right again - thanks. I'm starting to work through a self-help book on social anxiety. If it doesn't work I'll try something else.
One 'answer' could be to 'get a life' - which for some (myself included at times) is easy to say and difficult to do.
That said - go on one of those online dating sights, go out on a few dates.
Otherwise, you could join a club (sports, cards, chess, books, rotary, anything), get fit (exercise does wonders for clarity of thinking).,take up a hobby, get a second job....or any other measure that takes your interest.
...the best ones would be to get fit and go out on dates.
[quote="thoke"][quote="Ticomaya"]"Maybe I should be straight with her: tell her that I like her a lot and I really want to see her again, and that if she isn't interested then I'll understand, but that it is probably best if we stop exchanging messages because I'm struggling to get her off my mind."
That sounds like pretty good advice. :wink:[/quote]
Really? You think it's a good idea? Because I'm clueless.
Does anybody else think it's a terrible idea?[/quote]
No, I think it is the one and only good idea!
Even though I have to admit, that a friend said once something similar to me, and that was the end of our friendship.
But in the end, I am sure it was the best for both of us, since without me, he could start looking for someone else and work on the dreams for his future, that I just could not see myself involved in.
[quote="vikorr"]One 'answer' could be to 'get a life' - [/quote]
One more comment here.
My friend at the time DID have a life.
He just dreamed of me being part of it in another way that I could imagine.
thoke wrote:Yes, I do know all of that. The problem is that I don't know what to do about it. It's all very well telling me that I'm obsessed, and I have no inclination to diagree, but can anyone tell me how to become un-obsessed?.
It comes down to you improving your perception of yourself. And meeting other females to help you realize there are better options out there for you.
Like mentioned, you need to get out and do things. Join groups, become more social. And don't focus on having to meet a girlfriend....just get yourself to become more outgoing. Do excercises: go to the mall and make it a point to start a conversation with 10 random women, even if they're employees(which is easier), WITHOUT the intention of hitting on them. After a while, you'll realize it's not so scary.
Do you have any friends who are outgoing? Anyone you can hang out with that's fun, and will help you break out of your shell?
Who is that guy wearing Slappy's costume?
vikorr, I've never understood the phrase "get a life". If I didn't have a life, I'd be dead. If it means "find something to occupy your time", then I already have plenty of things to occupy my time. If it means "be more normal" (whatever normal means), then it doesn't solve my problem of not being able to be 'normal' (e.g. telling me to go out on dates doesn't help the fact that I'm terrified of going out on dates).
You might as well tell a cancer patient to "stop having cancer".
Thanks for trying anyway.
Release my friend, you bastard!
Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:It comes down to you improving your perception of yourself. And meeting other females to help you realize there are better options out there for you.
Like mentioned, you need to get out and do things. Join groups, become more social. And don't focus on having to meet a girlfriend....just get yourself to become more outgoing. Do excercises: go to the mall and make it a point to start a conversation with 10 random women, even if they're employees(which is easier), WITHOUT the intention of hitting on them. After a while, you'll realize it's not so scary.
Yeah, that's good advice. And I plan to do that kinds of stuff anyway. THis is the book I've started to work through:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Behavioural-Techniques/dp/1854877038.
Quote:Do you have any friends who are outgoing? Anyone you can hang out with that's fun, and will help you break out of your shell?
Yeah, there are a couple. But I normally only see them in situations involving alcohol, which is cheating. Maybe I should spend more time with them in sober daylight.
I agree totally with Slappy, good posts.
thoke wrote:Yeah, there are a couple. But I normally only see them in situations involving alcohol, which is cheating. Maybe I should spend more time with them in sober daylight.
Cheating for who? As long as you don't get too drunk and stay in control of yourself, I'm just saying get involved with talking to people with them.
gustavratzenhofer wrote:Release my friend, you bastard!
Two weeks ago I got hammered and banged a "slump breaker." It's been pouring every since.
Hi thoke,
My use of the term 'get a life' was not meant to be an insult. I also explained exactly what I meant.
Quote:(e.g. telling me to go out on dates doesn't help the fact that I'm terrified of going out on dates).
You want to date this girl right?
Considering she's important to you, I'd start practising with some girls less well known to you, who mean less to you (and you never know, you might find one you actually like).
The suggestion of doing 'exercises' is good, but also hard work, and you need to be prepared for a lot of rejection...
That you're terrified of dates is something you will simply have to deal with. Some suggestions - they aren't gospel, just my thoughts - Start out small - go have a coffee with a girl. If you have body image problem - exercise, or go to a gym (fitness does improve ones image and confidence). If you don't know what to talk about - read books on different subjects, go and see a number of the latest movies. Get a Hobby (you can exchange hobby stories). Own a dog (swap pet stories). If you have the money, see a dating counsellor, do some dating courses, read some dating books.
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