Reply
Wed 16 Jan, 2008 03:24 am
Big question, and I am full of insecurity, but here goes:
Married for over 20 years, both have always been faithful. Couple years ago I was in an accident, had major surgery, we were unable to have sex for about 18 months.
She had been overweight, but stress of taking care of me and her health concerns caused her to lose about 75 pounds. She began exercising, and looks good.
Began having sex again about six months ago, but it's different. Married for a long time time, we weren't in a rut, but, well, we were used to each other, knew what each other liked.
We used to have great sex, always climaxing together. We were not predictable, but there were no big surprises in bed. No complaints, and we would sometimes work in something new, and we were comfortable with each other.
After no sex for almost two years, I find she is like a new woman in bed. At first, it was pretty exciting. She was doing things and using techniques we had never tried before. (We married young, with little experience.)
Now, I'm not so sure. She is good at what she is doing; pleasing me and herself. I'm hoping she just watched a lot of porn while I was laid up; she said she does not notice anything different about the way we have sex.
I noticed she had bought a new wardrobe for her weight loss, and this included sexy underwear. She never used to wear sexy things like this, even before we had kids; does a woman wear underwear like this for herself just to go to work? I guess I should note she only did this for a time while I was injured. She doesn't any longer, and the sexy underwear has been put away in the back of the closet.
She almost left me during the time I was hurt. Said she didn't see a future with me. We attended counselling and got back on track as I began to heal.
Question I have: Am I out of line to think she might have been having sex with someone else while I was unavailable? Learning their habits, their way, their rhythms in bed?
If I asked, she would simply deny. A couple other incidents happened over the same time frame makes me think she might have started an affair with a coworker.
If anything happened, I'm convinced it is over. I just can't help but notice, and think, every time we get into bed together...
I don't know whether you are "out of line", buddy, but based on what you have written, you sure are a fool! You have an attractive wife who is keen to please you (and herself) in bed, who stuck with you through illness and recovery and 18 months of no sex, and all you can do is ask "Has she been screwing somebody else?". If you follow this line you may well lose her, you sure deserve to!
Count your blessings.
Quote:After no sex for almost two years, I find she is like a new woman in bed. At first, it was pretty exciting. She was doing things and using techniques we had never tried before.
And you're
complaining? Wake up and smell the coffee! She could have left you. She didn't. She learned hot new bedroom tricks. Bottom line is, who cares where she learned them? She chose you. There are some things in life it is better not to know, unless you want to spend a lonely life jerking off over magazines because you blew your happiness
You might be right, you might not!
And most importantly you might never find out and drive yourself crazy over it!
My suggestion: Let it lie and enjoy what you have!
contrex- I think that you are "right on the money".
Jason J22- And you are complaining? Let's say, for argument's sake, that during a most stressful time, she had an affair. You were "out of commission" sexually, and she had to spend a lot of time caring for you.
Now you are recovered, and you find yourself with a sexy wife, who goes out of her way to pleasure you. IMO, I would consider myself "ahead of the game".
BTW, you are only supposing that she had an affair. She might not have. And if she did, it would have been perfectly understandable. Don't sweat it, and enjoy what you have with a woman who has stood by you, through sickness and in health.
Jason--
When one spouse loses weight it is not uncommon for the other spouse to feel threatened by their partner's new, sexier persona.
You were having a two year ordeal of injury and recovery.
Meanwhile, your wife was traveling her own road, losing weight and becoming more attractive. She feels more attractive. She likes wearing sexy underwear. She likes trying new games in bed.
Your old model wife, overweight and insecure about it, was safe as houses. Now she's thinner, more attractive, more confident--and you worry that you may not measure up.
Figure out why the improvements she's made in herself threaten you and then figure out how to get over your insecurity. This is your problem, in your head.
once someone loses weight, they become more energetic . They are able to move better, walk better and even have better sex.
being overweight is painful and embarrassing.
She no longer has weight to 'tie her movements down'
enjoy it.
I agree with what's been said here, but I'll add that it makes perfect sense to me that she'd wear the sexy underwear for a while, and also that she'd put it away, all without another man being in the picture at all. It's FUN to be in shape and to look good in sexy underwear. Women get pleasure from that in and of itself -- "wow, look at me! not bad at all."
However, sexy underwear can be a) fragile b) not very supportive c) scratchy... you get the idea. Could be that she bought it for her big new-body celebration, then after a while went back to more normal stuff for comfort reasons.
Note, I'm not saying "she hasn't had an affair" -- who knows. But that "evidence" alone isn't necessarily incriminating, IMO.
My thoughts are on the same lines as Noddy and Sozobe. I've lost a lot of weight and the sexy cloths were the first thing I went for and I did it for me, because I could finally wear things that I couldn't wear before. It's not easy for a big gal to find the real sexy stuff they have out there for thinner folks, so it's exciting when you lose weight and are able to finally fit into all that pretty stuff.
I don't wear some of it anymore because (as Sozobe stated) the sexy stuff isn't always the most comfortable things to wear.
I suggest you enjoy her and her new found figure and share in her excitement ;-)
Jason--
There are two people in your marriage. You spent two years being understandably preoccupied with your own needs. Your wife spent some of that time losing weight--for herself. She's entitled to needs, too.
That still doesn't explain
"She was doing things and using techniques we had never tried before. (We married young, with little experience.)"
Ha - just kidding. Maybe she read alot while you were sick. Or just got on the net. Or talked to her girlfriends.
In any case, you will KNOW shortly if this is all a prelude to her taking off. Stop whining and looking for the dark side.
In the meantime, tuck your low self esteem out of sight and be real good to the "new her."
Jason, I can see why you would be wondering if she's been having an affair. I get that you are truly wondering because the sex is different and you had that history of her wanting to leave.
I don't think that it's insecure and I don't think you're whining. I think you're very normal to be considering this.
She may not have been having an affair at all. However... if she had, a) would you want to know about it? and b) would it matter to you now?
If it's distressing you this much, you probably do want to know about it, in which case, you could just come right out and ask her. Just be prepared to live with the fall-out (ie. if she hadn't had an affair, she'll be pretty peeved that you suspect her! or if she did, this may open the door for her to talk about leaving you again).
Whatever you do, think carefully first.
I agree with Mame on this situation. (And thanks for wording it for me, Mame.)
Re: Did she cheat on me?
nodding after Mame and osso.
JasonJ22 wrote:If anything happened, I'm convinced it is over. I just can't help but notice, and think, every time we get into bed together...
If anything happened, it's over. You have a new positive relationship with your wife. Look forward and let go of the past.
Yeah...Jason, I am one of them women that has lost over 75 pounds before...and trust me, I become a different woman.
More assertive than usual, I felt like having sex and wanted to be more assertive in that area too....it's because were a lil more willing to be exposed than before. (I got it, lets flaunt it...)
It was the same thing with the sexy underwear....even though they were hidden under the clothing, I knew they were there...
She feels proud of herself......let it go, and enjoy it.
~~~~~~>(needs to loose weight again
)
Quote:She was doing things and using techniques we had never tried before. (We married young, with little experience.
Bedroom techinque is available all over the place. Junior High kids have conversations about bedroom technique.
Trying to understand here.
Are some suggesting that if Jason's wife had/is having an affair - that he would be better off not knowing and pretend it did not happen?
The important thing is communication. He needs to convey to his wife his feelings. The essential thing is framing it in a non-confrontational manner. Maybe just telling her how much he enjoys her new techniques and inquiring how she learned them. To go on suspecting is only going to gnaw at him.
It could be she knew those techniques all along she just didn't feel sexy enough to use them being overweight. OTOH it sounds to me like she had an affair and then broke it off.
This bullshit about not wanting to know is just DENIAL which is not healthy. My suggestion would be to get back into counseling. You guys still have issues.
baddog1 wrote:Trying to understand here.
Are some suggesting that if Jason's wife had/is having an affair - that he would be better off not knowing and pretend it did not happen?
Yes, exactly. If it is over.
contrex wrote:baddog1 wrote:Trying to understand here.
Are some suggesting that if Jason's wife had/is having an affair - that he would be better off not knowing and pretend it did not happen?
Yes, exactly. If it is over.
If there is no trust in a relationship, there is nothing.
]
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace