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Sat 5 Jan, 2008 12:02 pm
I know that i had posted about ending my affair and fixing my life. However, my lover and i ended our "relationship" the day after new years. I have been devastated and i dont know what to do. i love the man i am seeing. I have been sick to my stomach and feeling like i am dying for days now. I talk to my husband, but i honestly just dont care. I have made a list of pros and cons about each man, and what i want in my life... but honestly, i have found that my husband has nothing but cons, cons cons... my life with him is looking like its going to SUCK. we have not been married but for 10 months and already i am trying to escape. i have been going to therapy, but we havent really started discussing the emotional and relationship issues yet. i just started going last week because i thought i was going to kill myself if i didnt. I have left lovers before, and this is something like i have never felt. Even all those times my husband and i split while dating, i did not feel like this. I know the grass is always greener or w/e but honestly, in this situation, i just dont want to be married and sacrificing my freedom and happiness constantly for a person who doesnt love me like i deserve. I am always on eggshells with my husband, i am always playing "mommy". I am not allowed to see my friends because they smoke weed and my husband is very oppossed to their habits, and because he hates them in general. he tries to keep me in his sights and home with him as much as possible. we always do what he wants to do, and if he is feeling bad, sad, etc. i am expected to put whatever i am dealing with aside to be his support system. he bought me gifts for the first time this xmas and i liked them very much, but i am just thinking its too little too late.
i want to feel like i did when i first met my husband. But i feel like our marriage is crumbling and there isnt a way to fix it. I dont really WANT to fix it. Thats what is also upsetting.
i think of my lover all the time. I crave him. Not sex, not kissing and all that... what i crave is the way he listens to me. the way he talks to me and likes my opnions and what i have to say. My husband asked me not to tell people my opnions anymore because other people find them to be "off the wall" and "crazy". he doesnt respect that my views of the world dont have to be like his... he keeps me on LOCKDOWN.
my best friend and i joke about our relationships, saying that we are on "lockdown"-
honestly though when i look at my marriage i see a maximum security prison sentence, lifetime with no parole.
now tell me, looking at my marriage, should i feel like im in prison?
Also i want to make it clear that i am not interested in having a "marriage" and all that stuff with my lover. I love him, as a person but i am trying to sort out myself first, not trying to go from one relationship to another crazy one.
i just need some more advice or im going to go ******* nuts.
Hi, does your husband know how you feel? There are always two sides to every story. How do you think he views your marriage? Are you able to sit down and have a long discussion about compromising to come to some mutual understanding of what you each want from your marriage?
You've been married for 10 months, what was it about him that made you decide to marry him?
It sounds like you have the right attitude about getting some counselling and not just jumping into another marriage. Is your lover married? Who broke it off?
Sorry for all the questions. I'm happy to listen and offer my opinion, maybe we can learn something from each other.
Women. They get so excited about the wedding that they forget they actually have to live with the dumb sonofabitch after it's over.
Kicky, you made me laugh, but I think that's what my ex didn't understand.
If your marriage is so unbearable, WHY don't you leave?
What is holding you back?
You said of your lover -
"what i crave is the way he listens to me. the way he talks to me and likes my opnions and what i have to say"
All this should be happening in your marriage (especially for the first year) so if you don't feel this way about your husband, then get out NOW.
Your lover??? He may be a fantasy and greener grass but you were wise to break if off so you can clear your head and deal with this marriage you are in. That should come FIRST.
PS. Speaking of grass, I would not want my husband to hang around people who use illegal drugs. Why do you find that so unreasonable?
Montrose--
Confusion.
It sounds to me as though both you and your husband went through with a wedding assuming that saying "I Do" would give each of you power to change the other person.
He wants you to be a reflection of him, his views and his values. He's a conventional guy.
You aren't as conventional. You hoped after the marriage he'd be more light-hearted and adventurous.
Ending a love affair is hard. Returning to a imperfect marriage that is still on a shake-down cruise is harder.
Therapy is an excellent idea. You need a sounding board, an objective ear.
How long was your affair going on? You "owe" your husband and your own self-respect at least that length of time for some intensive work on your marriage--and some even more intensive work (with the help of your therapist) on figuring out who you are.
kickycan wrote:Women. They get so excited about the wedding that they forget they actually have to live with the dumb sonofabitch after it's over.
This could actually be a separate thread. I know a number of women who were guilty of this. They were so inthralled with getting the big poofy dress, buckets of flowers and princess-like attention that the guy was just another prop. I think people should be required to have the party first and then have to wait a full year until getting the marriage license. At anytime during the trial year either partner can call it quits without repercussions. It would probably put a lot of divorce lawyers out of business.
kickycan wrote:Women. They get so excited about the wedding that they forget they actually have to live with the dumb sonofabitch after it's over.
This belongs in the sigline thread.
CANT STOP
I was wondering if your husband loves you more than you love him. You are admitting to adultery and to doing elicit drugs. How dare your husband the man that married you for love care about your well being by looking out for your best interest. Is it so terrible that he cares that no harm to come to your health and the fact that you could be caught and put in jail.Did you ever think that the problem lies within you. Why do you do drugs any way. Perhaps their is a whole in your heart from your past that you have not dealt with. What about the guy you have been seeing. Is a real man someone that engages in an adulteress affair knowing you are married and having problems. If he would do that is that the type of moral man you feel comfortable being with. If this sounds harsh it is not meant to be but you have to take responsibility for your actions and life. You can not blame your husband for how you feel. You are in control of nothing except what you say and what you do. But most of all what you feel. Love has to be nurtured just as a child and if you truly love someone it is not because your in a good mood that day but a conscious choice. Are you wanting to escape to somewhere else. Where will you escape to? Love is not a sometime thing its a all the time thing.Lastly if you are part of the problem then you most assuredly are part of the solution. Good luck and remember that love and happiness is a choice you make and that if you let someone else be responsible for your happiness then you will always set yourself up for a let down. Love has so much potential but only when you act on it. doubleD
the heart wants what it wants. dont let dogma stop you from finding happiness.
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