Reply
Tue 1 Jan, 2008 02:43 pm
So I have had this female friend for about three years now. I met her in one of my classes and we became friends. She is one of those popular high maintenance type of girls. Very valley-girl and can be quite obnoxious. She has also slept with almost everyone in the department. I am not sure what she sees as a friend in me because I am completely the opposite type of person. I am no where near as popular, I tend to be very low key and go with the flow, and I am pretty shy around people. So basically what ended up happening is I became more popular and people started to know my name. As my popularity went up, hers went down. People started inviting me out on the condition that she didn't go. The fact is, is that she just gets on everyones nerves and half the department couldn't stand her by the time she graduated. Because no one could stand her anymore, she lost all of her friends. She only had a handful of friends still left and she started calling me her "best friend".
I've stuck it out with her through every boyfriend she ever got dumped by, every bad thing that has ever happened to her (which happends every 4.5 seconds it seems), and all of her tears. I am a good listener and I give pretty good advice, even though I know she is the type that will never take my good advice when she knows she should and ends up regretting it every time.
The past year of our friendship has been really rough on me. Instead of venting to me all of her troubles and getting my advice, she started blaming me for them. Every time her boyfriend of the time broke up with her, or even if she was just on her period, she would call me up and every word that came out of my mouth including "how was your day" was offensive and insulting to her. She would scream and cry at me and tell me how much of a bitch I am and when I finally had enough and fought back she would immediately apologize and tell me she was on her period or she was having boy troubles.
We fight more times than we don't because she takes offense to everything I am saying and the more she screams at me the less I want to be her friend or even see her again. Her favorite thing to do is call me up, scream everything at me that she wants to, and when it is my turn to say something...she hangs up on me! I have been hung up on so many times I can't even count them anymore. I have literally been in an hour long fight with her on the phone in which she had hung up on me, waited two minutes, called me back, and five minutes later she hangs up again until this tactic has been repeated at least 4 times. I don't know about anyone else, but that is incredibly rude and I don't tolerate that.
I get invited out by friends from the department and I have to lie to her about it all the time because they hate her. If I tell her I am hanging out with them she will scream at me and say how dare I go an hang out with people that she hates and they hate her. She tells me a "best friend" wouldn't do that.
So this is where it gets nasty. She has this thing for my brother...who just so happends to have just turned 21. My friend is 24 and has been around the block or two. She's racking up almost 30 guys shes slept with and lets just say one of them wasn't clean. She basically asked my permission to hook up with him and I refused. She went off on a tangent telling me how selfish I am and how I don't want her to hook up with him because of my own troubles. I sat there and let her say all the things she wanted to say which just so happened to be "why should I listen to a 24 year old divorcee who lives with her mom and joined the bowling team?" When she knows I am living with my mom because she has a brain tumor and I am helping her back to good health and I joined the bowling team because she can't bowl anymore and if she didn't the team would have to forfeit every game for the rest of the year.
She thinks I don't want her to hook up with him #1. because she thinks that I would be upset if I lost her as a friend when in fact on my side it is quite the opposite and #2. because she thinks I don't want anyone to be happy because of my failed marriage. She wanted to know my reasons and all I really wanted to do was scream out at the top of my lungs "IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE HERPES!!!!!" I told her that if she did sleep with my brother, our friendship would be over. She thinks I'm bluffing.
Heres where the advice part comes in. Should I tell my brother about the fact that she has herpes? If I do, she will know I told him that and do everything in her power to bring me down. She's the type of person that will post lies about you to everyone she knows. But if I don't say anything, she might just out of pure revenge sleep with him. He's only 21 and has never been out in the real world before. He has no idea about her history. What should I do?
1) Your brother is a big boy and can decide if he wants to go out with her - or not, all by himself. You may give an opinion of her, but he does not have to use it. He needs to learn all these moves by himself.
2) Your brother sees you and this girl as friends, and may assume that if she is good enough for you, she is good enough for him (to go out with).
3) This girl sounds like she has problems. You can either accept her unconditionally and set yourself up for all kinds of abuse OR you can learn to detach from her, with love. (That's saying with a smile on your face "I am no longer able to talk to you; "I can't spend time with you today", Gee it sounds like you're having a bad day, call me when you feel better" etc. etc.)
4) When you detach from her, then you can tell your brother why you are no longer so emeshed with her, and the reasons include that she smothers others, is verbally abusive to you and is promiscous with men, and you know for fact that she has herpes.
If you are so worried about your brother, be a better role model!!
Herpes is almost tangential to the problem that this girl-woman has serious problems and needs more counselling help than you can give or she would listen to. Secondly, why you put up with her, I don't know. (I say that, but I did that with a friend somewhat like that, at least in the attention sucking aspects) in my late teens and early twenties.) I don't think all my listening and getting along did her any favors, and it was destructive to me. I finally took a good hard look at myself and my need to get along. Friendship is not defined as a constant round of putting up with someone's rampant and abusive neediness. Again, she needs help, but from a professional.
As for your brother, I'd be truthful, at least about her personality and - I'll have to think more about that - probably about having a transmissible std.
I think I'd give your so-called friend a chance to tell your brother and give her a deadline. If she hasn't told him, tell him yourself. Or maybe just go ahead and tell him yourself - especially if you don't care to keep her friendship. And about that friendship. I'd high-tail it out of there before it becomes even more of a disaster.
If I were in your circumstances, I would tell my brother.
littlek wrote:I think I'd give your so-called friend a chance to tell your brother and give her a deadline. If she hasn't told him, tell him yourself. Or maybe just go ahead and tell him yourself - especially if you don't care to keep her friendship. And about that friendship. I'd high-tail it out of there before it becomes even more of a disaster.
I dont want to keep her friendship at all acutally. She causes me a lot of grief and is the opitomy of drama itself. This is the most overly dramatic person I have ever met in my entire life. I don't know how to deal with her because I am not a dramatic person and I don't understand personal drama. I spend more time trying to avoid her than I do making plans with her. I have to hide anything I do that doesn't involve her because she wants to follow me to all the parties I get invited to, but no one wants her there.
Giving her a deadline sounds like a good idea but she won't do it. She hasn't told any guy she's slept with about it. She calls me up and asks me if she should tell the current guy she's doing about her herpes in which I always say "YES" and she responds by saying, "maybe ill just tell him after we do it." She doesn't have sex with condoms either! She spent the night at my house the past two nights in a row and last night after the fight, she slept in my brothers room. I don't know if they did anything or not but I let her know that things would be very different from now on if she did.
I don't agree with letting my brother figure it out for himself. I do agree with the fact that I think he thinks that she is ok because she is a friend of mine. But if he does anything with her and he finds out about her herpes he might turn on me and ask me why I would be friends with someone who had herpes or why would I knowingly let him and her hook up without telling him she had it?
Kitkat - tell your brother. Now.
Doesn't your brother have a live-in girlfriend?
kitkat_bar wrote: She hasn't told any guy she's slept with about it. She calls me up and asks me if she should tell the current guy she's doing about her herpes in which I always say "YES" and she responds by saying, "maybe ill just tell him after we do it." She doesn't have sex with condoms either!
That settles it for me. You're speaking of typhoid Mary here. Tell your brother immediately.
Sounds like you already know what you should do about your so-called friendship with her, her herpes, and your brother so just do it already. Don't really know why you're asking, or what you're asking for.
You say you don't tolerate that behaviour but you certainly have. Why do you think so little of yourself?
I would tell her straight up that I didn't want to associate with her anymore and I would block her number from my phones.
Noddy24 wrote:Doesn't your brother have a live-in girlfriend?
They just broke up like 3 days ago...which is even worse because now in order to get to him she's trying to go through me. I get texts from her all the time about wanting to talk to my brother and I just ignore her.
Jeez, girl, you got some of the smartest women on A2K saying "TELL HIM".
What more do you need?
Mame wrote:Sounds like you already know what you should do about your so-called friendship with her, her herpes, and your brother so just do it already. Don't really know why you're asking, or what you're asking for.
You say you don't tolerate that behaviour but you certainly have. Why do you think so little of yourself?
I would tell her straight up that I didn't want to associate with her anymore and I would block her number from my phones.
I know what I need to do but I don't know how. Do I just walk right into his room and tell him straight out? Do I lead in to the conversation? What if they have already done it? I have never had a heart to heart talk with him before. I mean...how do you tell someone that without scaring them to death?
Quote:I know what I need to do but I don't know how. Do I just walk right into his room and tell him straight out? Do I lead in to the conversation? What if they have already done it? I have never had a heart to heart talk with him before. I mean...how do you tell someone that without scaring them to death?
Its real simple, you walk into his room, tell him you need to talk to him and explain to him whats up. No drama, no bull.......just what facts you know.
Secondly, you need to understand that once this has been said,
this is his decision to screw up if he chooses to. If he's not man enough to protect himself from STD's, there is nothing you can do about it.
Scaring him?
Ask anyone here who has dealt with herpes for years and years and years, and then more years. Stop it with worrying about scaring him. Stop it with being shy. Talk already.
kitkat, I agree with everyone else that you should tell your brother about the herpes thing right away. The fact that your screwed up friend won't tell him just shows how self-centered she is.
I wouldn't worry about what the friend thinks -- because I'd dump her pronto.
kitkat, I hope you won't take offense to this, but I'm concerned about you. It sounds like you have a tendency to hook up with people who are abusive towards you. Didn't you post on here a while ago about an abusive husband?
I think you need to get some counseling and find out why you seem to attract these people into your life. If someone had treated me the way this so-called friend of yours has treated you, they'd have been history a long time ago.
Take care of yourself, kitkat. You deserve better people in your life! :wink:
Ye Gads, did I miss something?
I thought you said she was trying to "hook up" with your brother. That means SEX? (I thought she just wanted to go out with him)
I'm getting too old for this . . . .
Anyway, you MUST tell your brother.
You walk into his room and say, "Yo Bro, just thought I'd drop a dime on Lizzie. She's been around A LOT and has herpes. Just thought I'd warn you." and then walk about!! Let him and her work this out.
I'm getting to old for this . . .
SULLYFISH66 wrote:Ye Gads, did I miss something?
I thought you said she was trying to "hook up" with your brother. That means SEX? (I thought she just wanted to go out with him)
I'm getting too old for this . . . .
Anyway, you MUST tell your brother.
You walk into his room and say, "Yo Bro, just thought I'd drop a dime on Lizzie. She's been around A LOT and has herpes. Just thought I'd warn you." and then walk about!! Let him and her work this out.
I'm getting to old for this . . .
Lol, do I have to act like I'm from the hood too? j/k
Stray Cat wrote:
kitkat, I hope you won't take offense to this, but I'm concerned about you. It sounds like you have a tendency to hook up with people who are abusive towards you. Didn't you post on here a while ago about an abusive husband?
I think you need to get some counseling and find out why you seem to attract these people into your life. If someone had treated me the way this so-called friend of yours has treated you, they'd have been history a long time ago.
Take care of yourself, kitkat. You deserve better people in your life! :wink:
Not to mention her father, so I think you're right - she's attracting these sorts to her and is nowhere near assertive enough - or something. KitKat, you've asked for advice and received it, in spades. Are you going to take it? Tell your brother about the herpes and tell your friend to bugger off? Don't forget, we teach people how to treat us. I would have hung up on that cow the first time she tried to scream at me.
Mame wrote:Stray Cat wrote:
kitkat, I hope you won't take offense to this, but I'm concerned about you. It sounds like you have a tendency to hook up with people who are abusive towards you. Didn't you post on here a while ago about an abusive husband?
I think you need to get some counseling and find out why you seem to attract these people into your life. If someone had treated me the way this so-called friend of yours has treated you, they'd have been history a long time ago.
Take care of yourself, kitkat. You deserve better people in your life! :wink:
Not to mention her father, so I think you're right - she's attracting these sorts to her and is nowhere near assertive enough - or something. KitKat, you've asked for advice and received it, in spades. Are you going to take it? Tell your brother about the herpes and tell your friend to bugger off? Don't forget, we teach people how to treat us. I would have hung up on that cow the first time she tried to scream at me.
Of course I'm going to talk to him, I had every intention of doing that I just didn't know how. I will let everyone know how it goes.
As for the other issue of attracting myself to abussive people, I am completely positive it is true. But see, those people I am either pluetonically or physically attracted to/love don't start out abussive to begin with. It just seems that over time things start to get agressive and I am always the one being physically or mentally hurt by them. I never once in my entire marriage to my husband ever say anything close to the horrible things he would say to me, I didn't even think them.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace