Nightmare father.....

"But...no, nothing would have made my father feel better, but I could have borne him with more grace.

When the Lady Diane first met my father she asked him about any photos he might have (specifically including meself and my brothers when we were growing up) he responded to her that "NO he only had photos of people important in his life" and showed her photos of past friends of his that he no longer knew the names of and explained to her (Lady Diane) that he had trashed all the photos of his 4 sons (2 still living) I hear from him about every 2 years.

dlowan wrote:

"But...no, nothing would have made my father feel better, but I could have borne him with more grace.

I know, you're going to put this aside for a while. I'll throw this in anyway. So it's not so much about your doing more as it is about feeling better about what you did do. (Or a combination of the two.)

You felt what you felt. You did what you did in spite of what you felt. It takes a lot to do anything when you feel the way you did.

Every dealing I ever had with my mother left me with knots in my stomach and wild rage. I did what I could for her when she grew old. Hated and resented every minute of it. But I did it. I took her for a medical test. She felt I was interfering. Felt she was able to take care of herself and didn't need me bothering her. On the bus on our way back from the test she sighed and said, "I have so many nice things and no one to leave them to." She said this to me, her only child. Painful beyond words. Enraged beyond words. I did more for her, but as time went on , I did less and less. And I felt guilty about it, but I'd rather have the guilt than the pain. Some trade-off, huh?

I think you're being too hard on yourself. But you feel how you feel. I hope you find a way to come to peace with this.

Also, I'm with Tico and anyone else who thinks it's not really about your father.

Believe me, I know what the dreams are about.

Not saying there aren't things portmanteaued into it....but I know from the nub.

On the bus on our way back from the test she sighed and said, "I have so many nice things and no one to leave them to." She said this to me, her only child. Painful beyond words.

A lot has been said before, and I agree with most totally.

My problem with my father, when he was alive, was that I've been so similar to him.

My problem with my father, after he died 12 years ago, was that I'd missed all the chances I had got to talk with him.

But fortunately I quite fast accepted that.


I think that everone has her/his personal way(s) of dealing with such and similar.
But not everyone sees these ways.
You, Deb, don't belong to that group.
I'm more than sure that you solve this - on your own and/or with the help of others.

Roberta wrote:

On the bus on our way back from the test she sighed and said, "I have so many nice things and no one to leave them to." She said this to me, her only child. Painful beyond words.

Some people shouldn't have children, but I'm glad she had you, Roberta.