Can't you go to the source?
Not to sound like a poop but I would not put much faith in your sister's interpretation of events, unless your main objective is to interpret your sisters interpretation, and that's more like tail chasing than information gathering.
No accurate information = no accurate assessment.
Also assuming you do get accurate information and thus perhaps an accurate assessment, what do you plan to do about it?
If you are unable / unwilling to do anything about it, this may well simply be an exercise in frustration.
I don't even know the name of my niece's town. I haven't seen her since she was perhaps two.
I just sent my sister the following. I borrowed from other posters and copied one of my posts. Perhaps this will get her to dig a bit deeper.
Echoing some friends from online, "I was your mother in a previous life," is not Buddhism. It seems obvious they are dipping into more than just Buddhism. At the same time, it now appears they may be simply taking refuge from the world, much as some move to a religious retreat. After a time, it may run its course, depending where the search leads them. Perhaps not rejecting family, but keeping their distance.
It's hard to know if this is true or false. As I said before, if he is just doing this to get her alone, so he can abuse her, I wouldn't have any way to guess, either.
I think you are right to be concerned. Just don't know enough about them to offer any other thoughts.
Not to sound like a poop but ask yourself why you want to get involved and what you hope to gain / accomplish.
You are obviously capable of introspection, use that to perhaps save yourself grief, or at the least perhaps know what you are getting yourself into.
Knowledge is power.
This is a long distance intervention, if you can call it that. I haven't the money or other means to do a thing. Advice is all I have. I have not seen my sister all that often in the past thirty years. She was a kid growing up, with me away in the Navy and then roaming the nation. By the time I returned to Texas, she had gotten married and did not spend a lot of time in Corpus Christi, the place I was living. Over the past two years, we have been communicating more and more. I believe she values my opinions and I want to do my utmost to help.
Then if you feel it's worth your efforts, get as much information as you can before you give advice. Remember your sister is not necessarily a reliable / unbiased source.
Edgar--
All you can do is listen--and you listen well.
Perhaps your sister will catch on to the attractiveness of a listening ear and listen to her daughter.
The suggestions I have given are in the form of What ifs, not true advice. I have to keep "talking" to her, or I won't ever get enough info to give sound advice.
Latest from sis:
Like you said it's probably something else along with Buddhism their studying. I don't think he would be abusing her physically , I think it's more of a control thing with him. He has talked her into changing things that I would of never believed she would change. Right before I got out of her life she was complaining about some of the stuff he was making her change,I feel she's not really happy with him but he's got her convinced he's the best thing that could of happened to her.I really feel she's brainwashed. He had got all her other family members out of her life,then I was the last one,I know he was behind it all,but she doesn't see it. She is missing so much with the family,like the kids growing up and all.She never had any kids,wasn't able to. The grandkids all miss her and ask about her. What do you tell them? She has always been a family person,till he came around.I know it's making me sick to think I will probably never see her again. The guy is financially well off, his family is also. Maybe he looks down to us cause were not wealthy. I figure since he's from England his way of thinking is probably way different than ours. He is in his mid 40's. I hope he didn't talk her into moving to England with him......
Excuse the repetition but:
".....I would not put much faith in your sister's interpretation of events, unless your main objective is to interpret your sisters interpretation, and that's more like tail chasing than information gathering."
IOW I don't see anything you can assuredly hang your hat on, last post inclusive!
Thus edgarblythe, given the circumstances as you describe them, you could easily be "learning" much more about your sister than her daughter.
"Learning" in this context might best be described as a gentle euphemism, but you'd be a better judge of that than I.
Sometimes all you can do is listen and be supportive.
And sometimes that's all that's needed.
I'm betting you are a good listener, edgar.
Well, the sister may not grasp the connection between controlling and abuse, or, oft-time connection.
I'm all for your talks and listenings with your sister, edgarblythe. I know about cults sort of second hand, re friend of my husband's family, and am guessing this may be more of a one person control thing... but I suppose it could be otherwise. As I said earlier, I guess it could also be mom control, but it's sounding less and less like that.
Despite the troubles, I'm glad you and your sister are connecting more and more.
It sounds like this has been going on for awhile? She hasn't talked to her daughter for a year? Then, is your sister only talking about stuff from then? Or does she know something about what's happening now?
If it is from a year ago, why has it become such a big issue now?
Did she suddenly remember your budda-dabbling and is rehashing everything over your listening ear?
I dunno, but her daughter is grown. And has chosen to be out of touch.
There isn't much to be done about it... Unless the daughter is still in some contact.
And then all your sister can do is be as open and supportive and loving as you.
But I'm wondering if your sis has run out of people to listen to her wonderings and worries, and maybe that's why she is reaching out to you?
(Don't mean to be harsh or anything.)
ossobuco wrote:Well, the sister may not grasp the connection between controlling and abuse, or, oft-time connection.
I'm all for your talks and listenings with your sister, edgarblythe. I know about cults sort of second hand, re friend of my husband's family, and am guessing this may be more of a one person control thing... but I suppose it could be otherwise. As I said earlier, I guess it could also be mom control, but it's sounding less and less like that.
Despite the troubles, I'm glad you and your sister are connecting more and more.
I don't expect I can do much more than try to comfort her. She is really a decent, gentle person. I don't recall seeing her blow up at anyone or be aggressive her whole life.
Oh, I feel for your sister....
I know quite a few people (most of them well-adjusted and intelligent people) who have cut all ties and communication with their families because they became part of a cult. Lots of hindu cults believe in becoming a "sanyasi" and these people end up moving away from their families and limiting their interactions to members of their group.
Of course, there is no problem with Hinduism/Buddhism but there certainly are unhealthy cults/groups.
I could be wrong - but my gut feeling is that the problem is with your sister's daughter and not with the boyfriend. I knew a handome, intelligent guy who got into some kind of hindu movement and did not return home for 16 years. After he returned, he did not even want to discuss why he went and why he returned. He gave cryptic answers.
In my experience I've noticed that these people tire of all mumbo-jumbo (i was my mother's mother in my pervious birth etc) and return to being normal.
I wish your sister strength and peace.
