My Sister Needs Advice or Words of Comfort

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Early this morning, I got an email from one of my younger sisters. She mentioned that I had at one time been interested in Buddhism. She wanted to know my thoughts on it now. I replied that, first of all, I am not to be considered an expert. I painted a broad, admitedly suprficial) outline of what I thought about it. She replied with the following. If members will supply their comments and suggestions, I will forward some or all of them to her. (This is the same sister who asked advice about resisting urges to return to smoking). I mailed her an answer already, but, I am not always the smartest one to ask.

"The reason I was asking all this about buddhism is because my oldest daughter is claiming to be into it. It's her right to be whatever she wants to be and to think whatever she wants. My problem with this Buddhism is that it or maybe it's her boyfriend using it as a shield, anyways it's changed her personality or like I said maybe him hiding behind it. We haven't spoken in almost a year now. Someone or something has her convinced that "just because you are raised around these people that are your relatives don't mean you have to stay living around them or even stay in contact with them." That was the remark she made. She was a very sweet and caring person until she got with her boyfreind,who is from England.When they met they were married to other people,but they started their own little affair anyways.They both got their divorces and moved in together.They eventually started doing the Budda thing.And slowly all her relatives have been eliminated from her.No one has had contact with her since I have,ayear ago. I kinda think she's been brainwashed by him.She is a very intelligent girl(she will be 40 in Sept.)She put herself through college and became a computer draftman, making last I heard $65.00 an hour. I don't know what to think anymore,I feel like I will never see her again,in my heart I feel that way ayways. I really hope you don't think that I'm just a jealous mother who is making a mountain out of a molehill. let me know what you think no matter what it is,be honest ,ok?"

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Has your sister attempted to contact her? From the information that you have given, I really don't know what to think.

The woman is forty, certainly not a kid. If she put herself through college, and is holding down a responsible, well paying job, she is not stupid.

Is it possible that the woman felt that her family was dysfunctional, and had to distance herself from them? That is not unknown.

There are Buddhist cults, but I do not know much about them. IMO, the best thing for your sister to do is to attempt to meet with, and talk to, her daughter.

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I don't believe she knows the whereabouts of her daughter. In my response to her, I said that I don't consider Buddhism to be a culprit.

I personally feel that Buddhism is not the real issue. It's her boyfriend. Most Buddhists I have known are not in the habit of alienating friends from loved ones. He possibly thinks you and your friends and relatives do not live or think the way he wants himself and her to live and think. He probably expects he can instil his own culture in her, which he must believe is superior. Maybe blood will tell in the end, but, I wouldn't hold my breath.

I didn't mention that some manipulative, controling boyfriends end up abusing and/or hurting women. I will get enough responses and send them to her. She will perhaps respond with a fuller picture of the situation.

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Any religion that cuts people off from others (isolation), holds men above women and children in status (subjugation), or requires monetary sacrifices that injure the home life (Coercion) is dangerous and wrong.

If you suspect that your relatives are being drawn to this kind of religion, it is because it fills a need in them that they can't find elsewhere. You are not going to do anything about it and can't cure it. That's where they are, and while you don't agree with them, you can let them know you love them, no matter what they are "into."

Being Buddist is very trendy right now - especially on the West Coast. But don't believe everything they say, just watch what they do. Time reveals all.

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edgarblythe wrote:

I don't believe she knows the whereabouts of her daughter. In my response to her, I said that I don't consider Buddhism to be a culprit.

I personally feel that Buddhism is not the real issue. It's her boyfriend. Most Buddhists I have known are not in the habit of alienating friends from loved ones. He possibly thinks you and your friends and relatives do not live or think the way he wants himself and her to live and think. He probably expects he can instil his own culture in her, which he must believe is superior. Maybe blood will tell in the end, but, I wouldn't hold my breath.

I didn't mention that some manipulative, controling boyfriends end up abusing and/or hurting women. I will get enough responses and send them to her. She will perhaps respond with a fuller picture of the situation.

I doubt it has anything to do with Buddhism, too.

It does sound to me as though the man is potentially abusive.....often the first tactic is to isolate your partner from friends and family.

I think your sister can only continue to reach out from time in a positive way towards her daughter, if she can (letters, cards, phone calls???) without attempting at this point to extricate her. Just that she loves her, is interested in her and what she is doing and what her beliefs are, that she and family will always be there for her.

I think the aim is to let the daughter know that everyone is still there for her, that she can get help if she needs it, that she is loved, no matter what the boyfriend is saying, so that if things go badly wrong, or the daughter begins to miss her family, she knows she can count on them.

It might be worth your sister finding out something about real Buddhism. I don't know whether this man is just perverting Buddhist beliefs for his own ends, or if they have connected with some strange cultish offshoot of Buddhism, but it might be helpful, if her daughter DOES contact her mother, for the mother to be able to be informedly curious about whatever her daughter is being told.

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Hi edgar

I don't think that Buddhism is the problem, either. I have known a number of practising Buddhists & their religion is not about excluding others or operating in a cult-like fashion. Quite the opposite.

The problem appears to me (on the basis of what you have written) to be about your sister's daughter's relationship with this man (a most unusual sounding Buddhist, I must say! Surprised

) & also with her family. Perhaps she is reacting to what she perceives as family disapproval of her conversion to Buddhism?

Good luck!

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A bit more from my sister:

I never heard of any certain type of buddhism,just buddhism.They had a really big wooden carved budda sitting on their coffee table,they talked about not caring to be around people with negative vibes,they meditated,they listened to a lot of voice tapes of lectures on how to live a calm and stress free life,they turned to being vegetarians.She talked about in a former life of her being the mother and me the child. Maybe she don't want to accept reality,the real world..

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Perhaps it has nothing in particular to do with Buddhism or the boyfriend, but a realization that she finds dealing with her family stressful - and the boyfriend/Buddhism get the blame/credit for her standing away from a negative family she doesn't care to be around anymore.

Interesting how we all have different takes on it.

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edgarblythe wrote:

A bit more from my sister:

I never heard of any certain type of buddhism,just buddhism.They had a really big wooden carved budda sitting on their coffee table,they talked about not caring to be around people with negative vibes,they meditated,they listened to a lot of voice tapes of lectures on how to live a calm and stress free life,they turned to being vegetarians.She talked about in a former life of her being the mother and me the child. Maybe she don't want to accept reality,the real world..

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It sounds like mother & daughter have very different ideas about "reality", edgar.

And definitely about how they want to go about living their lives & what each wants from life.

I wonder how the daughter would respond if the mother calmy accepted her new religion? Or expressed a genuine desire to know more about it?

I'm beginning to wonder whether, as ehBeth said, if the boyfriend has anything to do with the problem, really. Perhaps the mother sees him (& his religion) as the cause of her estrangement her daughter? Perhaps there's more to it than that?

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I don't put this onto Buddhism, unless there is some version of it I am unaware of.

It occurred to me it could be a controlling boyfriend, and also occurred to me, what ehBeth said, a woman who is undergoing personal change, finds family stressful and possibly obsolete to her new thinking, and doesn't wish to engage.

This is not all that uncommon, but often occurs in one's adolescence or twenties.. Not the change so much, as the seeming rebellious behaviour.

Family members often take different philosophic/religious modes, but with time can still talk about it, or not talk at all about it, but be glad to see each other.

Or not.

Instead of railing against buddhism, I think your sister should, oh, never mind should.. could ask things out of interest, without condemnatory tone - maybe she'll learn something good about buddhism, good about the daughter, instead of wrenching bad news. Or, yes, the guy could be a controller. Even both things could be true at once.

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The bad vibes thing isn't Buddhism, it sounds like new age dippy hippy ****...as is the "I was your mother in a previous life".

But...IS your sister intolerant and negative as a parent, do you think, Edgar>?

Does she expect her kids to follow in her views etc?

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There's that.. mother could be a controller, or the controller, without the selfawareness of it. The girl may be flexing her fingers at forty.
Hard to tell from here.

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I just walked into this this evening. I need to sort things out a bit. My sister's story, as it becomes fuller, has morphed and may continue on that route for a time.

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dlowan wrote:

"I was your mother in a previous life".

I've never heard any Buddhist talk in this way.
I wonder where that came from?

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msolga wrote:

dlowan wrote:
"I was your mother in a previous life".

I've never heard any Buddhist talk in this way.
I wonder where that came from?

Sounds like new age crap.

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It seems obvious they are dipping into more than just Buddhism. At the same time, it now appears they may be simply taking refuge from the world, much as some move to a religious retreat. After a time, it may run its course, depending where the search leads them. Perhaps not rejecting family, but keeping their distance.

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Edgar
The boyfriend is behaving in the same manner as two things to be worried about.

Cults: they always want to isolate their members from the rest of society.

Male Abuser: He will always want to seperate his woman from her family and other people. She will think it is love, but it is control leading to physical abuse.

In both cases, the warning signs are evident.

BBB

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Edgar--

How are your sister's listening skills?

I don't think she has to espouse her daughter's views of the universe, but I'm betting if she listened and asked factual questions that the feud might heal.

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Hey edgarblythe,

It's impossible to know what's going on when the chain of information is fourth hand speculation, in combination with (at best) vague personal dynamics.

Get hard data?

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My sister's skills at communication are not so great. I have to get it from her a bit at a time.

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My Sister Needs Advice or Words of Comfort

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