Need advice! I'm married, had an affair, considering divorce

Welcome to A2K! Most of us here on A2K speak plainly so don't be offended if you read some advice here that comes bluntly but sincerely.

Ever hear the expression 'the grass is always greener'?

More than likely, if you lived with and/or were married to the other man, you'd have a different set of limitations and happiness and unhappiness. The perspective you have is always different because you are in the marriage and you are experiencing some growing pains. Commitment takes time and effort and sometimes there's pain with some sacrifice along with the growth.

The good part I see is that you ended it. Keep it ended. It's not fair to anyone..not even yourself. Seeing this man will only cloud your mind. It's like being drunk and for a while you're still intoxicated.

Learn and strive to find ways to fix and nurture the marriage you are in NOW. That is why you got married---to nurture each other. You weren't tricked or forced into marriage, were you? Did your hubby not do everything in his power to do the right thing by you? Did he not dedicate himself to you? Does he try to please you sexually..emotionally?

No? Then why not try counseling? Initiate and engage him in meaningful intimate discussions about your mutual needs. Listen closely to his, too. How do expect to be happy if you don't give you husband the chance to try to answer what needs you have that made you want to stray to this other man? Suppose he cheated on you -- wouldn't you be hurt ..perhaps destroyed? Is that what he deserves?

As for your lover doing anything for you, why doesn't he try doing the right thing...and let you work out your marital problems without interfering. (Yes, speaking on the phone is still interfering.) The truth is that he suffers from the same poor judgement and selfishness that you do. (Sorry but I warned you.)

Work on your marriage EVERY day. Good marriages just don't happen on their own.

Life is just not like the fantasies that exist in the movies!

And finally...

Grow UP!

You don't need advice. You need a kick in the ass.

You're obviously dissatisfied with the relationship you have with your husband. Have you talked to him about it? What changes do you see in your marriage that would make you happy (or at least happier)? Are they reasonable? Are they possible? If not, then quit beating yourself up and move on. If so, then it will take both of you to make it work. Who knows, maybe he's just as dissatisfied with your relationship as you are.

Sorry, I was rude.

kerben- Welcome to A2K!

Marriage is a process. Unlike the movies, "happily ever after" needs to be worked and reworked, negotiated and compromised.

If I were you, I would tell the lover not to call me. If he persists, change your number, and get an unlisted one. What he is doing is confusing the issue.

Young couples often go through tough adjustments with work schedules. It won't be that way forever, and if you love each other you can deal with it.

I am sure that the infertility is causing a lot of stress. That just may be a good thing. Until your relationship stabilizes, IMO it would be a disaster to bring a child into a problem marriage.

Have you considered marriage counselling? That may be all you need to get back on the right track.

phoenix: out of curiosity. Not being critical...did you happen to see my response? Just wondering.

Ragman- Yup- And I agree with you. Just wanted to put in my

Thank you everyone for your blunt and honest responses. That is one of the reason why I chose to post on this site rather than others. I do need a kick in the ass.

You know something ironic? I will be deployed (though not in the military) to Iraq in the next few months. Maybe someone will kick my ass there and take all this pain and misery away.

You have a lot going on in your mind and on in your life. Maybe counseling can help you sort this out?

However, something concerns me is about your plans to try to become pregnant and also your impending deployment. Hope this works out for you.

Such a lot of decisions and potential added major psycholgical distressors. Want to discuss this more here?

Kerben--

Welcome to A2K.

We've had a lot of threads started by Wandering Wives lately. You thread stands out because you've taken action to end the affair and you accept responsibility for starting it.

Good for you.

How old are you? How old is your husband? This is early days in your marriage--why are you sure you have fertility problems?

True dat!

decide on divorce first
I would imagine you should take this in two steps. The first one is, do you want to divorce your husband? If your lover was there, would you want to divorce him? You shouldn't divorce him because there seems to be someone better that available immediately. You should divorce him because you don't think you should be married to him anymore. Spend some time alone and then get together with someone. Because let's face it, if you're married now and found someone "better", what's to say that you won't get married again and find someone "better." How is the way you felt about this guy different than the way you felt about your husband at the beginning of your relationship? Sue [edit: link removed by moderator]

I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday. I am trying to be cheerful, but it is hard to deal with all that I am dealing with.

I actually volunteered to go Iraq. I've wanted to go ever since the war began, but at first, I was afraid. Then, I met my husband and wanted the relationship to work. After we got married, I wanted to have a baby quickly (since I am in my mid-30s). Well, after almost a year and a half of trying, I am giving it a break. I am tired of the pills I'm taking, of timing intercourse at the right time of the month, all the doctors' appointments have made my marriage extremely fragile. Since nothing that I planned have worked out, I thought I would continue my career, which requires I go to Iraq for a few months a couple of times a year.

I fully understand that my leaving Iraq might bring harm to myself and my marriage, but I feel that I need to get away to think. Maybe I'm acting out. Maybe I started the affair because I feel like I am trapped. I'm beginning to think that I might be depressed. But God help me, I cannot take any more pills than I currently am.

Anyway, thank you so much for allowing me to write on this forum. I really have no other avenue to let my feelings out.

Kerben

Do Husband a favor
Do your husband a favor and leave! If you couldn't stay faithful for a year, you'll probably cheat again. Once a cheater always a cheater. This may not be the "feel good" response you wanted, but it fits. If his only sin was he "worked around the clock", you are much better off than a lot of wives. He tried to support his family, and you decided to support your lusts.

Shawanga, does your bitterness here have something to do with your own marriage situation?

kerben, I wish you a peaceful holiday and an easier New Year.

Shawanga,

Thank you for your post. It's hard to get the whole story out in a few lines of text. My husband worked, and continues to work around the clock because he wants to. He loves his job. I can't fault a person for loving what he does. At the same time, it has come at a cost . . . our spending time with each other.

Would you believe that I make enough money to support both of us?? I have suggested that he quit his job and start a small venture of his own. I would rather see him bust his ass on his own company than working to death to make some one richer.

So, I am in the position to financially take care of my husband, if he chooses not to work. But he doesn't.

Thanks for your input though. And of course, I reserve the right to disagree with you that a cheater is always a cheater.

Hi Kerben, Happy Holidays!

I'm thinking a bit about someone who works around the clock as someone who COULD want to avoid a relationship. There has to be some sort of balance no matter how much they love their job.

Please ignore most of Shawanga's advice. It's just plain mean-spirited and won't help you with your situation. It clearly shows bitterness.
I'm hoping Shawanga will recant after careful consideration. All people make mistakes and as such deserve a chance to prove themselves worthy of love.

Regarding the advice "Once a cheater always a cheater":
Many years ago, I made the mistake of cheating while in my marital separation. I spent the next 2 years working things out but in the meanwhile I made a few lives, including my own, far more complicated than need be. the point is that I made an error and learned from it and never made that mistake again. I had successful committed relationships afterward.

Shawanga: Just a suggestion but before posting on A2K particularly in the Relationship forum please think a bit more about your responses. Try to realize that your responses might be considered by people in need as very harsh and judgemental. Why not spend some time reading the other responses on A2K and notice the careful consideration most give to others in often times desperate situations.

Also, while you are undergoing your own emotional turmoil, try to work out your own feelings toward relationships first before offering advice. Your objectivity is not there and your bitterness shows.

Successful marriages are about compromise and hard work and not about snap decisions based on self-interest.

Kerben--

Perhaps time out is a good idea.

Marriage does not seem to have changed your husband's way of life and a physical separation--without overt malice--might be good for both of you.

Have you see the recent research about diet and fertility?

http://www.newsweek.com/id/73354

I stand by it
Yes, I am nowhere near impartial on this subject, but don't all of us bring our pasts with us when we enter here. I can't separate what I feel by why I feel that way. I just know that is how I feel. It has been my experience that once a "cheater always a cheater". I will entertain the possibility that I might be wrong, but I don't feel that I am.