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Thu 29 Nov, 2007 11:15 pm
Reminds me why I left in the first place.
I moved out in 2003 to go to college. I graduated this year and had to move back for two reasons. One is that I left my husband and two is because my mother is sick.
My dad asked me to move back in and stay until at least the begining of the year. I agreed becaused he really needed my help. He told me not to take any jobs because he needed me to stay and help out with my mom while he was at work. I am her personal choffer. I take her to the groicery store three times a week, I take her to the gym three times a week, I take her to get her nails and hair done, I take her to the mall, the cleaners, and anywhere else she needs to go. He is helping my to pay my bills and helping me through a divorce.
The problem is...is that I never get along with my dad. We are both exactly the same. We both think we are right and think the other is wrong. We are both stubborn and refuse to see the other persons side and we can't understand why I won't understand his side and he won't understand mine. We usually agree to disagree because nothing gets solved. He won't convince me and I won't convince him. I don't act like this because I'm a brat or anything. I act like this because that is how I was raised. He has acted like that to me my entire existance and that is the only way I know how to speak to him. He is the only one that I act that way with. I am very understanding of all other people...just not him.
We have been keeping it cool with each other because our fighting stresses out my mom and if she stresses she could easily become ill again. He knows this and he uses the fact that she can't handle stress as a weapon against me. If things start to get a little heavy and we start to go at it, he will use her illness against me by allowing himself to say whatever he wants to about me and if I try and defend myself he will tell me, "you're stressing out your mother and she doesn't need that right now." So I shut up and he continues saying whatever he wants to me.
Tonight he used her against me again! He started telling my mom that we aren't doing anything for christmas this year because he doesn't want her to travel anywhere. I asked my mom, "so, what did the doctor say about you traveling?" I tried to ask her three times and every time she tried to answer he would stop her and say, "we aren't traveling anywhere and that's final." I started to say, "I realize that, I just simply wanted to know what the doctor advised on ANY traveling." To which he replied, "We aren't traveling anywhere. We are not having this discussion with you, I don't need to explain anything to you about what the doctor says. You are creating stress by continuning this conversation so drop it!"
He won't tell me what is going on with my moms illness. He won't tell me what the doctors are saying. He won't let my mom talk to me about it either and he has the last word on every subject, thats final. I wasn't trying to argue with him and I understand that everyone is under stress. I don't know how much longer I can stand living here but my mom needs me right now so I am trapped. Everything I say turns into a fight with him. Every time I ask about what the doctors are saying he tells me it's non of my business and he doesn't have to explain anything to me, but God Damn it...I have a right to know! She's my mother and I should have every right to know what is going on.
I don't feel that it is right to shut me out of her medical life. I don't feel that it's right to use her illness against me so that he can have a single sided argument with me. Part of me feels its not worth it because I won't be here for much longer and I don't want to stress out my mom. But another part of me is angry that I have a 21 year old brother who my dad let's get away with murder, who is a real jerk to everyone, who does what he wants when he wants, who spends all day smoking pot and doing other drugs in his room while playing video games....I just don't understand why my brother can do all of that and my dad barely says anything about it, but I get into huge fights with my dad because I ask a few harmless questions about what the doctor says about the progress of my sick mother.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm really sorry you're going through all that, kitkat... that sounds very frustrating. I don't know what you can do about it, either. (Sounds like he's related to that guy on here who posted a thread about women not knowing their duty.) Do you think the arguing is stressing out your mother? Is there somewhere else you can stay that's close by so you can still run her around?
I wish there was another place I can go. It's not that I like arguing with my dad, it actually makes me quite sad and depressed. I hate that feeling more than anything. I am not entirely sure if it makes her stressed out to see us fighting but the fact is...is that it shouldn't have to get that far. My dad doesn't put anything delicatly. He could have just said to me, "you know, we really shouldn't talk about this now. Maybe we could bring it up at another time when I am ready to talk about it." But no. Everytime he talks to me its like he's putting me in my place. I'm 24 years old, have been out on my own, been married, graduated from 2 colleges and high school, and now have been divorced...I don't need to be put in my place like I'm 10 years old again. Instead he says things like, "I don't need to explain myself to you" or "this is none of your business". I personally like to know the answers to questions I have. So, when I get treated like a child and not as a 24 year old, I feel offended and I tend to defend myself.
Kitkat--
You're driving your mother here and there, hither and yon. I assume that your father is not with you on these trips to the beauty shop and the grocery store and the mall.
You could talk to your mother then.
Why do you insist in questioning her in front of your father when you have all these other times to talk?
Are you seeking confrontation?
Noddy24 wrote:Kitkat--
You're driving your mother here and there, hither and yon. I assume that your father is not with you on these trips to the beauty shop and the grocery store and the mall.
You could talk to your mother then.
Why do you insist in questioning her in front of your father when you have all these other times to talk?
Are you seeking confrontation?
No, of course not. I hate confrentations, especially with my own family. The reason I don't speak with my mother is because she is ill. She doesn't fully understand what is going on with her. Her memory has been affected as well as her speech. Even if she could remember she couldn't tell me about it because she can't get the words out that she wants to and it ends up frustrating her. If I want to talk to her about it, I ask her really simple questions, nothing too complicated or hard to talk about. Secondly, once my dad gets home he never leaves her side so it is more difficult to ask him when she isn't around. Thirdly, he thinks every question I have is somehow a far stretch way of telling him he is doing a crappy job of taking care of her. I can't ask anything about what the doctors say without him thinking I am critisizing him. I can't just ask, "what does the doctor say about mom traveling" because he thinks I am trying to take his control of the situation away from him if he admits the doctors say traveling is ok.
Depending on who I'm talking to and what information I want out of them, I change how I'm asking...
If your dad thinks you are confronting him or challenging his position, how about asking him in a different way.
Every family has it's little dialogs. Most of them aren't good or healthy.
Change the dialog.
Find a time alone with him.
Start with empathy. Tell him that you understand how hard this is for him.
Give him praise. I think you are handling it very well.
Get him talking, then say, I'm really glad that I can be here to help, it means alot to me. I'd like to understand what's going on.
Ask questions when he seems receptive.
Don't argue with him.
This is as hard on him as it is you. It might be even harder on him.
Put yourself in his shoes.
Tell him to kiss your ass; he's the one that wanted you there so he needs to make the adjustments to make living there possible.
Start looking at the employment section when he's around.
I hate bullies.
She's really only there for her mother, though, who needs her. She's between a rock and a hard place and it sounds like he won't adjust.
He's getting free or nearly free care for his wife.
Kitkat gets what? Room and board?
Parents should provide long-term support for their kids. Kids should help out during emergencies, but should not be asked to sacrifice for the sake of the parents. Their obligation is to sacrifice for the grandkids, when and if there are any.
Ask him for a salary. Tell him getting yelled at is not part of your job description.
Quote:Thirdly, he thinks every question I have is somehow a far stretch way of telling him he is doing a crappy job of taking care of her. I can't ask anything about what the doctors say without him thinking I am critisizing him. I can't just ask, "what does the doctor say about mom traveling" because he thinks I am trying to take his control of the situation away from him if he admits the doctors say traveling is ok.
You know KK, not often enough do we realize how we come across in conversations with people we love. Sometimes we are taken the wrong way even without meaning too...
Is this how you feel about it deep down inside? Maybe you resent being there and playing chaffuer to your mother, and are looking for a confrontation with your father/brother/his girlfriend to justify your actions enough for you to leave?
KK, as long as I've known you on this forum, you haven't been happy. It's time for you to find that happy place in your life and stay there for awhile and understand what it feels like.
Is your mother getting medical help?
A nurse or day care worker coming to the home?
You ALL need to sit down and get a plan, since this sounds like some kind of dementia or Alzheimer's symptoms going on.
Do you know your mother's diagnosis?
You certainly have every right to know and you need to gently ask Dad to sit down and discuss WHAT is going on and HOW you can help.
If he refuses to do either, time to leave. But be sure to tell your Mom's Doctor why you are leaving the home.
My mom suffered from some seizures and at first the doctors diagnosed her with a brain tumor. Once she started going in to be tested on a regular basis they changed their diagnosis and said she had a stroke. She can't drive because the DMV has taken away her licence because of the seizures. I am really trying to be as non selfish as I possibly can. I look at the bright side and see that I have free room and board, free food, and I tag along to things they pay for. I have put my entire divorce on hold until she is taken care of. It's not that I want to leave or anything. I do plan on leaving at the begining of the year so that I can get my own place. It's not that I feel the need to be appriciated or anything and my dad does tell me how greatful he is that I am there, I just think him taking out his frustrations on me is completely un necessary and can be prevented.
Your right KK, it those we love we seem to hurt the worse. Try to take the good with the bad, atleast he is telling you that he appreciates you and loves you.
You're putting your divorce on hold? What excuse is it now?
I know your family has troubles, but putting this off is a questionable move.
Most of us have watched you shine on shaping up for years now.
I try not to reply to your threads, as my patience is shallow. I'll keep trying.
1. Your dad is not being fair to you.
He asked you not to get a job, so could look after your mother.
This way you might be looking after your mother for the next ten years, and then what?
You sit there with nothing.
I think you need to get yourself a job (at least a part-time one) for your future, for your self-esteem, and for your independence.
Your dad can look after your mother, too, or he can get professional help.
2. From your post it sounds like you are making life more difficult for yourself than necessary.
You ask your mother all the questions your father does not want you to ask right in front of him.
Somebody already mentioned, that you have enough time with just her, you don't need to ask her in front of him.
And if the questions are exciting her to much, they are no better with you dad aggravating things further.
Take your mother to a nice and quiet place and have a long chat with her.
Check out, how she sees things.
She might be ill, but I suppose she is not stupid and understands what's going on around her.
3. Why do you need to go shopping three times a week??
I try to shop every other or third week for all things that last, and then once a week max for fruit and vegetables.
Make things easy for yourself where possible!
4. What does your divorce have to do with all this???
ossobuco wrote:You're putting your divorce on hold? What excuse is it now?
I know your family has troubles, but putting this off is a questionable move.
Most of us have watched you shine on shaping up for years now.
I try not to reply to your threads, as my patience is shallow. I'll keep trying.
Are you joking me? What is my excuse???? Gee...I don't know..maybe the fact that at any moment my mom can go into a siezure causing her to lose more of her memory and completely have to start over with her speech therapy that we have been working so hard on might have something to do with it. I just walked in the door from getting back from the hospital. I just rushed her over there today just in time to prevent another seizure that would set us back 56 days. Please...spare me from having to listen to more of your bull **** on how stubborn you think I am and think I don't take anyones advice because that's exactly what it is...bull ****. I have had to make some pretty difficult life changing decisions in the past few months and I am going through a lot. I left my abusive husband, I'm living back at my parents house, my mom is sick in the hospital, I have no money to my name and no job. I am driving my mother around everyday to do errands. I have to be here everyday to make sure she doesn't have a seizure. If I have to put aside my life for hers then so be it. I am doing the best I can. I left the bastard didn't I? What more do you want from me?
Bohne wrote:1. Your dad is not being fair to you.
He asked you not to get a job, so could look after your mother.
This way you might be looking after your mother for the next ten years, and then what?
You sit there with nothing.
I think you need to get yourself a job (at least a part-time one) for your future, for your self-esteem, and for your independence.
Your dad can look after your mother, too, or he can get professional help.
2. From your post it sounds like you are making life more difficult for yourself than necessary.
You ask your mother all the questions your father does not want you to ask right in front of him.
Somebody already mentioned, that you have enough time with just her, you don't need to ask her in front of him.
And if the questions are exciting her to much, they are no better with you dad aggravating things further.
Take your mother to a nice and quiet place and have a long chat with her.
Check out, how she sees things.
She might be ill, but I suppose she is not stupid and understands what's going on around her.
3. Why do you need to go shopping three times a week??
I try to shop every other or third week for all things that last, and then once a week max for fruit and vegetables.
Make things easy for yourself where possible!
He isn't asking me to stay forever and I am not planning on it either. He is asking me to stay till the und of the year. The beginging of the year she should be doing just fine is what the doctors are saying. He just needs some help over the holidays because he has to work and my mom needs to be monitered. I am not trying to make my life more difficult. Just because drama finds you doesn't mean you went looking for it. My mom says that everything happends for a reason and I believe it. She got sick the day after I left my husband and leaving him was the only way I could be with her and help out. My parents count me leaving him as a blessing and so do I.
KitKat, does your mother qualify for medicare or medicad? If so, you should look into getting her a home health aide. If not, you might want to consider going back to work and paying for it out of pocket. I think you would be happier going to a job each day and paying someone to take care of your mother instead of the current arrangement. Even if you only break even on the deal, you will at least have some free time to get your own life in order and not worry about your mother being left alone.
Green Witch wrote:KitKat, does your mother qualify for medicare or medicad? If so, you should look into getting her a home health aide. If not, you might want to consider going back to work and paying for it out of pocket. I think you would be happier going to a job each day and paying someone to take care of your mother instead of the current arrangement. Even if you only break even on the deal, you will at least have some free time to get your own life in order and not worry about your mother being left alone.
Thats a good idea. I really want to go back to work. I know my parents can't afford anything like an in home nurse. My mom can do everything on her own except for drive so all I really am doing is babysitting. The problem is, is that the line of work I have chosen for myself means I will be on location. I went to school to be in the movie business and so that means that any job I take is a full time job in itself. I can't do both. I can't both have a career and take care of my mom. So pretty much where I am at is taking care of my mom until the end of the year and then coming up with some other kind of arrangement for her.
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