So Fisticated French Humor

Contrex is an Englishman (only) living in France. So don't knock the French!

Yes. I live in Perpignan but I was born in Camberwell, London, and I lived in Dulwich, Croydon, Derby and Bristol until my job brought me here a few years ago. I might move to Spain next year.

Contrex has perspicacity but also a tendency to jump the gun, from my sampling.

You be okay re sophistry, bear...

no, no, I'm kidding. You don't do sophistry that I've ever noticed.

But the French, what do I know? a complex place with dense history, much for me to learn about. I'd love to spend a couple of years there..

I listen to Francis here, and also to d... ack, I am forgetting his name, a fellow who lives in a banlieu..

the french are a particularate, just as we are, a place of individuals, far as I can tell.

Ooops, I missed this was in humor/

What does a 14 year old English girl say after having sex?

"Get off me daddy, you're crushing my fags."

Did you hear, the English have found a new use for sheep: wool.

Well, bear, this is a sophisticated bit of French humor:

Three young French boys peeking through the keyhole of a bedroom door watching a couple engaged in love-making.

Six year old observed. What are they doing, fighting?

Twelve year old observed. Non. They are making love

Sixteen year old observed. Oui, and badly, too.

Radical Edward is French and a musician as well.

well I sent apologies to francis.....

my sincere apologies for mistakenly taking Contrex for a frenchman

here is a joke more representative for you Contrex......

Why is the head of a man's penis wider than the shaft?

Italy has funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over 180,000.000,000 lira.

The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect.

After three years of research and costs in excess of 250,000.000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the English decided to conduct their own study. The English didn't really trust the Italian or French studies.

So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of approx £36 the English study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

just SEEING this thread made me laugh.



sof-ister-kated in deedy

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

I AM AMERICAN...

I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally well-liked.

I don't live in a clean place, I don't eat nutritiously very often, and I don't drive well.

I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg.

Although I'm certain they weren't American.

I drink beer.....not good beer. I don't use utensils when eating.

I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions.

And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack

...until I go anywhere, and what's the point in doing that.

Burger King IS fine dining. Cracker Jack IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real.

The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world,

The FIRST nation of ignorance, and the BEST part of South America!

My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray...

...AND I AM AMERICAN!

American-bashers are so tedious, and not either very bright, or well-informed.

Il y avait un homme qui a entré un ascenseur, et il a trouvé dedans une femme jeune et belle. Un peut après, il sentais quelquechose de vraiment sale. I donnait un souris à la jeune femme. Avec un froncement de sourcils, elle s'est retournée le dos.

Il a dit: Mademoiselle, quelle pétulance!

Monsieur, il ne faut pas me toutoyer!

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb in Paris?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the funny local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

actually contrex I am distantly related to Shakespeare through marriage.

I am familiar with both Da Vinci and Gutenberg.

I am a vegetarian and take excellent care of myself, practicing good nutrition as well as holistic and herbal preventative regimens. I also exercise regularly.

I haven't had an accident in 25 years and I drive constantly as part of my career.

I don't drink beer and have a pretty good laymans understanding of wine.

There is no WWF... it is now WWE. Do try to keep up.

I don't have 2 surnames... my middle name is Morse... after Samuel FB Morse, inventor of the Morse code and an Uncle several generations removed.

I don't use the word ain't because I was raised in a household where grammar and the use of "The Kings English" were paramount. My mother is from Ayr and Glasgow. My paternal family came from Salisbury and trace their ancestry back to land owners in the Essex region of England.

No thanks is necessary to me as an American for intervening in that little conflict in the 20th. century so that you can attempt to be condescending in English rather than German.

It's the least we could do after taking your Kings money, coming over here and then just keeping everything and kicking the **** out of your effete limey asses. :wink:

Thanks for all the great rock bands. You can keep the inbred horse faced monarchy.

Should you decide you'd like to make up, as a peace offering may I send you some modern dentistry?

France did send Inspector Clouseau to Iraq to help with the inspections. Know what he found?

20 more votes for Al Gore.

which of course was enough to make bush invade....since no WMD's could be found....

Now that was wickedly funny!