married to a marine in iraq... temptation is great!!! help!!

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I am married to someone i have been in an off-on again relationship with for the past 3 years. We have had a very rough ride, between him getting another girl pregnant, him getting put in jail for some things, getting shipped to korea, morocco, and now iraq. I have never cheated on him or so much as really been interested in anyone else since the day i met him. He has always been the owner of my heart and we have been married now since march 07. Only problem is, we havent "lived" as a married couple. Our whole marriage has been deployment so far. Okay so here is the issue

I met a man i thought i would not like. I was hanging out with some friends and he was just there one day. He was physically attractive but i didnt think i would like him. Now fast forward a month in advance. I find myself amazed by his intelligence and ability to make me smile and laugh and etc. Now i am a very idependent person, and i dont need a man to keep me from being sad, etc, but with my husband gone this last month has been especially hard and lonely. Well this new man i met is someone i really wish i had met 3 years earlier in my life in hindsight. He is everything i looked for in a person and he is 100 percent DIFFERENT than my husband. He is much more like me personality and habit wise and i am intrigued.

We have kissed and cuddled on the couch one time. I have been afraid to persue the relationship further because of guilt, confusing emotions, my husbands reaction, and a lot of other things. However i find that i want to give myself to this man and be intimate with him, not just for sex but because he has shown me a way of caring i havent experienced from anyone before, not even my husband.

I feel like a slut but i dont know why i am having all these feelings. I never cared for anyone else but who i married and now! help!

I am a 20 yr old female.

Please, any advice is greatly appreciated

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You are very young to be married in the first place. Often we don't know who we are or what we want until so much later in life, so it is not surprising that you're experiencing this.

My advice is to stop cuddling with someone not your husband and put some distance between you.

Please sort out your relationship with your husband first... it's the honourable thing to do, and you do want to have integrity, don't you? That's why you're here, isn't it?

Clean up your marriage or clear it up. But don't go into another relationship with baggage from your first one, and don't dirty up your present one.

After that, it's clear sailing.

Does this help?

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it does help, but i am still unclear in how to proceed with my husband. I love him very much, but this time apart has already made me see things with clear instead of rose colored glasses. I do feel like its not fair to cheat on him when he is just doing his job by being deployed... but at the same time i have no idea how to leave him if thats what is going to happen. He depends upon me because im the only person in his life that loves him without passing judgement. he has hurt me many times in the past and i have always tried to forgive him and move on with our life. But its hard to love him because he is a very hard and independent person. i feel emotionally empty with him gone, and i am really looking for just a friend. I aggree i need to distance myself, but i am so sad being all alone. I also moved to another town and im 45 min to and hr away from anyone i know, and i think thats why i am having a harder time with this than i thought. i am just very confused.

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You may be depending on this new fellow out of your loneliness. Why not get involved in something, take some evening classes or volunteer, perhaps?

The main thing is to be honourable. What your husband did to hurt you in the past has no bearing or relevance on your behaviour. You don't want to be a cheater, do you?

When your husband comes home you can discuss your thoughts and feelings with him; until then, I think you should find some friends and not see this other fellow again.

I repeat, you are very young. Too young to be married (IMO) and too young to start a cheating life. Don't do that to yourself.

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There are counseling services and support groups for military wives. Have you looked into any of them?

This website seems to have lots of good links: http://www.armywifetalkradio.com/affiliations.shtml

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Sounds to me like you aren't in love with your husband any more.

Being apart is hard but real love keeps us from cheating on the person we profess to love.

I am not saying that you are a bad person and definitly not a slut but you do sound young and confused and frankly, not happy in this marriage. How can you be? It's just you. He probably feels the same way (maybe worse because he's not even in his own home)

I suggest you stay away from this other guy until your husband gets back. Then, give it a few months with him home before deciding whether or not you want this marriage to work.

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Boomerang arn't you something. "What a wonderful thing to do for this young lady."

I read her post, scratched my head, and then shook it. Young, vulnerable and lonesome with a lot of questions and doubts.

I thank you.

Sg

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No, thank you, sglass!

My brother has been in the military for 30 years. His wife is often called on to act as a sounding board and friend to young, lonely wives who are struggling with their husband's deployments.

I don't think bravelywounded's story is uncommon at all.

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bravelywounded -- welcome to A2K. please check out the link boomerang posted. I'm sure they've heard similar stories to yours many times over.

I will add one thought and it has nothing to do with the questions you posted -- You don't say how much longer your husband will remain overseas. When is he expected back?

Whenever that is, if you are having doubts about your relationship and your feelings about this man, do everything necessary to prevent an early pregnancy after he returns. I think it's natural to be swept away by the emotions of the reunion and many women get pregnant during this time. You're very young. There's plenty of time to have a baby. Getting pregnant with these questions in your mind and heart would not be advisable and could potentially result in your being a single parent on top of everything else.

You're not a slut. You're lonely. You're new friend is involving himself with a married woman which gives me a bit of a pause about him, but that wasn't your question either.

Are you living on the base? Are there other military spouses that you can hang out with? It must be hard to be young and alone. Find things that keep you energized and entertained that don't include other men. Once he gets back you can look at your relationship with a clear conscience and determine what is truly best for your future.

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I appreciate all the adivice i have been given here. He wont be home for 4 1/2 more months. Also no i am not living on base, i am no where near any other marine wives, and i am just kind of floating around. You are all right- i DONT want to be a cheater. I have never been that type of person but i also have never been the type to get so bored and lonely when my other is gone. I am used to him being gone or being busy with his job; i thought i could handle it and its part of why we got married. I may be too young, age wise, but i have been through some situations in my life as well as with my husband that most older adults never even have to worry about. I love my husband very much. I do want to be a good wife and not a cheater. I just want to find a way to make myself better as a person right now. Do any of you suggest talk therapy, maybe to a counselor or someone unbias? My friends dont understand and honestly i have not told any of them about this event with another man because i dont want #1 my husband hearing something from someone else not me, and #2 i dont want them to have the wrong ideas about me as a person. I do have some things to do while my huband is away- school and i started a new job last week. Maybe that will help.

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Therapy is a good idea, it's an unbiased, objective person you're talking to who presumably doesn't have an agenda re marriage, etc. So that can't hurt.

Another thing is simply to find other people to hang around with. Female people. Older male people who do not attract you sexually. Child people. Etc. You get the idea. Some of the intensity comes from just being with another person. Even if you're not "meant" to be together or whatever, it all gets magnified because it's being reinforced with a continual presence. Break the chain and do something else, go somewhere else, be a different way. I am not saying that that will solve things or even anything but a little distance from this guy can give you some perspective. You may find that he's just been kinda handy to have around, and you would have latched onto anyone who paid you some attention and was around. Or you might find it's more than that.

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bravelywounded wrote:

I appreciate all the adivice i have been given here. He wont be home for 4 1/2 more months. Also no i am not living on base, i am no where near any other marine wives, and i am just kind of floating around. You are all right- i DONT want to be a cheater. I have never been that type of person but i also have never been the type to get so bored and lonely when my other is gone. I am used to him being gone or being busy with his job; i thought i could handle it and its part of why we got married. I may be too young, age wise, but i have been through some situations in my life as well as with my husband that most older adults never even have to worry about. I love my husband very much. I do want to be a good wife and not a cheater. I just want to find a way to make myself better as a person right now. Do any of you suggest talk therapy, maybe to a counselor or someone unbias? My friends dont understand and honestly i have not told any of them about this event with another man because i dont want #1 my husband hearing something from someone else not me, and #2 i dont want them to have the wrong ideas about me as a person. I do have some things to do while my huband is away- school and i started a new job last week. Maybe that will help.

Of course. Therapy is always a good idea, for all the reasons Jespah mentioned.

As well, though, getting involved (volunteering, working, activities) will also help as it takes up your time and gets you thinking about something other than your situation.

If you volunteer, you are focussing on someone else's problems, not your own. This doesn't mean you bury your head in the sand, but it does take the focus and attention off Mr. X and your husband.

Try retirement homes, Food Banks, Salvation Army, etc. Go to your local hospital and see if you can do something there. There are many opportunities to volunteer and not only do you give something to others, you get something from it so everyone benefits.

If that doesn't appeal, get a job, or another one, so you're not obsessing about Mr. X. Put the issue aside and look at it in a week or so, having had no contact with him in the meantime.

Write out a list of what you love about your husband and your marriage and look at it several times a day. That may sound silly, but it might help you remember what you're doing and that you're a married lady for a reason.

Just some ideas.

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Bravelywounded--

Therapy doesn't mean that you're crazy. Therapy means that your life is complicated and you need to talk your problems over with someone who is completely objective.

The marines may be making a man out of your husband, but when he comes home he's going to have a great deal of adjusting to "normal" married life. In fact, from your description the two of you have never had a chance to live "normal" married life.

Four and a half months is not an eternity--although it can seem like an eternity when you are young and loving (and horny). Being without your husband and family over the holidays is not going to be easy for you--unless your holiday season has always been a lonely hell.

I agree with the excellent advice you've been given. Keep your self respect. Keep yourself busy. Keep venting.

Hold your dominion.

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well so far i have done alright. I have told "mr.X" that it is killing my conscience and i dont want to have anything to do with him right now. My best friend is also very supportive of me and has been trying to spend more time with me so i dont feel so lonel anymore. Yes i know 41/2 mo is not that long but it does seem like it is much longer when you have to mark days off a calendar. I cant wait to go to therapy about this so i can really talk this out with someone. No, my husband and i have never experienced "normal" life as a married couple so i am hoping that its not gioing to be a diaster trying to live with him when he gets back. But i guess that is a chance i take.

i guess i will keep on thinking how nice it will be to have my husband say my name and kiss me when he gets home and everything will be okay.

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Bravelywounded--

You're showing good sense.

Don't focus on 4 1/2 months all at a stretch. Take it day by day and week by week at a time--and keep yourself busy. Time will pass.

Talking to a therapist is an excellent idea. You mentioned in passing that you have had a complicated life. If you can put your past in perspective, your future life--and your marriage--will be a lot easier.

Let us know if we can help.

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Something else you can do in the meantime is become a regular member of A2K, I promise you these ladies in here are sincere and will do their best to lead you in the right direction if you will allow them too.

I don't envy you one bit, I know its hard on you being alone & feeling alone, we've all felt that at some point in our life; even those of us that are married with husbands at home.

Just take it one day at a time and focus on each day presented to ya as it comes. And then when it doubt, log on in here....talk, scream of you need too.......someone will be here to pat you on your back and talk you through it.

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Being married to a deployed soldier myself, I know what you are talking about!

However, you married him, knowing about his job, and that the US army is not in the least interested in family matters.
For them, the job comes first, and then anything else.

YOU ACCEPTED THIS BY MARRYING HIM (I know what I am talking about!)

Secondly, you married him, knowing that he is a cheater and hurt you before. So obviously, you were prepared to live with his character.
So it is not fair to hold that against him now!

And thirdly, kissing and cuddling with another man...
You don't have to worry about cheating on him in the future, the cheating has started already!

Other than that, I agree with everything said before me.

And as for wives of other soldiers:
I am not living on base, either, and I am not really interested in meeting other wives just for the lack of something better to do.
I do have quite a full schedule, as it is.
But I always get invitations to all kind of stuff.
Maybe check your husband's team out, you could be put on an email list, so people keep in touch with you!

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Re: married to a marine in iraq... temptation is great!!! he

bravelywounded wrote:

I am married to someone i have been in an off-on again relationship with for the past 3 years. We have had a very rough ride, between him getting another girl pregnant, him getting put in jail for some things, getting shipped to korea, morocco, and now iraq. I have never cheated on him or so much as really been interested in anyone else since the day i met him. He has always been the owner of my heart and we have been married now since march 07. Only problem is, we havent "lived" as a married couple. Our whole marriage has been deployment so far. Okay so here is the issue

I met a man i thought i would not like. I was hanging out with some friends and he was just there one day. He was physically attractive but i didnt think i would like him. Now fast forward a month in advance. I find myself amazed by his intelligence and ability to make me smile and laugh and etc. Now i am a very idependent person, and i dont need a man to keep me from being sad, etc, but with my husband gone this last month has been especially hard and lonely. Well this new man i met is someone i really wish i had met 3 years earlier in my life in hindsight. He is everything i looked for in a person and he is 100 percent DIFFERENT than my husband. He is much more like me personality and habit wise and i am intrigued.

We have kissed and cuddled on the couch one time. I have been afraid to persue the relationship further because of guilt, confusing emotions, my husbands reaction, and a lot of other things. However i find that i want to give myself to this man and be intimate with him, not just for sex but because he has shown me a way of caring i havent experienced from anyone before, not even my husband.

I feel like a slut but i dont know why i am having all these feelings. I never cared for anyone else but who i married and now! help!

I am a 20 yr old female.

Please, any advice is greatly appreciated

Here's my opinion on this, and it is likely going to be different from the other replies...

I would never take a man seriously who had cheated on me, esp getting another girl pregnant. To me, this is a deal-breaker and I would call the relationship off. And getting put in jail? Nope. Deal-breaker #2. There are so many other men in this world and so many relationship experiences to have, and even a better man for you out there than your husband. And at your age, you should be exploring these opportunities, not settling for a cheater. He will continue cheating on you; he has probably cheated while overseas several times.

If I were you, I would contact your husband, tell him you can't take your relationship with him seriously anymore, and that you are going to explore other options while he is away.

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Bohne wrote:

Being married to a deployed soldier myself, I know what you are talking about!

However, you married him, knowing about his job, and that the US army is not in the least interested in family matters.
For them, the job comes first, and then anything else.

YOU ACCEPTED THIS BY MARRYING HIM (I know what I am talking about!)

Secondly, you married him, knowing that he is a cheater and hurt you before. So obviously, you were prepared to live with his character.
So it is not fair to hold that against him now!

I disagree; she has the right to change her mind at any time, especially on the basis of a new standard.

Quote:

And thirdly, kissing and cuddling with another man...
You don't have to worry about cheating on him in the future, the cheating has started already!

Kind of. She is thinking about this man, but she hasn't yet decided to pursue him. She definitely should contact her husband first, however, if she decides to pursue this man.

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Hmm... this sounds a lot like my crazy situation. I wish i could give some advice, but i am at a loss on my own. I would at least make sure that you made yourself happy first. I wish i had had that realization a long time ago, rather than always putting someone else first like i am prone to do. Good luck.

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married to a marine in iraq... temptation is great!!! help!!

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