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Mon 12 Nov, 2007 11:18 pm
This kind of episode I'll describe is routine throughout life, but can throw people at odd times, and cause what may seem weird behavior.
Our experiences vary, but people who have been able to pay attention gain some texture of experience that makes up a complicated part of their sense of selves, over the years of their lives.
I just caught myself composing an inmind letter to the doctor I saw today.
It was a follow-up check up to a first appointment at the University of New Mexico Cancer Center.
I had originally gone to UNM about my ## eyes, and that has all worked out, but decided to see if I could be seen at the UNM clinics otherwise. As I had bc in 2001, I wondered if they'd see me, and I could have a mammo and get checked. I did, was, said fine'd, and told to come back in six months or thereabouts, which was today.
By this time, he had re-reviewed the chart notes my surgeon had sent - I knew the first time I saw him he'd seen the notes seemingly on the run, for which I don't complain - he was looking pre seeing me for big flags.
Today he cleared me to be checked at a clinic I already go to but am not yet seen much at, with the admonishment that I am fractionally more apt to get another ca than the next woman, but not a revisit of the 2001 one. (I knew this already, but good to hear, good to hear.)
My point is not about the practice of medicine, but about the need for each of us to have people know us.
I'd like that man to know about my years setting up labs, even one that was a forebear of a major lab (it evolved without me), my appreciation for a past uni med center, and then to say...
But, no, I won't do that.
Again, this is not about my med date, but the need to explain ourselves.
Not that many years ago, I was too busy to worry about any explaining of myself, except maybe at some get together of people in my field, standing with a plate of danish meatballs and hummus/pita and a cookie.
I am getting at opening up interest in who we all are, with a certain emphasis on older assumed-to-be static folks.
And, of course, from older, to younger.
I think a whole lot of people are never asked much about themselves.
Medical offices and clinics have good reason to not fill out personae for all individuals in their care, aside from the forms, but, in regular life, how many people do we let go unattached through the day....
ossobuco
I would like to respond. I have to get off line right now so it will have to wait until tomorrow. The reason I made this post was to let you know I read it and plan to post again.
Nods, Tth.
Tth, that's a nickname for TTH.
I understand.
And this post makes me think. How many people do I treat like this....I wonder. I'm not a doc..but in regular life.
Some of my comment may have to do with aging folk 'dismissed' in daily life, but that's not how I meant it entirely. Assuming people are assignable packages is part of how we get through a day. I know a lot of us do talk at least fairly straight with others of varied ages.
Just saying, I think there are still many unasked out there, across generations.
I tend to be a less vocal person which makes me a very good listener. I'm one of those people that has compassion for others as a caregiver. I do my job well. Sometimes in the healthcare field its best to get through an invasive procedure with less distractions.
But when bringing a patient into the exam room we sometimes have a few minutes to chat before things get rolling. Some of my co-workers who are more chatty have brought out some very interesting conversations with some of our patients. It's amazing to hear the backgrounds of some of these people who otherwise you would never have known.
So from a health care provider, I must admit that you do see a person in front of you and focus more on the reason of their visit. But in casual conversation we meet a lot of interesting people. If I were more open and less shy, I'd probably have met a lot more interesting people.
This is one of the few times I disagree with Osso.
I've had a number of invasive medical procedures over the years. I want to be treated like an intelligent human being with a good working vocabulary to discuss my various ailments.
I do not want manufactured interest in my life.
Small talk, fine. The world runs on small talk. We can talk about the weather or traffic or restaurants or.... I'd just as soon we didn't talk about my past or my private life.
Mr. Noddy loves telling medical personnel--including the guy pushing the gurney--all about himself and his life including some very private bits. I cringe and make excuses to leave the room.
There are medical personnel I think I could be friends with--but I don't want a psudo-intimate conversation that will not be retained.
Medical issues aside,
I tend to be a very blunt, vocal person. When questioned , besides a few secret skeletons, I will tell someone anything they want to know and emphasize it with an eyeroll or total total dismissal if they tend to judge me for the things I have done. I dont have time for those people.
This often makes me come across as a real hardass, and in some cases people see me as arrogant.
Since I know that isnt me, I dont give a damn.
But over the past year or so, I have begun to really question this aspect of myself and wonder WHY I have no problem telling people things about me that may or may not have any relevance with what we are discussing, or any impact on the reationship I may have with that person.
And I think it all comes down to the fact that I dont want people questioning my "out of the box" decisions, judgement, or comments.
It is a way for me to define myself with bricks so you dont try to move me later on.
A bit forceful I guess but it gets me what I want
I think I understand Osso's point.
And I think it is all about the value of, and search for community.
We live in an increasingly anonymous world, and there is less civility because of it. In past eons, we would be treated by doctors (and grocers and mailmen and mechanics, and...etc., ad nauseum) who knew us...who knew who we were, where we were from, and what we had done. We trusted their judgment in many cases because they knew us.
Without that familiarity, how do we know if these people really know what's best for us? They know nothing about our lives. The doctor who treated our mother and father before us knew more about us before we walked in the door than any internist could possibly know nowadays after reading the family history section of our admittance form.
I could go on and on. This is a favorite soapbox speech of mine, so I will resist the impulse to ramble.
Yeah... one of the earliest comforts of Abuzz/ A2K for me was the feeling that people actually knew me. That feeling of being known and understood helped me when I knew very few people "IRL" (due to a recent move and wrangling a new baby), and the fact that smile-and-nod is my default mode when I'm meeting hearing people. Sitting there impassively doesn't work -- people stop looking at me, and it becomes even more difficult to follow the conversation. But typically, in those situations, I'm unable to catch the actual words yet, unable to really contribute. I can pick up moods and react accordingly (that was sad so look sympathetic; that was mildly funny so smile...)
So I'm stuck with smile-and-nod while I gather information (about their accents, their speech patterns, their sense of humor, what they're likely and unlikely to talk about). It takes a while to get to the point where I know people well enough that I can just be myself (depends a lot on circumstances -- groups are always worse than one-on-one), and coming home after a smile-and-nod session I always feel crappy. Always feel like the impression I've left is of someone who is nice but not that bright and rather bland.
So it helped, in those phases (had one in Chicago and then again when we moved here) to come here and feel like myself for a while. Restorative.
listening...
Well, on the doctor, I had this fleeting urge hours later, when I knew it was unlikely I'd see him again, at least for a while - and even if I do ever get carcinoma again, he might be retired, as he seemed in his seventies...
to send him a thank you note, mentioning in there somewhere something about my former association with the medical field. It wasn't that I expect a physician to ask probing questions about my or any other patient's life, past any medically necessary questions re health lifestyle - quite the contrary. Just that I had the fleeting urge to be known, and started musing about that.
On questioning other people in daily life - I usually don't do that. I tend to wait for people to tell me what they want to. But I do have one friend that - for whatever reason, perhaps the example of her mother before her - tends to "hit" people with questions, and has a lot of interesting conversations because of that tendency. She's a nurse, as it happens.
My musing took me to thinking about people whom nobody asks how they are, meaning the question. (I don't mean myself - plenty of people ask me how I am, meaning it.)
The way I am here is the way I am in real life. Sometimes I do the most stupid things and I admit it. I can be a real idiot and sometimes I can be smart. I am shy but IRL & here I will talk to anyone. In doing that I have had the opportunity to meet people most others don't usually get to meet.
I tend to just say or post what I am thinking. I can delete the stupid posts but, why? I'm not perfect so I don't pretend to be.
However, I do know my mailman, the clerks & manager at the grocery store & the cute UPS guy. If I need a favor they will go out of their way to accomadate me when they can.
Most of my neighbors work and they like that I am home during the day. That way I keep an eye out on their houses. I do respect their privacy and they know that so I don't pry into their private lives. A guy who used to live across the street from me was a celebrity on tv. He traveled a lot and appreciated that I kept on eye on his house.
The long term members, like the ones who have posted here, I do respect you. I have probably learned something from each one of you and this is my chance to tell you that. I tend to flirt with the guys. For all I know, the person may be a female. I just do it in fun and I have told them that.
Medicine isn't what it used to be.
Medicine or doctors? Either way, you got that right.
I do think that doctors have a better bedside manner these days though.
Doctors--especially the young whippersnappers--tend to be less GodLike in their professional personal.
Of course, doctor's now say, "I don't know" more than they used to, but maturity means living with uncertainity.
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