Widower having a relationship with a widow

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Hi,

I have become a widower in August. Lisa died of breast cancer after battling with it for almost five years. We had almost 7 years of a fantastic relationship filled with a lot of love and respect for each other's individuality.

I know in my heart I still love her very much and will always have fond memories of the good times we spent together.

I have recently been on an away weekend with other members of a foundation for Widows/ers in the UK and met someone who I started speaking and seeing. Both of us didn't want to be involved in a relationship this soon but somehow we did and it was great for a couple of weeks.

After these initial 2 weeks my newly found lady friend asked me to go a bit slower and to stop seeing each other. We don't even talk on the phone any more. Just the odd text here and there following my sending of flowers or an enquire as to how she is doing.

She has 2 young kids. One is still a baby. My kids are older and do not live with me.

I really like her and we have a lot in common not just the fact we've both lost our loved ones. There's also a lot of chemistry as we found out the first time we met. All this has happen without neither of us wanting it. It just happened naturally which was really good for both of us.

I'm still sending her flowers, and sending the odd text to see how she's doing when I feel I'm worried enough to do it. I want to wait and see if we can restart this thing we had going on.

I'm still relatively young and so is she. I think we both want to be happy again and be able to see the end of our lives together.

I don't want just the dating and am not a womaniser. She hasn't seen a man for almost a year now since her husband died.

I want to try and make this to happen as I do think she's wonderful and I do really want to be with her. Having said that however I find myself in a situation I never envisaged me being in and therefore am confused and afraid. Afraid of committing myself too much in case I get hurt or not enough and loose her for good.

I was hoping I could get some advice and guidance from others who have been in a similar situation and have somehow managed to deal with it one way or another.

Thanks,
Joao

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She's wise to put on the brakes. 3 months seems hardly enough time since your wife's passing to start getting so serious about someone else.

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jmedeiros- Welcome to A2K!

I agree with eoe. I think that your friend is a very wise lady. The fact that you met in a widows/widowers group tells me that your friend has still not resolved the death of her partner. You on the other hand, have been grieving for five years.

Stop sending the flowers. It may make her feel nervous. Apparently, she is not ready for a serious relationship. If I were you, I would leave her alone for a bit, so that she can work things out without feeling pressured.

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jmedeiror -- Welcome to A2K and please accept my condolences for your loss and the long struggle preceding it.

I agree with the others. If a man who had buried his wife a few months prior started coming on strong to me I would run as fast as I could run. You may feel ready for a new relationship but I doubt you truly are.

Your kids don't live with you. You're alone for the first time in 7 years. It must be very different. My advice would be to become comfortable with who you are as a single person before you think about being part of a couple, particularly with a widow with very young children.

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Thank you Eoe and Phoenix for your replies. I've just send her another bunch of flowers! Damn... Am I that stupid?

I want to to give her the space and time she asked for but I'm new to all this and it is not like a normal dating/relationship thing so I'm also learning.

I was never good at the wait and see kind of game. I know there's a lot of chemistry between us and we both felt very comfortable with each other for at least 2 weeks before she asked me for a break.

I guess what I didn't understand is to separate the physical attraction to the emotional side and the memories she still has so vivid of her husband in her mind.

With me it could be that I've probably endured that pain for longer and became emotionally available sooner than she has. Or maybe I just want to move on and be happy again.

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Thanks for your words JPB. My lady friend new about me and how long for before I got to become a widower. It's not that I have mislead her on that matter. We both new what we were getting ourselves into before we started seeing each other. Prior to that we were talking on the phone for over 3 hours every night.

I know I have to wait and I will for as long as it takes (or I'm told otherwise) because I do care about her.

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No, I wasn't inferring that you misled her. It's precisely knowing the closeness of your loss that would trigger concern. It takes time to heal wounds -- hers and yours. As you've said, she needs to adjust to her own loss before getting serious again and she probably feels that you haven't had time to adjust to yours. Regardless of the mutual attraction, I would think you were on the rebound if it were me.

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What about the chance factor here? We didn't plan this and neither of us wanted to even consider the possibility of meeting someone else. I had just spent almost 3 months sat at home looking at pictures and feeling sorry for myself - with the occasional trip down to the shop to get some milk - before I decided it was time to get out and meet people I could talk to.

I loved my wife for seven years and had to wait for almost 20 years before I met someone like her. I will always love her and she will always be in my heart for as long as I can remember. But - and there's always a but - I am still young and want to be happy again. Not miserable, I think I've had enough of that already.

I don't believe people should throw away chances of being happy again (especially from my point of view) and I don't think life throws that many chances at you.

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It's entirely possible that she's feeling shell-shocked from all the attention. She's grieving, has small children (one a baby), and knows that you suffered a tremendous loss this summer. Have you mentioned spending the end of your lives together to her? As to the chance factor -- that's generally where rebound relationships begin.

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jmendieros, please don't be offended but most people in a rebound situation don't realize it. Please take your time and allow others to take their time as well. What you're feeling now may not be what you're feeling six months or a year from now. You've been through alot. Give your heart a rest.

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We haven't gone that far. We were just enjoying each other's company very much and yes talking about things we both would like to do together. Weekends away and things like that.

I remember she saying to me that she wanted to spend time with me first and then bring the kids in. I love kids although wouldn't choose to have any more now so I was feeling very comfortable with it.

What do you mean by "that's generally where rebound relationships begin"? I thought rebound was only intended for when you loose someone you loved but is still alive? I have accepted the fact Lisa is gone and I will never see her again for as much as I wanted to.

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To rebound is to bounce back from a loss. Doesn't matter how the loss occurred.

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I thought I knew all about that... I want to wait and give us enough space and time to sort things out - problem is I just sent her flowers and I feel it may be seen as a form of pressuring her into making a decision!

Am I right in assuming that and what can I do to put it right? Stop sending her flowers to start with?

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Re: Widower having a relationship with a widow

jmedeiros wrote:

I'm still relatively young and so is she. I think we both want to be happy again and be able to see the end of our lives together.

I don't want just the dating and am not a womaniser....

This is what I noticed from your first post. It looks like you are looking for a long term relationship. She hasn't been with anyone since her husband died. She may be looking to finally get out of the house and slowly start thinking about a future. There's no time table for grief. She may want to proceed very slowly.

I don't think rebound relationships are restricted to a situation where the other partner is still living. One of our most respected posters here oftentimes says that a new committed relationship should have a two year window from the end of the previous one to know that it isn't a rebound There are no absolutes of course, but two months is a whole lot shorter than two years.

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Quote:

Am I right in assuming that and can I do to put it right? Stop sending her flowers to start with?

Yup! She does not need the stress of knowing that you are so enamoured of her at this time, and constantly breathing down her neck.

It is possible that she was enjoying your company, but then became concerned when you displayed too much ardor. She probably was not ready for it.

I have mentioned this before, but you were not around when I did. I live in a 55+ community. I have observed many deaths of spouses. It is far more common for a widower to latch on to another partner, (often to their regret) shortly after the death of his spouse, than vice versa.

If this woman is right for you, the relationship will happen. I think that it is unwise for you to push it. She needs time and space to get to the place where she is ready for a new commitment.

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Well I just got the news today that after all this time she's not ready to have a relationship. I can understand and after all in my heart I knew it was coming.
My lady friend told me she would like to keep in touch but would understand if I rather not. Is that a polite way of saying she's not interested?
I just would like to hear your opinion and advice on this.

Thanks,
Joao

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Yes, it means she isn't interested in a romantic relationship. She is willing to meet you occasionally for coffee or maintain occasional contact by email or phone but is not looking for romance.

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I knew that was coming but I needed to ask. I have made my intentions clear and replied back saying whatever comes I'll take.

You know it's like a part of me wants it to be so over and done with and the other half is still hanging on to every word and trying to read in between the lines stuff that ain't there!

I'm not very good at this am I?

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You're lonely..... It shows.

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Jme--

Quote:

I'm not very good at this am I?

Not yet.

Furthermore you need to practice being single before heading into a serious relationship.

Your wife died after a long illness and you could rehearse being a widower while she was still alive.

All the same, rehearsal in privacy is not the same as a performance in public.

Your lady--or the lady you wish were yours--has enough good sense for both of you right now.

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Widower having a relationship with a widow

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