Marriage quagmire -- need objective advice

What about what behaviors she can do to help you to keep your trust?

I don't know. I could just be in a cranky mood

She needs to respect you and you need to give her space.

I'm wondering if you are keeping the apron strings on her too tight, and she's rebelling. I'm thinking that we aren't hearing the whole story....

Does she have a problem with alcohol? Or does she just become too friendly when she drinks? Both of these reasons would be good reasons to say that you would prefer that she doesn't.

I can soooo understand you!

As far as I am concerned, it is not up to you to now trust her blindly, but up to her to show she deserves this trust.
TRUST ME OR I'LL LEAVE is not the proper way to achieve this in my eyes.

Just wanted to offer my sympathy.

short and simple: You might want to consider leaving this marriage as she cheated on you once, regardless of all else that transpired. You have a tangible REASON to mistrust. Marriage vows aren't just to be followed when it's convenient. She broke the vow by going behind your back. Now, that would be forgivable, but you are the one that has to dig down deep and LEARN to trust her again. But I'm sensing that she may be looking to gain control as she seems to earning more money and feeling more powerful with her job/etc. I have gut-sense about this. Other may feel differently and will make their comments.

I really don't like her, "trust me or get out", attitude.
She broke the trust. She needs to work on being trustworthy as well as you need to just believe and trust in her.

A dissenting opinion here: we don't have any notion from mochit as to the conditions under which he and his wife reconciled after her first "dalliance" with another man. I would assume that mochit didn't declare that he would never trust her again, nor do I think that she would have agreed to stay in that type of situation. Granted, she has given him ample reason to distrust her, but his opportunity to end the relationship because of that breach of trust was when he discovered the dalliance, not 2-3 years later. If he agreed to continue the marriage, then he also agreed to trust his wife, at least on some level.

And now Wife is saying "trust me or get out." That actually sounds like a perfectly reasonable choice, given the circumstances. She is in a career where she meets lots of men. She is also in a marriage which would, frankly, be intolerable if she felt that she was constantly under suspicion for meeting those men.

In any relationship where one partner cheats, the other partner has to make a decision: continue the relationship or end it. If you continue the relationship, it can't be on the same terms as before, since there will always be that breach of trust in the background. But if you continue the relationship, it must be because you want the relationship to continue. In other words, you want to remain your wife's husband, not her parole officer. That requires trust, even if it is a Reaganesque "trust-but-verify" type of trust.

If you don't trust her at all, mochit, then you indeed need to "get out," not just for your sake but for hers as well. If, on the other hand, you're interested in keeping your marriage, then I suggest you do as your wife has suggested: seek counselling. You need to understand how you can reconcile your misgivings about your wife's faithfullness with your desire to maintain your relationship with her. If you can't reconcile those things, then that's your problem, not your wife's, and you need to address it.

Your wife may be feeling frustrated at your lack of trust, but she also needs to acknowledge that her behaviour was the initial cause.

It's so difficult to give advice when you can't see, speak with, and don't know the people involved... I really think a counselor would be best for you.

Trust is so important in a relationship, and when it's been eroded, the relationship is endangered.

Please do yourself a favour and see someone.

All the best to you. It's awful being in that space, isn't it?

Evidently both you and your wife are growing and changing. More importantly each of you seems to be redefining what you want in a marriage, what you expect of a spouse.

I join the chorus of "Recommend Counseling" I'm betting that each of you came to the marriage with considerable baggage and after four years each of you are absolutely convinced that you have a right to unpack that baggage and include it in the marital decor.

Right now with the open baggage spilling everywhere, each of you seems to be married to a stranger.

This won't work.

Mochit--

" Baggage" is the sum total of emotional experiences and disturbing memories that you carry with you through life.

One spouse is always on time. "Punctuality is the courtesy of princes."

The other spouse is frequently late--and doesn't care.

The two of them will quarrel about when to leave for social engagements, but underneath that conflict are the unspoken "why's" .

Perhaps each spouse is following family tradition--or one or both of them are rebelling against family tradition.

Did your mother work outside the home? Did your wife's mother work outside the home? Did you have an outgoing sister who seemed to be your parents' favorite? Was your wife eclipsed by a brother, simply because he was a boy?

Visualize the proverbial icebergs.

All the best to you. It's awful being in that space, isn't it?

If you don't trust her at all, mochit, then you indeed need to "get out," not just for your sake but for hers as well. If, on the other hand, you're interested in keeping your marriage, then I suggest you do as your wife has suggested: seek counselling. You need to understand how you can reconcile your misgivings about your wife's faithfullness with your desire to maintain your relationship with her. If you can't reconcile those things, then that's your problem, not your wife's, and you need to address it.