On my own for the first time...

I'm new here so I'll just say that sounds like a bad year. Hope things get better.

I just found out what Wii is recently. Don't blame you for taking it. Maybe the boxing game will pay off if he tries to rough you up again.

Hang in there Kit Kat, wishing you the best and your mother good care. Don't let him boss you around, you should be able to keep what you took until your lawyers help you agree on how to split things.
Make sure that while you are caring for your mother that you take care of yourself too.

You are not on your own!
You have your family, your cat and your dog!

Very glad to hear, you finally removed yourself from your bad environment...

I am so sorry about your mom. Your parents are very lucky to have you around.

What a jerk the jerk is.

Note: he doesn't want the dog. He wants some way to keep in contact with you. Stop that now.

Have no contact with him except through your lawyer.
Tell dad, thanks, but, you can handle this.

Inform jerko by email that you will have no further contact with him except through his lawyer, then block him from your email.

Prepare to get a restraining order. Get one if he murmurs one threatening word. Find out how now.

My best wishes for the recovery of your mom

and your life.
Joe(My thought are with you.)Nation

Kitkat- Joe has given you some wonderful advice. If he keeps on bothering you, I would certainly go for the restraining order. If he has been violent in the past, there certainly is potential for him to become violent again.

I think that you have done a very brave thing. Hang in there, girl.

I'm with Joe Nation on this one.

Sorry if this is going to come out harsh, but ...

This is not amateur hour. This is separation and, most likely, divorce. It doesn't mean little niggling side agreements and maybe I'll give you the dog on the weekends and Dad will do the talking for me (BTW, Dad has his own emotional agita going on so that is affecting him in all of this, too). Instead, it should be talk to the hand.

And, better, of course, talk to my lawyer. It's time. I know you're busy. I know you've got plenty of emotional stuff happening right now. Wouldn't you prefer having a professional handling things so that you wouldn't have to? Yes, I know they're expensive. Get to Legal Services. Find out what you can afford. Your mother is very ill -- tragically so -- but you are not in it 24/7, at least not at this stage of things so you can do it.

Your husband is needy and manipulative. Joe is absolutely right. He does not want the dog; he wants to keep a tether on you. Don't let him do it. You have enough crap to worry about in your life without also tending to the manchild.

If a lawyer is absolutely, positively not in the cards -- and don't just dismiss it out of hand, consider the situation carefully and as unemotionally as you can -- get yourself an arbitrator and get your marriage sundered that way. Make it very clear to either kind of professional that you want out with the least amount of afterwork. Be prepared to negotiate. The division of property that you one-sidedly decided upon may not hold up. Or it might. But being in fake-o half-limbo not-married-but-not-legally-separated-and-not-going-anywhere is not a good situation to be in for long, particularly with a violent husband. Give this guy an inch and he is going to continue to take miles. Don't let him back in.

Best to your mother, and you.

Joe and the two posts that follow, say it very well. Until you take the steps they suggest, it will never be over.

Thank God she finally got away from the abusive creep. Yes, do what the other three posts advise and get a protective order.

Well, you know what I think, I've probably posted it twenty times.


At this point, I'll say GO READ JOE NATION"S POST, ending up with Roxxxanne's, which I also agree with.



I'll add that inaction is no answer and has not been, the years we've talked with you.

Please be in contact with a Women's shelter of some sort and hurry up. Whether you live with them or not, you could be helped by talking with them, and having a recourse - but more for their expertise, if not from the person at the front desk... though, perhaps.

Thank you all for your posts. I have done a whole lot of growing up this year and some say I have gained a spine because of it. I will try my best to solve this without the use of a lawyer but I will absolutly go to one the second I hear harsh words from him. So far his emails have been nothing more but sorrowfull and almost pleading. I do not fear the dog being with him because my father has my husband on a tight leash figuring my husband needs my dad in order to keep his job. My husband is on a very thin wire and he knows not to mess with me or my dad or he would soon find himself jobless and moving back into his own parents house. My dad has been talking to him at work on behalf of what he thinks is best for me and my mom and that is basically to tell him his problems are petty and meaningless compared to ours. I have complete faith that my dad will take care of things for me...I just can't do it on my own. I am starting to become ill. I can't seem to get myself to want to eat anything, all food makes me nauseous and it's been this way for alomst a month. I don't feel depressed though so I don't know what is wrong with me.

Stop it.

You've gotten more than harsh words.

Go to a lawyer, or at the least a shelter to get an some attorneys' names and introduce yourself.. You don't have to stay there, thought that may be very smart, but you need that as a recourse and you need their advice since you don't seem to listen to us. You don't need to listen to them either, but they will probably have useful information that you can have at hand while you do your 'one more time' to see what he says thing'.

Do not loll about waiting for your father to redesign your husband.

O dear!

From your last post I get the impression that NOTHING has changed!

Do you see yourself as that little kittiecat with the big innocent eyes?
I am starting to think so!

Your daddy will take care of you?
Maybe it's time that you start taking care of yourself!
Your dad will not always be there for you!

Stop babbling, stop fooling yourself!
Stop pretending to be weaker than you are!
If you do not want to listen to good advice (and believe me, I know how hard it is, while you are still hoping for a different outcome!) stop asking and get on with your life!

Continue the Decision to Leave
Firstly, apologies for butting in (as a new poster) but I think I have relevant experience and really want you to get the good life you deserve (and yes, you deserve it).

You have gotten very good advice already, but it is very hard to make decisions when you are in the midst of it all.

Please see a face-to-face counsellor. Please get objective people, who are caring, in your life to help.

The fact that you are not eating does indicate depression - and it is a vicious circle. Your current situation has you as the carer - your mom, the cat, the dog, to some extent your dad.

Its great that your dad is there for you - but sometimes family cant see the wood for the trees. I know that he feels he is helping and that the action of him acting as a mediator probably helps him take his mind off the bad things happening to your mom - but you really need an objective person in that circumstance.

Stop all contact with your ex. You are helping him stay sick - he validates his abusive behavior though and on you. Believe me, if you think he will behave himself because you/your father have the ability to take his job away, you don't realise how sick he is - he has been violent, and given the opportunity, he will do it again. Its a VERY hard habit to break - but dialog with him (let alone any compromising) will just stop you both from moving on.

How do I know? My dad was an abuser - and my mother kept taking him back because he was sincere/in tears/sure he would never do it again. Until the time when he decided to wait at home with a gun until mum came home. He told her the only reason he hadn't killed us (the kids) is that we were at school and she came home first - then he shot himself in front of her - one last cruel power play.

You are a strong person - you got out of a bad situation that some people can't get out of. Take strength from the good in life - let your doctor recommend a counsellor, go to a woman's shelter (they do more than put wives up; they give great advice and support). I know you are a loving person otherwise you would have left the pets - but could someone take over caring for them just for a bit? You need to have your energy for yourself and to make your mum (sorry NZ spelling here!) comfortable/say goodbye to her.

We are supportive voices, but can't be there physically for you - please get some positive "real" people in your life - and stick with your original idea and close the chapter on your abusive husband once and for all. Its very hard believe me, I know. One day at a time, one deep breath at a time! And spoil yourself - if you are having a hard time eating, try and remember the food you like the best (me, I'm addicted to lobster lol) and treat yourself. Otherwise, you need to get advice on that too.

Excellent post. There's nothing like hearing from someone who's been there.

Welcome to A2K, Vixis.

Vixis--

Excellent post, good thoughts, well-written.

Welcome to A2K.

KitKat--

Do you want a divorce or do you want an altered and reformed husband?

A divorce is much more likely to lead to a happy ending.

Could you possibly be pregnant? Get to the drugstore and get a pregnancy testing kit. If you're pregnant your situation becomes much more complicated.

I most definately want a divorce, more than anything. I want to do what is right for me and I am getting some excellent advice from all of you. At this point in my life, my ears are wide open and the stubborn part of me has pretty much been beaten out of submission. I think all of you are right about my dad...I think it just felt good at the moment that someone...anyone...was looking out for me this time instead of constantly trying to protect and look out for myself. I am not trying to put my problems on someone else, it just felt good that someone does care about me with all the horrible things that seem to keep happening to me and my family.

As for the pregnancy question, two of my friends (one female my age and an older male friend of mine) whom I told what I was going through and how I have been feeling both came to that same conclusion. I told them that if that was the case I might as well flipping kill myself for that would be the just the thing I need right now...the gigantic cherry on the enormous @#$% sundae that is my life right now. I feel like downing a bottle of vodka and passing out for the next week or so.

Sorry guys...words are just flying out of me...Im a little freaked/stressed out right now, forgive me if I say anything too vulgar.

Kitkat--

Get to the drugstore. Now.

You may not need to have hysterics.

Without information you can't make plans.

I wish I could get in my car and go right now but I am litterally petrified. My friends won't talk to me until I submit to going to a doctor to get myself checked out. I am petrified with fear....and I mean a dibilitating fear of leaving this house to go to a doctor or get a test. This is not stubborness I am talking about, this is not some childish game...I mean I am litterally unable to leave here to get help. Even just thinking about it or talking about it right now I am shaking.

KitCat--

Then send someone to the drugstore. You need to know ASAP whether or not you are pregnant.