mothers and guilt trips

That's so true! Sometimes I confide in my sister, and she's very understanding... but then she'll say something along the lines of "its a shame you feel that way... or ... its a shame you can't find a way to deal with it"...

All that does is tell me that she thinks its all on me to find a way to make things work. Its quite insulting.

Believe me, some family members are dangerous to some other family members' mental health.

Physical allergies are respectable. Emotional allergies are less widely accepted.

This thread is really uplifting. Thanks, Chai, Emilygreen...

But tell me, social conditioning and expectations apart, don't all of us have a primal connections with our mothers (and fathers)? I cannot forget her touch or her voice and all these memories of her when I was really little (before I understood her). And these memories come back to me sometimes, guilt-tripping me..

I really can't answer that sakhi, since I don't have any (or any that spring to mind) of either of my parents being that way.

Sakhi--

Did you have a favorite doll or teddy bear when you were young? Is your relationship to this stuffed friend the same now as it was then?

You don't have to consign your mother to an unpleasant corner of hell--you just have to limit your contact with her. What she does on her own time is her business.

Wise words, Noddy, as always. thanks!

Sakhi--

You are a changing, evolving woman--and a very interesting one, too.

Guilt trip with my mother here too and I'm having a hell of a time justifying why I shouldn't feel bad since she doesn't drive and depends on me (there are two other siblings living within 7 miles of her too BTW, both male). I often wonder how the hell did I get this role and WHY is she playing on my guilt?! Then I feel TERRIBLE and very selfish for not wanting to help out more but she DRAINS me and she seems too selfish to realize it! She is aware of what she does but IMO selfish enough to think she should be waited on when the need arises. Give and inch, she'll literally take a mile! Start something like taking her out to dinner now and then and it can become an expectation weekly! I've got a grip on some things but for some reason the guilt really rides me. My dad passed away almost 5 years ago and mom depends on me now more than ever since he died. I HATE it! She's very co-dependent and at 70 still should be doing things for herself but since she doesn't drive she is severely limited and insists she NEVER will drive because she has a great fear of it. OK... so then it's up to EVERYONE else RIGHT?! No, I just allow it to be me, my brothers don't lift a finger, especially the youngest. I RESENT it all! And, my husband, he realizes how much it gets to me and how I let the guilt run my life, I know it's my own fault and I can't seem to find a real way out. I do however find myself angry inside and making remarks away from her that my husband hears and although he truly is a reasonable man, he says, "You'll be shed of her soon enough," which of course is more guilt in this crazy head and heart of mine! I just don't know how to solve this problem because if it weren't for me my mom's world would be terribly depressing to her! I wish I didn't feel that kind of guilt and I know it's my fault. I've taken some measures to try to help myself by letting her down at times easy but I still resent her needing me so damned much that I'm sick over it! Ugh... good luck for those finding themselves in similar situations. I love my mom I just wish I didn't feel so indebted to her! I'm nearing 50 if it helps anyone to understand any better, not that it matters a whole lot in the big picture. Thanks

Have you had a discussion with your brothers about the inequity of this situation? Perhaps something can be worked out, at least on the odd occasion?

I can appreciate your situation, as my mother (who is 83) lives locally to me. She drives and is still quite independent, but every once in a while, looks to me to do things. I don't mind too much, as it doesn't happen too often.

In my case, I have an older sister that lives a considerable distance away, so she doesn't get involved in her needs that occasionally arises.

Hi Reyn,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. The posts I came across were back from 07 if I recall so I didn't think there would be much chance I'd hear from someone after so long. I know I'm not alone in my situation and I have to say I do love my mother but sometimes I feel so taken advantage of. She's so used to 'doing' that it's hard when she feels her hands are tied and often that's when I feel the guilt most. I know I cause it on myself yet trying to change the situation still seems to leave me feeling I'm pretty much the only one she can depend on when it counts and I will never completely turn my back on her. I just hope I never make my own children feel indebted to me one day, I can tell you I'm going to do whatever I can not to but as my husband says, one day one of them might have to make decisions in my best interest so I hope that if & when that time does come it won't be too much of a burden for them should it be necessary.

Sometimes I dislike myself so much for having these feelings but I know they are normal.

Thanks for taking the time to share and BTW, I have had discussions with the 2 brothers that live here but the youngest lets it go in and out of both ears, he only comes around really when it benefits him. The other brother comes now and then but far less than I've taken upon myself to do. I tell myself he has no problem doing what's best for him so why do I fret? Why don't I just do what feels right? I guess I just feel mom needs someone and that someone is me. My fault for getting involved as much as I've allowed myself to. I just feel stuck in this role now and not sure it will ever truly change. My husband is right though, 'I'll be shed of her soon enough,' yet one never quite knows do they? What's to say she won't be shed of me? I guess those are questions we can't answer until we're faced with whatever life deals us. I do wonder what my mother would do if I weren't there for her though, many times. I know her world would be very different.

Enough about me and my mom, thanks!

Hi Christine, and welcome to A2K! I see you have only been here recently.

I can certainly appreciate your frusteration, and unfortunately, you have siblings that have decided to take a back seat to helping out your mother, since sis seems to be handling everything.

Does your mother not have any friends in her life that visit, and perhaps ocassionally help out? Or any alternative support network at all?

In what sort of housing does she live? House, townhouse, apartment, etc? Is she friendly with nearby neighbours at all?

Does the place where she lives offer any community services for seniors? If so, I would make some enquiries for information to see what kind of help may be appropriate for her.

All this would be an effort to lessen the burden on your shoulders, at least occasionally, to give you a break.

Either that, or it may be necessary to have a "tough talk" with your mother to say that you're sorry, but you're just unable to always be there when she wants you to.

A lot will depend on her financial situation. In other words, would she be able to afford to take the occasional taxi when you can't drive her to an appointment (or whatever)?

Hi Reyn,

To answer your questions, yes my mother has friends thankfully that she has made since moving closer to us these past 3 years. She plays cards a couple of afternoons a week with some wonderful neighbors, she can walk to their home. They also take her to church on Sundays. It's a long story but we used to attend together until I fell away after my father's passing, I won't go into that now. I'm glad she chose on her own to attend with her friends, I think she's happy to get to go and I have my Sunday's free! She won't ride the Older Adult Transportation because she feels she's not as 'old' as most who take advantage of this service and in a sense she's not and she does have a choice. She owns her home in a rather nice, quiet neighborhood thankfully and is financially secure thanks to my father. She crafts 1 day a week in the morning but by the time a friend brings her home she is ready to do something if possible again! She's like the energizer rabbit! She gets down if she has no way out. I can't be there all the time, I make 1 day a week a shopping day, something I used to love but now don't enjoy in the least. Mom absolutely loves to shop & just get out, she feels more alive I suppose. Home is just too quiet since my dad passed. I can understand that. I do try to take time for myself when I start resenting her counting on me too often but guilt is always there. She realizes I can not be her all in all, I've told her as much but it still comes out I'm there as much as ever. She won't take a taxi, she feels they are not 'clean' and she doesn't want to be seen in one. She's right to a degree, we're in a small town and the taxi services are privately owned often times by those who have had past criminal records but are clear and it's the best they can do it would seem to try to make a living because it is hard for them to be employed elsewhere with having had a past record. So I can understand that too.

My older brother tries to do things for & with her every couple of weeks but he and his family have been sick and he's just not there like she seems to demand from me. I shouldn't say demands but expects. I know it's my own fault for letting things happen this way but the only thing I can reason is that if I don't I think she will become depressed and maybe even let herself and her health go because of it and I guess I'm not willing to take that chance. I should just stop complaining but it's hard sometimes when I just want to be let alone and not have expectations put on me. I'm sure I'll continue to manage.

Anway, she's a dear woman and as I mentioned, people really take to her. She does the best she can, she's just lonely since dad died. I imagine I would be too when I think about it. We sure miss him.

Thanks for letting me go on..

oh reading all this with a glass of wine made me feel SO much better after another 'attack' from my mother today (Im not alone!)...but thank god at 46 I can laugh, keep moving on with my life surrounded by positive loving non judgemental people and keep on meeting the billions more out there to meet...and she gets lonier and sadder by the minute, driving anyone that has ever loved her away! hm

Wow ..... I am amazed. This morning I sit here feeling the "hangover" from another one of my mothers agressive, guilt laden outbursts, and I come across this thread.
I think my mother and I have been in this pattern my whole life. But I have been the responsible one, the smart one. My mothers choices made for a difficult life, and I always felt responsible for cleaning things up, even from a young age ... i was the saviour .... as a result i left home at 17 with an incredible thirst for freedom. I thought if i moved out I would be free.
Don't get me wrong, we have always been very close, friends ... sister like, as she had me in her teens ... she would say "we grew up together", but there was always underlying need in me to be responsible for her. I viewed her as a victim.
I wont give an account of everything, as it's too long. But most recently my mother and I were on the same spiritual path, we were connecting really well through this and had become great friends .... I got to a stage though where I began to doubt and question the path, and chose to leave it.
Since then our relationship has been difficult, she says I abandoned her, as she had become a teacher of this path and i was one of her students. Some of the things she has said to me, the names she has called me have broken my heart. I am tired of crying ... i get angry at myself for feeling hurt .... I didn't abandon her, in fact I have done things for her that go above and beyond the call of duty for a daughter, and it gets thrown in my face as not being enough. I get made responsible for things that she should be responsible for ....

Unlike some in this thread ... I actually DO love my mother ... and thats why it hurts so much

The more she does this though, the tougher my "armour" becomes. And to her that comes across as me not caring .... but if i cry then I'm acting like a victim and being self-obsessed.

So now she isn't well ..... and she finds it hard to do household chores etc. Her husband does more for her than most men ever would. But her children are all made to feel like useless peices of s##t.

I feel like even though i have a family of my own, i am meant to be prioritising her. And i still have the habitual questions that run through my head ... "AM i being selfish? ..... "AM i uncaring?" ..... "SHOULD i be taking more responsibility for my mother?" ..... my mother is only 51 years old

I know a lot of my mothers habits stem from her own difficult childhood. I remind myself of this, so that I can be compassionate. But sometimes it's very hard to be compassionate when she is attacking me for things I have no control over. I want to be friends again. But at the moment she views me in a negative light for the choices i've made, and the determined independance that has said "no".