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Tue 2 Oct, 2007 07:06 am
I thought entitling this "vent or die" might be a bit extreme.
Interesting article:
Quote:By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: October 2, 2007
Arguing is an inevitable part of married life. But now researchers are putting the marital spat under the microscope to see if the way you fight with your spouse can affect your health.
Recent studies show that how often couples fight or what they fight about usually doesn't matter. Instead, it's the nuanced interactions between men and women, and how they react to and resolve conflict, that appear to make a meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the couple.
A study of nearly 4,000 men and women from Framingham, Mass., asked whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse. Notably, 32 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.
In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn't have any measurable effect on health. But women who didn't speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine. Whether the woman reported being in a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage didn't change her risk.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/02/health/02well.html
I was the "keep it all bottled inside" type. Growing up with an alcoholic father sometimes forces you to go that route. But my husband taught me to let it out.
I'm sure he regrets that now!
My wife doesn't understand charts and graphs and reads maps upside down. I can look at something for two seconds and get it right - she can stare for 10 minutes and not figure it out - five minutes later she'll argue with me about what we both saw.
For some people remaining silent (& ensuring their partner remains silent as a result) is a passive-aggressive power thing. Folk like this are definitely not good for your health! :wink:
cjhsa wrote:My wife doesn't understand charts and graphs and reads maps upside down. I can look at something for two seconds and get it right - she can stare for 10 minutes and not figure it out - five minutes later she'll argue with me about what we both saw.
Maybe it has more to do with the fact that you obviously think she's stupid for not understanding charts and graphs than it does about what you both saw.
On the topic, I tend to hold things in until I notice that it isn't going away. There is something to be said for refraining from saying hurtful things if you don't have to, but when it crosses into the realm of not saying what you really feel and then letting that build up until it becomes a bigger problem, well, that's when it's time to speak. Recently, I found myself saying something like "when you complain every day about the same thing it stresses me out because I think it means you want me to do something about it." I didn't want to say it because I didn't want him to think he shouldn't feel free to complain, but it was REALLY starting to stress me out.
Yep. Every once in a while, we'll have some fight slash discussion, it'll get resolved, we'll go our separate ways, and then something that I passed over during the fight will resurface and refuse to go away. At that point I try to figure out what the core issue is and how to say it in the most succinct way, then go back and say "Sorry, this one thing seems to be bothering me, gotta say it," say it, and go from there. I always feel so much better. (E.G. does that too but not as often.) I don't think he likes it much but I usually express it as me needing to say it, not him having to act on it/ respond to it.
FreeDuck wrote:cjhsa wrote:My wife doesn't understand charts and graphs and reads maps upside down. I can look at something for two seconds and get it right - she can stare for 10 minutes and not figure it out - five minutes later she'll argue with me about what we both saw.
Maybe it has more to do with the fact that you obviously think she's stupid for not understanding charts and graphs than it does about what you both saw.
On the topic, I tend to hold things in until I notice that it isn't going away. There is something to be said for refraining from saying hurtful things if you don't have to, but when it crosses into the realm of not saying what you really feel and then letting that build up until it becomes a bigger problem, well, that's when it's time to speak. Recently, I found myself saying something like "when you complain every day about the same thing it stresses me out because I think it means you want me to do something about it." I didn't want to say it because I didn't want him to think he shouldn't feel free to complain, but it was REALLY starting to stress me out.
So, I guess I'm not allowed to vent on the A2K vent thread either.
WTF? Such a great place this has become.....
Oh, I see.
The title was more a lead-in to the article -- about venting to one's partner -- than an invitation for anyone to vent here about anything. Fine with me if it goes that way though (as long as it's not venting about other A2K'ers and becomes another insult-fest -- plenty of that to go around as-is).
cjhsa
cjhsa, your venting a vile nature in most of your posting history on A2K is recognized by most posters. Why you chose to use A2K as your outlet is puzzling when you could stay home and ridicule your wife and those of the non-white races and those having differing political views. Some people can't resist being posting polluters.
BBB
Yeah, that's what I was talking about. As in, what I wanted to avoid, if possible.
BBB, any thoughts on the article?
BBB - stick to cutting and pasting. Maybe try needlepoint.
OK, here's another "typically vile" comment about the thread topic. People spend way too much time analyzing things - and agonizing over them. That will kill you way faster than just ignoring them. If your spouse cannot stand you ignoring their constant nagging concerns, maybe they will do the right thing and leave if it bothers them so much.
My straightforward, honest, truthful style really bugs the heck out of lot of people here at A2K. And as I've said, I profile, so I know the type.
So you come down on the "keep it to yourself" side of things. One of the interesting things about the article is that it indicates it's harmful for women to hold things in but not for men. Maybe this is you reinforcing that conclusion.
(what do I call him? Significant Other? too long. My man? eh, I'll just use K)
I know there are times when K would like me not to speak my mind so much.
I know I feel better when I get things off my chest. If I don't, I end up stewing and that doesn't turn out too pretty.
So, I've been trying to learn a balance between when to keep it to myself and when I need to speak.
It's hard sometimes when I do speak, because K sometimes sees it as an attack, when I don't mean it as an attack....
This is an area of difference between us that we have been working on for awhile now. I've always been a speak my mind, honest to a fault type of person, especially no-holds-barred to the people that are closest to me. But, slowly, I'm learning to hold my tongue, some things do not need to be said...
It's been hard.
Quote Soz: I don't think he likes it much but I usually express it as me needing to say it, not him having to act on it/ respond to it.
I also try to say this to K.
Re: Vent, it's good for you
Quote: But women who didn't speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt[/b[/quote]
This made me laugh... Maybe I need to share it with K!
"Honey, you don't want me to die, right? Good. That means I have something I have to tell you..." ;-)
Yeah, stewing's no fun.
Stewing eventually becomes Spewing, and that's no way to have a rational discussion!
Meh I just agree with her. Its easier all around if she thinks shes right.
PS. Shes usually right anyway.
dadpad wrote:Meh I just agree with her. Its easier all around if she thinks shes right.
PS. Shes usually right anyway.
I don't disagree that this may work some of the time but I tend think sometimes agreeing she is right is just a trick to get her to shut up. :/ I have had this done to me (in a condecending manner) and it did nothing to help me feel understood, just left me feeling more frustrated because I knew he did not understand where I was coming from at all. He just wanted me to stop speaking.
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