He just left me

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I just feel the urge to type Smile

and maybe vent a little Smile

I dont think there are any answers but still needed to 'speak'

A little about me, I am a grandmother caring for her 20 month old grandaughter since Dec 2006 - I did work fulltime but was made redundant 2 months ago (not all bad I was ready to leave). My 22 yr old son is currently sleeping on my lounge and I believe he has severe depression (doctors appointment on Monday Smile

) I have unstable angina which can on bad days severely limit my activity (damn it all sounds so dramatic Very Happy

)

My (ex) partner and I have been 'together' for 6 years - we did live together but he moved out about 3 1/2 years ago - since then I see him on Tuesday and Friday night - his choice not mine.

Anyways today - after four weeks of increasing coldness and punishing behaviour toward me - he told me he couldn't handle 'it' anymore - that my life is to dramatic for him and he was going - with everything going on I was too bloody tired to fight (and we have been here several times) and just said ok. I don't think my life is dramatic, just normal family stuff that happens and hey I don't go looking for it and if the choice is between my GD being in a foster home and being with me - WELL no contest Rolling Eyes

He says I am not affectionate enough and I need all the planets to line up to make love - I say ummmmmmm 2 nights a week is not enough for me to feel that I am in a committed relationship and because of lots of reasons I need safety and security to be able to be affectionate and to make love - in lighter moments I have told him I want to make love 5 nights a week - just unfortunate they are not the nights he is here Very Happy

and that I live my life with him always scared he is going to leave ( a justified fear now it seems).

He doesn't have children nor family in the state we live in and I think he wants the world (my world) to revolve around him- insert narcissitic - I am too tired from caring for a REAL child to be able to do that.

I believed he was the 'love of my life' and my soulmate and I AM hurting, but maybe it is for the best? I dont know, just tired of caring for everyone else and no-one seeming to care about me. I know I know I should care about me and I do - but hey is breakfast in bed one morning to much too ask for?? Very Happy

I guess what I am really scared of is when he gets lonely or realises I am his best friend he will contact and I will relent........been there before Sad

and then we do all the "I dont know..I love you but I dont know what I want" BLAH BLAH BLAH - I wanna be strong enough not to PLAY!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening.

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Hi primmie,

Be strong enough not to play!

Or, if "play" has the wrong connotations, strong enough to:

- avoid the morass all over again
- live your life
- grow instead of stagnate

you get the idea.

Just come back and read your post if you waver -- it's a good one.

Good luck!

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How would you like your eggs primmie?

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Primmie--

Welcome to A2K.

I'm guessing that you're a loving, maternal sort of person and your Ex-Soulmate is the sort of self-centered guy who wants to be an only child.

You have a son and a granddaughter--you really don't need a man who is too sensitive and self-absorbed. He's not a helpmeet, he's another problem. His idea of "for better or for worse" is that he is entitled to "better" and you should give his needs preference over those of your children.

Quite possibly he has a replacement for you all lined up. Perhaps he'll be drifting back next week or next month when he finds you're very hard to replace.

What was his idea of a romantic Wednesday or Friday? You cook him dinner, listen to his troubles and then service him? He's a charmer. Run, don't walk to the nearest recycling bin.

Love your avatar.

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What they said. You're gonna get through this. Beautiful avatar, too. Welcome to A2K.

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Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts Smile

Poached eggs, sunny side up on thick buttered toast would be just perfect thanks epenthesis Smile

Can I also have just one flower in a vase Smile

Today has been tough Sad

GD asking for her poppy or seeing his cup and saying "poppy cup" - so some tears today. I really REALLY dont understand how someone can just up and leave a child - especially one who has been through so much in her short life without a backward glance. He didn't even ask if he could see her AT ALL - how can you do that? I guess in the end she was just 'competiton' for my affection and as she grows not quite so compliant and 'good' (yes developing the terrible two's Very Happy

.

Did he come here for a meal and a 'service' - well i think if was getting the 'service' he still would be here Very Happy

but I am bloody good cook so yes the last few weeks he has been arriving at 4 or 5:00 PM and leaving by 10 the next morning.

Today has been sharing alot of truths with my family (two daughters 27 & 28) and maybe also to myself Sad

Saying the hurt out loud makes it real - I have kept it all to myself, the hurt and the rejection. I recognised I have been SO angry the past weeks, so explosive but I never said a word - not once - just bit it back and closed inside myself - I am a strong, smart and professional woman - scary how you can get to this point and not even know it. Some days it feels like I have so much to say and nowhere to say it or even scream it.

Even with all that its still so hard to imagine him not in my life, never to speak to him again, never to hold his hand or kiss him - hard but NOT impossible Very Happy

Once again thanks for your time - I have always written out my pain and confusion and its heartening to know someone out there is reading it.

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Different drummers sizzling syzygy Saturday sounds.

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Primmie--

Telling your family makes the breakup official. You've probably known for some time that you weren't getting much out of this relationship, but you're an accommodating sort of woman and you let his needs overshadow your own.

He's probably not an evil man--just one who wants to occupy the Center of the Universe.

You may be retired, but with a resident toddler you don't have a lot of free time. What are you going to do for yourself this fall and winter to keep from stagnating?

Hold your dominion.

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Ex-Soulmate is the sort of self-centered guy who wants to be an only child.

Quote:

just one who wants to occupy the Center of the Universe.

I dislike the way its always the mans fault. I think you have been extreemly unfair noddy.

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primmie wrote:

Can I also have just one flower in a vase

http://tinypic.ca/files/islxcrgu4x0wa7yad59a.png

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Dadpad--

Primmie's description of the breakup included Primmie's Ex's complain that she had too much melodrama in her life to suit him.

He's entitled to a quiet life. He's entitled to a woman without children--or a resident grandchild.

On the other hand this guy has been showing up for Dinner & It twice a week without offering any wooing and courting. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps Primmie has babysitter troubles and couldn't go out. Perhaps when he showed up he brought flowers and chocolate--and his tool kit to take care of small household repairs. Perhaps he brought toys for the baby and treats for the family dog.

Perhaps he wasn't a freeloader.

In any case he isn't on A2K asking for sympathy--she is.

I'll admit my sympathies are generally with the woman. Why shouldn't they be? Primmie is trying to put her life back together. She's a woman who is facing her "abandonment" with insight and dignity and I think she deserves my emotional support.

Lots of men don't want a sustained romantic relationship with a woman who comes with any sort of baggage. Primmie's Ex changed the rules after he stole her heart--and then said, "Choose between me and your family."

Primmie's Ex isn't my cup of tea any more than I'd be his one and only.

If this be treason, sir, make the most of it.

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Thank you Noddy for your thoughts Smile

- you are right he does want to be the 'centre of the universe' and I have known this for a long while - he and I have acknowledged his narcisstic tendencies - I guess before I had more energy to be able to constantly cater to his needs. This is a definite cycle for him and we have done it numerous times over the years.
He cuts himself off from every interest he has and every hobby, he doesn't work, he isolates himself from everything and everyone and I become the focus and the 'giver' of all attention, love and amusement.
However this time I didn't have the time and energy to hand myself over to the void.

Dadpad - I dont think there Noddy has been "extremely unfair" - just sharing an observation based on my facts and unfortunately very accurate observations. There hasn't been laying of blame - just simple statements of facts - yes my facts which of course will be more biased toward my hurt but facts all the same.
When I took on the care of my GD I knew it would change the dynamics of our relationship and yes perhaps hurt it irretrievably, however he said we are in this 50/50 and we made the decision together. Her care will be the most valuable thing I have ever done I believe.

Quote:

On the other hand this guy has been showing up for Dinner & It twice a week without offering any wooing and courting. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps Primmie has babysitter troubles and couldn't go out. Perhaps when he showed up he brought flowers and chocolate--and his tool kit to take care of small household repairs. Perhaps he brought toys for the baby and treats for the family dog.

Unfortunately this is EXACTLY as it has NOT been. The toolkit made me laugh because one of his gripes was he felt like my handyman - mmmmmmm my kids nearly peed their pants when they heard this and if you could see my house you would laugh too. Which leads me on to the next question -

Quote:

What are you going to do for yourself this fall and winter to keep from stagnating?

I am in Australia so in Spring and heading toward a glorious Summer. My ex has left my house in quite a mess (a very long story about me taking a huge loan for renovations - 3 yrs ago - keeping him wholly and soley and them never happening - all the tools and supplies bought but .........gathering dust and possums and spiders under the house) so the project for me and my kids is to try and fix the mess on a very limited budget. So I will be painting, hiring tradesman and filling in half finished water features.

Once again thanks for your time as I unravel my sadness and grief here.

Primmie

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tinygiraffe thank you - smells so nice and looks lovely - made my morning

Primmie

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G'day Primmie, Sounds like you need a visit from Jamie Drurie and the Backyard Blitz crew.

Why did you need to take on the care of your granddaughter?

You knew what he was like before all this blew up in your face. He gave it a shot and it didn't work out for him. I have to admit it sounds all pretty callouse on his part to get your expectations up and not deliver but its his life too. I think you already accept that.

I'm not really defending your ex partners actions he does sound like a selfish prick. I just think you wanted more than he was prepared to deliver and he didn't communicate this to you.

There is love in this world and it will be available to you but you will need time to yourself to enable you to seek it. Make sure you schedule time for yourself.

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Thanks Dadpad (your post made me cry Smile

)

I am caring for my GD as her parents (one being my daughter) were very violent, using drugs and of course the good old staple of mental health issues and basically she was in danger - there is nothing worse then going to get your GD from a police station and she is bleeding from the broken glass that has been tossed about and your daughter is drunk and beaten up. I know if I can get through that I can get through this Very Happy

Things have improved considerably and after Christmas she may go back to her mum - I always knew she would get it together Very Happy

You are right that I did know that the chances of him handling these new arrangements was pretty slim and I have lived the last 6 months always scared of loosing him or my GD - AWFUL AWFUL - so I think too its a little bit of a relief Sad

Yes he is a selfish prick - he knows it and says it - but you know how it is - we think LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL!!!

I know I am the lucky one, I have a loving family, friends who would be here at the drop of a hat and he doesn't have that - he only ever had me and then at the end not even me - sad for him.

I was standing outside this morning looking at the stuff that has to go to the tip and thinking of dear 'ol Jamie and his team - but bugger I think the show is finished! My sob story is good enough to warrant a bunch of men running around with their shirts off and blundstones and very short shorts dont you think? Laughing

I will always retain a sense of humour

Thanks again - you really dont know how much this is helping just being able to write it down.

Primmie

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Quote:

you really dont know how much this is helping just being able to write it down.

I knew you wern't seeking solutions.

I have my doubts that I would be able to deal with your traumas either. My lovely wife works in community services at local government level. It amazes me how resiliant she is in having to deal with the trials and tribulations of her clients.

Women can be so emotionally resiliant sometimes it surprises me.

I need to get some gear organised for work tomorrow. Hope you stick around on A2K we could use a few more Aussies to keep the yanks in line.

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I am sure you will make your way!
You will see your granddaughter grow up and know you did the right thing.
And you will find a grown up man to love you the way you are, with your big heart and your big family!

All the best, my thoughts are with you

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Primmie--

I'm an unabashed feminist and occasionally I have been unfair to the male sex in the A2K Relationships & Marriage forum.

Dadpad is one of the few men who posts here regularly and his comments are usually very helpful.

Dadpad--

This is partly a generation awareness. Primmie is a bit younger than I am, but P's Ex is probably of an age to expect to be treated as a Lord of the Universe.

You are a liberated man with a rosy view of humanity that filters out awareness of old-fashioned masculine depravity.

Love to Mumpad.

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Noddy24's 'Lord of the Universe' reference was laudable but this week's makeover goes to dadpad for his 'callouse' call. Congratulations to all contributors.

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Quote:

Noddy24's 'Lord of the Universe' reference was laudable but this week's makeover goes to dadpad for his 'callouse' call. Congratulations to all contributors.

Curses! Foiled again.

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He just left me

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