Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

Bi-Polar Bear announces Bush Sucks:


bush sucks.

Rama says
Successor of Bush as well.

QADDAFI TO GIVE UP SMOKINGOpens Libya to U.N. Ashtray InspectorsIn what some White House officials are hailing as the successful result of months of backdoor diplomacy, Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi of Libya agreed today to give up cigarettes once and for all.

"It's a filthy, filthy habit," said Col. Qaddafi, grinding a pack of Lucky Strikes under his polished jackboot. "I should have given it up years ago."

The Libyan madman, whom the White House now refers to as the former Libyan madman, invited U.N. inspectors to Libya to search his office for ashtrays.

According to close associates, Col. Qadaffi is also contemplating destroying his stockpile of unconventional hats.

While Bush administration officials were quick to take credit for Col. Qaddafi's decision to stop smoking, experts said he was probably motivated by a desire to return to the international community, which frowns on chain-smoking dictators.

"The U.N. building, for the most part, is a non-smoking building," said Dr. Jeremy Criswell of the University of Minnesota. "Qaddafi couldn't get through a speech to the General Assembly without running outside every two minutes for a quick cig."

But even as world leaders praised Col. Qaddafi's decision to quit his four-pack-a-day habit, his college roommate, shoe salesman Mustafa Fakude, expressed skepticism about Col. Qaddafi's willpower.

"This is just another one of Muammar's lame New Year's Eve resolutions," said Mr. Fakude, who shared a dorm room with Col. Qaddafi at Libya State University back when the dictator was known simply as Bluto Qaddafi. "I remember when he promised to give up beer. Yeah, right! That lasted about five minutes."

BUSH OFFERS RETIREES OPTION OF SERVING IN IRAQ
Social Security Participants Given Wide Choice of Iraqi Cities to Patrol

After receiving only muted support for his sweeping proposals to overhaul Social Security, President George W. Bush attempted to sweeten the pot today, offering all retirees the opportunity to serve in Iraq.

With most insiders calling the president's proposal for individual investment accounts dead on arrival in Congress, the White House hopes that Mr. Bush's offer of guaranteed military service to all retired Americans will find more favor.

Speaking at a rally in Detroit today, the president told his audience, "In the year 2054, the Social Security trust fund will be bankrupt, but the war in Iraq will be alive and well."

Under his new plan, the president said, upon reaching the age of 59 every participant in the Social Security program would be offered the opportunity to begin basic training for what Mr. Bush called "the adventure of their lives."

According to the president, retirees would be "totally free to choose" which Iraqi city they would like to patrol from a list of twenty cities including Baghdad, Tikrit, Fallujah, and oil-rich Kirkuk.

Mr. Bush added that the average retiree serving in Iraq would earn approximately $1500 a month, which would be boosted to $1800 if the retiree should somehow stumble across weapons of mass destruction.

In Washington, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said he was "intrigued" by the notion of spending his retirement years in Iraq but that he had decided to run the World Bank instead.

Elsewhere, antiwar protesters across Europe marked the second anniversary of President Bush ignoring antiwar protesters across Europe.
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Bush Proposes Making Illegal Immigrants 'Guest Voters'

In his boldest stroke to date to break the logjam over illegal immigration, President George W. Bush today proposed a "guest voter" program for illegal immigrants that would make them eligible to vote in the midterm elections on November 7.

Speaking at a press conference at the White House this morning, Mr. Bush said that his "guest voter" proposal would allow illegal immigrants to attain full citizenship status for one day only.

"Illegal immigrants are important to this country, because they do many of the things that other Americans are unwilling to do," the president said. "Like voting."

According to the president's plan, undocumented immigrants would be bused to special "naturalization/voting booths" on November 7 where they could become citizens for the day simply by pulling a lever.

"Then, when their work is done, we'll make sure they're back on the other side of the border by November 8," Mr. Bush said. "Everyone wins."

But Mr. Bush's guest voter program received mix reviews from congressional Democrats, many of whom believe that glitches in the so-called naturalization/voting booths could lead to invalid election results.

In particular, critics have complained that in an early prototype of the booth, the translation of the phrase "I want to be a U.S. citizen" appeared as "Vote for all Republican candidates with this lever."

Unfazed by the critics, Mr. Bush said he would move forward with this and other immigration proposals, including building a 700-foot fence around Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York).

Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security warned of more attacks after supermodel Naomi Campbell was released on bail.

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Bush Offers U.S. Attorneys New Positions in Iraq
Attempt to Calm Furor over Mass Sacking

In a bold attempt to end the controversy over the sacking of eight United States attorneys, President George W. Bush today offered the fired prosecutors what he called "exciting new positions" in Iraq.

With the President facing pressure from Congress over the firing of the attorneys and funding for the continuing war effort, Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House that sending the "surge" of eight U.S. attorneys to Baghdad was a "win-win" solution to both problems.

"Congress has been trying their darnedest to limit my ability to prosecute this war," Mr. Bush said. "Well, I can think of no one more qualified to prosecute this war than those eight prosecutors."

Mr. Bush said that dispatching a surge of lawyers to Baghdad will be send a strong message to insurgents and terrorists that they can no longer take the law into their own hands.

"I have strongly felt for some time that we need more suits on the ground," Mr. Bush said.

If all goes as planned, the eight prosecutors will be parachuted into Baghdad as early as this Wednesday, Mr. Bush told reporters, and could be prosecuting insurgents by Thursday.

While some in the White House press corps questioned if sending eight prosecutors to Iraq would really be enough to turn the tide of the war effort there, Mr. Bush said he already had plans to send additional lawyers if necessary.

"If those eight aren't enough, I'll send Gonzales," he said.

Elsewhere, former presidential candidate Tom Vilsack endorsed Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-New York) and urged all four of his supporters to join him.
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Bush Vetoes Candy for BabiesMove Takes Candy From Over Four Million BabiesIn a move that seemed guaranteed to stir controversy, President Bush today vetoed a bill that would give candy to over four million babies.

With one stroke of a pen, Mr. Bush vetoed the Candy for Babies Act, a law that would have expanded candy benefits to America's hungriest babies.

At the White House, aides to the president said that Mr. Bush was "unconcerned" that his veto would create the impression that he was, in effect, taking candy from babies.

"Being president means making tough decisions," said White House press secretary Dana Perino. "If that means taking candy from babies, so be it."

Ms. Perino said that the $3 billion saved by vetoing the Candy for Babies Act would be used for one of Mr. Bush's pet projects, a new program that would pay people to kick old ladies who are trying to cross the street.

The funding of the Kicking Old Ladies Act comes on the heels of another potentially unpopular move by the president, an executive order that would force puppies and kittens out of animal shelters and onto the streets in time for the winter.

In other White House news, President Bush responded to criticism of the Blackwater security firm by hiring a new firm to take over security in Iraq, a company called Bongwater.

"I met with the Bongwater folks and I liked them," he said. "They seemed a lot more laid back than Blackwater."

Elsewhere, Britney Spears said she regretted losing custody of her children "because I was just teaching them how to drive."
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The following one is not a joke but a real news.

Jeb Bush: America is a lot safer now

New Delhi (PTI): It is a tough life when you are the brother of President of the United States.

This was evident when the former Florida Governor and US President George W Bush's brother Jeb Bush declined to answer a few questions on American policies at an interaction here quipping, "I don't want to give people back home immense joy by disagreeing with my brother".

Bush was asked whether he would have pursued different policies had he been the President of United States instead of his brother.

"This is the life of being the brother of the President," he said at the Hindustan Times Leadership Summit here.

"I can hear the squeals of joys if I answer such questions," he said.

However, when asked whether the US had taken the correct decision by invading Iraq and Afghanistan after the September 11 terror attacks, he said "yes America is a lot safer now".
http://www.hinduonnet.com/thehindu/holnus/001200710140306.htm