Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

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Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work
September 26, 2007
The Onion :wink: Issue 4339

WASHINGTON, DC?-In an unexpected move that shocked White House staff and stunned the nation, President George W. Bush arrived unannounced at the Oval Office Monday.

Bush, who flew in from his home in Texas, was greeted by security forces upon landing outside the White House, and quickly escorted through the building's back entrance. Wearing a special suit-and-tie uniform intended to boost morale and show support for men and women serving in the Beltway, Bush entered the East Room at about 3:30 p.m. and addressed a bewildered but enthusiastic crowd of staff members.

"Am I late?" Bush joked to the group of approximately 200, who were led to believe they would be attending a ceremony to honor Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters. Bush's entrance received a standing ovation.

"It is incredible to see firsthand what you brave men and women do every day," Bush said to rousing applause. "You are all heroes."

Telling the group he wished he had the time to work alongside each and every one of them, Bush made general inquiries about conditions at the executive mansion, recruitment of new personnel, and where everyone was eating for lunch.

According to sources close to the president, Bush barely had time to rest during the four-hour visit. He first met face-to-face with several high-ranking U.S. officials, who briefed him on the situation in Washington. Bush then signed a number of documents, took a guided tour of the facilities, and in a symbolic show of support for the current administration, shook hands with the vice president.

Bush was also granted permission to sit in on an important Cabinet meeting concerning U.S. counterterrorism efforts. Those who were present said the president mostly observed, but noted that he did ask "a lot" of questions. Afterward, Bush sat behind the Oval Office desk and shuffled papers for 15 minutes while news photographers snapped photographs.

For most members of the White House staff, it was their first chance to meet the president. Many said they were "overcome" with excitement.

"When I was getting ready for work this morning, the last person I ever thought I'd see was the president of the United States," said Alexander Mistri, special assistant to the president for legislative affairs.

"I actually got to shake hands with the president," Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao said. "He seems like a very nice man in person."

While Bush made surprise trips to work in August 2004 and stopped by in July 2005 to pick up a paycheck, Monday's visit marked his first extended stay since last December.

For security reasons, the trip was shrouded in secrecy. Sources say the president was ushered out of his Crawford, TX home just before noon Monday, while his family and closest friends were under the assumption that he was sleeping in, per normal vacation protocol. Only a few officials were informed of the trip, including his chief of staff Joshua Bolten, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Bush's fishing buddy Dale.

Many claim the trip was staged as a "media ploy" intended to convince the public that the administration's occupation of Washington, D.C. is not a lost cause.

"President Bush wants us to believe that he is in touch with the Bush administration," political analyst Garry Wills said. "But this is too little, too late. Mr. Bush has staked his legacy on the success of the work being done in the White House, but if I were him, I'd be thinking more about an exit strategy than rallying the grunts on the ground."

Despite such criticisms, Bush's visit ended on a positive note. At 4:55 p.m. Monday, he gave a parting speech to staff, thanking them for their hard work, explaining that the future of the country rests in their hands, and promising that they would all be sent home to their families "very soon."

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Onion is the best satirical magazine to read.

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Yangon, Myanmar (UPSI) - Hundreds of bomb blasts shook the night sky of Yangon, the capital of Myanmar, and the city was plunged into darkness and confusion as American stealth fighters rained guided ordinance down upon key military junta installations. President Bush is expected to address the nation within the hour to outline the reasons behind what is viewed as a new opening in the war on terror. The surprise attack comes after the president offered harsh criticisms to the government of Myanmar and other dictatorships on the floor of the UN this morning.
Preliminary word from the White House indicated that the president had authorized the surgical strike and invasion on the basis of evidence that the military junta was attempting to acquire nuclear technology. In a variation of a successful sniper baiting tactic employed in Iraq against insurgents and terrorists, the White House stated that it had earlier dropped a shipment of aluminum tubes suitable only for centrifuge use covertly into the country as bait. When individuals then attempted to gather the materials, this was viewed as proof of nuclear intentions and the preventive attack authorized. The White House refused comment on the possibility that a similar international sting operation had been employed three weeks ago during an Israeli strike against Syria.

"We have high hopes that this will be a rapid campaign, and that the monks will be throwing flowers at the feet of our soldiers," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "In light of the newly expanded war front we will be dropping the term "war on terror" and substituting it with "war for freedom and democracy"."

Initial reports from Yangon claimed that thousands of monks and protesters have been killed or injured in the initial blasts. Reporters embedded with expeditionary American troops are saying that resistance has been limited to an occasional tracer round and monkeys throwing dung at the feet of American soldiers.

2
Unconfirmed sources report the head of Blackwater USA, the largest American mercenary army, has been chosen to be the next Prime Minster of Iraq. The election of Eric Prince and expulsion of current Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki occurred yesterday during a secret session of the Iraqi Parliament. During the historic session Iraqi parliamentarians revised the Iraqi constitution, dumped Maliki and elected Prince in just 45 minutes.
After his elevation to the post of Prime Minster Prince spoke to a reporter from deep within his Green Zone bunker.

"Today is a great day for Iraq and America alike. For Iraqi's my election to Prime Minster means that finally someone who can really work with the Americans is in charge. My relationship with the American government will allow the government of Iraq to gain focus and direction which it needs."

"Further, I just don't have any of the crazy sectarian baggage that is tearing this country apart. I'm glad the Iraqi's picked me to get this job done. I'm going to straighten this country out and bring peace to Iraq and prosperity to Blackwater USA shareholders."

The President of the United States cut short his visit to the United Nations to place a call to Prime Minster Price to congratulate him on his victory. He also informed Prince that since he was now sovereign of Iraq any investigation of Blackwater would be suspended.

http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53713

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1
Bush Pays Surprise Visit to RealityPresident Calls Two-Hour Stop in Real World ?'Informative'President George W. Bush departed from his planned itinerary on Labor Day to make a surprise visit to reality, later calling the two-hour stop in the real world "informative."

For Mr. Bush, the visit to reality, while brief, was still significant because it represented his first visit to the real world since being elected President in 2000.

"The President has not visited reality the entire time he's been in the White House," one aide said. "The closest he's come is watching ?'Survivor.'"

Mr. Bush touched down in the real world a little after dawn, delivering a brief address on the airport runway in which he attempted to put the best face on his relationship with reality, a relationship which has been frayed in recent years.

But beneath the smiles and positive statements, Mr. Bush's aides seemed well aware that the President's relationship with reality is complicated at best, since his approval rating in the real world currently hovers at an all-time low.

"The President deserves a lot of credit for making this visit to reality," one aide said. "He doesn't have a natural constituency here."

On the whole, though, when the President's two-hour visit was over, most of his staff seemed relieved that the potentially perilous tour of reality had passed without incident.

"It'll be good leaving reality and going back to Washington," one aide said.

Elsewhere, after a new study showed that only one in 1,000 Americans knows what the First Amendment is, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "Good, then no one will notice when it's gone."

2
Ahmadinejad Invites U.N. Inspectors to Search for HomosexualsPermits Use of Advanced GaydarJust days after asserting that there are no homosexuals in Iran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today invited United Nations inspectors into his country to search for homosexuals.

"We have nothing to hide," Mr. Ahmadinejad said in a speech to the United Nations General Assembly. "You can search the entire country - even the airport bathrooms."

While some senior U.S. diplomats expressed skepticism about the Iranian president's offer to allow U.N. inspectors to search his country for homosexuals, Mr. Ahmadinejad attempted to silence the skeptics by permitting the use of "advanced gaydar technology" as part of the proposed inspections.

"In Iran we have the most advanced gaydar in the world and we are prepared to share it with you," he said.

In the immediate aftermath of Mr. Ahmadinejad's speech, it was unclear as to who would lead the U.N.'s inspection efforts, but most diplomats assumed that the task would fall to Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA).

At a press conference at the United Nations, Mr. ElBaradei acknowledged that he had no previous experience searching for homosexuals, but said that if chosen to lead the inspection effort he would make sure that the inspections were "rigorous and thorough."

"The possibility that Iran may possess homosexuals is a serious matter to the world community," Mr. ElBaradei said. "There has been evidence for some time that Iran may be attempting to build a Broadway musical."

Elsewhere, President Bush made his first official comment on the situation in Myanmar, telling reporters, "I will support whichever side is easier to pronounce."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

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Bush Names Wolfowitz President of al-Qaeda

Hopes to Undermine Terror NetworkIn a bold move to undermine the international terror network, President George W. Bush today named former deputy defense secretary and World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz to be the new president of al-Qaeda.

Mr. Wolfowitz, who has no experience running an international terror organization, struck many Washington insiders as an unlikely choice for the al-Qaeda job.

But in a White House ceremony introducing his nominee for the top terror post, President Bush indicated that Mr. Wolfowitz's role in planning the war in Iraq and bringing scandal to the World Bank showed that he was "just the man" to bring chaos and disorder to al-Qaeda.

"I've seen Paul Wolfowitz in action," said Mr. Bush, a beaming Mr. Wolfowitz at his side. "If anyone can mess up al-Qaeda, it's this guy."

Several key details in the president's plan still need to be worked out, such as how exactly Mr. Wolfowitz will infiltrate al-Qaeda and rise to the top position in its ranks.

"Al-Qaeda closely screens all of its top officers," said Hassan El-Medfaii, head of the terror network's human resources department. "It's not like the Defense Department or the World Bank."

Even if he ascends to its top post, it remains to be seen whether Mr. Wolfowitz will be happy at al-Qaeda, according to Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the Wolfowitz Studies Department at the University of Minnesota.

"Al-Qaeda is not like the World Bank," Professor Logsdon said. "For one thing, it's much harder to meet girls there."

Bush Postpones Thinking about Iraq Until 2009

Says Thinking Would Send ?'Wrong Message' to EnemySaying that it was too early to assess whether the surge of additional troops into Baghdad was improving the security situation in the capital city, President George W. Bush said today he would postpone thinking about Iraq until 2009.

While congressional Democrats have urged the president to start thinking about Iraq now, the president said that setting a timetable for thinking about the war would send the "wrong message" to the insurgents.

"Thinking about the war in Iraq is exactly what the insurgents want us to do," Mr. Bush told reporters. "By saying that we are giving the war in Iraq a thoughtful assessment, we would be playing directly into the evildoers' hands."

The president also lashed out at the Democrats in congress for spending "untold hours" thinking about the war and argued that "excessive thinking" about Iraq would undermine the position of the U.S. troops there.

"The best thing we can do to support the troops is to not think about them," the president said.

But just hours after Mr. Bush made his announcement, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal) urged the president to set a firm deadline for thinking about the war, arguing that the 2009 date was "too late."

"For one thing, by 2009 he'll be out of office," Rep. Pelosi said.

Later in the day, however, the president rebuffed the Speaker's request, telling reporters, "There she goes - thinking again."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6732&srch=

I will revive this thread in due course

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Bush: Ahmadinejad Must Dismantle Last Name
Threatens Sanctions Against Polysyllabic Leader

The war of words between the United States and Iran heated up today as President George W. Bush demanded that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dismantle his last name or face serious sanctions.

Speaking from the Rose Garden at the White House, Mr. Bush made it clear that he believed Mr. Ahmadinejad's possession of a difficult-to-pronounce, polysyllabic last name was a provocative act that the United States was not prepared to tolerate.

"The time has come for the Iranian president to make a choice," Mr. Bush warned. "Does he want to continue down this dangerous, polysyllabic path, or does he want to join the community of peace-loving, monosyllabic world leaders?"

Under a plan being floated through diplomatic channels, Mr. Ahmadinejad's last name would be subject to U.N. inspections and then dismantled syllable by syllable, ultimately
to be stored in a secure U.S. military facility in Tennessee.

Mr. Bush's warning to President Ahmadinejad predictably garnered the support of several of his monosyllabic counterparts, such as Britain's Tony Blair, South Korea's Roh Moo Hyun and the Czech Republic's Václav Klaus.

But his strong rhetoric was less warmly received by members of the so-called "polysyllabic movement," led by Equatorial Guinea's President Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo.

"We in the polysyllabic movement were offended by the president's remarks," Mr. Mbasogo said. "If Mr. Bush can pronounce the word ?'polysyllabic,' he should have no problem with ?'Ahmadinejad.'"
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6723&srch=

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Bush Offers U.S. Attorneys New Positions in Iraq

In a bold attempt to end the controversy over the sacking of eight United States attorneys, President George W. Bush today offered the fired prosecutors what he called "exciting new positions" in Iraq.

With the President facing pressure from Congress over the firing of the attorneys and funding for the continuing war effort, Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House that sending the "surge" of eight U.S. attorneys to Baghdad was a "win-win" solution to both problems.

"Congress has been trying their darnedest to limit my ability to prosecute this war," Mr. Bush said. "Well, I can think of no one more qualified to prosecute this war than those eight prosecutors."

Mr. Bush said that dispatching a surge of lawyers to Baghdad will be send a strong message to insurgents and terrorists that they can no longer take the law into their own hands.

"I have strongly felt for some time that we need more suits on the ground," Mr. Bush said.

If all goes as planned, the eight prosecutors will be parachuted into Baghdad as early as this Wednesday, Mr. Bush told reporters, and could be prosecuting insurgents by Thursday.

While some in the White House press corps questioned if sending eight prosecutors to Iraq would really be enough to turn the tide of the war effort there, Mr. Bush said he already had plans to send additional lawyers if necessary.

"If those eight aren't enough, I'll send Gonzales," he said.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6717&srch=

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Bush Creates Department of Faulty Intelligence

In response to what he called a "significant increase in the amount of misinformation about our enemies," President George W. Bush today announced that he was establishing a new Cabinet-level agency devoted solely to faulty intelligence.

By creating the Department of Faulty Intelligence, Mr. Bush said, "The United States will be able to respond swiftly and preemptively to false threats before they don't develop."

The President said that while the CIA and the NSA had both collected faulty intelligence in the past, "there is simply too much misinformation out there for those two agencies to handle."

Mr. Bush said that he hoped that the Department of Faulty Intelligence would not only increase the United States' capacity to collect false leads and red herrings, but that it would also help coordinate the sharing of useless information among the U.S.'s various spy agencies.

Mr. Bush used the announcement at the White House to introduce his nominee to head up the new department, James Frey, the author of "A Million Little Pieces."

Mr. Frey spoke mainly in general terms about the goals of the new agency, but indicated that it would focus on "the gathering threat" posed by Belgium's nuclear program.

In his brief remarks to the press, Mr. Frey said that he was uniquely qualified to head the Department of Faulty Intelligence because of his "deep roots" in the faulty intelligence community.

"I will be bringing over four decades of experience to this job," said Mr. Frey, 37.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6713&srch=

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Bush Strips Libby of Nickname

Just hours after Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found guilty in his trial relating to the CIA leak scandal, Mr. Libby suffered another setback as President George W. Bush officially stripped him of his nickname in a somber White House ceremony.

"Scooter Libby, you are Scooter Libby no more," Mr. Bush declared, to the applause of Mr. Cheney and top White House aides. "You are now just plain old I. Lewis Libby."

Mr. Bush told reporters that he decided to strip Mr. Libby of his nickname because "I hardly knew the man."

Referring to Mr. Libby's trial, Mr. Bush said, "Just like Lewis Libby can't remember anything he did in the five years he worked here, I can't remember him working here at all."

White House spokesman Tony Snow said that Mr. Libby's former nickname, Scooter, would likely be reassigned to someone else in the upper echelon of the administration.

"We may start calling Postmaster General John E. Potter ?'Scooter' Potter,'" Mr. Snow said. "It's a good nickname for the Postmaster General because it makes him sound all speedy and all."

For his part, Mr. Libby was philosophical about being convicted on four out of five counts in his perjury trial, telling reporters, "One out of five ain't bad."

"This verdict means that I was telling the truth twenty percent of the time," Mr. Libby said. "That's still way above average for this administration."
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6709&srch=

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Bush Jumps the Shark

President Bush's decision to send additional troops to Iraq has puzzled many pundits: is the President stubborn, isolated, out of touch with reality? While all three may be true, there is another explanation: George W. Bush has been on television for the past six years, and like many TV shows entering a seventh season, Bush has jumped the shark.

Wikipedia defines jumping the shark as "the tipping point at which a TV series is deemed to have passed its peak, or has introduced plot twists that are illogical in terms of everything that has preceded them." Three telltale signs:

Same Character, Different Actor: For the first six seasons of the Bush administration, the character of the Secretary of Defense was played by Donald Rumsfeld. Then, without warning (unless you count his pre-election comment that Rumsfeld was doing a "fantastic job"), Bush replaced him with former CIA chief Robert Gates. Like the producers of "Bewitched," (two Darrins) or "Roseanne" (two Beckys), Bush may have thought that if he made the casting switch with no explanation, the viewers wouldn't notice. Unfortunately for the president, the Rumsfeld-Gates switcheroo was the most jarring since "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" (two Aunt Vivs).

New Kid in Town: Long-of-tooth TV series often resort to adding younger characters in the hope of breathing much-needed life into a moribund enterprise. Although this ploy almost never works, and the new characters usually wind up being reviled (Cousin Oliver on "The Brady Bunch," Stephanie on "All in the Family"), the Decider-in-Chief has ignored the lessons of television history and proposed adding not one, but twenty-one thousand new characters. Will "the surge" succeed where those other fresh faces didn't? I have just two words for you: Scrappy Doo.

Special Guest Star: A true sign of desperation is when a wheezing TV show with plunging ratings (in Bush's case, 30%) gives up on its regular cast altogether and tries to revive viewer interest by importing a guest star - often a celebrity from the world of sports who has no plausible relationship to the series regulars. (Reggie Jackson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Muhammad Ali all turned up on "Diff'rent Strokes.") Those who harbored any lingering doubts about Bush's shark-jumping status surely became converts during his State of the Union address, when the president looked up into the gallery of the House and introduced, on national television, Dikembe Mutombo.

Now that it is clear that Bush has jumped the shark, one question remains - have we seen the worst of the president's bizarre stunts and desperate Hail Marys, or are there more to come? On that front, the news is not good: this month marks the beginning of February sweeps.

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6689&srch=

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Mods, please move this topic from politics to humour.

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Yes.
Politics is nothing to do with humour.

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Bush Authorizes US Attacks on Myanmar

Yangon, Myanmar (UPSI) - Hundreds of bomb blasts shook the night sky of Yangon, the capital of Myanmar, and the city was plunged into darkness and confusion as American stealth fighters rained guided ordinance down upon key military junta installations. President Bush is expected to address the nation within the hour to outline the reasons behind what is viewed as a new opening in the war on terror. The surprise attack comes after the president offered harsh criticisms to the government of Myanmar and other dictatorships on the floor of the UN this morning.
Preliminary word from the White House indicated that the president had authorized the surgical strike and invasion on the basis of evidence that the military junta was attempting to acquire nuclear technology. In a variation of a successful sniper baiting tactic employed in Iraq against insurgents and terrorists, the White House stated that it had earlier dropped a shipment of aluminum tubes suitable only for centrifuge use covertly into the country as bait. When individuals then attempted to gather the materials, this was viewed as proof of nuclear intentions and the preventive attack authorized. The White House refused comment on the possibility that a similar international sting operation had been employed three weeks ago during an Israeli strike against Syria.

"We have high hopes that this will be a rapid campaign, and that the monks will be throwing flowers at the feet of our soldiers," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "In light of the newly expanded war front we will be dropping the term "war on terror" and substituting it with "war for freedom and democracy"."

Initial reports from Yangon claimed that thousands of monks and protesters have been killed or injured in the initial blasts. Reporters embedded with expeditionary American troops are saying that resistance has been limited to an occasional tracer round and monkeys throwing dung at the feet of American soldiers.
http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53681

Bush Still Hooked on Phonics

A draft of a speech given by President Bush this year to the U.N. was accidentally released on the U.N. website, including phonetic spellings for countries and world leaders as prominent as new French President Sarkozy "[sar-KOzee]."

Perhaps even more shocking, The Gay Black Jew has learned that the President starts each week day watching the popular children's show "Sponge Bob." This is one of his "special times," like when he plays with his Etch-a-Sketch or his Legos.

Despite being hooked on phonics, the man in charge with the most important button in history still can't pronounce the word "nuclear," despite efforts by his staff to provide a phonetic aid.

Further background research by The Gay Black Jew investigative reporters has revealed that Bush used phonetics at Yale whenever he had to give a speech in front of a class.

Words as simple as strategy, diplomacy, compassion, ignorance, incompetence, intelligence and rational were all phonetically spelled in all his Yale speeches.

Democrats in Congress are working on a bill that will force the President to undergo a CAT-scan of his brain to determine its size, if there is some sort of damage or whether a small creature crawled into his brain through an ear.

Meanwhile, other world leaders have reached a heightened state of alert. The obvious stupidity of the most powerful man in the world has created a crisis internationally. It is now taken for granted that Bush will nuke Eye-Ran, creating an even greater mess in the Middle East and further deteriorating America's reputation.

White House Spokesman Dana Perino seemed caught off guard in yesterday's press conference. She danced around the issue, finally claiming that Bush can feed himself and dress himself each morning.

http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53680

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Good night, and God bless America
BUSH
http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2007/09/surge2.asp

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Bush backs 'Austrian troops' at 'OPEC'

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Bush backs 'Austrian troops' at 'OPEC'
Posted Sat Sep 8, 2007 7:25am AEST
Updated Sat Sep 8, 2007 8:32am AEST

Bushisms: US President George W Bush addresses the business summit at the Sydney Opera House (APEC 2007 Taskforce)

Map: Sydney 2000
Related Link: Full coverage of APEC 2007 Gaffe-prone US President George W Bush confused APEC with OPEC and transformed Australian troops into Austrians in a series of blunders in Sydney on Friday.

Mr Bush's tongue started slipping almost as soon as he started talking at a business forum on the eve of the APEC leaders summit.

"Mr Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction," he said. "Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit."

As the audience of several hundred people erupted in laughter, Bush corrected himself and joked, "He invited me to the OPEC summit next year."

Australia has never been a member of the Organisation of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC).

Later in his speech, Mr Bush recounted how Prime Minister John Howard had gone to visit "Austrian troops" last year in Iraq.

Mr Howard was visiting Australian troops. There are no Austrian troops in Iraq.

These days I find Bush gaffes more sad than amusing. But I couldn't resist this great headline: Bush backs ?'Austrian troops' at ?'OPEC'.

You say APEC, and Bush says OPEC.
You say Australian, and Bush says Austrian.
APEC,
OPEC,
Australian,
Austrian:
Let's call the Bush term off.

(My apologies to the Gershwin brothers.)

http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.madkane.com/madness/2007/09/09/bush%2Dgaffes%2Dused%2Dto%2Dmake%2Dme%2Dlaugh/

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Dear George,

It's about time! For too long the internet has been a septic tank of anarchy and freedom, spreading its rank odor the length and breadth of America's Main Street. I am glad there are plans to pump it out and fill it with the concrete of decency and order.

We live in an age when there is no greater threat to our National Security than liberty. As DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff put it, the net is a "terrorist training camp" where every dissenting view that is posted carries within it a dormant seed of potential terrorist activity. You summed it up when you complained that internet bloggers are creating an "adversarial and ugly climate." Democracies sputter because they are so adversarial.

What I really love is a campaign to force bloggers to register with the government and to report their activities to Congress. Empire needs control and consensus if it is to grow.[1]

My only criticism is that these measures fail to address an even greater threat to our National Security than the internet.

George, there are millions upon millions of private rooms in America that are completely unsupervised. The potential for evil is staggering! Where do terrorists hatch their plots; where do criminals plan their crimes; where does sexual exploitation take place; where do pedophiles fantasize their fantasies?

Private rooms!

Bringing the internet under total regulation and surveillance is but a half measure as long as there is a single unmonitored private room in America.

The American people have a right to a total security that will be achieved only when we have a program of surveillance so comprehensive that the Department of Homeland Security will be able to count the pubic hairs on a hooker as she strips down for her next trick.

Your admirer,

Belacqua Jones

http://axisoflogic.com/artman/publish/article_24428.shtml

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Dude,
Get a grip.

0 Replies

snood
this is just for your patience.

Bush Announces New Amercan Energy Source at New York Conference.

New York, NY (UPSI) - President Bush, in the opening address today at his hastily organized global warming summit in New York City, demonstrated for those in attendance his proposals for a cheaper, cleaner burning, more carbon neutral energy source for the United States. He further pledged to make the new fuel even cheaper as it becomes more adopted and standardized to other developing countries. He praised the Chinese for their efforts at initial development and asked for their continued support.

"The White House has always been aware and involved in the issue of global warming," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "It's one of the myths that we are attempting to overturn with our conference, and bring to bear good old-fashioned American ingenuity to the problem."

Laura Bush heads for Mid East Peace Summit

The White House also announced today that First Lady Laura Bush would be assuming ambassadorial duties and heading for a groundbreaking Middle East peace summit, which will address the Palestinian Israeli conflict as well as seek solutions in the partitioning and redistribution of Iraq as well as Iranian nuclear ambitions.

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice just happens to be stretched a little thin right now," stated Perino, "what with the global energy summit and fall clothing sales in New York."

http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53720

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Bush Announces New Amercan Energy Source at New York Conference

New York, NY (UPSI) - President Bush, in the opening address today at his hastily organized global warming summit in New York City, demonstrated for those in attendance his proposals for a cheaper, cleaner burning, more carbon neutral energy source for the United States. He further pledged to make the new fuel even cheaper as it becomes more adopted and standardized to other developing countries. He praised the Chinese for their efforts at initial development and asked for their continued support.
"The White House has always been aware and involved in the issue of global warming," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "It's one of the myths that we are attempting to overturn with our conference, and bring to bear good old-fashioned American ingenuity to the problem."

Laura Bush heads for Mid East Peace Summit

The White House also announced today that First Lady Laura Bush would be assuming ambassadorial duties and heading for a groundbreaking Middle East peace summit, which will address the Palestinian Israeli conflict as well as seek solutions in the partitioning and redistribution of Iraq as well as Iranian nuclear ambitions.

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice just happens to be stretched a little thin right now," stated Perino, "what with the global energy summit and fall clothing sales in New York."

It's a Boy!

In an unrelated, but happier note, the White House today announced that the initial ultrasound results for first daughter Jenna Bush revealed that the president will soon have a grandson. The president was reportedly ecstatic upon viewing the picture, which has subsequently been classified, but registered some slight disappointment when the juxtaposition of the umbilicus was pointed out to him.
http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53720

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BUSH ADDS ALASKA TO AXIS OF EVILAsks World: ?'Are You With Us, or Are You With the Puffins?'President Bush today named Alaska to the "Axis of Evil," putting the U.S.'s northernmost state in the same category as Iraq, Iran and North Korea.

Political observers considered the move to name Alaska to the "Axis of Evil" extraordinary, since no other U.S. state had received such a nod from the President before.

But the President defended his decision in a speech to Congress today, declaring that "there is only one word to describe Alaskan wildlife's determination to prevent oil exploration and drilling in their habitat: evil."

The President reserved his harshest words for such arctic birds as puffins, plovers, and phalaropes, calling the winged creatures "super-evil."

"It is time for the nations of the world to ask themselves: are you with us, or are you with the puffins?" the President said.

In a sign that the President may be ramping up the U.S.'s military presence in Alaska, Mr. Bush announced that the United States would deploy an anti-ballistic missile system at Fort Greely, Alaska by 2004, a move some analysts believe is intended to intimidate the arctic birds into submission.

"I'm a patient man," Mr. Bush told Congress, "but those puffins are really starting to piss me off."

While the President did not indicate plans to add any other U.S. states to the "Axis of Evil," White House aides say that Mr. Bush is leaning towards including the state of California, home to both Yosemite National Park and the actor Sean Penn.

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