Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

Onion is the best satirical magazine to read.

Yangon, Myanmar (UPSI) - Hundreds of bomb blasts shook the night sky of Yangon, the capital of Myanmar, and the city was plunged into darkness and confusion as American stealth fighters rained guided ordinance down upon key military junta installations. President Bush is expected to address the nation within the hour to outline the reasons behind what is viewed as a new opening in the war on terror. The surprise attack comes after the president offered harsh criticisms to the government of Myanmar and other dictatorships on the floor of the UN this morning.
Preliminary word from the White House indicated that the president had authorized the surgical strike and invasion on the basis of evidence that the military junta was attempting to acquire nuclear technology. In a variation of a successful sniper baiting tactic employed in Iraq against insurgents and terrorists, the White House stated that it had earlier dropped a shipment of aluminum tubes suitable only for centrifuge use covertly into the country as bait. When individuals then attempted to gather the materials, this was viewed as proof of nuclear intentions and the preventive attack authorized. The White House refused comment on the possibility that a similar international sting operation had been employed three weeks ago during an Israeli strike against Syria.

"We have high hopes that this will be a rapid campaign, and that the monks will be throwing flowers at the feet of our soldiers," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "In light of the newly expanded war front we will be dropping the term "war on terror" and substituting it with "war for freedom and democracy"."

Initial reports from Yangon claimed that thousands of monks and protesters have been killed or injured in the initial blasts. Reporters embedded with expeditionary American troops are saying that resistance has been limited to an occasional tracer round and monkeys throwing dung at the feet of American soldiers.


2
Unconfirmed sources report the head of Blackwater USA, the largest American mercenary army, has been chosen to be the next Prime Minster of Iraq. The election of Eric Prince and expulsion of current Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki occurred yesterday during a secret session of the Iraqi Parliament. During the historic session Iraqi parliamentarians revised the Iraqi constitution, dumped Maliki and elected Prince in just 45 minutes.
After his elevation to the post of Prime Minster Prince spoke to a reporter from deep within his Green Zone bunker.

"Today is a great day for Iraq and America alike. For Iraqi's my election to Prime Minster means that finally someone who can really work with the Americans is in charge. My relationship with the American government will allow the government of Iraq to gain focus and direction which it needs."

"Further, I just don't have any of the crazy sectarian baggage that is tearing this country apart. I'm glad the Iraqi's picked me to get this job done. I'm going to straighten this country out and bring peace to Iraq and prosperity to Blackwater USA shareholders."

The President of the United States cut short his visit to the United Nations to place a call to Prime Minster Price to congratulate him on his victory. He also informed Prince that since he was now sovereign of Iraq any investigation of Blackwater would be suspended.

http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53713

Bush Offers U.S. Attorneys New Positions in Iraq

In a bold attempt to end the controversy over the sacking of eight United States attorneys, President George W. Bush today offered the fired prosecutors what he called "exciting new positions" in Iraq.

With the President facing pressure from Congress over the firing of the attorneys and funding for the continuing war effort, Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House that sending the "surge" of eight U.S. attorneys to Baghdad was a "win-win" solution to both problems.

"Congress has been trying their darnedest to limit my ability to prosecute this war," Mr. Bush said. "Well, I can think of no one more qualified to prosecute this war than those eight prosecutors."

Mr. Bush said that dispatching a surge of lawyers to Baghdad will be send a strong message to insurgents and terrorists that they can no longer take the law into their own hands.

"I have strongly felt for some time that we need more suits on the ground," Mr. Bush said.

If all goes as planned, the eight prosecutors will be parachuted into Baghdad as early as this Wednesday, Mr. Bush told reporters, and could be prosecuting insurgents by Thursday.

While some in the White House press corps questioned if sending eight prosecutors to Iraq would really be enough to turn the tide of the war effort there, Mr. Bush said he already had plans to send additional lawyers if necessary.

"If those eight aren't enough, I'll send Gonzales," he said.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6717&srch=

Bush Creates Department of Faulty Intelligence

In response to what he called a "significant increase in the amount of misinformation about our enemies," President George W. Bush today announced that he was establishing a new Cabinet-level agency devoted solely to faulty intelligence.

By creating the Department of Faulty Intelligence, Mr. Bush said, "The United States will be able to respond swiftly and preemptively to false threats before they don't develop."

The President said that while the CIA and the NSA had both collected faulty intelligence in the past, "there is simply too much misinformation out there for those two agencies to handle."

Mr. Bush said that he hoped that the Department of Faulty Intelligence would not only increase the United States' capacity to collect false leads and red herrings, but that it would also help coordinate the sharing of useless information among the U.S.'s various spy agencies.

Mr. Bush used the announcement at the White House to introduce his nominee to head up the new department, James Frey, the author of "A Million Little Pieces."

Mr. Frey spoke mainly in general terms about the goals of the new agency, but indicated that it would focus on "the gathering threat" posed by Belgium's nuclear program.

In his brief remarks to the press, Mr. Frey said that he was uniquely qualified to head the Department of Faulty Intelligence because of his "deep roots" in the faulty intelligence community.

"I will be bringing over four decades of experience to this job," said Mr. Frey, 37.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6713&srch=

Bush Jumps the Shark


President Bush's decision to send additional troops to Iraq has puzzled many pundits: is the President stubborn, isolated, out of touch with reality? While all three may be true, there is another explanation: George W. Bush has been on television for the past six years, and like many TV shows entering a seventh season, Bush has jumped the shark.

Wikipedia defines jumping the shark as "the tipping point at which a TV series is deemed to have passed its peak, or has introduced plot twists that are illogical in terms of everything that has preceded them." Three telltale signs:

Same Character, Different Actor: For the first six seasons of the Bush administration, the character of the Secretary of Defense was played by Donald Rumsfeld. Then, without warning (unless you count his pre-election comment that Rumsfeld was doing a "fantastic job"), Bush replaced him with former CIA chief Robert Gates. Like the producers of "Bewitched," (two Darrins) or "Roseanne" (two Beckys), Bush may have thought that if he made the casting switch with no explanation, the viewers wouldn't notice. Unfortunately for the president, the Rumsfeld-Gates switcheroo was the most jarring since "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" (two Aunt Vivs).

New Kid in Town: Long-of-tooth TV series often resort to adding younger characters in the hope of breathing much-needed life into a moribund enterprise. Although this ploy almost never works, and the new characters usually wind up being reviled (Cousin Oliver on "The Brady Bunch," Stephanie on "All in the Family"), the Decider-in-Chief has ignored the lessons of television history and proposed adding not one, but twenty-one thousand new characters. Will "the surge" succeed where those other fresh faces didn't? I have just two words for you: Scrappy Doo.

Special Guest Star: A true sign of desperation is when a wheezing TV show with plunging ratings (in Bush's case, 30%) gives up on its regular cast altogether and tries to revive viewer interest by importing a guest star - often a celebrity from the world of sports who has no plausible relationship to the series regulars. (Reggie Jackson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Muhammad Ali all turned up on "Diff'rent Strokes.") Those who harbored any lingering doubts about Bush's shark-jumping status surely became converts during his State of the Union address, when the president looked up into the gallery of the House and introduced, on national television, Dikembe Mutombo.

Now that it is clear that Bush has jumped the shark, one question remains - have we seen the worst of the president's bizarre stunts and desperate Hail Marys, or are there more to come? On that front, the news is not good: this month marks the beginning of February sweeps.

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6689&srch=

Mods, please move this topic from politics to humour.

Yes.
Politics is nothing to do with humour.

Bush Authorizes US Attacks on Myanmar

Yangon, Myanmar (UPSI) - Hundreds of bomb blasts shook the night sky of Yangon, the capital of Myanmar, and the city was plunged into darkness and confusion as American stealth fighters rained guided ordinance down upon key military junta installations. President Bush is expected to address the nation within the hour to outline the reasons behind what is viewed as a new opening in the war on terror. The surprise attack comes after the president offered harsh criticisms to the government of Myanmar and other dictatorships on the floor of the UN this morning.
Preliminary word from the White House indicated that the president had authorized the surgical strike and invasion on the basis of evidence that the military junta was attempting to acquire nuclear technology. In a variation of a successful sniper baiting tactic employed in Iraq against insurgents and terrorists, the White House stated that it had earlier dropped a shipment of aluminum tubes suitable only for centrifuge use covertly into the country as bait. When individuals then attempted to gather the materials, this was viewed as proof of nuclear intentions and the preventive attack authorized. The White House refused comment on the possibility that a similar international sting operation had been employed three weeks ago during an Israeli strike against Syria.

"We have high hopes that this will be a rapid campaign, and that the monks will be throwing flowers at the feet of our soldiers," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "In light of the newly expanded war front we will be dropping the term "war on terror" and substituting it with "war for freedom and democracy"."

Initial reports from Yangon claimed that thousands of monks and protesters have been killed or injured in the initial blasts. Reporters embedded with expeditionary American troops are saying that resistance has been limited to an occasional tracer round and monkeys throwing dung at the feet of American soldiers.
http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53681


Bush Still Hooked on Phonics

A draft of a speech given by President Bush this year to the U.N. was accidentally released on the U.N. website, including phonetic spellings for countries and world leaders as prominent as new French President Sarkozy "[sar-KOzee]."

Perhaps even more shocking, The Gay Black Jew has learned that the President starts each week day watching the popular children's show "Sponge Bob." This is one of his "special times," like when he plays with his Etch-a-Sketch or his Legos.

Despite being hooked on phonics, the man in charge with the most important button in history still can't pronounce the word "nuclear," despite efforts by his staff to provide a phonetic aid.

Further background research by The Gay Black Jew investigative reporters has revealed that Bush used phonetics at Yale whenever he had to give a speech in front of a class.

Words as simple as strategy, diplomacy, compassion, ignorance, incompetence, intelligence and rational were all phonetically spelled in all his Yale speeches.

Democrats in Congress are working on a bill that will force the President to undergo a CAT-scan of his brain to determine its size, if there is some sort of damage or whether a small creature crawled into his brain through an ear.

Meanwhile, other world leaders have reached a heightened state of alert. The obvious stupidity of the most powerful man in the world has created a crisis internationally. It is now taken for granted that Bush will nuke Eye-Ran, creating an even greater mess in the Middle East and further deteriorating America's reputation.

White House Spokesman Dana Perino seemed caught off guard in yesterday's press conference. She danced around the issue, finally claiming that Bush can feed himself and dress himself each morning.

http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53680

Good night, and God bless America
BUSH
http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2007/09/surge2.asp

Dear George,

It's about time! For too long the internet has been a septic tank of anarchy and freedom, spreading its rank odor the length and breadth of America's Main Street. I am glad there are plans to pump it out and fill it with the concrete of decency and order.

We live in an age when there is no greater threat to our National Security than liberty. As DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff put it, the net is a "terrorist training camp" where every dissenting view that is posted carries within it a dormant seed of potential terrorist activity. You summed it up when you complained that internet bloggers are creating an "adversarial and ugly climate." Democracies sputter because they are so adversarial.

What I really love is a campaign to force bloggers to register with the government and to report their activities to Congress. Empire needs control and consensus if it is to grow.[1]

My only criticism is that these measures fail to address an even greater threat to our National Security than the internet.

George, there are millions upon millions of private rooms in America that are completely unsupervised. The potential for evil is staggering! Where do terrorists hatch their plots; where do criminals plan their crimes; where does sexual exploitation take place; where do pedophiles fantasize their fantasies?

Private rooms!

Bringing the internet under total regulation and surveillance is but a half measure as long as there is a single unmonitored private room in America.

The American people have a right to a total security that will be achieved only when we have a program of surveillance so comprehensive that the Department of Homeland Security will be able to count the pubic hairs on a hooker as she strips down for her next trick.

Your admirer,

Belacqua Jones

http://axisoflogic.com/artman/publish/article_24428.shtml

Dude,
Get a grip.

snood
this is just for your patience.

Bush Announces New Amercan Energy Source at New York Conference.

New York, NY (UPSI) - President Bush, in the opening address today at his hastily organized global warming summit in New York City, demonstrated for those in attendance his proposals for a cheaper, cleaner burning, more carbon neutral energy source for the United States. He further pledged to make the new fuel even cheaper as it becomes more adopted and standardized to other developing countries. He praised the Chinese for their efforts at initial development and asked for their continued support.

"The White House has always been aware and involved in the issue of global warming," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "It's one of the myths that we are attempting to overturn with our conference, and bring to bear good old-fashioned American ingenuity to the problem."


Laura Bush heads for Mid East Peace Summit


The White House also announced today that First Lady Laura Bush would be assuming ambassadorial duties and heading for a groundbreaking Middle East peace summit, which will address the Palestinian Israeli conflict as well as seek solutions in the partitioning and redistribution of Iraq as well as Iranian nuclear ambitions.

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice just happens to be stretched a little thin right now," stated Perino, "what with the global energy summit and fall clothing sales in New York."

http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53720

Bush Announces New Amercan Energy Source at New York Conference

New York, NY (UPSI) - President Bush, in the opening address today at his hastily organized global warming summit in New York City, demonstrated for those in attendance his proposals for a cheaper, cleaner burning, more carbon neutral energy source for the United States. He further pledged to make the new fuel even cheaper as it becomes more adopted and standardized to other developing countries. He praised the Chinese for their efforts at initial development and asked for their continued support.
"The White House has always been aware and involved in the issue of global warming," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "It's one of the myths that we are attempting to overturn with our conference, and bring to bear good old-fashioned American ingenuity to the problem."

Laura Bush heads for Mid East Peace Summit

The White House also announced today that First Lady Laura Bush would be assuming ambassadorial duties and heading for a groundbreaking Middle East peace summit, which will address the Palestinian Israeli conflict as well as seek solutions in the partitioning and redistribution of Iraq as well as Iranian nuclear ambitions.

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice just happens to be stretched a little thin right now," stated Perino, "what with the global energy summit and fall clothing sales in New York."

It's a Boy!


In an unrelated, but happier note, the White House today announced that the initial ultrasound results for first daughter Jenna Bush revealed that the president will soon have a grandson. The president was reportedly ecstatic upon viewing the picture, which has subsequently been classified, but registered some slight disappointment when the juxtaposition of the umbilicus was pointed out to him.
http://www.satiresearch.com/go.asp?sid=53720