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Tue 11 Sep, 2007 02:57 pm
Hi there, I'm new and looking for some advice about my daughter. She's a bright, vivacious, energetic, very verbal 4 1/2 year old. She's reading simple books, chats with me about birth, death, and all the stuff in between, and genuinely seems happy most of the time.
About once a day, though, we have this awful battle that reminds me of the stuff she did when she was two. Today was a particularly bad day. She woke up cranky, didn't want to go to the bathroom, then wanted me to "help" by holding her hands while she pooped, ranted because her braid had come apart, threw her toothbrush and toothpaste across the room, and then threw her bagel across the car (because after all the previous stuff, we didn't have time to eat at the breakfast table like we usually do).
When I got her to school, she settled right down and had a fine time, so when I picked her up at noon, I risked going on with our afternoon's plans. So we went and had a picnic in the car and then headed to the mall to return something and play a bit. The picnic in the car was more out of control than usual - she wanted to climb around the car, on me, and stick her head out the window, for example. I spent quite a bit of time reminding her that we eat sitting down (and not like a monkey) and finally had to close the window since she just couldn't help but want to start to climb out of it altogether.
As we walked to the counter, she saw several brightly colored things and wanted to look at them. That was fine, but I asked her not to touch. (We were in the lingerie department; no one wants little girl fingerprints on their new undies!) She had a very hard time doing that, and when we got to the counter, she continued to have a hard time listening - she climbed up on a chair, did her best to knock several things over, dropped a few things, etc. I asked her to get down and stand next to me. She did get down, but then dashed off across the store. She sat down on a step near the wall and watched me until I finished my transaction. I thought she had done what she's done many times before in stores and it was a game of keep away from Mama. At that point, I decided that she was too tired to really be able to listen to me, and let her know that we were going to head home rather than to the "squishy-bouncy stuff," which is a play area at the mall that she really loves. We call it that because all the things there are made of a foam-type material that squishes some when you press on it, and bounces some when you jump on it.
And thenÂ…. Complete meltdown. She screamed. She cried. She dropped to the floor. She wailed. I picked her up and carried her outside. She hit me. I turned her around and faced her away from me. She bit my arm and kicked me. I held her chest and feet in sort of a cross-body carry and kept walking. She struggled, she squirmed, she shrieked, she fought. She started scratching me. I grabbed her hands as well as I could, but got quite a few scratches (and a couple more bites) anyway.
I kept walking to the car. Tried to put her in the car seat, but she's strong enough now that I couldn't make her get in. I think that's when I got the bruise on my shoulder, but I'm not sure anymore. I know I got some more scratches then. So she ended up sitting in the parking lot screaming at the top of her lungs while I stood there and prevented her from running into traffic.
At one point she ended up back in the car and trying to get out the other side (thank goodness for lock controls on key chains), and honking the horn. Finally, after she attacked me again and I turned her around to hold her, I ended up in tears because she'd finally drawn blood and the scratches were really hurting. I yelled, "Stop it, you're hurting me!!" (I'd been saying calmer things all along, but I doubt she really heard them.)
At that point, she stopped and looked at me for several seconds, realized that I was truly crying, and then melted into my arms just sobbing. I finally got her in her car seat and we headed home - the whole way she told me that she wasn't going to calm down until she got to go where she wanted. I explained (and explained it again once she was truly calm, later) that she couldn't be with other people when she's not being safe. She told me she wouldn't do those things anymore, of course, but I explained that we needed to go home to calm down all the way.
By the time we got home, she was down to just tears instead of sobbing. As we got close, I told her that when we got there, I needed her to walk up the stairs and into the house, and then asked her what I had said. It took a couple of times for her to repeat it to me, but she did manage it - and also actually did it without any real fuss.
Thereafter, things slowly returned to normal. We went to the bathroom and then my fiancé called (my ex and I have been separated since DD was six months old; we share custody and time). I gave him a brief update on what was going on, and at that point DD explained to me that she had run over to the wall not to run away from me, but because she thought that was something that she could touch that wouldn't bother anyone, and she wanted to sit next to the mannequin that was near there.
Boy, that made me sad. That whole tantrum, in part, because I hadn't understood that she was actually trying to be proactive about behaving? Talk about "I'm a rotten mom" moments.
So I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I'm not a mind reader and have never been perfect, said that was a really good idea, and that it would have been a really good thing to use her words to explain what she was doing, rather than just throwing a tantrum.
After that we read Curious George stories for 45 minutes. She wanted to watch a video, but it seemed to me that it was important to do something that we could use to reconnect. Then it was nap time. Took a bit longer than usual to settle in, but nothing difficult about it. After she woke up, she was the cheerful, fun, happy child that I know on most days.
The trouble is, and the point of all this, is that it's only -most- days. There are a lot of tantrums, too. Most are minor tantrums - refusing to put on shoes and eventually launching one across the room. Those seem to happen once or twice a day. And then there are the major, violent, scary tantrums. There've been three of those in the last two months or so. The first time she roundhouse punched me and then threw her shoe at my head after I wouldn't buy her a Dora wastebasket. The second time, she bit me hard enough to leave a full set of tooth marks (and a wicked bruise) when she didn't want to go to bed. And then the time I described above, which was by far the worst.
In each of the cases of the worst tantrums, she was tired and/or hungry when they happened. And in general, tantrums happen more often when she's tired, hungry, or stressed in some other way. (She's not a fan of hot days, either.)
What I can't figure out is what I may be doing to provoke and/or intensify the tantrums, rather than avoiding them or limiting their effects. It seems to me that we're having a particularly hard time right now, partially because school just started and she's tired from that, and partially because she's been co-sleeping since she was a baby and we're working on getting her to sleep in her own bed all night. So that means a lot more awake time and stress on both of us. (The co-sleeping isn't full nights anymore. She sleeps in her own bed at my ex's house, and starts out in her own bed at my house. She'd been coming into my room in the middle of the night, though, which is the pattern we're trying to change. It had been tough because I often slept through that, but my ex found a suggestion of putting sleigh bells on the bedroom door, which is enough to wake me up.)
Oh, and if it matters, my daughter has been expressing a strong preference to be with my ex for the last few months. It used to go back and forth where she'd want to be with either of us, but nowadays I only hear it in one direction - away from me. I've gotten really good at answering "I want to be with [her other parent]!" with "I know you do, sweetheart," but it's gone on long enough that I'm starting to worry about what it means and if there's a problem I need to address.
So I'm trying to figure out what to do now, and I'm sorry this is such a long explanation. I've been looking for help on what "normal and expected" behaviors are at this age, and I've seen everything from "this is normal" to "take your daughter to a psychiatrist immediately." If anyone has any advice, recommendations, or thoughts, I would love to hear them. I'm tired, and tired of being the target for this kind of thing. Oh, and so far as I know, my daughter does misbehave with my ex, but has not reached the levels of violence I'm seeing. It may be that my ex simply doesn't tell me about it (we're okay at communicating, but not perfect), or it may be that they deal with things enough differently that this stuff doesn't get triggered.
Wow, that was a thorough and informative post! Most questions I had as I was reading were answered later on.
My first one was whether school had just started -- looks like it has. That's a big element right there. (I'm assuming it's preschool?)
Transitioning away from co-sleeping is another huge one.
Off the top of my head (my own 6-year-old wants some attention so this will be fast and then I'll come back to it), I'd recommend two things:
1.) Stop what you're doing when a tantrum starts. On the one hand you don't want to give her positive reinforcement, but on the other I think that once it starts she's at a whole 'nother level and really needs to be brought down to earth before you attempt anything else. I understand about getting out of the way, but going to a corner of a store or a bathroom or something. Just get down there with her, hold her, let her let it out. (I think I'll come back to this one, it's not quite all that I want to say.)
2.) Really put some energy into preventive measures. She may be a mature 4.5-yr-old but that's still little. Make sure she has enough to eat -- bring snacks with you. Make sure she has enough to sleep. If her mood seems iffy, stay away from "no" situations like lingerie departments. (I know you said that it seemed like things had improved since that morning.) Spend a whole lot of time focusing on her, close physical contact.
How new is the relationship with the fiance? How recently did he become a fiance?
More later...
Thanks so much for the reply!
sozobe wrote:My first one was whether school had just started -- looks like it has. That's a big element right there. (I'm assuming it's preschool?)
Yeah, this is preschool. It's her third year. (2-day twos, then 3/4-day threes, now 5-day 4s.) Nine of the 11 kids in her class are the same as last year, and she loves her teachers. No difficulties there at all, but she's been tired and emotional after school each day.
Quote:Transitioning away from co-sleeping is another huge one.
Don't I know it! But we're firm on it, and she's earning her way towards a Cinderalla dress (she is the girliest of girly-girls) by sleeping in her bed all night. Now if we could just get her to sleep through, rather than being awake for 1-2 hours in the middle. I feel like I've got a newborn again, I'm so tired.
Quote:1.) Stop what you're doing when a tantrum starts. On the one hand you don't want to give her positive reinforcement, but on the other I think that once it starts she's at a whole 'nother level and really needs to be brought down to earth before you attempt anything else. I understand about getting out of the way, but going to a corner of a store or a bathroom or something. Just get down there with her, hold her, let her let it out. (I think I'll come back to this one, it's not quite all that I want to say.)
Yeah, good point. In this case, we were already halfway out the doors when she lost it, so I just kept going. If I'd really stopped and focused on her, rather than focusing on getting to a "safe" spot, we might've been better off.
Quote:2.) Really put some energy into preventive measures. She may be a mature 4.5-yr-old but that's still little. Make sure she has enough to eat -- bring snacks with you. Make sure she has enough to sleep. If her mood seems iffy, stay away from "no" situations like lingerie departments. (I know you said that it seemed like things had improved since that morning.) Spend a whole lot of time focusing on her, close physical contact.
Yeah, I think I will. Thinking it over, I think I'm seeing that there's suddenly a lot more stimulation in her world than there was over the summer. She did the big physical growth spurt a month ago; maybe the brain is being overtaxed now.
Quote:How new is the relationship with the fiance? How recently did he become a fiance?
DF and I have known each other for nearly four years, been dating for two years, and have been engaged since Christmas. DD enjoys spending time with him and thinks the wedding stuff is fascinating. She wants me to wear a tiara and do the whole reception in pink. (Did I mention that I'm -not- a girly girl?
)
Oh, one other tidbit that may be useful. My ex and her husband (we're both women, so I have a fiance and she has a husband) are expecting a baby early next month. DD seems thrilled about being a big sister and hasn't exhibited any stress about it at all, though.
ThyPeace--
Your daughter threw a wing-ding tantrum in the mall. She was physically out of control--and she hurt you when you were trying to restrain her.
So you got her home and rewarded her bad behavior with a 45 minute reading session.
Obviously you have made the tantrums your problem rather than her problem.
Wouldn't you like to scream and shout--and hit and claw--whenever you wanted to? Of course you would--but you have learned to control yourself.
Doesn't your daughter deserve the same sort of civilizing behavior that you have? It is only a matter of time before she tries being Little Miss Outrage at preschool or with her friends.
As you said and Soz agreed, some tantrums can be prevented with planning, rest, food....but they should never be rewarded.
Story hour after a spectacular scene at the mall is telling your daughter that you love her unconditionally--and that her negative behavior has no negative consequences.
I had a tantruming two year old boy and found out through pure desperation that covering him with a blanket or a coat and peeking under every so often helped him get control of himself.
I appreciated his frustration--but I rewarded good behaviorand made it very clear that tantrums had consequences.
You think you're being an Understanding Mommie.--but you're being a wimp. A wimp with the best of intentions is till a wimp.
Perhaps she's threatening to live with Real Daddy as another power ploy and perhaps she wants a home with more direction and structure?
Remember, you're the Mommie. You make it clear what is and what is not acceptable behavior.
You're an intelligent woman with objectivity and a clear prose style. Your daughter must be formidable if she's pulling your strings at her age.
I agree with Sozobe and Noddy. I have one that is very emotional and when he loses control I literally have had to find a place, sit down and hold him and talk to him until he got control. Sometimes I think it was just plain being tired and not coping well with the things around him. I have either asked too much of him or he was just too overwhelmed by what was going on in his life. So when it happened I evaluated what was going on, how I could rearrange his schedule or help him cope better. I had carve out time for him to just sit with me looking out the window or sitting in the glider on the back porch. I made sure I got him settled for bed in a timely manner and I also made it clear that losing control was not the way to deal with it. I also had to come to terms with my own selfishness sometimes. Most of the time when that was going on I had a lot on my plate as well and I was forcing him to go along with me to accomplish what I had to. Or I was too busy to sit and give him attention like I needed to at home because of wanting the house to be clean and in order. It seemed to me it was as much my lack of awareness as it was his inability to control his surroundings.
Not that my situation is what you are dealing with but I will say that when I realized my part in all of it and his state of mind - it made me rearrange a lot of things and learn to start saying no, or another time. I don't want my children to rule the house either. I don't believe that is healthy for mine but I do want to be aware of their needs and their ability to cope with what I ask them to do. At that time he was not able to. He is 7 now and really has learned to control himself for the most part. He has a pretty wicked temper still though and I am still dealing with helping him control that and find healthy ways to deal with and outlets for all that energy it creates! He has not had an episode at school...I am waiting though. It is bound to happen, I hope not though. Maybe what we are doing here at home will help him there.
Best of luck to you and your little one as you figure it all out!
Hi Noddy, and thanks for the splash of cold water.
Noddy24 wrote:ThyPeace--
Your daughter threw a wing-ding tantrum in the mall. She was physically out of control--and she hurt you when you were trying to restrain her.
So you got her home and rewarded her bad behavior with a 45 minute reading session.
Hmmm. Did I? I may have. At the same time, she didn't get what she was absolutely determined that she wanted. Is that enough of a natural consequence to make clear that the tantrum is not an effective measure? I don't know. I also don't know is how much, at four, she can understand longer and more severe punishments. We are not done with this episode, either way. I suspect that we will not return to that play area until my scratches have healed, for example. And we talked, after she had slept and her brain was back to reacting the way I expect, about the whole situation and where the problems arose. Though she's four, explanations and calm reason really seem to help her understand how to work things through.
Quote:Obviously you have made the tantrums your problem rather than her problem.
Wouldn't you like to scream and shout--and hit and claw--whenever you wanted to? Of course you would--but you have learned to control yourself.
Is it my problem, rather than hers? Perhaps it is. When we're home, she gets a time out at the first sign of something like this, and has to apologize for causing damage of any kind. If there are lasting problems, she has to help make amends. When we've been through an exhausting ordeal like this, well, my judgement was that we both needed rest much more than we needed to continue things.
Quote:Doesn't your daughter deserve the same sort of civilizing behavior that you have? It is only a matter of time before she tries being Little Miss Outrage at preschool or with her friends.
Heh. My mom would thank you for the civilizing behavior comment. And then she would say, "I didn't do much. She was mostly outside for her entire childhood, or had her nose buried in a book."
And I'm not sure she'll act out with others. Not every child does, though some do. In my family, we were rotten at home and perfect in public.
Quote:As you said and Soz agreed, some tantrums can be prevented with planning, rest, food....but they should never be rewarded.
Story hour after a spectacular scene at the mall is telling your daughter that you love her unconditionally--and that her negative behavior has no negative consequences.
What would you suggest for consequences in this situation?
Quote:You think you're being an Understanding Mommie.--but you're being a wimp. A wimp with the best of intentions is till a wimp.
Actually, I'm a frustrated, tired, and imperfect Mama who's looking for help. I am not a wimp today, nor any other day.
Quote:Perhaps she's threatening to live with Real Daddy as another power ploy and perhaps she wants a home with more direction and structure?
It could be that, yes.
Quote:Remember, you're the Mommie. You make it clear what is and what is not acceptable behavior.
Yep. I get that.
Quote:You're an intelligent woman with objectivity and a clear prose style. Your daughter must be formidable if she's pulling your strings at her age.
Formidable, yes. I swear, she needs a whole city to raise her, rather than just a village.
Thy Peace--
What I hope I would have done in your circumstance--and I've probably got 40 more years of experience than you have and I wasn't on the front lines this afternoon--would be to announce.
I am tired and cross. My arm hurts here you hit me. My ribs hurt where you kicked me. I was embarassed by your behavior. I am going to have a Quiet Time--all by myself.
You are going to go in your room. You are not going to have a video. You may play quietly. I will call you when I feel sociable again.
I hope A2K can be your Child-Support City.
I'm glad that you want to solve your problem. Many of our Question Askers aren't really seeking Solutions (or Wisdom). They want validation for their behavior, blessings upon their allies and curses for the opposition.
Oh Noddy...that's good...I have got to write this down to use with the boys...is that okay with you?
I can only speak from my daughters experiences, and my new found patch of grey hair.
My daughter is 3.
And she was doing almost exactly what you are describing with your daughter. The only two things I have found that made it stop was her diet and making time for her to have a turn in every store.
The diet explination is simple. For her and I , we both love breads and fruits. I stopped giving her these things in the mornings and avoided high carb overload meltdowns in the afternoons.
The next thing I did was always try to give her a turn in every store.
I would explain that I was in a store ( or dad, or her friends mom.. WHO ever it was ) to find things to buy. Once I ( or we ) were done, then it was HER turn to look - ask questions - touch- play with toys.. what ever she wanted to do. Even if she just wanted to leave, it was her turn, and with basic rules, it was her call what happened.
I devote about 10 minutes per every 30 of mine to her and not only does she look forward to it, she quietly spends MY 30 minutes looking for things that she wants to check out.
the rule is that she has to stay close to me, and if she has any questions to ask, not yell , not walk away, and not pick up until my turn is over.
Then I happily, and rather loudly exclaim " Your turn! What do you want to see?"
It took about three weeks to a month of a combination of both to actually come to the point where I can say that over dramatic meltdowns are a thing of the past in public.
At home? Well.. thats another story all together.
Well!
I'm not as able a commentator on all this as the previous respondents are, but I'll pipe in to say that your question post, ThyPeace, was one of the most lucid starter posts, for people with a problem, that I've seen in my years at a2k. Welcome.
Mismi40, you hit on several things that are floating around in my head. Making sure that she and I are connected emotionally seems to smooth out many rough spots in our otherwise busy world. And when I'm not "present," things get dicey in a hurry. And yes, food and sleep are really important right now. Moreso, it seems, than they have been in some time. She's so active that I often think she has the same stamina as I do, when in fact she's much more of a sprinter while I'm a slow, steady marathoner.
Quote:He is 7 now and really has learned to control himself for the most part. He has a pretty wicked temper still though and I am still dealing with helping him control that and find healthy ways to deal with and outlets for all that energy it creates!
There's hope for mine, then! That's good, because she's been quite an expensive investment so far and I think her warantee is expired.
Noddy, thanks for the ideas about consequences. I've done that more than once. The night she bit me, I showed her the teeth marks, told her that was absolutely never going to happen again, put her on her bed, and told her to stay there until I was calm enough to talk to her. That night It took me two minutes and an ice pack to get to the point of being calm enough to talk to her. Thank god for much practice in transforming anger to more useful energy. It kept me from making a whole lot of unpleasant responses, and kept the adrenaline shaking down to a minimum. Even so, that was a one-off quick response thing, rather than several hours of steadily increasing intensity. Just like the frog, I'll jump out of hot water, but if you boil me slow, I stay way too long.
This last time, though, somehow that just didn't feel right. For one thing, we were both calm by the time we got home. The storm was over and we were both ready to come back together. I dunno, perhaps that doesn't make sense to you, but it seemed that way to me. Oh, and I'm seeking solutions, not validation. I've got an affectionate cat for when I need validation.
If you've got forty years more experience, you must be about the age of my mom. She's not all that helpful in dealing with DD; the last time we talked about it, she made the (patently ridiculous) claim that she never allowed us to make the kind of mess that DD and a little friend of hers made in about an hour of vigorous play downstairs. I kept quiet about it until after DD was in bed, and then reminded my mom of the times when it was impossible to walk through our play area because toys covered, literally, every square inch of the floor. Her response? "Really??? I don't remember that at all!" *sigh*
Shewolf, I really like your thoughts about diet. DD has never been a big fan of breakfast, but I try really hard to get something into her within an hour after she gets up. If I don't, she is soooooo cranky until lunchtime!
I also like the idea of taking turns in a store. That might help our grocery store challenges as well. DD loves to shop for all things pink, sparkly, and girly. Particularly shoes. I consider all forms of shopping to be drudgery ... particularly shoes. Giving her an outlet for all that exploratory energy seems like a very good idea. Other people like to engage their kids in their own shopping, but I never really feel like DD is interested in the same things I am. (Me: "Hey! Turnips and cabbage are half off this week!" DD: "Can we paint them pink, Mama?")
Ossobucco, thank you and awww shucks. I don't really think of it as one of my best efforts. Usually I'm more light-hearted than that first post; the fact that it's not is an indicator of just how stressed and upset I was. And tired, come to think of it, and I promised myself I'd go to bed early tonight. Since it's still 90 minutes before I usually go to sleep, this counts. Off I go.
Your Child- My advise
I think that you will always be the "bad guy" in the relationship only because you make her listen to you and you are her MOTHER. Do not feel so guilty that you need to buy her anything to make up for her father's short-comings. The only reason why she throws "Dad" up in your face is because he lets her get away with anything. Trust me...After the teenage years, she will finally realize that you were always there for her and on her side. She'll also remember when you intervened and were right on target, unlike her "Dad".
Yes, an excellent first post!
As usual, my reaction was the same as Noddy's. I have a 13 year old son who was extremely headstrong when he was your daughter's age.
I found that trying to reason with him was completely useless. He wasn't interested in reason, he was interested in getting what he wanted. Period. And he was willing to do whatever it took to get it. It became my job to let him know what was acceptable behavior and what was unacceptable. Period. End of story.
My son is/was very social. I learned the most effective consequence to give him was time alone. He hated that. He quickly learned that if he "lost it," he'd be sent to his room to play by himself for a good while. Pretty soon, all I had to do when the tantrum started was say, "Oh! Do you need to be by yourself for a while?" And the tantrum would instantly stop. He would pout for a while, but as long as he wasn't verbally or physically violent, I'd let him be sad. Sad is okay. Screaming and hitting and throwing things is NOT.
I know you're a Good Mommy, and you want to analyze the behavior in hopes you can prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, life can't be "managed" so well. And there's a good reason for that. Your daughter will have to learn to control herself when she's tired, hungry, sick and otherwise out-of-sorts. The sooner she internalizes that, the better...for you, for the general public (
), and mostly, for her.
ThyPeace wrote:...It took me two minutes and an ice pack to get to the point of being calm enough to talk to her....
Two minutes? After that scene?! Give that woman a trophy! It might've taken me an hour! :wink:
I agree with a time out. I'm sure no one here would agree but my kids would have gotten a smack on their bottom for this. The hitting you part is totally unacceptable. I don't think that it is the same thing at all.
THAT being said, the child had to behave all htrough preschool and probable needed some outdoor time before you left-good running around time. Also maybe a nap.
plantress wrote:...I'm sure no one here would agree but my kids would have gotten a smack on their bottom for this. The hitting you part is totally unacceptable. I don't think that it is the same thing at all....
My son would have gotten a spanking, too. :wink: And he would have known it was coming! No way would I have allowed him to attack me.
And before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and condemns me, I have to say that a simple swat or two on the bottom was nothing compared with the pounding he got from his peers when he tried that on them! Amazing how fast that put a stop to the hitting!
Everybody has given really good advice here, and I don't have much to add. I do recall, that age 4 was difficult (my daughter is now 5 1/2). And she and I are close and what you describe is familiar to me. As recently as a month or so ago I had to carry her out of a restaurant because she couldn't/wouldn't behave. She constantly tests the limits -- especially with me. She also has night time episodes that seem to be designed as a way for her to see how she can pull mommy's strings. It appears to me to be all about control. I've had to very firmly let her know that I am not her servant and that I have my own needs and desires to meet and that there are limits to what I will do for her.
You are more patient than I am. I don't respond well to violence and anger from my children. I have my breaking point -- I tend to yell and use the F-word, something I don't recommend, but which usually shocks my kids to silence (or sends them reeling with laughter, depending on my creativity). Luckily, it isn't a frequent occurrence.
It does sound to me that your daughter (like mine) needs to understand some basic limits on what is acceptable behavior -- especially towards you. Clearly, hurting her mother is not acceptable. Throwing her bagel is not acceptable. Not being safe is not acceptable. So those things need to have immediate consequences. You choose what they are as you know best what is effective for your daughter. You are not her punching bag and you don't need to take that kind of abuse from a 4 year old tyrant.
What I've noticed over time is that, with direct and swift consequences for this kind of behavior coupled with suggestions (offered after cooldown) for more appropriate behavior, these tantrums lessen in frequency and duration but don't disappear altogether. Even now, my daughter likes to test me to see if it's still not ok to throw a tantrum. Good luck! You sound very clear headed about the whole thing and I'm sure you'll pull through.
Yeah, I was going to say something about that last point -- that childhood seems to be about 3 steps forward and 1 step back -- or 3 steps back -- or 5 steps back. It's never really nice and linear.
My daughter is independent, mature, all kinds of good things, but she still occasionally has some clingy whiny days (she's 6 and a half). Yesterday was one of them. She came home from school and just wanted attention attention attention. I figured there must be some reason for it -- she insisted nothing happened at school (I asked), maybe it's just that the doldrums have set in after the initial excitement of "school's starting!", and she's tired and (this she did say) missing me. (This is her first time of being at school all day; she was in half-day kindergarten.)
At any rate, I went ahead and put other things aside (such as wanting to respond to this more thoroughly!!) and focused on her for a while. She was much calmer by bedtime, and seemed to be back to normal today.
Anyway, for your situation, setting limits, enforcing them consistently, and lots of preventive measures are my main recommendations. (I've found that if you are able to stage-manage situations in which it's easier for kids to be "good," they are more likely to think of themselves as "good" and then that self-image transfers more generally if you give it some time to take hold, and then start relaxing the constraints.)
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