Last Visit With The Most Important Guy In My Life

Wow.

My immediate, strong advice is DON'T carry on as if it is just another visit. However, unless he has plans to end his suffering at some specific point in the future, I don't think you can know that it is the last visit, either. Many people hang on for much, much longer than expected.

I really think that just laying it out is the way to go -- you hate to think about it, but it's really possible that this will be your last visit, and you want to be sure that you have no regrets, nothing that you wished you had said or done and then missed your chance. Then do it.

Good luck.

The last few times I went to my home town, Los Angeles, from where I live now near the Oregon border in California, I would go each time about an hour south of LA to see my aunt, who I loved very much. I think she was still 99 the last time I saw her; she died at age 100. She was still mostly mentally competent at 99, although encased in a body that was terribly frail. According to my cousins, she would have good and bad days, but my visits always coincided somehow with good ones. She was well aware of her predicament, and hadn't expected to live so long. She did some writing about her history, telling tales of her life in the northwest US, back in her eighties, and still told stories during visits. Her children, my cousins, were by then quite sick of her stories, but I was a fresh ear, a fresh heart. My cousins and I had different situations with our parents...mine died decades ago, and I would cherish one more long conversation, and theirs lived long and needed a great deal of nursing...so while they loved the parents, there wasn't the avidity that I brought into the room.

Talking about her situation, and about dying, came up in those conversations, but I don't remember the words. I remember that she could still joke, up until the last visit. And I remember the last words, which were from each of us, I love you very much.

Give him plenty of hugs, smiles and words you know he loves to hear (I love you, You are the greatest Dad, etc.).

In a lighter tone, I remember thiinking many times, when my ex and I left after dinner with a friend who had very poor health, that it might be the last time we were going out the door. That went on about twelve years, he was very resilient.

But I agree with Sozobe on treating it as a real last time and saying what you have to say.

Be with him, talk about everything you can think of, get all of the questions out, share memories, tell him what a great father he is, let him tell his stories AGAIN, cater to his every need and wait on him hand and foot especially if you're a daughter (sorry ladies but you know what I mean) and just let him know that he is loved and cherished. I spent four days with my father in Chicago, three months in a row, before he passed away and I'm telling you, I wouldn't trade those days for anything. My father died knowing how much I adored him.
The angst is real. You feel the guilt of not being there. You just have to suck it up. I talked to my father about it, feeling guilty, and he told me not to. So I did my best not to.
If you've got a good bond with your father, and it definitely sounds like you do, now is the time to wrap it up. It's a hard time but we do what we gotta do.
I cried when I got the chance. Mostly during my flights home.

Sometimes people don't adore their parents who are dying. But I think expressing what love and understanding are there is important if you can..

been there 5 years ago. was sad, wore me down being the oldest and having to deal with it all but worth it.
i drove from here to fla and when i got there my dad was in a curled up fetal postion, 'bout 90 lbs in a doublewide,,,,i changed all of his whatever and waited.
he was in and out off and on but it was the best week i've ever spent with him.
he spoke in gaelic one minute, german, russian the next,,,,all nonsense but he went out in style and we buried him in style.

my birth mother passed a week after 9/11, i had only known her about a year, i was the oldest of 7 and the only one present and with her when she passed. that was a real tough one but worth it.

talk to him, tell him you love him and just be there for him.

I've been reading this thread with interest. My heartfelt best wishes and condolences to you all. I have recently witnessed both of my parents in their dealings with their own parents' deaths and declines (not in that order....). I have come to dread the day where I have to say the last good bye to either of my parents. Luckily, we don't have terrible relations to repair or come to terms with.

I feel your wonder...
Last year my Grandmother was to be visiting relatives in Florida and I knew that would probably be the last time she would be on this side of the country and me able to spend quality time with her.
I feel good that although it would most likely be the last time I saw her in good health and good times that it didnt end up being that while I was there.
I spent time taking her to the beach and she collected seashells for me, out to lunch and we strolled happily and then laughed like kids in the rain, helped her with all those little things like food and clothes and listened to her stories over and over again. I gave her lots of hugs and told her how much I loved her. I will cherish that time for the rest of my life, and knowing going into it I really dont think changed how I interacted with her except for making sure she knew I cared so much.
I recently found out that my Uncle whom she was staying with during that visit is battling cancer and its pretty severe. The fun we all had in the evenings, the time spent with them now makes it such a cherished trip that Im glad I just realized the value of it beforehand.
Realizing the value and cherishing those in your life while you have them is the simplest step and yet such a large one.
I wish you much joy and love, cherished moments, and many years to come if at all possible but applaud your ability to think about what will be at some point and know that you are blessed for that alone.

There is no room in this life for regret.

Butrflynet ~ please don't treat the visit with your Dad as just another visit. Treasure it and look forward to the next visit.

My mother spent years of her life living in Corpus Christi because she did not want to be away when her father died. Even when it was to her better interest to be someplace else, she stayed put. Ironically, her father out lived her by about twenty years.

I'm looking forward to the stories and memories, both mine and his. I'm going to bring some photo albums with me to help with that. He lives two doors down from his sister who still lives in the same house they were both born in. He isn't bedridden, but is extremely feeble, just about anything can topple him over, and his mind and hearing are on their way out. It will be much easier, and less frustrating, trying to talk with him in person then it is on the phone.

Making this visit will be a financial hardship on me, but I feel the need to do so before it is too late. I also need to find out for myself what the state of his finances and living environment are. He evades any direct questions I ask about it. The fact that he periodically asks me for money to pay bills has me worried about him and feeling helpless to help him. He may live longer then I am expecting him to, but I won't be able to make many more trips back to visit him. I want this visit to be a memorable one for both of us.

Thanks for all the wisdom. I've taken it to heart and appreciate the well wishes.