Emotional Cheating, Objectification, Now I need HELP !!!

Luvmy--

Welcome to A2K.



I think your colleague wants to be sure that the two of you avoid deeper emotional entanglement. He felt the situation was getting out of control and rather than damage his marriage or your marriage he's putting emotional distance between you.

That's the impression I had, too.

Perhaps he no longer wants to be that close to you.
Let it, and him, go.

I think its helpful to remember that while we often judge ourselves by our intentions, we are often judged by others by our actions.

I'm pretty confused by your post, luv.

Your oncologist/friend was not the sister-in-law's oncologist, was he?
Neither were you, or were you?
The sister-in-law has died and you are still calling the oncologist to talk about your grief?

Instead of wondering or guessing what the problem is why don't you just ask him. If you feel he is a friend, he should be able to answer you.
Then you will know why he is acting the way he is.

I'm not sure at all about this poster, her reasoning in this situation, or her reason for repeating her story over and over on different forums on A2K.
Even her user name is a bit too much, if you know what I mean.

"Thou doth protest too much"

She claims to be a professional, yet her grammar sucks and her actions don't seem very professional to me.

Me thinks she is a leach on this poor oncologist, and he's trying to get her off of him as delicately as possible without it turning into a stalking situation.

Just an opinion on my part. Maybe I'm reading between the lines, or maybe I'm just in a bad mood.

----off topic----

Happycat, you are TOO cool! You used "protest too much" the way it actually is supposed to be used It's a pet peeve of mine, how people always use it wrong...

Okay, back to the topic now

clarification


My Oncologist friend is here i n US where I work as a physician. My sister in law was out of the country. There is a lot taht is changing in Oncology. Every day there are new advancements and unless you are in that field it is hard to keep uptodate. My only way of helping her was to give advice from the US re; her treatments and supporting her.

I think I mentioned that I have stopped sharing any Emotions with him since she died but we work together everyday and have to talk about patients every day.

I appreciate everyone's advice who was supportive and it was very helpful.

Regarding my Grammer, I think It looks bad because I cant type. Never had to learn!! where I went to school it was a Secreterial skill. Believe me I wasa a writer even a poet although English is not my first language. Medicine has partly robbed me off of my communication skills and I do not know why.

As far as my name I tried many different ones and they were all taken but what is too much about " Luvmykids and hubby" I really do. Don't have much more in Life. Since my dearest friends death I have gone part time because Life is just too short and I realized what is most valuable to me right now is My family, friends and the Real Me.

Thank you for answering, luvmy, I understand much better now that you did, and am more sympathetic to your situation.

Dear Happy Cat, I am sorry if my redundancy annoyed you but hoe do I know that you read all the posts ? I don't. First I was intrigued by the idea of Emotional Objectification and wondered If that is what I have been doing unconsciously. Then I came across the other Emotional Cheating post and shared my views on that one. Still no answers then I had to start a post.
Maybe you were in a bad mood but your comments were very hurtful. I hope you never ever go through what I went through , Loss of My dearest friend, Sister in law who was dearer than my own sister and to whom I was the Pillar of support. Being a physician the hardest thing is when you can See the Unseen, No one My brother, My Dad My Mom or even her wanted to hear she will die. Knowing that was a slow poison to me. I almost went into a shock right before her death. I questioned God and everything else. Maybe that is enough justification for my "Unprofessional actions"

Thanks
Thanks for your unerstanding Ossobuco. You did make me feel so much better.
I have never participated in a forum before. If I knew A2K may be I would not have needed anyother support.

It is hard to have the first time you have participated in a forum be a time of posting about your own emotional upheaval.

I do understand now how your reached for consultation and understanding from your oncologist friend. A colleague's dependence is hard to carry, though - you need to understand professional boundaries there. It does appear time to let go, both of dependence on that friend, and to work away from your grieving for your sister in law. You have a husband, who you didn't want to put your grief on to, on top of his own. But, you need to move on together, and experience the joys of life together.

That is what I am trying to do. I only work on weekends.

Sorry, I call 'em as I see 'em.

In your 2nd post you say "but we work together everyday and have to talk about patients every day."
Then in the same post you say "Since my dearest friends death I have gone part time...."

Then in the most recent post, you say "I only work on weekends."
Make up your mind.

If you're still overly-confiding in this other doctor after all this time, and he's trying to extricate himself from this relationship....then it's time you take the hint. Do you need a piano to fall on you?
Start confiding in your husband. Remember him?

Ok Dear happy Cat., I cannot put every little detail in the post but you seem to pick on just negatives much quicker. I think you owe me an apology. I was writing a reply then my husband and kids called me and i sent what i had written hoping to return to it later not knowing you will find some flaws in my statements.
I think my husband knows as much as all of you . He worries about this nice guy and hope he did not feel used in any way and that is my concern too. My husband also knows he was not able to share my grief with me because he had just lost his Dad and was extremely busy with his business.
Re; Work My friend I just signed my new Contract 2 days ago I wanted to go part time sooner but another one of my male Colleagues ( No Emotional Cheating Involved) was having a baby and I had worked 3 Weeks and weekends without any break. I just got off this past week and will now be working partime mostly on weekends. Starting labour day weekend. With my previous work arrangement I would never had time to log on to A2K.

I relized that bnoth me and my husband are working 12-14 hrat our jobs. With 2 little kids 7 and 3 and full time live in Nanny. So Me and my colleagues and most people who work in the Hospital do see each other more than our families and we constantly Joke about it. most of us get up at 4-5 Am and return any where between 6-7 pm. I realized this is not right for my kids, myself and my husband and I am making changes as I see appropriate. As far as my friend he also called me this morning said he is Physically, Mentally and Psychologially exhausted from his 14 hour days. He is also trying to spend as much time with his family. I wish him a lot of happiness. I felt he was rude and short with me a couple of times but if it is to distance him emotionally or to get more time to spend with his family that is perfectly fine. I just needed to know. Obviously I had a guilt but I was concerned about him. The last thing I want him to feel is used or Emotionally Objectified. If I did anything wrong it was not on purpose. The last thing I would Do is TO LEACH OUT on any one let alone this nicest peerson. I plan for our families to get together and stay in touch as nice friends . I did leave my Full time Job for my family and myself.
It hurts me that I cannot make you see things the way that Ossobuco and some other people did. Your comments although hurtful are so far from reality that it actually make me relieved. Like I said this Emotional Objectification was a intriguing new concept that I never knew about. IT made me think about it. I wanted to know If I did anything wrong, because I think I might have used this phenomenon.
So tell me Happy cat what else you find wrong because now you are making me feel better about myself. I need to take my kids to the Mall my Little one is getting her ears pierced. I also am planning a Baby Shower for another colleague actually both Mom and Dad work with me. I plan on inviting my friend over. Will keep U posted. Will check on the post later tonight to see what U think.

Luvvy, don't feel you have to explain things to me. I responded to you based on what you said in your first couple posts.
You felt guilty about a number of things and now you feel better about yourself.
I'm glad I could help.
So be happy.

Luvvy, don't feel you have to explain things to me. I responded to you based on what you said in your first couple posts.
You felt guilty about a number of things and now you feel better about yourself.
I'm glad I could help.
So be happy.

I feel happy but is this your way of making people feel happy, happycat. In the little psychology that I had to take in Med School we learned that the first rule of communication is to put yourself in the other persons shoes. In my first post I started by already admitting the guilt and asking people where I went wrong. You respond by calling me a Leach On. Not that anyone I know ( whose first language is English ) has ever used this as a phrase, but knowing wat leaches are that can't be a good thing. That made me explain things to you in more detail.
Also FYI I did not initiate the process, He offered help when he learned about my Father in laws death and her illness. I think he meant help as medical consultant more than a colleague but also mentioned that Oncologists develope certain defense mechanisms that let them deal Death. My other Colleagues encouraged me to talk to him. While my husbands responses were, My Dad just died too " It is gods Will' and We all have to Die, Think about your kids what t if you had a breakdown" (which although very real were not helpful at that stage, he was just trying to solve the issue ) My friend just listened without offering any comfort or solution because there was none. Knowing we do not even treat Major depressive symtoms for initial 6 months of grief as it is considered a expected natural course. Now if you think we discussed any thing else other than death and dying and coping mechanisms and that is why U called my actions "unprofessional "and thought I "leached On" to him , maybe you assumed incorrectly. If you tell me you use such words often in your conversations and posts that would be a relief but if there was something in my post that particularly ticked You off then I would explain further. Again I apologize for my poor Grammer I really wanted to study English literature and wanted to be a Masters in English Literature. But my Dad really wanted me to be a Physician and he could not be happier. I think life would give me more chances to study languages and improve on Grammer. I still won't call people Leach on and Unprofessional on my first Encounter.

Luvvy, first of all I did not call you a Leach On. Here is what I said and I can't for the life of me figure out how you misread it, unless you read as poorly as you type:
"Me thinks she is a leach on this poor oncologist, and he's trying to get her off of him as delicately as possible without it turning into a stalking situation."

Besides that bizarre miscommunication, I still stand by my statements and you really don't have to explain anything else to me personally, because frankly I've lost interest.