We resemble his parents' 30-year unhappy marriage at 3!!

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I'm 22, he's 25.

Quick overview: We met March 2004, moved in together May 2004, pregnant at the end of May, and married December 2004. During this time, it was that special "click" thing people talk about. We KNEW we wanted to be together and have one another's children. He's the only man I have ever fully trusted with being faithful (I have lots of relationship baggage). He has only had one long term relationship which ended in her leaving him and taking everything he had.

Everything with us has been picture perfect until about a year ago. I don't even know what happened! I do know that we are resembling his parents marriage! They hardly speak unless absolutely necessary. They have separate parts of the house that they live and even SLEEP in!

We are currently living an hour and a half away from all family and friends. We moved here to make money at a job offer about 2 years ago. He works 12 hour days at a packing plant while I stay at home with our 2 1/2 year old. I have had trouble finding new friends here and he is my only vent in terms of adult conversation and interaction. Yet, when he comes home, every conversation turns into an argument. He usually ends up spending the evening in front of the computer screen while I sit in the other room watching television. This only consists of 4 hours, though, since he works so much and then needs to rest, of course. We have ups and downs, but they tend to basically be my personal emotional roller-coaster since he shows VERY little emotions. He's almost emotionless! I think that's due in part to his father (he's a drunk and since his brother died he seems ready to go as well), and his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes I believe that he thinks his parents marriage is how it should be or is "normal"! I FEAR that life immensely!

I am pregnant with our second child right now. I have to say that I honestly wasn't sure if we should have another, because of how far apart emotionally we have grown. He insisted though, and I agree I want my daughter to have a sibling. I'm not at all unhappy about being pregnant, I just can't get the thought out of my head of ending up a single mom of two. I never want to leave him, but I feel sometimes like he isn't marriage material! I think he married me because that's what people do, and at the time he felt "something".

Let me know what else I need to share to get some answers. I am desperate and extremely lonely here. Crying or Very sad

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Kansas85- Welcome to A2K!

What you are saying does not surprise me. People learn how to behave from their parents. They get the first concept of a married relationship from their foks. Often, they mimic the dysfunctionalities that they have observed in their parents' home.

I remember the first time that I met my stepdaughter's husband. (They live far away, so we did not see her much). I was shocked at the way that they interacted. Some time later, I had the opportunity to meet his parents. His mother related to his father in the exact same way that he and my stepdaughter related. Needless to say, they were subsequently divorced.

I think that you need to discuss your unhappiness with your husband. Don't place blame, which will just make him defensive. It might be helpful to say something like, "I am feeling unhappy about what is happening with our relationship". In other words, own what you are saying. Be careful not to criticize. The two of you have a problem, and you need to work it out together.

Observe his reaction. See if he is willing to take steps to improve the relationship. This cannot be done overnight. It took him years to learn a certain way of relating, and he will not be able to change overnight. The important thing is to see if he recognizes your unhappiness, and is willing to work with you to help better the situation.

Once you get this all out in the open, you will have a better idea as to whether the two of you are willing to work to save your marriage. You might want to consider marriage counselling, where a professional can be there to help things along. Good luck, and let us know how things are going.

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

I think that you need to discuss your unhappiness with your husband.

You might want to consider marriage counselling, where a professional can be there to help things along.

I am very vocal with him about my feeling with everything. I have mentioned on several occasions that I am unhappy. He listens to me then eventually acts like it was never said because he believes the problem is fixed or he doesn't want to deal with it (I'm not sure which). I have also mentioned marriage counseling because I know we are not able to communicate to one another He thinks counselors are BS and he says "I would rather fix my own problems".

I think his reasoning for this (with counselors) is that he was once in the Army. He was with that ex-girlfriend at the time and she thought she might be pregnant. He had to speak to counselors in the Army, and convince them that he was too crazy to be in the Army, so he could go home (this was a lie). He was able to do this. I'm not sure on the whole story though.

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You don't work. You have no friends. You have no other adult outlet except for your husband. Aren't you putting alot of pressure on him to fulfill your every need?

If you had your druthers, what would you like for him to do?

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my druthers?

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I'm sorry. Generational miscommunication.

If you had your wish, what would you like for your hubby to do to make things right for you?

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I would wish that once in a while we could have a normal conversation without having an argument. I would also wish that we could share an interest in something. I find that a lot of married couples share something, for example, television shows, boating, fishing, biking, skating, computers, reading, etc. We have none of that.

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Also, I would love for him to look at me as a friend and not just a sexual object. I sometimes feel that's his only interest in me.

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I think she means your preference or choice...If you had your choice what would you want him to do.

I have a husband who is much like that. He is the logical one and I am the feeler. He is the basket and I am the balloon and my basket bottoms me out sometimes. When we first got married it was great because we did have fun and could do what we wanted to when we wanted to. When I got pregnant with twins everything changed. I needed my emotionless man to meet my emotional needs and he did not know how. He and I both screwed up at not meeting each other half way. I really had to learn to take his face in my hands and love on him the best I could while getting him to understand he was going to have to try to help me. We have three children now - a set of twins that are 7 and a 4 year old. It is better. I think some men just do not know how to help us when we are in need emotionally - they want to fix it and when they cannot - they close down. We on the other hand don't really expect them to fix it but are frustrated when they close down, because we want them to respond to our emotions.

I think patience and time usually relieve it. I have made him move the computer into the den. So that we are in the same room at least. If he asks me something I make sure I get up and listen well. I try to give him priority in the little bit of time he is home. I am still resentful of him at times because I do not think he really thinks of me as a priority but I have found ways to see that he does love me...I just have to look in places I don't expect sometimes. Marriage is hard work...and it takes a lot of give. Much more compromise than I thought...but I will say that it gets better. Thankfully he makes me laugh and maybe the answer is try to find the thing that makes you happy about him...and encourage it in him. I just try to get him to be funny by playing and enjoying him when he is in a good mood...I just leave him alone when he is being a pain in the butt....I think he does the same with me...A lot of times my problem when things are hard is I am selfish and keep wondering why he is not taking care of me. I feel sorry for myself and he really hates that. I kind of have to see it in myself and boot it the best I can and then move on.

I really don't have a great answer for you - and every marriage is different. But I know how you feel and it is a voyage of discovery. I hope you find what you need to get those needs met.

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Thank you! That sounds a lot like us! I appreciate your feedback.

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mismo, little girl, where have YOU been? You are a truly wise person. You've actually learned from you experiences. Many don't. Glad to have you on board.

Kansas85, I don't think anyone could have broken it down better for you than that. I'm 51 yrs. old, been married for 12 years and that's pretty much the way it is/was for us too. If you love your man and you KNOW that he loves you back, that's only half of it. A great start.

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I was about to remark on your location kansas. Wasn't it Bum ****? If that's where you're living, maybe y'all need to move? Smile

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hahahaha! Yeah it's a horrible place, but we were both born and raised about an hour and a half from here. It's hard to move to far from family with a 2 year old and one on the way!

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I had a boyfriend who went to college in North Newton, Kansas. Anywhere near there?

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We are about 2 1/2 hours from Newton, but my husband has some family there. We are in the Southwest corner of Kansas. Better known as "bumf*ck, Kansas" hahaha! Literally, there is nothing out here!

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So, let me get this straight. The problems we are currently having will never go away? I just have to learn to deal with them if I love him? I know it sounds pathetic, but marriage isn't all it's cut out to be! I guess it's no different than life. As a child, you think growing up is like a fairytale...eventually you grow up and life slaps you HARD in the face...repetitively.

I wonder sometimes why we don't just have mass suicides at the age of 20.

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You made the choice, sugar. Always remember that.

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Thank you eoe.... Very Happy

Kansas, life is hard whether you are in or out of marriage with sprinklings of happy, joyous moments in between. You just have to make the best of your life within the choices you have made. Honor your vows and love your husband the best you can. There is divorce, but divorce with children is hard as well. There are other men...but with knowing each other comes taking for granted and selfishness and it will be just as hard. The point being "The grass is always greener on the other side" and of course once you get over there it is never as green as it seemed across the fence. Stay put. Do your best....try to let him know you love him the best you can and then tell him what you long for wih him. Once the kids are older it will take some of the pressure off...I would say anyway...every marriage is different.

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date night
I've been living with boyfriend for 12 years now and to me our relationship is just like a married couple. Sometimes there are times when we need to 'reconnect' as a couple and remind ourselves of those little things that pulled us together in the first place. Recently we have instituted 'date night' where we plan to do something together that we can share. This is a night we put our 'personal' activities aside and plan to do things alone together such as watch a move, (netflix is great for this) go out to dinner and take a walk in the park after, read books out loud to each other, listen to music and talk, take a bath together etc. I realize with kids it may be difficult but if you can arrange for a sitter once a while and allow yourselves some time together without the pressure of 'needing to fix' your relationship, it may be just what you to need to keep that fire kindled. Just my opinion of course, but it has worked for me Very Happy

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Kansas--

Eoe and Mismi have given you excellent advice.

Quote:

He listens to me then eventually acts like it was never said because he believes the problem is fixed or he doesn't want to deal with it (I'm not sure which).

Your husband is willing to listen to you vent--lots of husbands won't listen--but he can't solve the problem because the problem is yours.

I'm guessing you're a one-car family?

Being home with a charming toddler is a brain-sapping experience. My mother lived through WW II with three children in diapers and swore that if it weren't for the telephone she'd never say anything except "hot" or "wet" or "dirty".

Can you afford--although you might need to budget--one of the calling plans where long distance calls are either free or a very low rate? Being an hour and a half away from family and friends is hard but the telephone wire can be a life line.

Is there a park within walking distance with playground equipment? Parks and playgrounds are a wonderful place to meet other young mothers. I'm still friends with a woman I met in the '60's at the Riverside Park 103rd Street Sandbox.

When your husband is home, can he watch your daughter while you go grocery shopping or run errands? Just getting out of the house without clenching a sticky little fist is liberating.

Check out A2K and other sites on the computer for socializing during the day. Check out the news sites for conversational topics with your husband. What does he think about Michael Vick? About Karl Rove? About Don Imus?

Just as importantly, what do you think about these people.

Date night is a great idea.

Also, what little romantic guestures have you been making lately? Catering to Your Man is very old fashioned, but sometimes old fashioned works. What are his favorite dishes? What sort of clothes does he like?

The hard part of "old fashioned" is to convince yourself that he works hard and deserves the time he's spending on the computer--at least some of the time.

Good luck.

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We resemble his parents' 30-year unhappy marriage at 3!!

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