Adventure 2 Know - Story-a-long the A2K way

Excuse me sez Sglass as she exits her new home in cell C at Alcatraz, she dusts seagull poo off her imaginary stetson and casts a baleful eye at the skyline of San Francisco knowing she would never see the big outside again.

"I'm sorry Roxxxanne, I am so sorry that I stole your tights and colorful horizontal striped leg warmers (she's trying out for the San Franciso ballet) and your fur vest is so cozy since there is no heat in this place. The judge said it was a no no and I would never see the light of day again for being a bad girl. "I used to get paid for it".

My rap sheet sucks. For Pete's sake why is the Monteray police upset with me for stealing John Steinbeck's bust from Montery Wharf and putting it in the shark tank at the aquarium. I just wanted to wash the seagull poo off. No gratitude those west coast woozies.You should have seen the look on CI's face when they put the leg irons on me and Merry Andrew why were you laughing you a@@ off. Oops I forget you don't have one, the IRS got it already.


to be continued

Jespah took it upon herself to visit Sglas and Merry Andrew at their place of confinement. Farmerman had given her a recipe for getting them out of Alcatraz. This somehow involved DrewDad's plan to sew a cover for their rocketship.........

{no prob, Miss Mame, have fun with the kids}

{back to the story}

and involved buying up all of the Earl Grey tea in Istanbul.

"Why?" asked kicky. "Why couldn't it be a fun place, like Rome or something. I mean, I keep getting it confused with Constantinople."

Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night

Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

Istanbul (Istanbul)
Istanbul (Istanbul)

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

"Okay, that was catchy, but it still doesn't answer the tea question." said dagmaraka.

"True. Well, you see, a rocket cosy is sort of like a very large condom. It requires special conditioning and ..." Setanta started.

"Lubricant!" yelled Diane. "Oops, sorry to interrupt. But in any event, why use tea when you could use KY?"

"Tea is generally cheaper, plus it dyes it a fetching neutral ecru tone." said lezzles.

"Ecru! That's the word I needed to finish the Big Stinkeroonie Crossword Puzzle I've been working on for months!" yelled Dutchy.

"But what's this about a jailbreak?" asked onyxelle. "I mean, we September babies would never break the law."

"Yeah you would." said Reyn, sniffing. "That's why I'm not really a September birth."

"Anyone born in the ninth month is born to raise hell or at least lima beans." said edgarblythe decisively. "Now, once we get the rocket cosy all nicely dyed and lubricated, and fitted on the rocket, then what?"

"A splendid battering ram, it would be." said Drewdad, suddenly talking like Yoda. "Break down the jail cell door, I think it would."

"What's gotten into him?" asked husker.

"Well, it's better than talking like Daffy Duck." said Lash.

"FreeDuck! I'mma comin' to getcha!" said gus, chasing FreeDuck around the room.

"Focus, people! The Earl Grey is almost all brewed!" said littlek.

"Good thing I had a big enough microwave." said farmerman. "You can fit sixteen odd poodles in this baby." He patted the side of the monstrous contraption.

"Odd is right." said ossobuco. "Odder than odd. Quick, the cops! Pretend to be making tea for legitimate purposes!"

Everyone whistled and otherwise feigned innocence. The cops left quickly.

"Whew! I thought for sure they'd get me on that loitering charge I have pending!" sighed Ogionick.

"Okay, the tea's ready!" sang out Bumblebeeboogie. "It's my special blend of Earl Grey, Grey poupon and an old grey turtleneck someone left at my house back in '78."

Everyone helped place the rocket cosy over the rocket and then put the whole shebang into the vat of tea.

A bell chimed. "It's ready!" cheered eoe.

The 75,000+ A2Kers, the rocket, the tea-stained rocket cosy and a bag of microwave popcorn (for that is why the bell went off in the first place) all hurled themselves at the jail cell door.

"One, two, twelve!" yelled Gargamel.

The door began to give way ...

... as it would have even without the contraption since there are now 75,000 A2Kers all pushing to free the legendary Merry Andrew and Sglass.

"What are the chances that both Merry Andrew and Sglass would be confined to the same cell?" asked DebraLaw.

"100% from what I have heard," smirked Slappy.

Just then..............

a meteor struck, barely missing the A2Kers, yet it left an impressive hole in the ground.

"Let's pour some water down it and see which way it goes!" suggested mismi.

"What is it with you Yanks and water spirals?" asked dadpad. "It's like you never saw a toilet flush before! Wait, uh, you do have flush toilets, don't you?"

"What's a toilet?" asked gus, and everyone moved away from him quickly.

Merry Andrew and Sglas quietly slipped away while 75,000 horrified A2Kers watched Gus take advantage of the meteor hole.

"Morgannnk, I am so sorry that you had to witness that on your first day here," said Region Philbis.

"Maybe some of the brand new A2Kers can contribute to the narrative on this thread," said onyxelle.

"That would be great," said wandeljw. "I am running out of ideas."

Gus drew back in alarm as steam shot out of the hole. "Holy swamp-livers, Batman!" he cried.

wandeljw's eyes almost bugged out of his head as an arm appeared out of the steam. "Look! Look!" he stuttered.

With a lightning bolt and a poof, Craven rose out of the steam and floated over to Jespah. "Jespah, I'm disappointed in you. You haven't been working nearly as hard at moderating as you have on this damn rocket condom. Put away your knitting and come with me! We're going to have a meeting of the minds in Costa Rica, where I've given up working and taken up gambling."

"Gambling is bad, Craven" responded Jes. "Maybe you should take some investment advice from dys. He is getting fantastic returns on his earning stocks."

"I need investment advice like I need a hole in the head. No, what I really need, Jes, is a moderator who shows up for work." responded Craven.

"Well, I've had some bad days at work lately" countered jespah. "I've had to rerun reports for the last 3 weeks and answer question after question about those reports, and I've only got so many hours in the day, as we all know. Good Lord, does everyone think I'm invincible?"

Just then, fishin strolled up. "I could chip/shred those reports for you, Jes, since I've bought myself a new Troy-Bilt 5.5 hp chipper/shredder."

"I think you need to get into rolfing" offered Chai. "You wouldn't believe the contortions I can do now. Wally Tea is absolutely delighted."

"Maybe you should get an assault rifle and off a few employees", ventured gungasnake. "I could lend you my newest one. It's basically a Henry lever-action rifle in 22 wmr caliber, which is basically a $330 item on Gunbroker or at BassPro or Gander Mountain. Couple that with some of the hotter WMR ammo and you have a 40-gr bullet moving just over 2000 fps which can be totally cleaned by pulling one of your string type cleaners through the bore."

"I think you should take a break, get away from it all and help me find a new apartment in Manhattan" suggested Kicky.

"No, come visit us in ABQ", wheedled Diane. "You won't have a good time, but what the heck? We can talk about Blatham and Lola to our heart's content. And you might even get to see shewolfnm."

"I don't know about meeting shewolfnm... according to Chai, she is one sadistic bitch." replied Jespah.

"Hey, I'm only a sadistic bitch sometimes." complained shewolfnm.

Craven clapped his hands together imperiously and frowned down at the A2K crowd. "People! Listen to me! I want...

everyone to form two lines. Shorter people in front. That means you, Phoenix. Straight lines! Oh, man, you people don't know the meaning of the word straight!"

"Oh, you mean an unfabulous line." said The Prince. "Why didn't you just say so in the first place?"

Everyone got into a semblance of straight lines and directed their attention to Craven. "And a one, and a two, ..."

Everybody started singing whatever they felt like singing. If you listened closely, you could hear Jimi Hendrix, German lullabies, Madonna, Cirkus, Willie Nelson, the music from the GEICO commercial with the caveman in the airport, the Theme from Sesame Street, the Canadian National Anthem, something generic from Kylie Minogue and even William Shatner singing "Hey Mr. Tambourine Man".

"Dangit people, can't you ever all do the same thing at once?" asked Craven, a little peevish.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you." said, er, me. "They all march to the beat of their own drummer."

"Oh well in that case", Craven said, "just sing the blues."

Woke up this morning
got my tea and my toast
turned on A2K
and then I had somethin' to post

They call it the blues
yeah I got the blues
I got the blu-oo-oo-ues
the A2K poster child blues

There's too many word games
kickycan's such a card
tell me is it normal
my water's not the only thing that's hard

They call it the blues
yeah I got the blues
I got the blu-oo-oo-ues
the A2K poster child blues

I've got a topic 'bout my cat
a political one, too
now whatchoo think about that
should I loosen or tighten the screw?

They call it the blues
yeah I got the blues
I got the blu-oo-oo-ues
the A2K poster child blues

They say I'm wasting my time here
But I've really learned a lot
like what a hot Carl is
and which Canadians are hot

They call it the blues...

"Okay, now that our little sing-song is over, let's talk about the next A2K meet. I'm suggesting Costa Rica next February. Who's in?" asked Craven.

"I'd rather like to visit ABQ" ventured realjohnboy. "I hear you can have a perfectly rotten time down there."

"Yes, but you know, you can't just go wandering in and out of people's (read: dys & diane's) houses willy-nilly", replied ehBeth. "You should have an invitation."

"Well, Osso does!" replied TTH.

"Now, now, TTH! Osso's special and we all know that. Now, let's decide! Is it ABQ or Costa Rica?" demanded Craven. "I've been playing cards, rather well, I might add, and have bought a house big enough for everyone. I have to say, I've become quite the self-made man."

"I don't think that should be hypenated", stated contrex.

"Oh, yes, it most definitely should!" disagreed Mame and Gargamel.

"The use of the hyphen originated in Egypt back in 012, or 87765 of the Egyptian calendar" began Setanta. "King Tutmoses wasn't happy with ---"

"Dinner's on me at the local yacht club, if there is one!" interrupted georgeob1.

"No one can take my picture", said Francis, "except Mame, who does a particularly fine job capturing the essence of my ears. As you all know, I'm a top secret spy for the Surete, even though it's defunct, and I simply MUST keep my identity a secret."

"Can I wear my Che Guevara hat?" asked sglass. "And Merry Andrew can wear the hat I bought him in San Francisco!" she added excitedly.

"Well, I'm on a road trip right now, but I believe I'll be back in time for the meet, wherever it is." offered Phoenix.

Osso nods at Phoenix. "I'd like to say, er, that is, oh dear, I'll edit this later. I'll do a bit more thinking on this first."

"There are a few rules I'd like to point out" began Craven. "One, no feeding the hamsters! Two, no guns! And that goes double for gungasnake and OmsigDavid!! Three, everyone pays their OWN way!" and he looked pointedly at georgob1.

"He's not the only generous soul here," began Mame. "I wasn't allowed to pay for a thing in San Francisco and, on top of that, I was driven everywhere, including up the wall, around the bend and out of my mind, by MA and Sglass. They wouldn't even take any gas money. I like that rule!"

"Okay, I'm passing out. I mean, passing out sign up sheets... please sign your real name beside your A2K name... ah heck, let's get CI to organize this! Is CI here? Cicerone! Where are you?" bellowed Craven.

"Ah, here I am." answered CI meekly. "Certainly, I will do whatever is necessary to ensure that this is the most wonderful meet. I will be in touch with everyone in due course, but please read my sig line for updates."

"Ha! You should have a changing sig line, like mine." smirked Craven.

"I'd like to sign up but I'll need to check my investment portfolio." stated dys. "Who knows what the market will be like in February!"

From the back of the crowd, shewolfnm yelled, "

If you people would all just sign up for updates, we wouldn't be having this problem! Oh, and check out my graveyard topic."

"What would you like on your tombstone?" asked Mame.

"A little Nutella and a light sprinkling of jimmies." said littlek.

"And some whipped cream!" enthused dagmaraka.

"I could do something with whipped cream, but it would be clichéed." sighed BPB.

"The glycemic index is too high!" complained Noddy.

"Here, I'll lure it down." said Gargamel. "Here, little index, here little index."

"I do believe we have stumbled upon the great A2K diet." said Diane. "You just encourage your body to lose weight."

"None of those pesky exercises?" asked Reyn.

"No!" everyone shouted, like in an infomercial.

"No counting calories?" asked Phoenix.

"No!" everyone shouted, again like in an infomercial.

"No tying up women and leaving them in the trunk of my car?" asked Slappy.

"No, in the swamp!" said gus.

"No, in the cheapest apartment I can find in New York City!" said kicky.

"No, in the ancient city of Atlantis." said Setanta. "Years ago, before there were spoons, Atlantis thrived on the banks of the Charles River. Then there was a monsoon, and a bunch of small earthquakes and pretty soon Atlantis had turned into Boston. And that's how we get baked beans."

"Uh, okay." said sozobe, moving away from him slowly. "But what about the gathering?"

"Costa Rica it is!" said jes. "I've always wanted to see...

where Craven lives... I mean, is he real or is he memorex?"

Just then 2Packs spoke up, "Kicky... why do you want to live in NY? I have a great pad in MO (that's Missouri for those of you who might be unfamiliar with the US of A) and it's CHEAP."

"Yeah, but do you have any good concerts in MO?" asked Kicky doubtfully.

"Concerts, schmoncerts!" hacked 2Packs. "We like to sit out on our sidewalks in broken down lawn chairs and smoke, preferably 2 packs a day. Who needs concerts?!"

"Ah, you sit there watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by", trilled eva and eoe, one of whom (who shall remain nameless) was off-key.

"What do you pay for an apartment?" asked Yoong Liat. "Or is that sentence correct?"

A collective groan went up from the crowd, then a sudden gasp as there arose from the meteor hole a

giant scaly monster. It was Nessie. "Oh, kicky, I have loved you for many years, yet I was too shy to say so. I hid in Scotland," she brogued, "until global warming forced me to come out of the swampy Loch and try to find you."

"You mean there are swamps in Scotland?" asked gus.

"Yes." said Nessie.

"With capybaras?"

"Maybe just some Border Collies." said Nessie.

"Hey, I've got a Border Collie." said Peace and Love. "I could take him there and do agility training!"

"Och, agility training makes my kilt flap up." complained McTag.

"Can't you catch a cold that way?" asks TTH.

"And you're not wearing any underwear." said Mame. "Just like Britney Spears and her hoo-ha."

"Hoo-ha indeed." said Nessie. "Now, kicky, will you fall madly in love with me forever or will I have to crush you with my tail?"

"Now, now." said Ogionik. "Can't you just live with two single mothers and their single kids in peace and harmony?"

"That's Peace and Love." corrected ehBeth.

"Quick, kicky, ask her if she has any drapes." whispered dagmaraka.

"D-do you have any drapes?" asked kicky, on one knee, bracing for a death blow from Nessie's might tail.

"Drapes, shmapes. But I do have this fetching set of wings." said Nessie proudly, and began to flap them.

The wind caused a lot of skirts and kilts to fly up. Occasionally, a thong or a tramp stamp made its appearance.

"Dangit, now this is a PG-13 story." complained farmerman. "Can't take the grandkids to see anything any more."

"What is this PG-13? And what's sex?" asked AbleIIKnow_wong.

"Sex was invented in 1847 by Herbert Hoover's grandparents, Marge and Homer Hoover." began Setanta.

"That can't be right. I've been having sex at least since 1846." said gus.

"At least since or at since least. Which is correct?" asked Yoong Liat.

"Kicky, you need to give me an answer!" threatened Nessie. "What's it gonna be? Me or the drapes?

"Speaking of drapes" began Slappy, "I notice that some carpets don't match the drapes here!" and he chortled for several minutes by himself.

"Kicky! Give me an answer!" demanded Nessie, swerving her tail dangerously to and fro.

"I need the drapes!" he pleaded. "My neighbours across the hall can see right in to my apartment! Please don't hurt me! My life SUCKS right now!" and he sobbed incoherently into eoe's hanky.

Craven stepped forward and with a lightning bolt and a poof, Nessie sank back into the hole, her wail failing and tailing off. "I'll mail you, Kicky", she hailed, "from my new jail... please don't bail on me. It'd be the last nail in my coffin." And she ranted and railed some more.

Craven shook his head disgustedly and threw the meteor on top of the hole to shut her up. "What's ailing her?" he asked with a frown. "Love! Some people or dragons just can't control themselves!"

Kicky gave a sigh of relief and got to his feet. "Whew! Thanks, Craven, I owe you!"

Before Craven could respond, Nickfun interjected, "Anyone want to know why Bush masturbates?"

"Bush! Carpets and Drapes! That's FUNNY!" cackled Slappy.

Jespah leaned over and cracked him a good one on the left ear with her walking stick. As it connected, the stick began to change form.

It turned into an advertisement for WikiYourFriends.com.

"You won't see me going there," said kickycan. "That is the place where Craven banished Nessie."

"I certainly got lost when I was over there," said wandeljw.

Then, jespah's stick began to change form again.

"Dang, now it looks like a walkie-talkie."Er, I said. Crackly static came out of one speaker.

"PMs. Need ... PMs. Only have four posts. Want to spam everyone." said the static. Then the line went dead.

jes (uh, me) tossed the walkie-talkie down the meteor hole. "Uh, I don't think so."

"Look, can anyone get me a good bagel?" asked ossobuco. "I keep seeing bagels in all of the topic titles, and I'm getting awfully hungry for a snack. Preferably from a good kosher deli."

"That serves meerkats." added littlek.

"But not toasted. I mean, it serves meerkats as customers, not as food." said kermit.

"Follow me!" roared Roberta. "I know just the place!"

An hour later, the rocket touched down at ...

dys and diane's in ABQ, where they and Osso were having a bbq.

"Hey everybody, dys is cooking Johnsonville Brats!" shouted Victor Murphy.

"I never liked any of you!" growled dys.

The A2Kers all climbed out of the rocket ship except for Yoong who was off in another world poring over several dictionaries and muttering to her/himself.

"I've got some potato salad, if anyone would like some", offered Lady Diane.

"Oh, thanks, but we just ate" replied jespah, "but you could offer me something tall and cool. I'm parched!"

"Cud u get me a Vanilla coke?" asked omSigDavid.

"Maybe you can help me, too" suggested Frances. "I'd like a face to go with this ear."

"I never liked you. Ever." announced dys.

"I'd still like a bagel" whined Osso.

Just then, CalamityJane strode up, with Chai not far behind her. As CJ began to open her mouth to speak,

Slappy tossed a bagel at her. It was too big for her mouth, and ricocheted off, hitting Ticomaya in a very sensitive area.

"Damn!" he yelled, once he could speak again. "These bagels are stale! When's the last time you bought bagels?"

"Or sushi?" asked mushypancakes. "I mean, I like flapjacks and all, but you need some protein.

"Or a nice merlot?" asked BPB.

"You still haven't served the meerkats!" complained kermit.

"Durn capybara-thievin' meerkats." muttered gus. "Just a buncha fur, cute tails and a good press agent." He walked away, still talking to himself.

BBB started making everybody malteds when Diane was heard to say ...

"Do you remember the wine from Eva's Wine Cellar and the food from Lola's Cafe?"

"I went to those places all the time," said Dyslexia. "Now they are both closed."

"Even Occom Bill's restaurant closed down," said JPB.

"So now we only get stale bagels and sushi!" complained Ticomaya.

TTH said, "I complained to Forum Help about the food situation, but jespah ignored me."

"I have an idea," said Gus.......

"Capybara sushi!"

"Uh, gus, it's supposed to be clean and appetizing." said squinney, who was fighting off the flu.

"Quit coughing on my sushi!" complained Slappy.

"My sushi tastes like feet." said dyslexia.

"Hey, I want a piece of that!" said Gargamel, grabbing dys's sushi.

"I never liked that pitcher of raw fish." said dys, who then started tossing bagels at a nearby pole.

The crowd, which enjoyed competition, roared when Intrepid joined the toss. "Hey, wait a second." he said. "That's not a pole, that's a ...

... topic that was abandoned almost four years ago!"