Adventure 2 Know - Story-a-long the A2K way

"Is this a joke?" asked TTH, "because I don't get it."

"Are you serious?!" demanded Chai. "For God's sake, don't you know anything?"

"I never liked TTH", stated dys.

"You don't like Lola or Bernie, either, do you sweetheart?" queried Diane with a trill of laughter.

"Hey, who's using our names in vain?" protested Bernie. "We had a miserable time at your house and we're so glad we're on our way home. We're looking forward to the next awful visit at your place. When is it, by the way?"

"I never liked either of you, either, and I've got another damn blasted horrible A2K-er coming - that bloody shewolfn is showing up here any minute." moaned dys.

Phoenix corralled the bean-eating contestants to a lop-sided picnic table which someone had thoughtfully modified with chamberpots under both benches. "Over here, guys! Come on, come on now, shake a leg!"

"Well, now that I've got my raise, I can take a little time off to watch this spectacle, or should I say, debacle?" grinned Kicky.

Several hours later.

"Well that was interesting," said TTH. "Will there be more contests like that?"

"Can someone give me a recap?" asked Husker. (Husker had been gone for months and had missed many significant events in the world of A2K.)

Everyone spins around in awe as they watch Husker strut his stuff into the room!!!

"Did you want a recap on the farting contest?" asked Mame eagerly.

"Do you really think I came back to A2K because I longed to hear more farting stories?" Husker retorted.

"Well, you are going to hear about it whether you want to or not!" said Mame.

The TV was turned on, and everyone huddled around it.

An unseen announcer intoned: "Spanning the Globe to bring you the best in competitive flatulence. The thrill of victory and the agony of the smell."

"Hello everyone and welcome to The Wide World of Farts. I'm your host, DrewDad, and here with color commentary is Ticomaya." said DrewDad.

"Yes, DrewDad, a light prevailing southwesterly wind and an enthusiastic crowd made for an exciting day of sport." added Ticomaya.

"First, let's recap how the game is played." said DrewDad. "In International play, the two parties commence at the same time. However, since we were playing by Mexican rules, the parties took turns."

"That's in the All Farts Rule Book, AKA Farts According to Hoyle, section 37, part C."said Tico, thumbing through the book.

"Correct you are. Our sources told us that gus, also known as The Swamp Gas Thing, had been eating a heavily garlicked eggplant parmesan for much of the afternoon in preparation for the day's events."

"There may have been some old socks in the sauce. I don't have confirmation on that." Tico added.

"Is that legal?"

"According to section 43, part G, it is if the socks are mismatched. If it comes up again, we'll have to get a ruling. Now, aside from the parties taking turns, the contest often takes on a 'can you top this' aspect, as the players take turns emitting a particular aroma or noise, sometimes both at the same time, and daring the other player to repeat the nuances of the performance."

"Can there be nuance in a farting contest?"

"Funny you should ask. This is why trained beagles are brought in, in order to break any ties. It's very important, though, not to feed the beagles any cheese before the event, otherwise ties won't be the only thing they'll be breaking, if yanno what I mean."

"Yes, of course. In addition to the trained beagles, today's sponsor thoughtfully provided gas masks for the entire crew and all the spectators."

"Yes, and we thank Fred Fleeble of the Fleeble Gas Mask Company of Beulah, Ohio. Fred, a tip of the gas mask to you." said Tico.

"And now for the play by play." said DrewDad.

"First, the players strolled into the room, both trying to look nonchalant. The spectators donned their gas masks, except for Slappy, who was attempting to barter his for sex. There was a coin toss and that determined that, for the first round, gus would go first."

"What did he start with?"

"Some might disdain his unorthodox style, but gus tends to lead with the complicated stuff first, which is very different from normal strategy. But it paid off for him today."

"Yes, it did." agreed DrewDad.

"gus began with a machine gun series of sixteen short blasts in the key of F."

"And the aroma?"

"Salt and lemon pledge. That's called a Malibu Mishap." stated Tico authoritatively.

"Was Blaise able to keep up the pace?"

"Indeed he was, and soon the air was filled with the smell of furniture polish and NACL. Then it was Blaise's turn. He started off slower, with a sustained D flat which crescendoed into a high C squeak. The aroma was Jones Beach at low tide."

"Ooh, that's a tricky one. How was gus able to cope?"

"Well, the old man thought for a while but then he seemed to decide to just let it all go and pretty soon it was as if we were all breathing in suntan lotion, vodka tonics, Marlboros and week-old sushi." Tico declared.

"Well, good thing we had the gas masks. Once again, our thanks go out to Fred Fleeble. Fleeble's Gas Masks -- for all your farting needs. When you have to break wind, break out our masks. Back to you, Tico."

"Thanks, Drew. Now, it being the rubber game of the match, you'd think gus would pull out all the stops, so to speak."

"Only three rounds?"

"It was getting late and we were out of RC cola."

"Ah, I see. Please go on."

Tico continued. "gus's tiebreaker blast was silent for a full thirty seconds and then he ripped into Jimmy Page's guitar solo from Whole Lotta Lovin'."

"He played that with his butt?"

"Apparently so. The judges -- Intrepid, Lash, littlek, Coolwhip and Wilso -- checked him afterwards and could not find any instruments or tape recorders on him."

"Did they check very closely? People are, naturally, kind of hesitant to actually touch gus."

"Well, I'm not so sure any actual physical contact occurred, but they made it look good. Now, where was I?"

"Tico, you had described the Jimmy Page solo. Was there an aroma?"

"Oh yes, unmistakeably. It was a combination of Dick Cheney's aftershave, wet Malamute, spinach that may or may not have turned so you have to check it, the heating system going on for the first time after the weather turns cold --"

"A gas or electric heating system?"

"Gas."

"Oh, of course. Please continue."

"Yes, where was I? Oh yes, it also contained hints of capybara armpit and a 1979 Pouilly-Fuisse."

"Was Blaise able to cope?"

"He did well at the beginning. The aroma was mainly there, although most of the judges distinctly smelled meerkat saliva and some even said they thought they smelled banana sherbet."

"Was he able to keep up with the audio portion?"

"No, and it's sad, really. He tried. He certainly had his heart in it."

"His heart's in his farts." said DrewDad.

"Yes, very true." said Tico somberly. "But it wasn't the solo from Whole Lotta Lovin'. Instead, it was the opening bars of Stairway to Heaven."

"So close. How is Blaise taking it?"

"Lying down and being attended to by A2K maidens. Roberta was smart to remove the bean dip from the harem room."

"Yes." sighed DrewDad. "Too many painful associations. What happened to gus?"

"After victory was declared, he got up to give a speech, but the microphone was out. But I think there's a transcript over there. Quick, hand me those papers." ...

Ticomaya glanced at the transcript. "Gus was brief. He did not gloat. Instead, he apologized to the people in his hometown that this was televised during their dinnertime."

Back in the rocketship, Husker admitted that the contest was truly awesome. However, he also wanted desperately to change the subject. "Why are we all inside a rocketship, anyway?" Husker asked.

"It's a long story but nothing to take seriously," explained Onyxelle. "This thread started 26 days ago and Mame is still wearing the same blouse. That sort of thing wouldn't happen in real life."

"Girls, let's go shopping for new outfits," said an inspired Roxxxanne.

"Oh, what a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Mame, "plus, I need some new shoes. I've worn out, not only my welcome, but my soles trying to keep up with Speedy Gonzales CI. The thing is, though, that we'll have to go to different shops. Roxxxanne and CJ will need to be at the Big & Tall and Sglass and I will have to go the Short'n'Sassy. There's at leat 8" of height differential."

"That's no problem", announced Calamity Jane. "There's a perfect store around the corner. Let's go!"

"Wait!" cried Onyxelle. "Aren't we on a mission of some kind that keeps getting sidetracked by all these damn contests and shopping sprees? Come on, people! Get it together!!!!"

Just then, The Ear came slinking around the corner of the...

head. "Whew! Do not go in there! Anyone got one of those fake Christmas tree air fresheners?"

littlek grabbed a and handed it to Francis.

"Ah, thank you, ma cherie. Now, what is it about zis mission? If we are distracted, it is due to circumstances beyond our control."

"Distracted? I'll give you distracted!" ranted Phoenix. "First I get these ridiculous email messages from my sister-in-law, then I get a bunch of small penis spam, and then suddenly I find out my mutual fund company is investing in a bunch of drugs that are subject to the AUTO SPAM FILTER!"

"But-but we use the filter to, well, to filter out the spam. And the really naughty stuff. Kids watching, you know." said jes.

"Well, fine, but just don't filter out aspirin!" Phoenix walked off in a huff.

"What was that all about?" asked joefromchicago.

"I dunno. Wait, wait, let the pitcher comfort you." Gargamel ran after Phoenix.

A letter floated from the sky. It said "Your New Mission" on the envelope. "This might be useful." said Mame.

Material girl opened it up and read:"Your new mission is to round up all of the beautiful animals and feed them spam. Then you are to get out of the maze by pressing 13 on your cel phones -- $1.98 for the first minute, $5 each for the next five minutes -- and talk to 'Candy' who is waiting, anxiously, for your call even though she failed her geography test. There's more but it's signed Guess (who this) is."

"With the parentheses?" asked CJane.

"Yes, with the parentheses." confirmed material girl. "Now, who uses parentheses like that, willy nilly?"

"Are you taking my name in vain?" asked Joe(I'm outraged) Nation, in an outrage.

"Well, certainly we are. If you use parenthesis in such a willy-nilly manner, it is going to get noticed and commented upon. That is the way with people. Do you have a problem with that, and if so, why?" pointed out Thomas quite reasonably.

"The use of parentheses is my way of distinguishing myself from the 74781 other members on this forum", stated Joe (I like to stand out) Nation. "Is that a crime?"

"No", replied Soz. "What's a crime is that a dog has $12M and there are so many poor people out there with nothing!"

"That is correct!" asserted nimh. "Everybody should have enough to live on, and everybody should help each other out. No one should be rich and no one should be poor. Everyone needs to share the wealth."

"People, people, we're getting off track again! Well, I guess when you have 71 users on line, that's going to happen, but please, people... let's get organized!"

Just then Britney Spears came driving up in a Mercedes. As she stepped out of the car, everyone could see her hoo-haa.

A collective gasp rose from the crowd. All the men's tongues were hanging out, and the women all flung a hand over their eyes.

"That's a pretty bad Brazilian wax", commented Chai. "Listen, Brit, I know a salon that would fix you up in no time."

Britney sniffed, collected her panties from the floor of the car and stalked off, looking for Paris and a party.

"I never liked Britney", declared Dys. "Truly, I never liked her. She's not a bit like my Lady Diane, the light of my life, my soul mate, my reason for being."

The Lady Diane blushed and took a bow as the A2K crowd broke out in applause.

"Well, what are we going to do about this mission?" asked material girl.

"Well, since I don't have my cell phone with me, I'm going to see if I can find Osso and take some wonderful pictures of her." And with that, the short and sassy Mame took off.

Everyone pressed 13 on their cel phones. Suddenly, from every cel phone, The Cuppycake Song started playing. Gargamel started dancing, and pretty soon money was thrown.

"Oh sure, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!" exclaimed BBB.

"Does a pitcher even have eyes?" asked JL Nobody.

"I only have eyes for your hoo-haa." Slappy leered at ehBeth.

Setanta stepped between them. "In 1814, when The Cuppycake Song was written, Andrew Jackson was said to declare, 'Florence Nightingale, get over to the Oval Office so that I can see your hoo-haa.' And the Oval Office, well, that's how it got its name, if yanno what I mean."

"That's not true!" said nimh. "Jackson wasn't even President yet, he was busy fighting the Battle of New Orleans."

"Heyyy, does this mean Setanta's been making up all of the history? If it does, I'll have to change all my term papers and my dissertation!" moaned dagmaraka.

"No, no, Setanta would never lie about history." said ehBeth. "This must be an imposter."

Everyone turned to look at Setanta. littlek ran behind him and pulled off his mask. There was a collective gasp as it was revealed that it was really ...

Gargamel with a Hot Carl, or is that Curl?

"Ewwww", said everyone collectively as they all took a step back.

"Hey, this is nothing! You should see what else a body can do!"

"Smells like a stinking fern" said Slappy.

"Well, people", began jespah, "Now that we've all been introduced to a disgusting Hot Carl/Curl, let's the show on the road. Time is of the essence, so let's put our best foot forward. We've got places to go and people to see... sorry about all the cliches."

"I need some hair dye", declared Bear.

"Here, I have some", offered Chai, "But it may not be your colour."

"Can I bring my poodle?" asked Farmerman. "Oh, I forgot, I already microwaved him. Well, can I bring his ashes? I can carry him in the hole he left in my heart."

Phoenix arose from the chaise lounge she had been reclining on and clapped her hands imperiously. "Let's go, people! We're going to line up orderly in twos... everyone who thinks Britney has a good Brazilian Wax on the left, and everyone who thinks Senator Craig should resign goes on the right. Those who think this is all meaningless can just sod off right now."

Calamity Jane strolled to the front of the Brazilian Wax line up. "I've had one of those before when I was still in Germany and mine was much better" she declared in her sultry Marlene Dietrich German accent. Immediately, there was bedlam as all the men fought to get in line behind her.

"What's all this about?" queried TTH. "Is this a joke? I don't get it."

The other ladies were huddled together, whispering vehemently, gesturing wildly, eyes rolling. Sglass emerged as leader and struck a pose. "We don't want our line up to be called the Senator Craig line," she announced. "We want it to be the Relationships & Marriage line."

"Okay, okay!" cried Phoenix impatiently. All the women lined up orderly behind Sglass, still chattering like magpies.

As they were about to move off,

wandeljw timidly walked to the Britney Spears line. "Guess what! My daughter saw Britney at her church a few Sundays ago. My daughter lives in Los Angeles and works for Warner Brothers Television!"

"You know, we are getting very tired hearing you boast about your family, Wandel," said Setanta. "Do you ever have anything useful to say?"

"Wandel usually disappears whenever I refute his political viewpoints," said Ticomaya. "Okay! Craig or Britney? What should we be concerned about today?"

"Holy ****," said the casual reader of this story as he rubbed his temples in anguish, "this story has too many f*cking characters!"

Onyxelle politely responded to the concerned reader, "We started the story by focusing on a single character called 'Kickycan'. This quickly became boring so we introduced other characters."

"Are you calling me boring?" demanded an incredulous Kicky. "Me, with the peeping Tom neighbours, the up and down job situation, the crappy apartment, and my date problems?? Why, my life is FULL of intrigue, just chock full of it, I tell you!"

"Yeah, but you don't have a farting stinky plant in your bedroom, do you?" sneered Slappy. "Or a ho."

Diane intervened quickly, "Now, now, boys... never mind fighting. Why not come on over and have a terrible time with us? We'll serve you some really bad food and make sure you never want to visit us again."

"I'm in" chimed Thomas. "I love having a horrible time. That's why I live in Germany, don't you know."

"Germany is a wonderful country", defended Calamity Jane in a no-nonsense tone, "and I won't have you maligning it, even if you are German."

"I loved Princess Di", moaned happycat, interrupting this conversation out of nowhere. "I was absolutely desolate and devastated at her untimely murder. Those poor little rich boys." and she sniffed as she looked through her rose-coloured glasses. "The Duke and Duchess of Windsor had a fairy-tale love affair, too, and it all makes me so sad how nobody understands that they deserved to be happy. Who cares if they did nothing for anyone, contributed nothing to society? They were IN LOVE!"

Since no one was paying any attention, she wandered off into the mists, sniffing into a handkerchief, muttering to herself.

Meanwhile, CJ and Thomas' discussion had escalated to the point where CJ had grabbed Thomas' ear and was dragging him down the street, lecturing him all the while.

Phoenix stepped out from the crowd of onlookers and announced, "I'm going on a road trip. Don't know where I'm going or how long I'm going to be gone, but please everyone try to behave while I'm gone! I'm really looking forward to this trip, and since I'm so happy about it, if I see any homeless people on the way, you can be sure I'll buy them a meal. Ta ta for now, friends!" And with that, Phoenix strode off.

... into the mists. The moors were silent and then there was an unearthly howling.

"Meerkats?" asked kickycan.

"No, it's the hounds. The hound of the Baskervilles." said Roberta authoritatively.

"Is there more than one hound of the Baskervilles?" asked Ticomaya.

"They took turns." said dadpad.

"Now that almost makes sense." said Wilso.

littlek appeared in a shimmering white gown, holding a lit candelabra. "Stoat! Stoat!" she cried.

Stoat appeared on top of a hill, momentarily visible in the misty moors. In his best Scottish accent, he answered, "littlek, littlek!"

"What's worn under the kilts?" asked Diane.

"Nothing. Everything's as good new!" said McTag.

The howling started up again.

"Stoat! Stoat!"

"littlek! littlek!"

Music swelled in the background. It would have been romantic, but it was played by Panzade on the kazoo and Intrepid on artificial fart under the arm.

BPB began to sing. "Love, exciting and new
Come aboard, we're expecting you
Love, life's sweetest reward
Let it flow, it floats back to you

The Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure
Your mind on a new romance

And love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore
It's love
Welcome aboard
It's love!"

Letty just about gagged. That's not a love song! Here," she gave BPB a new lyrics sheet. "Try this one."

He was all set to sing again when mushypancakes grabbed the music sheets and looked at them closely. "Hey, that's not a song, that's the plans to ...

...build a front-loading washing machine to get our whites WHITE after getting exploding poodle all over them!"

Dadpad looks over Bears should and states, "you've got it upside down."

Bear turns the lyrics over.

"'Mutton Jeff?'"

"Oops!" says Ossobuco. "That's my new recipe."

Sozlet and G_day rush up and want to present a design for a fashionable new spaceship.

"It's a Calvin Klein Bottle!"

"Preposterous!" bloviates Joefromchicago. "Why, such a thing is illegal by the laws of physics!"

DebraLaw disagrees firmly. "I think you'll find, if you look up the relevant statutes, that fashion and physics are quite compatible. The Supreme Court ruled in Heisenberg v. Hilfiger that..."

a form fitting shirt = MCsquared. Didn't we all learn that in Fashion 101 and Law 200?"

"Well, I took Landscape Architecture and we couldn't afford Hilfiger shirts," said osso softly, slowly, solemnly and sadly as she sipped some spiced Sangria.

"Oh hey, can I have a glass of that Sangria? I believe it's mine, anyway." asked Diane.

"Me, too!" cried jespah, not to be left out.

"You won't like it" asserted Diane. "It's terrible stuff. That awful Bernie and Lola brought it over and we had to sip it politely for hours on end until we were all tipsy."

"Sounds like a rotten way to spend the night." agreed ehBeth.

Onyxelle appeared at that moment with Craven in tow. "Lookit what I found lurking outside! Yeah, he was going to...

toss a poodle into the wood chipper."

"Why?"

"The microwave's on the fritz. Say, what's the origin of the term 'on the fritz'?" asked Craven.

"Before we had alternating current, Walter 'Fritz' Mondale strode the earth, and everything that was crushed 'neath his mighty feet was then inoperable. Hence, anything 'under the fritz' or 'under fritz' did not work." said Setanta.

"But it's 'on' the fritz, not under it!" complained Chai.

"Yes, well, the expression originated in Oz. Ask msOlga next time." finished Setanta.

"Is that the real Setanta?" asked onyxelle. "Or is that Gargamel again?"

"Only one way to find out!" said ehBeth, grabbing the putative Setanta and disappearing into the A2K closet. There were loud noises of varying provenance, including someone trying to define the word 'provenance'. Several minutes later, they emerged. They were both dissheveled and Setanta was wearing one of ehBeth's socks on his head. "Yeah, that's the real Setanta." she cooed.

"Okay, now that we've gotten that straightened out," said DrewDad, "who's going to sew the fabulous rocket cover that sozobe and G_day have so thoughtfully designed?"

"It looks like a giant condom." said Slappy, looking at the plans. "But with flowers."

"Yes, and when you're excited, it becomes the entire rainforest!" exclaimed ehBeth.

"So you can, um, click on it?" gulped dadpad.

"Not if I have anything to do with it! There will be no unauthorized condom clicking!" said mumpad.

"Awww, just this one, sugar booger?" dadpad ran after her.

"Uh, as I was saying, rockets, condoms, flowers, rainforest, clicking, it all goes together." said McGentrix.

"Like sawdust and ice cream!" said farmerman. "Just like my recipe for ...

bm... will have to get to this Fri or Sat... just letting you know, jes, that I haven't forgotten about it... been visiting the kids.