Adventure 2 Know - Story-a-long the A2K way

Osso hands Mame a carton of half & half, she just bought across the street at the Quick Mart. Osso smiles wide and says "See Mame, I told you it was half & half"!

Mame looks shockingly at the carton and

notices the expiration date is 1947.

Damn.

Just then, djjd and Tai Chi arrived, pushing a large catapult ahead of them. "This oughta help." They put it together with instructions from Ikea as martybarker read out the instructions.

"Okay." she said. "Tab A into slot B. Waggle slightly with much American force. Take entrenching tool. Uh, where's the entrenching tool?"

Coolwhip was trying to pick his teeth with it. "Oh, sorry." He handed it back. "It only has a little spit on it."

"Spit! Why, that reminds me of the history of spit!" exclaimed Setanta. "Spit was invented back in the time of the Mongolian Empire, when ..."

"Dear, we've always had saliva." interrupted ehBeth.

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Completely. We evolved it as a defense mechanism, back when we were all still small creatures with scales instead of fur."

"Preposterous! Everyone knows evolution is bunk!" yelled gunga.

"Bunk beds! I get to be on top!" yelled OGIONIK.

"Long as you don't fart in your sleep." muttered realjohnboy, who had just settled down to a nice coffee (from a handy thermos) and danish.

Calamity Jane confiscated the danish. "That's quite enough calories for one day."

"But -- but I'm underweight!" complained realjohnboy.

"Oh yes, of course." agreed CJane. "My error. Here, have some pancakes."

"Only if you wash out the sink first." said dag, briefly conscious. "Damn tighty whiteys." she muttered, then something in Slovakian which didn't have any vowels.

"This woman needs vowels." said Dutchy gravely. "It's the only thing that can save her. We'll have to take up a collection."

"Vowels! Getcher vowels here! Red hot Es! Spicy Us! Tasty As! Ice-cold Is! Say, you, mister, you wanna try an O?" jpinmilwaukee offered snood.

"I, uh, I dunno. Does it come with a Y?"

"Only sometimes. That'll be four dollars."

snood handed over a five. "Here, keep the change." He looked around, hoping to spot the consonant vendor when ...

woiyo came up and said, "You've got my "o" and "y"... I'm still looking for a "w"... and he wandered off (or ..andered off) in the direction of the catapult)...

Mame, still looking at the expired carton, noticed some letters beneath where it said "Half and Half"... C-R-E-A-M! "Ha!" she exclaimed, "I knew it was cream!" but she tossed it into the nearest garbage bin so as not to tick Osso off.

Osso, at that point, was gazing at Sakhi in her Indian dress and wondering if she liked to eat Malai Kofta because she had a great recipe and after all don't most Indians like their own food? Of course, it depended on what part of India they were from, but geez that was a lovely sari and she was sure she'd like the Kofta dish. Problem was, she didn't have any ghee and everybody knew you couldn't really make authentic Indian without it... and come to think of it, she had no naan or raita or any other curries. Oh well, if she was hungry, she'd eat it. Having disposed of that topic, Osso then began ruminating on her times in Italy, only to be disrupted rather rudely by

a loud fart, much like a thunderclap.

"Dang, will you people quit pushing the fart button?" complained Bella Dea. "The capybara's -- I mean -- my sweet baby's -- trying to sleep!"

"Oh, sorry." said a sheepish Dadpad.

"You're coming with me." said Mumpad, grabbing him by the earlobe.

"Good thing she doesn't get us confused." grinned Drewdad. "Now, where's that A2K Day Care Center again?"

sozobe stepped out. "sozlet's over there." she gestured vaguely. "With SonOfEva, Bi-Polar Junior, Keetah and Ya-Ya, the onyxlettes, little Jane and I dunno how many others."

"That may not be legal." frowned joefromchicago. "But it's darn cute!"

Just then, sozobe noticed Slappy, gus, Bi-Polar Bear and kickycan blowing up balloons for the kiddes. Harmless, she thought, until a box was tossed in her direction. "Ribbed for her pleasure. Damn." A hurricane whipped up as the parents ran to intercept the condom balloons, and Chai said, ...

"I can't blow anything right now, can't you see I'm brushing my teeth?"

Just at that moment, cicerone imposter walked by muttering to himself and checking something off a list. "Let's see, that's georgeob1, cyclo, Francis, Mame... CJ hasn't confirmed yet but I think she can be persuaded or coerced... hmmm..." and he wandered off into the distance.

I began walking in the direction of Bella and her capy-, oops, baby when I noticed Dutchy and Yoong Lait standing together. "Do you know a five letter word, R_A_ _ _ meaning rational, Yoong?" "No, but I have one for you.... should I say Bella Dea's baby resembles a capybara or looks like a capybara? Which is the correct word?" "I don't know", replied Dutchy, "but I wouldn't say either too loudly in front of Bella!" And with that he hailed Tryagain who was just coming out of a sweat shop with jespah, Montana, JPB, Eva and mac11. Or should that say, "sweet" shop?

"Dutchy!" cried Montana, "You'll never guess what we saw in there! It was

... a roadside shoe tree!

"Good thing, I need a pair of wellies." said Dadpad, but after a while he was forced to return, without boots but instead with a pair of stiletto pumps.

"I had no idea, Dadpad." said Lash. "But you're a Summer and those shoes would go better with a Winter, which is what I am. May I?"

"I don't know." said Dadpad. "These are for Mumpad."

"She won't even know I was wearing them." Lash tried them on. "Damn! I'm about six inches taller!"

"And -- whoa -- Dadpad, what are you up to?" It was Mumpad.

"Busted!" yelled Slappy. " 'Course what would really enhance those ****-me pumps would be a coupla Roofies." He went off in search of someone other than Gertrude. Lash held onto Wilso for dear life.

"Hey what do they say on the back?" asked littlek.

"I can't believe anyone is actually looking there and not, er, elsewhere." said Bi-Polar Bear. "Nice pair of gams."

"Thank you. And what do they say?"

"Ministry of Frivolity. Hey! Craven runs that!"

At the sound of his name, there was a flash of lightning and a puff of smoke. "I am the Great Craven. State your business."

"Well, if it please, sir," said littlek, "we're just trying, well, I'm trying to get home. And Lash here wants some pastrami, not too lean. kicky wants someone to go to the Police with him and Slappy wants an endless supply of Roofies."

"Somebody wanted a brain. I know someone did! The Great Craven has spoken!" Craven vanished.

"Well, who wants a brain around here? You either have one or, well, you just don't stick around." said Roberta.

"What are you doing here, Roberta? Aren't there beautiful animals to watch?" asked mushypancakes.

"Well, sure." said Roberta. "But whenever someone mentions pastrami, I feel compelled to join in. It's like I'm hypnotised."

"Hmm." said Slappy, stroking his chin and thinking out loud. "Pastrami's a lot easier to get than Roofies. And chicks seem to dig it. I think I'll open a deli."

"Wait!" screamed Eva. "I've got a better idea!"

"Let's open a store where we can sell pastrami, roofies, concert tickets and shoes! Whoo hoo! I'm brilliant! I must be the one with the brain!" Eva exclaimed.

"Well, it's nearly Labour Day so I don't think you should carry white shoes", Montana interjected.

"Would you please put on a toga or something, sweet dear? You're distracting me and pissing off my wife." Dadpad pleaded.

"NO! She's perfection in its purest form as she is. She looks like a Venus! A Canajun Venus!", cried gus.

"Venus, yes, Venus. Let me tell you a little story about Venus... Venus was once known by ancient astronomers as both the morning star and the ---", began Setanta.

"Stop!", cried gus. "If I have to have one more history lesson I'll sick my capybaras on you!"

"Boys, boys, come on now", interjected Chai, "Boys, boys, boys... boys and their penises... men and penises..." and she drifted off looking thoughtfully into space.

"I don't see what's so interesting about penises", interjected Sir Francis. "After all, it's not a bit like cleavage."

"You can say that again!" laughed Slappy Doo Doo.

"I love cleavage!" exclaimed Bear. "In fact, I love--"

"Never mind what you love", Diana said firmly. "Look, I think we've lost sight of our original purpose. We were supposed to be getting out of that portal. Shewolfn, do you have the map?"

"No, but I do have this crystal ball", she replied, as she rooted around in her Mary Poppins bag.

"Here it is! Hang on, I have to clean it. No, no, don't lick it! Silly farmer."

sozobe cleaned it with a cloth and some knitting and one of her sleep masks. "There, good as new."

dlowan peered inside. "I see, I see, I see a yo-yo."

Huh?

"No, what you see are two y's and two o's", replied woiyo... "and I'm still looking for a damn 'w'."

"I've got a 'w' for you, woiyo... I've been saving it for a special occasion, but I think this is as good as any. As long as it gets the show on the road, and I do mean 'show'", interjected squinney.

"squinney! squinney!" , squealed all the women, "We've missed you! Please lead us out of here, we shouldn't be in this dangerous portal. Oh Thank God you're back!"

"Why, thank you, Ladies", squinney replied, quite touched. "C'mon, gels, follow me... the gents may do as they like", and off she went, striding after long-gone mac11.

The women picked up their old kit bags, smiled, smiled, smiled, and cheerfully trotted after squinney while the men stood around in confused disarray.

"What do we do now?? We got no cleavage to look at", whined Bear.

"Nor buttocks to pinch", wailed Slappy Doo Doo.

Just then, there was a flash of lightning and a puff of smoke, and Craven appeared, this time carrying some heavy-looking stone tablets (the kind you read, not ingest).

"I bring you these twelve, oops" he dropped one and the ground shook "tablets. They will guide you in your Internet endeavors."

The men stood more or less at attention although someone let out an SBD. They all looked around except for nimh, who stared straight ahead.

"Rule one. You must have crushes on all the ladies. Rule two...."

"What was Rule one again?" asked Reyn.

"Dig the chicks." said Bi-Polar Bear.

"Ah, thanks. Carry on then."

"Rule two." said Craven. "You must post with innuendo or jokes 63% of the time."

"What do we do for the rest of the time?" asked Wilso.

"Answer pet questions and post about the weather." offered snood.

"Rule three. No scratch 'n sniff avatars."

Gus was writing everything down furiously, in ink, all over his hands. "Damn." he grumbled.

"Thank you, Lord." said Intrepid, who was downwind of him.

"And Rule four. Return as often as you can because we'd all miss you if you weren't here. We worry."

"We woiyo?" asked woiyo. They all threw the vowel vendor's remaining stock at him, and soon woiyo was covered in Es and Os.

Meanwhile, the ladies were working on their song and dance number.

"A one and a two, that's right, ladies, heel, toe, shuffle shuffle slide...", said ehBeth, their undisputed dance expert. "Now shake your belly and clack your castanets!" All the women looked absolutely fantastic except for Montana who was having trouble with her toga.

"Ahem!" Craven looked dispiritedly at the motley collection of men. There was Region Philbis looking sadly after his wife, Drewpad stood wobbily in his stilettos, woyio covered in vowels, OmSigDavid polishing one of his many Barettas, and Slappy Doo Doo was pushing his chest together trying to make a cleavage. He sighed and realized that the best of his merry band were elsewhere learning to bellydance. "Look guys, I have to get back to Costa Rica, so let's go through these tablets and I'll be off. You know I never stop in for long."

Cyclo stepped forward and asked, "May I be the keeper of the political forum tablet?" "You're not the only one who posts there!", protested Setanta. "Yeah, but my arguments are rational and kept to a couple of very readable paragraphs!" retored Cyclo.

Dutchy piped up, "And if you need someone to take care of the Trivia Game forum, count me in." "What about me?! I'm always on those threads.", countered Tryagain.

At once there was a bable of voices, everyone claiming a particular forum. Suddenly, out of the mist behind Craven, appeared

with a large wheelbarrow full of industrial grade mulch.

"Ewwww." said _Heatwave_ . It smells like a spammer."

"That's how we recognize 'em. We cover them with mulch and poo and at least the spammers can be used for fertilizing flowers." said Green Witch.

"Durn hostas." said gus. "They're invasive."

"It's the spammer fertilizer. Hang on." Green Witch adjusted the pH of the flower bed and it erupted in hydrangeas, peonies, pansies, tulips and roses.

"Atchoo!" came a chorus.

The sneezes finally subsided and there was a rumble like an enormous earthquake. Everyone sprang back as the ground opened up and a huge stalk rose to the heavens.

"That must be due to the magic beans." said boomerang. "I gotta stop making Mo magic chili for lunch."

"Magic beans, beanstalk, hey there should be a goose laying golden eggs up there somewhere." said Tryagain as he started to climb the stalk.

No one told him about the giant.

Giant Riddle, that is.

"OMG!" screamed Tryagain as he raced down the stalk. "There's a goldarn whatchamacallit up there!" and he promptly fainted.

Immediately concerned, knowing on an intuitive level that Try was near death, Chai raced over from her end of the belly-dancing row and clacked her castanets three times over his chest and then did a mini-belly-dance over his belly. Out of the corner of her glass eye, she noticed that all the 'wimminfolk' (as gus would say) were behind her, sashaying and swaying and clacking... one was even tap-dancing (was that CJ??). Try immediately began hacking, coughing, rasping, choking, gagging, you name it - everything except vomiting - exhibiting much welcomed signs of life.

"Ahem", came the stern tones of Craven. "I MUST leave! Since no one is listening to me, I leave my valuable, cherished, treasured tablets in the care of jespah, my administrator, right-hand person, trusty and stalwart friend, and overall the most efficient and hard-working person I've ever had the pleasure of over-working and under-paying."

Awe-struck and blushing furiously, jespah slowly came forward to receive said tablets but inadvertently tripped on Dadpad's g-d stilletos and crashed her head into the top tablet. Dadpad wailed, "

Now you've broken jespah!" She was carried to a nearby table.

"We'll have to operate." said Slappy gravely. "Take off her shirt."

"Hey!" bellowed Region.

"And we have to do mouth to mouth." said someone in the back.

"Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute!" RP was livid.

"Jeez, boys. Nothing a little bandage soaked in softened water won't cure. Now, where's H20 Man when you need him?" asked lezzles.

gus awoke from a two-second power nap. "He -- wha -- I was only keeping him in the capybara pen briefly. Amigo said it was a good idea."

"What are you all looking at me for? He said Bella's baby was cute and I offered to show him the baby and then of course I had a lot of capybara confusion and anyway I blame the drugs I did in High School!" Amigo backpedalled furiously.

"Maybe you just need glasses, Amigo." said mac11 helpfully.

Amigo took out a pair of cat's-eye sunglasses. "Like these? Hmmm. Maybe I just need ....

them to take a look on Miller's cleavage..No, wait! Better I look at Marty's, otherwise I'll get in trouble with...

mi amiga, who has a very jealous streak. In fact, maybe I'll forget cleavage altogether and go join the fight in the WaterSoftener thread... yes, that's exactly what I'll do. Ciao, amigos." He saluted, clicked his heels together, and turned to go.

H2O_Man perked up at this and said, "Yes, I'll accompany you. It's time I got back, I very much fear Sussler may be trying a coup. On the way, let me enlighten you on the various filters, the Fleck 5600, the amount of resin a a normal system requires and all the other good things about water that manly men should know. Trust me, you'll find it fascinating."

"Manly men?", piped up Setanta. "I'm a manly man, and I want to know these things, too. Maybe I will go with you and later I will research the history of the water softener. Yes, yes... that sounds like a plan, and even better if there's an imbroglio happening." The three men walked off, talking happily, somewhat in the direction of the thread in question but would invariably get lost since it was a tricky route and, being men, nay Manly Men, they wouldn't deign to ask for directions.

Meanwhile, jespah was thrashing about and muttering under her breath, "No one gets pm privileges until I say so, do you hear me? No one!" Region Philbis breathed a huge sigh of relief that his little jespah-cita did not have a broken back. He hated housework.

The troupe of belly dancers (and one tap dancer) gave an impromptu belly dance (with castanets) when they saw jespah was back to normal, thus giving gus a thrill.

"Now that jespah is back among the living," intoned Craven stentoriously, "I leave these tablets in the best hands possible and trust her to convey my policies, my rules, and my Christmas wish list to you, my loyal followers. I bid you adieu. I have places to go, people to see, algorithms to create, and brilliant, complicated computer stuff to do. Keep the faith, people!" and with a poof of smoke and a lightning bolt, he was gone (finally!).

BBB
Aha, the Hamster is fibbing. Craven is really off to the world class poker table where he spends most of his time. I think I saw him on the poker TV channel. He had a big stack of poker chips in front of him. I watched him make his move for a pot of $25,000. Did he win or lose?

BBB

Lightwizard clicked the remote. "That's quite enough television for one day."

"But -- but -- but --" protested jpinmilwaukee "my favorite program was about to come on."

"Meerkat Manor?" asked Roberta.

"Something new that no one's heard of yet?" asked happycat.

"No, no, I forget the name." said jpin.

"It must be My Little Pony Goes to Mars." said realjohnboy.

"And conquers Satan." said echi.

"And charms all the women." said The Prince.

"And pets a beagle." said squinney.

"That's the longest show title I've ever heard." said littlek. Her cel phone rang. "Ah, stupid HM #3! He's packing pancakes in boxes and scaring the cat."

"Enough of this maze-like portal!" exclaimed Ticomaya.

"We gotta go save Screech from HM #3!" yelled cyphercat. "To the catmobile!" Then she was distracted by a small piece of string and had to be bodily carried to the catmobile, which fortunately was very large and offered spacious seating for everyone.

"Hey, I don't have a cup holder!" complained ...

complained jespah. "All I have is a big headache from running reports that don't upload properly. I am SICK to DEATH of this freaking job! Craven, where are you when I need you?"

With a poof and lighntning bolt, Craven appeared. "Jespah, I really am a very busy man, solving computer problems up and down the coast, from California to Costa Rica. Could you please pm me your problems and I'll sort them out for you when I get a moment?"

"Okay, thanks Crave", jespah answered gratefully.

Just then the belly dancers arrived, with ehBeth leading the charge. "Hola everyone!" chirped Montana, adjusting her toga. "The guys are all playing poker down at the nude beach. You should see gus' weiner - it's 3.4" long!"

"I couldn't care less, Montana!" jespah said. "You are probably the only person on earth who would bother to size up Gus like that."

"We knew Craven wouldn't be much help," said ehBeth, "so we were only trying to cheer you up, jespah!"