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How do you deal with the thoughts of deaths of loved ones?

 
 
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 12:05 pm
First I have to say that English is not my first language so my writing might look odd.

Since I was a child, I was mortified by the thought of losing my parents.
I hid it and I did it perfectly. But from time to time I was unable to handle them. They made me distracted and sometime disoriented. Now that I'm in my late 20's, these thoughts are rushing to my mind like a hurricane again and I think these ones are different and stronger.

The main reason I had these crippling thoughts in my childhood is (realizing) my age gap with my parent which is almost 40 years and I am also the last child.

I don't know what triggered it maybe I thought about it a lot when I was young and I came to this conclusion that I have to be with my parent no matter what.

Any way these fears and irrational reactions to my fears make me think about my past and things I did or said to my parents. I regret a lot of things I did which paradoxically on one hand I know that they are not that important, however on the other hand I feel I hurt my parents' feelings.

It might look odd but I am living with my parents, and I want to move out for both being independent and having privacy. However I can't let my self out because of fearing that my parents might die and I won't be near them when this happens. It really cripples me.
Another aspect of this is that constantly I am reminding myself that I am getting older and having no financial security other than my part time job is not enough and I need to do something about. But those fears are putting all my will down and I can't help it. It is ironical that I know what is pulling me down but I can't fix myself.
 
jespah
 
  6  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 12:17 pm
@Pandalama,
You need counseling. Life does not have to be like this.
cicerone imposter
 
  3  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 12:21 pm
@Pandalama,
A parents worst fear is that their child or children will die before them. What parents want to see of their children is to have a good career that they enjoy, good health, and happy.
The fear of death is natural, but one should not become obsessed with it.
Pandalama
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 12:28 pm
@cicerone imposter,
you have a good point, I am obsessing about this issue but it is not like a switch that I can turn it off. I could suppress it for a long time but now it is not getting out of my mind. I can understand that eventually we all die. It bothers me a lot that it is going to happen and I can't make peace with it.
Pandalama
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 12:32 pm
@jespah,
I can't do it and I can't say why. But in all of this misery I do have some positive things in my life. And even though this problem is really consuming a lot of energy, I understand the beauty in life(in general) and I can find a reason to live, it's just that I can't go around this problem.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 12:34 pm
@Pandalama,
If you are obsessing about this (or anything) you need to get yourself professional help to deal with it.
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jespah
 
  4  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 01:39 pm
@Pandalama,
Then keep going the way you are.

Seriously. If you had broken your leg, I suspect you would go to a physician. This is no different.

PS If this is a country where going to a therapist is looked down on, consider this: your life stinks and you are being held back for employment and you aren't even going to a therapist. At least if you go, you have a fighting chance of getting the help you need.
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Leadfoot
 
  2  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 01:44 pm
@Pandalama,
Sometimes it seems to me that the entire planet is under some kind of inexplicable stress that magnifies every kind of worry. I am no exception, so I accept that the pressure is real but not anything I can do about so I get on with life and whatever it is I have to do. That seems to help a lot.

All the best to you,
Leadfoot
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edgarblythe
 
  2  
Reply Fri 1 Jul, 2016 03:49 pm
My mother worried so much about losing her father, it kept her from living fully for herself. And in the end, he outlived her by twenty years.
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JehovahLoves
 
  -2  
Reply Thu 28 Jul, 2016 07:27 pm
Even though it brings pain just by thinking about it, even if a death might occur i love the scripture at Revelation 21: 4 which bring me comfort. It states, " And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more neither will mourning nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away."
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Miller
 
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Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 11:33 am
@Pandalama,
"In loving memory"
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Robert Gentel
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 12:25 pm
@Pandalama,
I feel you, recently my cat died and it has had me thinking more about the mortality of my other loved ones, my parents, my brothers and sisters etc. I don't let it get carried away because it's certainly not fun to worry about. Your anxiety sounds out of control, and you are essentially living your parents deaths over and over, suffering some of the pain repeatedly and unnecessarily.

I definitely think you should consider getting some professional help. If you cannot or will not for whatever reason here are some suggestions.

1) Try this. Sit down for up to an hour or so at a time and imagining your parents dying. Imagine the pain, imagine the loss. Do not turn away from the uncomfortable feelings, the fear. Keep focusing on them and face the fear. While you do this, repeat the notion to yourself that all life can be lost at any time. "At any moment, my parents could die." This is true, this is just a fact of life. What you are trying to do is accept this basic truth about life, that yes your big fear can happen at any time like it can for anyone.

What should happen to you is that the fear you have, by immersing yourself in it and facing the feelings and fear head on, should become more boring after a while, and cause you less anxiety.

2) Try to list all the things you like and enjoy in life, that are independent of your parents. Sure, the loss of a parent or parents can be devastating, but what you are doing is "catastrophizing". Yes it will hurt when it eventually happens, but most likely you will be able to go on, and there is plenty you enjoy about life that is independent of your parents, and that you could still enjoy even if you were to lose them. Try to be reasonable about things, you will lose some thing sure, you cannot visit them, their memory may cause you pain, but there are obvious things you will not lose. Many of them. For example if you really like a certain food, you will still be able to eat it. If you like certain activities you will still be able to do them. If you have more than one loved one or friend in your life you'll likely still have most if one passes away....


As for the anxiety caused by financial fears you should try some of the same. At any time anyone no matter how rich, can lose it all. Repeat this to yourself till it becomes more mundane. Then list the things you can do about it if it happens. Note that even if you lose all, you still have future earning potential. Think about no matter how bad things get, you'll probably be able to provide for yourself, if perhaps not comfortably at times. Think about the good will of other humans who would often help you if you were in dire straights. I've been there, I have been a homeless teenager completely alone in cities where I knew not a soul. Despite not wanting help from anyone and not seeking it the kindness of strangers was vital to me more than once. No matter how alone you feel you aren't, and if things get real bad for you there are many kind people who would be happy to help (there are plenty who wouldn't too, but as long as good people exist in the world you do not have to despair about the bad ones).

Beyond trying to get your anxiety about your financial security under control, you should work on getting your financial security under control. Save up some money. Figure out what you absolutely need to live. The food you need, the cheapest shelter you can afford etc, and figure out how much that costs per month. Then try to build up an emergency fund. Unless you have high-interest debt (and sometimes even so) this is your #1 personal finance priority and it will dramatically impact your anxiety about financial things. Even if you just have just 3 months worth this is a HUGE security net and can help you through most common speed bumps in life. Losing a job is a common one, and having 3+ months of an emergency fund makes that much much easier to deal with. Shoot for having a longer emergency fund of at least 6-10 months eventually, with this you can survive almost any financial scenario with a lot less worry and pain than without. Once you have this you need to start investing in your future retirement funds etc, but the emergency fund will take a ton of the edge off day-to-day anxiety about finances.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you are interested in more information. I would like to repeat the suggestion that you seek professional help for your anxiety as it is disrupting your life. Professional help will likely come in the form of some cognitive behavioral therapy similar to the exercises I asked you to try, where you try to recognize the unreasonable thoughts and work to change them. But it may also include medication that can dramatically help you deal with the anxiety, which might be medically necessary for you and that people on the internet cannot help you with either in the diagnosis or the providing of the treatment you need.

If you are interested in learning more about dealing with your anxiety on your own I would recommend the following book as a starting point: The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You by Dr. Robert L. Leahy.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you and if you have any questions or want more information just let us know!


Robert Gentel
 
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Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 12:31 pm
@Robert Gentel,
I should mention that at any time when trying the exercises I outlined, if you feel like your anxiety if overwhelming just stop and seek the professional medical help everyone is recommending. Do it urgently, as you may need to proceed with this process of anxiety management with help from medication that only the professionals can provide you and severe anxiety is a debilitating and harmful thing (it can and will harm your physical health if you let it go, you need to get it under control).
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Thomas33
 
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Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2016 09:50 am
I just remind myself of relativity. Everything they've experienced is what I'll experience.
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vishal1
 
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Reply Fri 23 Dec, 2016 10:58 pm
"In loving memory"of love once
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