Older Woman

std = sexually transmitted disease, not social

___

condoms can be a part of healthy sexual playfulness with the right partner - nothing to dread

perhaps she can teach you about that

Still going out with the older woman. She often brings up my last relationship. She's wondering why it went along for 1.5 years and then collapsed. I have refused to criticize my ex or reveal anything personal because I know that being in the top echelon of a community...well, it is a smallish group and things can come back to bite you! I stick to the "it was her choice to end things because she didn't like my family" and "I respect and admire her." As it turns out, it is a wise choice because with carefully timed questions, I've discovered that there is a one degree separation between the older woman and my ex...amazingly close proximity. The older woman claims not to know my ex, but get this: they have association with the same church; the older woman is a friend of a person who works in the same section at the same company as my ex; the older woman is in yoga classes at the same places where my ex works out. Given that the older woman is curious about me and has discussed me with her friends, trying to figure me out...well, the probabilities of either direct contact or communication pipelines. Older woman is trying to lock me into a relationship which I resist. In the meantime, a former administrative assistant at the place I work has recently divorced and is pursuing a friendship with me. It is nice to be thought of and desired for companionship, but I remain depressed. I'm enjoying having no emotional tie to a woman and being totally free to do as I wish and just being reflective and quiet. Consider this post a thought piece. Just needed to write it out

that would piss me off

it's a kiss of death to any relationship for me

I agree with your sentiment! Well, it did kind of irritate me to be honest. She is old enough to figure things out for herself. The other thing that kind of ticks me off: I have made it clear that I'm up for "friends with privileges" and nothing more. She is starting to talk like she wants more--I say "sex" and she says that she "wants to make love..." I know the difference. Also, don't you think that the proximity between the older woman and my ex is such that it is HIGHLY PROBABLE that some form of communication (direct or indirect) has occurred? My feeling is that I lack privacy in this "older woman" relationship. Her bringing up my past relationship all the time...it just says to me that it is likely some communication has occurred on why my ex ended it and the older woman is thinking that I'm such a nice guy and where does "his problem" exist? There is the subtle assumption that the man (me) was the problem rather than my ex being a nice, but slightly deranged, person... Get it?

nope

Really? But, you suggest ending this thing on other grounds, right? BTW: I don't disagree with you

I'd suggest having an honest discussion with her.

At a pub or someplace similar. Not a restaurant or wine bar. Someplace that serves beer and cider - casual, no implication of dating or romance.

Let her know straight out that you're in this for casual *******, not dating, not a relationship. Also let her know that you're not going to be talking about her with other people and that you expect the same from her.

Pay for the beer/cider, let her know that if she's good with your guidelines she can get in touch with you, and leave.

what do you say when she does this?

I'd suggest telling her it's not up for discussion and stop it right there.

Beth,

You are fantastic! Thanks for the advice. I think you shook me out of my slumber. I did tell her outright about '*******,' but yesterday she intimated that she wants more than that, so that is why I have backed off from having sex with her. I think she might go bat **** crazy if I fucked her and then backed off; plus, it would be totally unethical.

best wishes,

Jim

I agree. You are absolutely right on this.

That seemed like great advice to me too. The only thing is: sometimes people think once they get a foot in your door, they can start redecorating. I'd watch out for that and end it if she crosses your line.

Many of us, male and female, are socialized to not be deliberately rude to others.

That sometimes makes it difficult when someone's taken small steps over the line, and then bigger steps, and then it's oh ****, I'm in something I'm not good with.

Watching for those first small steps over the line is the key.

Talk to her. She may be a good **** buddy if you are 100% straight-up about it - and hold the line to that. If she's not in the place for that, someone else will be. There are women out there who don't want anything other than someone to have sex with regularly. Not all of us are looking for someone to cuddle.

Oh yes...I have experienced that "foot in your door..." thing WAY TOO MANY TIMES. Great point!

Great points. Yeah, I really don't have time or interest in anything other than a physical relationship. Except for sexual needs, my life is complete in the way I want it to be.

I pushed it all back to "let's be friends" with her. What I saw with her was that I have, once again, attracted a very attractive, very bright, nutcase. She'd be good at the friend level, at best. I decided to not pursue the "**** buddy" approach because she will go ape-**** and become extremely possessive. I can see it already. Thanks to the education provided here at Able2Know, I am becoming more and more adept at spotting the crazies!

To me the idea of sleeping with some one while remaining emotionally detached sounds fairly schizophrenic. To each his own version of mad..

There's an upside to spotting them faster

She's a beautiful nutcase, but I ended up just screwing her anyway. I remain totally emotionally detached. I had an extra ticket to a local band and thought I would, as a friendly jesture, ask her to join me. Guess who was the fill-in vocalist? My ex-gf! Oh god, that can freak anyone out. I told the older woman who it was. Instead of being turned off by that, it made her "feel inadequate." So, she jumps into my bed the minute we get to my house later and... I've been very clear that I have no interest in a relationship. She doesn't want to hear that. Oh well. What's done is done. It wasn't the best sex I've had because there was no love in it. I didn't want it; it was just something to do. Anyway, I spotted the nutcase. I spotted it faster. And, I got treated to seeing, in one evening, the ex nutcase and the current nutcase (who will NOT be my gf EVER). It was stupid to add another notch. I regret it only to the degree that it was so totally unnecessary. Maybe i just needed to flush the ex-gf out of my mind? Who knows. It is late and I need to go to bed.

Indeed.