a hopeless long distance...or?

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I'm 30 years old female and am in a long distance relationship with a man on different continent, who is in his mid 40s and have a kid between his ex. We have known each other for 3 years we meet once a year at the annual conferences of the company - this year we talked a lot and found out how well we get along and ended up making out and having a sex. This was February and we kept in touch after we got home. I visited him in May and we had amazing week together in and out of bed.
But we have no plans ahead and I felt like he is not putting any effort. Now he never initiates the calls or texts but he still answers me and makes time if I tell him I want to talk (about once a week). He says that he enjoys the talks and would like to continue but is afraid to commit and build a deeper relationship because in reality we are living in the other part of the world and we almost have no future together. He is controlling his feelings so he will not get hurt when it ends. When I heard this I couldn't agree more, there are too many problems if we think of the future. So I dated some other guys last few weeks but I just don't find any of them interesting, not more than this guy. And then I realized that I really like him and want to be with him.

Am I being a hopeless romantic to believe that there could be a future for us?
Would it scare him off if I tell him how I feel and maybe I can relocate to his town and find a job since I am going to leave my job anyway at the end of this year?
Because he sounds quite much commitment-phobic (I guess from his experience with his ex), I don't know how to change the way he thinks or if that is ever possible...any advise?
thanks for reading!

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@KateKate,

Would you be interested in relocating to where he is if he wasn't there?

Has he expressed any interest in travelling to your country to spend vacation time with you?

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Why not just keep things the way they are and continue to accept dates with other men?

If it's a relationship you're looking for, someday you'll meet one that's interesting to you.

In the meantime, yoo only have to physically see him once a year, have fun, and not have to deal with all the other crap.

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@KateKate,

I honestly think because you have slept with this man and only "dated" others, he is shining through. There is an emotional connection once you have sex, especially if you spend time with them as well.

I would suggest that you continue dating and find a connection with someone else. I think if you did that you would all of a sudden question those feelings for a man who lives a World apart from you.

The need and desire to be loved can cloud your thinking.

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@ehBeth,

I had been interested in his country but hadn't really thought of relocating before because English is not their first language and i don't know anyone else there.
For his part, he has told me earlier that he can't relocate for his daughter who stays with him once in two weeks. which I totally understand.
He is interested in visiting me but says that if he does it would grow attachment and make it harder when we "break up"... I hope I can do something to change his mentality

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@KateKate,

Don't relocate there if the only reason you'd consider it is because of the man.

Sounds like he's not interested in an ongoing long-distance relationship.

I'd suggest that you continue dating locally and hopefully you'll find someone you'd be interested in sexually.

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@KateKate,

KateKate wrote:

I hope I can do something to change his mentality

my mother would have told you that this ^^^ is always a bad idea.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

Don't relocate there if the only reason you'd consider it is because of the man.

Amen to that.

I have my own personal experience with that, and I can tell you, it was a complete disaster.

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Yes, it's hopeless as described.
IF you both were totally committed to your relationship enough to get married FIRST, AND you were totally committed to that country, to learning the language and culture (first) and move there (second), AND it were the first marriage for both of you, no kids, you'd have fewer strikes against you AND it would still be very challenging. But as described, you'd be following someone whom you're not even sure cares about you, moving to a country you don't care about, nor speak the language, and you'd have no rights and no ability to navigate the system given you're not a citizen, lack language skills, etc. Something as little as a disagreement about how to raise HIS child, and you'd be out on the street, with no means, no job, no way to communicate, no friends, wondering how you'll get home and what the heck you're doing in that country. And if you happened to get pregnant, the best you could hope for is some day selling the rights to your nightmare to make yet another sappy made-for-TV movie.

http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMjg5Njc1MzM4M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwODk3OTgxMQ@@._V1_SX640_SY720_.jpg

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@chai2,

yeah, you are right, that's exactly what he has suggested.
I guess I was so devastated after spending few weeks of uninteresting dates/ nights out that I wanted to find a hope in the other way knowing that it is illusory...

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@FOUND SOUL,

and yes...I must admit that the sex contributes a lot to my attachment to this guy. I had never enjoyed it from the first time with a new partner but with him it was just amazing from the beginning for both of us.

hopefully I will meet another man who will be as perfect as that some time soon...

0 Replies

@KateKate,

A few "weeks" of uninteresting dates? Meaning dates with a least a few different men over the course of mere weeks?

KateKate, while there a many people out there you may find yourself compatible with, you are shortchanging yourself in the extreme basing your inability to find Mr. Right in the matter of weeks.

This isn't sending a friend request to a near stranger on FB, or "liking" their comment.

I would advice practicing becoming more discerning in your tastes, and stepping back to see who may sooner (or later) meet you, and develop a mutually affectionate relationship.

Why so important it be "soon"? Have a good relationship with yourself first.

You can't force a square peg into a round hole. Even if you met someone on a date you found interesting, who's to say the feeling would be returned? This isn't a shopping expedition where you find something you like and bring it home with you. You're dealing with real live people who have their own personalities, needs and desires.

This man from the other country has expressed he is not interested enough to pursue a relationship beyond fun and some mutually good sex. There's nothing wrong with that. He's not using you, and thank goodness he's being honest.

If you want, continue to see him for the positive aspects of the relationship, and have some patience with finding someone of quality who is looking to travel down the same road with you, however long that may take.

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@ehBeth,

wow, i just read this crazy line i have written... and I had been always on your side, telling friends that you can't change someone.
So this is what they say, love is blind...even though this is just an infatuation.
thanks for waking me up!

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@Banana Breath,

and thanx for giving me even more visualization of what it would be like.
I will stop dreaming and move on, just leaving some space for him to have another great time when we meet again and if we are both not in any seriously committed relationship.

thank you all!

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@chai2,

And thank you chai2.
After hearing myself and all your replies, my head is clear and now I see that I have been losing my patience to meet someone who is as compatible with as him just to prove that he is not "the one".
But now I am in control of my feelings again and I think I can manage not to fall for this hopeless situation and keep looking for another guy whom I can build a real relationships!

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a hopeless long distance...or?

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