The Insult Chain Game

Sturg, you should have stopped by our cookout. We grilled steaks and chicken breasts. The weather was lovely, warm enough to set outside, altogether pleasant.

youve always been alone like my asshole. what u ask again?

What? Get up on the wrong side of bed this morning?

Clearly you're suffering from a self-induced concussion. You forgot to finish your post.


I'm really excited to be going to a book signing Friday evening.

Of course you are, you are probably giddy with excitement that Mickey Mouse will sign your coloring books. Yea for you.

Tomorrow I will be interviewing designers to decorate my estate for the upcoming holiday season.

Since, you're still high on the residual effects of the hallucinogenic drug you ingested a month ago, you still don't realize that you have any spending funds to use to decorate your parent's basement where you currently reside and consider your personal estate.

I'm leading a meetup Saturday morning to see The Peanuts Movie then head to brunch. Not particularly confident that too many people will be showing up.

Well that's the first time I've ever heard an S&M club called a Peanuts movie meetup. You aren't fooling anyone you kinky, sex obsessed perv.

The Bridge Club is meeting tomorrow at my estate, I'm serving watercress sandwiches. I need to narrow down the wine list, maybe several different whites because Rose gives me a headache.

Adding water and Crest toothpaste to Wonder Bread doesn't make for watercress sandwiches. Plus watered down grape drink isn't any in fashion, wine.

Looking forward to the Hot Chocolate Crawl with a few friends this Saturday afternoon. Then to play board games at Skylark Bar.

None of us really care to hear about your sexual exploits whether chocolate is, or isn't, involved. And I'm pretty sure that none of us will ever look at chocolate the same again. Thanks for that.

My girlfriend said she's going to leave me if I don't get rid of my beard. Is that fair of her?

Oh please, you call that tangled mess of facial hair a 'beard'? Your community association has brought a lawsuit to force you to shave that sanctuary for rodents and bed bugs because you are under investigation by the EPA. If your girlfriend hasn't left your shabby self, tell to call me and I'll wire her bus fare yuk.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I think my husband is planning to whisk me away to Monaco or Paris, or perhaps another diamond necklace.

Whisk you away??? Have you stepped on the bathroom scales lately? The best he can do is to haul you away. And if there is a diamond necklace waiting for you, I imagine that the purpose of that gift is to increase the odds of you being robbed and killed.

I can't make up my mind as to whether I should have have beans or soup for dinner.

Why don't you just wait to see which can slips into your pocket easiest same as you always do you pilfering slime!

Brutally cold weather approaching get the city the next few days. Probably won't want to do much, wonder if Netflix has anything new.

Cold weather eh, I suppose it's time to move your cardboard hut over a heating vent, but the clerks in Best Buy are on to you so you can forget about sleeping in the big screen room.

My loving spouse is fueling up the jet refueled so we can head off to Key West for Valentines Day.

I knew you were wealthy because of your diamond studded handbag, but a jet too? WOW, I'm impressed.

It's sad that you've been off your meds since the beginning to February. Also, the hospital called, they want their straight jacket back. Else, they'll keep the deposit and send you their bill.

I'm expecting a package of home made cookies from my mother to be mailed to my place of work either today or tomorrow. I have her send them here so I can share the baked wealth with my coworkers.

I'm sure the other inmates in the license plate making unit at the penitentiary will enjoy them. Nice of your mother to think of you even when you're locked up for life.


I got a call the other day telling my ex has been acting crazy and mumbling gibberish. Wonder if I should check in on him....

I wouldn't. Remember when you received the same kind of call about your mother hours after you dropped her off several miles from her home in order to save yourself a little gas money after taking her Christmas shopping? Well your ex is probably just suffering from hypothermia like your mother did. If you check in on him, and your mother finds out, she'll feel slighted, as you never did check in on her.

My sister has invited me to go to church with her family, but I really don't want to go. Should I go anyway?

Don't they have to wheel you into the church and cover you with an asbestos blanket? Since you're a spawn of the devil, you'll most likely burst into flames if you touch a church floor or any furniture while inside an active church.

Going to a writer's meetup tomorrow afternoon even though I haven't written any original poetry (outside a few haikus here at a2k) in a long time.

That's why the other writers sent an invitation, to say thank you on behalf of mankind.

I can't seem to find my charcoal grey trousers.

That's because you finally washed them. If you look in your closet, I'm sure you'll find a pair of white pants you didn't think you had.

Every morning lately, my coffee tastes like shitt, and I can't figure out why.