My mother has dropped everyone for a man that is not interested in her at all! Help me understand!

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Due to the economy and legal troubles, it has been very hard for me to find work. My spouse is also having problems finding work. Out of necessity we had to move in with my mother. I hated to do it, but it is the only way to keep a roof over our head at the moment. Mom was very helpful and understanding up until the last month or so. She has this man that comes and visits daily. Lets call him Bill. Bill comes over most every day, sits for coffee, and chats with my mother. She is 60 yrs old and is widowed. She loves this man and will do anything he asks. He has told her that he isn't interested in a relationship with her, but does enjoy her company. This is where things get hard for me to handle: Mom has been the head of this medium sized company for 8 years. She met Bill while he was dating one of her friends, which didn't last long as he was proved to be a compulsive liar. He talks mom into making business decisions that has made the owner of this company threaten to fire her! She tries to get her granddaughter to go home early during her visitation with us when before she would beg her to stay. Mom spends money on things like baby dolls, things for Bill or Bill's mother, but don't even offer to help pay my child support or other things we need. I suspect Bill is the cause of this. I feel Bill is brainwashing her into making bad choices and decisions. I don't expect help, nor ask for it, but it really bothers me that she will do things for him and his mother, but don't even bother to help her own family. Why waste your time trying to get someone to fall in love with you when they already said they aren't interested. I feel that Bill has some other motive. Perhaps he wants her to get fired so he can take her job over. We have told her what we think of Bill, but she holds a deaf ear. She always takes up for him even tho Bill is ruining her relationship with her closest family members. I is apparent that she is crazy over Bill. I get that. Mom shouldn't throw us out in the rain, homeless, just because Bill thinks its the "right thing to do". We need a job and find a way out of this situation as soon as possible, but things aren't looking so bright. We probably will be stuck here for a longer period of time than we ever planned to be. Bill is trying to ruin mom's place of employment for her but she don't see it. Bill will not give her money or let her stay at his house if she ever needed to. Bill has said this himself. She continues to put everything and everyone else aside for this control freak of a man. My question is this: Does she sound like she has a mental disorder? Trying to win over a man that even tells her he's "not interested". Is there anyway I can end this relationship with Mom and Bill? I am willing to kick his ass every-time I see him! He is destructive to mom's life. I don't know what to do other than find a job and get out, but I can't. I am constantly looking for work, but have no luck whatsoever. I need a way out or a way to fix this. Bill needs to go away! Anyone have any similar situations? I'm frustrated. A person should never care for anyone that way when the other person shows no interest. I just don't know anymore!

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@tedjames,

Your Mother is a grown woman and her own woman, what ever decisions she chooses to make in her life are hers. This is about her life and her mistakes if that ends up being the case, not yours and doesn't reflect you other than finances in the future.

If you feel this man is a con man, I suggest that you go out of your way to find physical evidence and more than one, dig deep get all those people together and have a meeting with your Mother, hopefully with real evidence of simular situations she will see the light. Let's face it, if what you feel is happening, is happening, he's done it before. No words you speak will change her way of thinking.

In the meantime, personally? I'd be thinking along the lines of my first paragraph. It's her life, you do not need to interfere as in verbally telling her what to do. Just be there for her.

As for her not spending money on you, child support etc, but will do anything for Bill? Love, with all due respect, she has you under her roof, she is paying big time, she doesn't have her independence.

As for you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel? That's because you're being negative, be positive and both of you get yourselves together, present yourselves, get every resume off something will give, if, you, believe.

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@tedjames,

My understanding from your post is as follows -

your mother is 60 years old and, so far as you are aware, mentally competent
she runs a medium-sized company but is not the owner. Is she a manager? A franchise owner? What? I'm trying to figure out if she answers to a board or to shareholders and whether she has an ownership interest in the place or there are employees dependent upon her, etc.
this guy, 'Bill' in her life has said he doesn't want a relationship with her
however, she buys him (and his mother!) all sorts of junk and she makes bad business decisions based upon his say-so
you and your husband (wife? I have no idea what your gender is from your post or your user name) have had to, due to hard economic times, move in. This money would be awfully helpful for you. But you're not asking for it. In the meantime, you're trying to leave.

I think that's everything. Let me know if I've missed anything vital.

I would say, your mother is competent until she's proven, in a court, or in a psychiatrist's office, to be otherwise. So you have to assume that she's making lousy decisions but isn't mentally ill. People are allowed to be stupid, you know - no matter how infuriating that is to the rest of us.

As for the rest of it, I'd say, why not ask her for some financial help, beyond the roof over your head? You mention ongoing child support issues. How about asking your mother to get a payroll deduction and open an account for her grandchild, so that you can tap it in order to pay ongoing child support? A payroll deduction is good as it takes it completely out of her (and Bill's hands). Maybe even open up the support agreement with your ex, and see if the money can perhaps be placed into a 529 plan for your child. A 529 plan is a tax-free account expressly created to send kinds to college. If that could replace all or most of your regular support payments, then you'd be more or less off the hook and your child would have a great nest egg for the future. Further, it would take you out of the picture. How many grandmothers deny such things to their grandchildren?

As for the remainder of it, is your mother close to eviction, or default on her mortgage, or something like that? Is the board or the owner of the business threatening to fire her? If not, then yeah, it's dumb but it doesn't have the dire consequences (at least, not yet).

Can you suggest that your mother get into counseling? Maybe offer to take her, so she can talk to an impartial professional about what sound like self-esteem issues. Plus if she really is at the beginning of getting onto the dementia/Alzheimer's train, a professional familiar with her case would be of great help when, eventually, you would have to have her declared incompetent for her own health and safety.

But, one step at a time.

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@tedjames,

Quote:

I am constantly looking for work, but have no luck whatsoever. I need a way out or a way to fix this. Bill needs to go away!

Sorry but you are in no position to demand your mother does anything with her money or have any right to question her relationship with anyone else.

Sound like the person that she should consider kicking out is you.

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She did/does have a major self-esteem issues starting from the time she was an adolescent and I suspect this is why she is so addicted to Bill. My wife does the dishes, cooks and cleans. I keep the fridge stocked with food. She don't have to buy food or her beloved coffee. We go out of our way to do our part and then some. I feel she don't appreciate what we DO do for her. There is no housing bills due to the rent and utilities being included in the job, which I helped her do until Bill came along. I mowed the grass, did plumbing ect. for free until Bill came along, now she PAYS him a huge amount to do it. I think it is every parents duty to help, (not support) their children when they are in need. I agree that its not up to me to choose who she loves or wants to be with. I do think its wrong to drop her granddaughter completely over Bill. She is obsessed to the point that she won't go to the bathroom because she is afraid she will miss 5 min of "Bill time"... literally. Dementia? I been thinking along those lines as I see a lot of memory loss, at least selective memory loss. I take criticism very well. I agree that to some my explanation of events may lead some to believe that I think my mother owes me something, I don't. To buy a $300 baby doll, instead of giving me $100 to pay my insurance on my car and some gas money to get out and look for work is telling me she don't give a rat's ass about her son vs "Bill the player". Many times has my mother fell on hard times an came to stay with me till she was on her feet. This includes four cartons of cigarettes a week I paid for her. I have supported myself since I was 18. Only now have I trouble finding work. I remember as a young adult in high school, discussing how I was going to find a good job when I graduate. Her reply was this: No need to think about getting a job, nobody is able to help you, you have no car and I can't help you get one. I can't take you to work. You might as well give up because your just going to be poor and live day to day like the rest of us. (All the while spending $600 a month on beer and running her boyfriend back and forth to work)... Thinking about telling my mother really what a piece of **** she really is!!!

2 Replies

@jespah,

She manages an apartment building. I am 39 yrs old man married to a very good woman. I will ask her for some help but she gets my mail and she knows I'm in default in child support. Dire consequences? We have no family other than us. When she gets fired, we (including her) are out in the street, homeless.

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@tedjames,

Oh just to add, Bill tells her of all his new love interests, and my mother even goes picks them up and takes them to his house!

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@tedjames,

Best thing I can tell you is, keep looking for work - both you and your wife should be doing this. It's the holidays and there should be seasonal work. Retail sucks but we're probably not talking about more than 2 months of it. Open a separate bank account (tell your wife, of course), and have the statements sent to your work address or a PO box and have your paycheck deposited directly into it. It's a stopgap measure but she can't open the mail that she can't see.

Is it the start of dementia? I'm no doctor, but wackier things have happened. If there's cigarette and alcohol abuse (I'm not saying she's an alcoholic; please don't misunderstand me), then it can speed up the dementia train if she is on it.

You and your wife need to put some bucks together and get out as soon as you can.

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You really came up with the best solution yourself: " I don't know what to do other than find a job and get out."

Yup - get out before this all blows up and you end up supporting HER. From what YOU say, that's going to happen, huh? Leave ASAP!!

(Sounds like you were doing maintenance work for an apartment complex or motel? That handyman kind of work should be easy to find. Consider starting up your own service. Good handyman services are hard to find.)

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@tedjames,

Quote:

No need to think about getting a job, nobody is able to help you, you have no car and I can't help you get one. I can't take you to work. You might as well give up because your just going to be poor and live day to day like the rest of us.

If she said this to you some 20 years ago, this is not the person you should be living with, she's going to make you think you STILL can't do it and you can.

As everyone has stated, just work you butt off to get a job and get out of there, tend to your beautiful wife, child support and live a happy life on what ever income you both can earn and get by on.

This woman lives for herself regardless whether or not she is an alcoholic and is losing her mind, in-secure or blinded by users.

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@tedjames,

A stable couple with one having some handyman skills? have you looked into being a couple-manager for a retirement home? those can work into good jobs if you've got a decent education.

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Thanks for all replies. It helps when you get things off your chest. I have changed my attitude towards my situation now in part because of each reply that I have received. Thanks again to each and every one of you!

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Take this guy out to the shooting range, and accidently call him Dad.

Then say, "oh, sorry. It's just that we're all thinking of you that way since your spending so much time with Mom. Since my dad died, it's kinda nice to have someone to, you know, think of as a father figure"

Then, right before shooting the target right between the eyes say "I'd really hate to be in the shoes of the man who would hurt my mother."

Then when you go back home, keep giving him big bear hugs in front of your mom, and tell her how the 2 of you came to an understanding.

I got that from an old Andy Griffith Show.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Not bad, chai. Not bad at all.

1 Reply

@roger,

In all seriousness, this guy Bill needs to be kept on the radar at all times.

It's not enough to just say "it's her life" Of course it is. But, if she's being blind to obvious things such as knowing a friend said he's a compulsive liar, she's also being blind to being taken advantage of. What if (and I'm saying this not particularly about this situation), this con man takes her for everything she's got? She's only 60. She could be living for the next 30 or more years flat broke, with everyone saying "if only we'd done something" He could also cost the mother her current job, and at 60, that is old enough to make it very difficult to get other employment.

There is no one size fits all solution, or one that's guaranteed to work, or at least work on it's own.
Found Soul said it best saying be looking for physical evidence of his deeds. That might persuade mom, it might not. Worth a try.

Not knowing this guy, can't say what would work on him. Could be anything from a strong arm technique (if he's a wimp or coward) to something more sophisticated if he's really in it for the long haul.

If his interest in mom's money isn't that strong on a 1-10 scale (i.e. she doesn't have that much) telling him that you've got his number and he'd better ******* watch his back might be enough, maybe with a little push to his back to let him know you're really watching it, capeesh?

If that doesn't shake him because he knows he's got her hooks in her good, and will stand by him rather then her own flesh and blood, you have to make it more trouble than it's worth for him to stay with her.

If that means telling mom you're head over heels for him too, and insist he participate in every family activity, so be it.

If mom is picking him and a girlfriend up to take them to his house, I'd tag along, and when they get to the house, get out with them and invite yourself into the house, settling down and not budging, being really dense to all suggestions he leave. Basically, making myself an ever present fixture in his life, keeping him off balance between friendship and veiled threats.

Con the con man.

1 Reply

@chai2,

I like this one "con the con man"..... Bill loves to report anything and everything he can about the renovations that the owner does, or attempts to do. The owner told mother this morning that he is going to be doing some repair work "under the radar of the city".... The owner knows that Bill has been reporting everything to the city in regards to permits and such. The owner is struggling to make a profit currently and Bill tries to make it difficult. Example: We had a sewer backup and had to call a plumber out to fix it. Bill took it upon himself to show the plumber around and show him what the problem was. The plumber gave Bill an estimate of $500 for the repairs. Bill proceeded to tell the plumber "Five hundred dollars?, I suggest you ask for more, the owner is rich! I suggest you estimate it at least five THOUSAND!... which the plumber did at his request. Bill also gave the plumber the pile of scrap copper the owner had saved up. This is how Bill working! Mom is letting him get by with it and takes up for him. I have a very good work ethic, and when I have a boss, I try to lower the estimate of repair work not increase it! We still putting in every application we can, can't take this crap much longer. I see disaster looming and don't want me, my wife, or any of my children suffer. Looking for work, willing to relocate!

My mother has dropped everyone for a man that is not interested in her at all! Help me understand!

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