Moving On - how long?

It's not unusual at all. therapists obviously get hurt, confused and frustrated too. no one can have all the answers and also sometimes it's hard to follow your own good advice.

Hope that the breakup wasn't too traumatic. Perhaps some details could help here?

Warning: Your mileage may vary:

I've had a few exes (wives and gfs). There's really no set answer as you know. When I've seriously been in love, it seems that it takes me at least a year before I really had the strength to deal with seeking a partner and 'courting" not just hanging out and chatting. One time it took me about 3 years..and I mean I was in deep...in fact, in many ways, I can't say I got over her ..I just moved on. The best way I can describe it that my heart sort of "healed around the hole"

"healed around the hole" is so sadly true...

My longest grievieng periods were a year and two years (with bfs). That was the time when any forced new meetings would seem pointless. Because it still hurt. I understood finally that I needed to take all the hurting and grieving time, and the time after, a plateau of sorts, with no relationships and thinking about myself, my needs only. If that makes sense. That plateau did the most healing.

If new dating seems pointless and futile to you - give yourself some more time. Trust yourself. You will heal, at your own pace.

I lived with a guy for 6 years.
The relationship was not good, and neither was the ending.

Don't get me wrong, we had our good times, too, but looking back, I have to admit the whole relationship was wrong from the start.

I came out confused, and very much changed.
I also went out with guys in the time afterwards, but it took me three years before I actually got serious with someone again.

Before that, I was quite happy with friends and myself, and really needed that time to get myself together again.

Oh lord, it was 10 years before I fully was "over" one of my exes and could say to myself that I wasn't hurt anymore by him.

Even if you don't still love someone, the after math of a relationship gone bad can last a long, long time.

Now, moving on means you go on with your life. It doesn't mean you forget about that person completely. You can move on without being 100% "over" someone. Embrace it. Live with it. It won't go away until it's ready to go away. And the more you dwell on it and fight it, the worse it makes you feel for not being "over" her.

Remember that you can love someone else and still be hurt by someone else from your past.

Hang in there.

Adding to Bella's thought, no matter how many years have passed, that person is a part of your history. Your relationship with that person, for better or for worse, has an impact on what you are now.

It could take years before all of the residue is gone. But it does eventually happen, if you really do want to move on. Some people don't want to move on. They hold on, even when they say they aren't or don't want to. They keep pictures of their ex or momentos and items associated with their ex around the house, constantly reminding them and keeping them attached. They play specific music, go to certain places, watch particular movies and do all sorts of seemingly little things that keep the relationship "alive" when it's way past over. As a therapist, I'm sure you realize all of this but...I hope you're not doing any of these things.

I've been divorced for more than 30 years and I've not laid eyes on the SOB for almost as long.

I still have moments of both cold fury and hot rage when I'm sandbagged by memories.

Meanwhile, I've been happily remarried for 25 years.

The classic Victorian period of mourning for a widow or widower was two years--your sense of balance and self worth should be well on the way to being restored right now.

Get back on the horse that threw you, reminding yourself all the time that this particular remount is a nice, safe remount.

Good luck.

more info
Basically I went from heavy drinker to alcoholic months after I met her. I sold my house, moved in with her, it was amazing, we were soul mates.

She brought a lot of hrt from her past relationships and was dsperately insecure.....after her companys London Office had to be closed down - she had set it up for them - she bcame really depressed...and I got chucked out! She also started to dislike the cat I loved.

I went to treatment, came out to buy my own place. She pressurised me to buy a place together.....I gave in against my own wishes, a therapists vew & my parents. I was more than a bit vulnerable.

We also brought a place I hated and would never brought alone.

I also gave my cat away to my grandmother, he sadly died 8 weeks later after being attacked by another cat :-(



I put in 100,000 to the flat and waited for her to pay the balance after she sold her place. I drank again 8 weeks later and she oved in but refused to give me the money. Each time I asked she said "Not Yet"....after 6 mnths of living together she told me that I was NOT an alcoholic....so I asked for the money "Not yet" was the answer.

I can now see a huge resentment was starting, she kept running away to her Mothers (even if I wasnt drinking!) I never got physically abusive though I was verabally abusive to her over the money.

I went to AA - she was very good at pushing me there....I couldnt quite get it at first....My parents were at despair over the money and said I should put the flat in my own name, each time I suggested it she started to get upset...so I gave in, like I always (somehow) did. Typical of not being able to own my own feelings.

She then had a melanoma, we went to Dubai for a break, I decided to have a glass of wine.....it lead to me shouting thins at her I didnt even know where they were coming from - bless her...we came back she went off and used "my money " to buy her own place. No discussion, totally forgetting our agreement.

I realise now how it was never going to be successful without her putting the money in as it started a resentment rather than a partnership.

I didnt know whether to sue her, or what to do....Sadly I was now finding out what "powerless" over alcohol really meant....

Fortunately had my last drink three months later but had such an underlying resentment over it, that I didnt deal with. She kept saying we should buy a new house but my sponsor said NO! It was too early...

After I was a year sober I said I was putting the flat in my name. More tears, but ny now I wanted to protect my family if anything happened. She ditched me 2 days after it was signed in my name.

I took it well at first and her sister phoned me to ask if Id still keep in touch with her son who had special needs as we had such a great relationship. Guess what, the ex put ablock on that too :-(

My recovery has gone from strength to strength, despite the fact I was devastated AND pretty angry too.

Through the therapy work etc I can see how she was a controlling co-depndent and not letting me see the young nephew rather brought it home.

Over two years on and Im still a mixture of hurt, angry, sad, remorseful etc etc over it....but I am sober and basically very happy

Serenity--

Wecome to A2K.

Your post is both interesting and courageous. Thank you.

Another week on and Im still gutted about it

You said that you're basically very happy? So, if you're happy, why is this even an issue, really? Sounds to me like you're still hung up because you want to be.

Serenity--

I mean this very kindly: Find another hobby, something that you'll enjoy in proportion to the time you invest.

Everybody has a personal grieving process time.
Nothing can be strictly said about letting go a relationship and being ready for a next one.
Usually it could take between 6 months to 1 or 2 years. Longer that that could mean the person is stuck in the process and needs help.
There has to come the time when a person can fall in love again and begin a new relationship.
But nobody can say it is an easy process. It takes time and pain and this involves emotional energy.
The healing process after a painful break up can take longer because it takes the person "by surprise", meaning that was not ready for that end.
It does not matter if the person is an experienced counselor or psychologist, the process will be the same as for any other human being.

I'm going through an amicable, mutually agreed break up at the moment. The only problem is that we have very different styles of dealing with it. He wants a complete break before he thinks he can cope with being just friends and doesn't want to see me at all. I want to be just friends and can't cope with not seeing him at all. We're working on a compromise.

I have lots of ther hobbies that take up all my time and are rewarding. Its just I don't seem to be ready to fall in love again yet, though Im happy enough by myself.

It's ok to be healing, I love girls, their company....I just dont wanna keep sleeping with them and find there' nothing there

Time to Heal
It seems from the things we all go through , I think the one thing we forgot/forget , is we have to give ourselves permission to let go and move on and sometimes that's the hardest thing of all --- I think when you open up and say to yourself " times up " and it's time to turn the page , you will begin to see a big difference in your heart --- I am so proud of you for your accomplishments about your recovery and I myself am taking one day at a time - Almost 2 years now - " This is for you "

Serenity--

Today's "Quote of the Day", www.worldofquotes.com.



Could you be a more cautious person when you're sober?

2 years is Magic Pattijo - is that drink, drugs or both?

I am a lot more deep thinking sober...naturally, totall calm these days....and happy. Im accepting of my past relationship being over but realising her issues has helped considerably..

You're not abnormal--just choosy.