How can I save this marriage?

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Hello, my name is Adrian and let me begin by saying that I love my wife R and will do anything to make it "work".

We have been married for only five months; and we first met only a couple of months before that. My wife and I are both well-educated, middle-class; I'm 29 and she's 27.

We have a baby on the way and right now, I'm sitting all alone in our apartment, while she is staying with her mother after our latest fight. So how did I get here?

When we first started dating, R was a wild one. With more male friends than I have, she was the socializing, out-doorsy, aggressive and confident type. I on the other hand, am relatively a lot more introverted, although equally sensitive and aggressive.

We fell in love soon after we first met. Trouble started when I couldn't adjust to her relatively carefree lifestyle. I am the jealous type and was especially bothered to no end by one particular ex-boyfriend-and-friend whom she kept in contact with despite knowing that it was hurting me.

Eventually, she did come around, wisely saw that our relationship was worth more than just some friend and also started working on 'toning down' her personality, so to speak, in order to adjust with the shy, quiet, geek that is me. We thought we could meet eachother half way, for after all, we loved each other.

May be we were too optimistic. To be over-generous to myself, we have both so far failed to meet eachother half way. She has had to do a lot of work to adjust with me and yet, I haven't so far managed to truely 'move on' from unpleasant incidents such as the ex-boyfriend that we had prior to marriage. Since she has been genuinely putting a lot of effort to make this work, she naturally feels unappreciated at the slightest mention of her past by me, which of course, I slip in when because I haven't truely moved on yet and hurtful past memories creep up.

In your opinion, is this marriage worth saving? Are we too different to coexist even though we love each other? How can I save this?

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It makes me tired just to read this question.

You are expecting to change each others' personalities and become two blendos? She is doing most of the trying to blend?

Her past is hurtful to you?

How was she wild, by having male friends? She had a sexual relationship?

She has to eliminate male friends who were exes?

You married after two months?

Edit to say Welcome to a2k, other people will be along to respond...

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> It makes me tired just to read this question.

I've never had to ask this question in my life before.

> You are expecting to change each others' personalities and become two blendos?

We were hoping to consciously and rationally build a relationship that we both wanted to be in because we love each other. Haven't you ever been with someone who was 'worth it and more' - even despite friction and being a less-than-ideal match? That's us.

> She is doing most of the trying to blend?

Yes, so far she has been.

> Her past is hurtful to you? How was she wild, by having male friends? She had a sexual relationship?

Yes.

> She has to eliminate male friends who were exes?

She doesn't "have" to; she chose to, because she cares about me enough to not do things that cause hurt.

> You married after two months?

:: sigh ::

Thanks for the welcome, and the belting. Smile

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You're 29 and well-educated?! Just goes to show.

I think you both need a smack. Ever heard of condoms?

No sympathy here. Not when you bring kids into your stupidity.

My official opinion is that you both need to grow up. Either do it before this baby comes, or abort. Not even kidding.

Own your choices. You married her, made a baby with her. Can't go running away like a boy just because you both may have screwed up in choosing each other.

You now have a child to think of. Doesn't that give you any perspective at all? A new life entrusted to your care?

I'm leaving now. Soz will be here soon with calm rational advice. She'll help you, I'm sure of it.

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Who me? No, I read the opening post, read Osso's response, and nodded to myself.

I think you make some great points too.

I dunno Adrian. It does seem like both of you had to be someone other than who you are to continue to relationship -- and it's awfully hard to keep up those kinds of contortions for any period of time.

Have you tried counseling?

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Her past is hurtful to you? How was she wild, by having male friends? She had a sexual relationship?

Yes.

Yes, which? One? Many? One of many bothers you? The one she had bothers you?

Gee, an ex of mine was my husband's and my attorney... his wife and I like each other.

I take it you have an almost pedestal/madonna need. This is in the way.

Your jealousy can be dangerous, to her, to the child, to you, certainly to you as a family.

It may also be true, but let me say it seems unlikely by your description of what your wife is putting up with, that your wife might ever have a feeling for another man, in the past, present, or in the future. That is her right. We all have feelings for people over the time of our lives, and we make choices. She chose you.

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How can you save the marriage?

Give up any idea of trying to change the other, and work on changing yourself (especially your jealousy).

Take responsibility for your own actions, attitudes, and problems, and let your wife take responsibility for hers.

And, while doing that, focus on the child you have created, what kind of family you would like this child to be born into, and what kind of example you would like to set for him/her.

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I have to agree with everything said so far...

Two oposites 'falling in love', marrying, producing a baby, and on the way trying to completely change each others personality sounds like an exceptionally bad idea!

Since she's already put in a lot of work to meet your criterias of 'ideal wife' I think it's now your responsibility to put in some effort!

GROW UP!
TELL YOURSELF THAT AT 27 YEARS OLD YOUR WIFE DID HAVE A PAST, INCLUDING OTHER SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS, BUT THEY ARE PAST AND NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
ACCEPT HER THE WAY SHE IS; IF THIS IS THE WOMAN YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO CHANGE HER ANYWAY.
REALIZE THAT THERE IS A NEW LIFE ON THE WAY AND YOU BEHAVING LIKE A SPOILT CHILD WHO DOES NOT GET HIS WAY, IS NOT GOING TO HELP IN RAISING THIS CHILD AND HELPING IT ALONG THE WAY!

Sorry for shouting...

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Quote:

We were hoping to consciously and rationally build a relationship that we both wanted to be in because we love each other.

There is hardly anything conscious or rational about love. You remind me of a woman I knew who loved sailing. She loved going to the lake every weekend and racing her boat. She met a guy one October evening and shazamm --married him the next April.

Then she found out he couldn't swim.

You guys don't even know each other. I know you're in love but at some point you are going to have to like each other.

And golly, she was 27 and had had sex. Wow, that a surprise???

Shut up about the past.

I mean this: if you cannot shut up about the past, pack your bags and, believe me, she will be way better off without the likes of you.

Talk about your future dreams, maybe you will both see each other in them.

Joe(i hope)Nation

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adrianlancer- Welcome to A2K!

I am reading other member's posts and shaking my head in approval. It sounds like the two of you allowed your hormones to cloud your better sense. You hardly knew each other, but got married anyway. What you DID know, was that you were polar opposites. Now there is a child on the way.

You have many options. Your wife can have an abortion, split, and move on with your separate lives.

She can retain the pregnancy, have the child, and raise it as a single mom. You will be responsible for supporting this child until it reaches its majority.

The two of you can make up your minds that you want to make this marriage work. You need to get past her earlier sexual liasons. It had nothing to do with you, and as someone else has said, none of your business. If you need a shrink to help you get through this, do so.

Actually, you need to court your wife again, really get to know each other, and appreciate her for what she IS, what elicited the love that you feel for her, not what you would like her to be.

It is your choice Good luck!

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How can I save this marriage?

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